CLEVELAND – Everyone knows that comedian/actor Drew Carey, 49, has announced that he will be replacing legendary host Bob Barker this fall on The Price is Right. But in a press conference yesterday, the affable crew-cut-sporting Carey revealed why he chose to be on the program. “America relates to me. Anyone who has listened to [...]
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Bush to Halt Freedoms for National Security
WASHINGTON – “They hate our freedoms – our freedom of religion, our freedom of speech, our freedom to vote and assemble and disagree with each other.” Those were the famous words of our great leader, George W. Bush in his 2001 joint session of Congress. With the threat of terrorism around the world steadily rising, [...]
Goodbye Jerry!
LYNCHBURG, VA – Jerry Falwell, the moral and spiritual beacon for all God-fearing, minority-loathing, gun-toting, Jew-hating, science-snubbing, feminist-fearing, violence-endorsing Christians died Tuesday at 73 from heart rhythm abnormality. The Reverend’s heart failure seems to have been caused by over-excitement during a liaison with one of his many regular Mexican male prostitutes at his office at [...]
Danny’s Sports Box
Oden an omen… With the first selection in the 2007 NBA Draft, the Portland Trail Blazers drafted Greg Oden, a seven-foot monster center from Ohio State. Oden is heralded as the best big-man to enter the league since the likes of future Hall of Fame locks Shaquille O’Neal and Tim Duncan, and was the clear-cut [...]
Jesus’ Son Beaten With Ugly Stick
OXFORD, ENGLAND – Through the historical modern-classic, The DaVinci Code, society discovered that Jesus the Christ and Mary Magdalene had a child – the Holy Grail – and the bloodline was passed down, protected by the Knights Templar. But scrolls found in Iran have shed new light on the descendants of Jesus of Nazareth.
Supreme Court Effectively Shuts Down
WASHINGTON – Last Thursday, the Roberts Court handed down a landmark decision that effectively quashed the desegregation plans of hundreds of public school systems all across the United States. Writing for the majority opinion, Chief Justice John Roberts said that race should not be used in anyway, either for positive or negative outcomes, as a [...]
Toothpaste Seizure Averts Tragedy
San Francisco – Tragedy was averted Thursday when a quick-thinking Transportation Security Administration screening officer spotted and impounded a 12 ounce tube of Aquafresh brand fluoride toothpaste before it could be carried on board an American Airlines flight to Dallas.
Lush For Life at the Movies: “Sicko”
The line between being an informed, disgruntled American displeased with our country’s morality and direction, and a flag-burning anti-American meddling detrimentalist guilty of treason is very small. At least that’s what Rush Limbaugh, the religious Right, and “The Silent Majority” believe. Not so much here at Lush For Life. Though we publish “fake news,” we [...]
iPhone to Fuel Steve Jobs’ Brain Machine
CUPERTINO, CA – It’s here! The iPhone has hit the shelves like a heroin-starved junkie hitting a methadone buffet. The Mac addicts are out in force, lining up in front of Apple stores all around the country, scaring women and children with their long hair, freethinking ideas, and dorky t-shirts. Lush For Life, being an [...]
Religious Approach to Road Transportation
The Vatican has examined road use and misuse, and found mankind in need of new guidance in this area. Lush For Life convened a focus group of AAs (Average Americans) to debate the Vatican’s “Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road”, and found that they think the bar has been set a bit high.
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