HOLLYWOOD – After suffering what he called a “back injury” on the set of his latest sure-fire flop fest, Miami Vice, Colin Farrell has admitted himself into an unidentified drug treatment center (no doubt The Betty Ford Center for Washed-Up, Has-Been, and Never-Will-Be Actors), proving once again that money, fame, and fortune are just too much for even the baddest assed of H’wood’s bad asses.

Fooling tabloiders into thinking he was hip, speculation was rising that perhaps Farrell was addicted to a “cool” drug, like heroin or possibly crack. Unfortunately, though, just a cunt-hair short of lameness that would be addiction to marijuana, Farrell is apparently addicted to, um, the Rush Limbaugh style of addiction, as in prescription painkillers. Yawn.

I was able to reach the dreary Dubliner, however, on his bed-side phone that his publicist was kind enough (shrewd enough?) to hook me up with.

Egbert Souse: So, Colin, I thought you was badass…

Colin Farrell: Yeah, well, the, um, stress of shooting with Jamie Foxx would get to you, too. You know, I should kick your bleeding arse! But I won’t, because that’s the old Colin.

ES: That’s fine. Why, of all things, does Hollywood’s premiere unruffled feline get addicted to painkillers? Why can’t you be more awesomer?

CF: One question at a time, please.

ES: You know what? You fucking suck!

CF: I know. If it’s one thing I’ve learnt in here, it’s humility…

ES: You’ve been there for five hours, you faggot!

CF: I love your website. I read it all the time…

ES: FUCK YOU!

CF: Well, if that’s the way you see…

ES: God DAMN IT! I’m not getting anywhere with you! FUCK OFF, you selfish prick fuck! Alexander SUCKED!

It was obvious that Farrell was still under the effects of massive mega doses of Vicodin and wasn’t making any sense.

Editorially, Colin Farrell is a stupid Hollywood dick weed and deserves to be shot by a US firing squad or blown up by the IRA. It is apparent to this reporter that as long as H-town is filled with coolies like Colin Farrell and Russell Crowe, we can all be assured that years of mindless entertainment and bed-wetting super stars will keep us glued to The Enquirer.

God bless Colin Farrell.

I quit.