Tag Archives: NEW

Merrill Lynch Lynched

NEW YORK – In the wake of wild and still ongoing stock market drops, hordes of angry investors have descended upon lower Manhattan in an apparent expression of spontaneous rage. The collective action seems to have no leader, no motto, and no plan, save the wreaking of vengeance upon the large investment banks that the […]

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The Sensation In The Sludge

NEW YORK – Last week, as the 2008 presidential frontrunners Senator Hillary Clinton and Senator Barack Obama exchanged early blows over everything from comments made by David Geffen calling the Clintons liars to who they thought was going to win the Academy Award for best foreign film, and even over which the bigger news story […]

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Mark Levin Is A Faggot Pederast

“NEW YORK – Conservative god Mark Levin, referred to as F. Lee Levin by fellow RNC suck-up and hypocrite Rush Limbaugh, was caught in a toilet stall at Yankee Stadium giving fellatio to a thirteen-year-old mongoloid on Tuesday, according to a NYPD insider. Bill Sterling, who wished to remain anonymous, made the report, but not […]

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New York Buildings To Be Placarded, Monitored

“NEW YORK – Responding to criticisms following Wednesday’s tragic accident involving the small single-engine aircraft of Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced sweeping new building code regulations aimed at preventing any further plane-into-building incidents in the city. Former National Transportation Safety Board director Jim Hall told the Associated Press that “he […]

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NY Yankees And Al Qaeda Join Forces

“NEW YORK – News of a joining of powers between the New York Yankees Major League Baseball team and international terrorist organization al-Qaeda became apparent, Wednesday, following a plane-crash into an upper Manhattan high-rise apartment building. The plane was flown by Yankees middle relief pitcher Cory Lidle, who died in the crash that was assigned […]

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People Magazine Retooled To Feature Real People

“NEW YORK – The insanely popular pop culture magazine People announced on Monday that it would no longer feature A-List celebrities, such as Lindsay Lohan, Tom Cruise, Dave Navarro, Brangelina, and the Olsen Twins getting out of bed, drunk, angry, and at their ugliest. It will now feature normal, everyday people. In the past, People […]

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Pop Star Spears Announces Pregnancy Photo Shoot

NEW YORK – A press conference held today at Fangoria Magazine’s Park Avenue headquarters revealed the monthly publication’s plans to feature a detailed photo shoot of pop star Britney Spears’ upcoming pregnancy. (more…)

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David Blaine Just Not Dumb Enough

NEW YORK – David Blaine, illusionist extraordinaire, wasted our time, yet again, as he senselessly submerged his hairy-ass body in a fishbowl of water for a week to be followed by his coup de grace of holding his breathe for an astounding eight minutes and fifty-eight seconds. (more…)

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NFL Abandons Conspiracy Plot, Sources Say

NEW YORK, NY – After learning of an article posted on LushForLife.com by this journalist regarding a conspiracy involving the murder of Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy’s son in order to level the playing field in the National Football League playoffs, league officials abandoned the tampering attempt, reportedly just before halftime of the AFC divisional […]

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Ray Nagin Declares New Orleans ‘Chocolate Town’

NEW ORLEANS – It could have been a beautiful thing. Amidst Ray Nagin’s poignant speech, yesterday, there was much buzz about which direction the mayor of New Orleans would lead his rebuilding city. On one horizon, there was the peace and harmony of a multicultural city by the Gulf, rebuilding itself into a beacon for […]

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“Men’s Health” Ranked Worst Magazine In The US

Tampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. […]

RIM To Release Crackberry Standard And Pro

crackberry

This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. […]

“Tase Me, Bro!” Says Sadomasochistic USF Student

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University […]

Danny’s Sports Box

No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only […]

Patriots Receive White House Support

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets […]