NEW YORK – In the wake of wild and still ongoing stock market drops, hordes of angry investors have descended upon lower Manhattan in an apparent expression of spontaneous rage. The collective action seems to have no leader, no motto, and no plan, save the wreaking of vengeance upon the large investment banks that the mob identifies as the source of these unruly fluctuations.
The first sign of trouble came this morning at approximately 5:30 AM, when a party of men apparently from Florida appeared outside a stretch of elite new condominiums in Brooklyn’s waterfront Williamsburg neighborhood. Armed with a variety of golf clubs and still clad in pastel polo shirts and khaki shorts despite the subfreezing temperatures, they marched purposefully to a Bedford Avenue Starbucks, where they seized a number of astonished financial industry employees and clapped the lot into irons before force-marching them towards the city center.
Although information on the mob’s precise motives is scant, and official channels deny the existence of any coherent organizational structure behind the uprising, Lush for Life was able to arrange an exclusive interview with a man who would identify himself only as “Trader X”. A sweater vest wrapped around his face to disguise his features, he agreed to meet with your reporter at a Battery Park sushi bar amidst the swirling furor outside.
“We’re sick of the big boys manipulating the markets for their own advantage. These guys have billions; it’s easy for them to throw the market down 3% on a whim and clean us out. What about the little guy? The smalltime trader with an annual income of only $500,000 has little chance against the concerted resources of the pros, and we’re sick of it. I might have to give up the BMW and share the minivan with my wife if this keeps up. Well, at least until I find a more fuel-efficient replacement for it.”
According to Trader X, the mob’s demands include the immediate and complete dismantling of all large investment banks, “or at least preferential treatment for our orders, and advance warning of impending market reversals” so that retirement account funds can be temporarily shifted to safe government bonds until the turmoil subsides.
“Look, we’re not being unreasonable here. We know that there’s a role for these institutions, and they deserve a big piece of the pie. As long as we get a slightly smaller piece, too, we’re fine with that,” he said.
Combined delegations from Los Angeles and Minnesota were reportedly in control of most sectors of the financial district as of press time, despite the best efforts of police to contain the unrest. Piles of burning computers blocked all entrances, manned by furious investors wielding Williams-Sonoma high carbon steel paring knives. Trader X was able to arrange safe passage for the Lush for Life team past the barricades, and the scene unfolding inside was truly astounding.
No less than 10,000 investment bankers were being frog-marched down Wall Street to the gibes and catcalls of the assembled mass, all draped in heavy chains. Some still clutched nearly empty soy lattes; others merely stared blankly out from under the tatters of a wasted Salvatore Ferragamo blazer as the drivers’ whips fell upon them, spurring them onward.
At the head of the column was none other than Henry “Hank” Paulson, former CEO of Goldman Sachs and currently the Treasury Secretary of the United States. Besides the chains worn by the others, the irate investors had affixed an enormous millstone around Paulson’s neck. As he flinched from the cracking whips and struggled to propel the immense weight towards the New York Stock Exchange, the mob pelted him with rotting vegetables and cried, “Lo! How the mighty have fallen!”
“As CEO of Goldman, this guy earned around $50 million a year just in salary and bonuses,” Trader X explained. “And then he’s Treasury Secretary, but he still plays golf with his Goldman buddies. Tell me they’re not up to something. We’re not suggesting they should share it with just any random guy on the street, but we want our cut too. We’ve worked hard for it.”