“BERKELY, CA – In a press release that could change the course of human history and destroy the belief structures of Christians everywhere, Jesus, also known as “”I Am”" revealed late Sunday that he has been diagnosed as a schizophrenic.
“”I don’t know much about the whole ‘psychology thing,’ but my shrink tells me that I have schizophrenia,”" said Jesus, in his typical common man vernacular, revealing to the world that he is indeed crazy. He did not take questions and promptly entered his blimp, returning to his near-constant orbit of sporting events.
Luckily for you, the reader, and LushForLife.com, the news source, Jesus granted one exclusive interview to Arthur Rocks, LushForLife.com super-correspondent and stay at home father.
After climbing a 20 meter rope ladder to the blimp, Rocks was subjected to a barrage of disinfecting processes before entering a clean room where he found Jesus sitting on a hot pink bean bag in the middle of a room surrounded by velvet images of Himself, Elvis, and his mother.
In the interview, Jesus revealed inner torment at the idea that God was not his father, saying, ‘I always believed mom when she said that God was my father. It seems that they felt it would affect me negatively if I found out that I was adopted.’
He went on to say, ‘I’ve always been regarded as a bit of a sage, I suppose. I hope that this doesn’t affect proponents of my philosophy too greatly. Maybe they will focus on the two things I actually said before I ascended (not to heaven like the book says, but rather in my blimp), love your neighbor and honour your God.’
When Jesus was asked how he had managed to stay not only alive, but also so young looking for so long, he replied, ‘Oh, yeah, the fountain of youth is not in Florida, but in Palestine. Unfortunately it was destroyed in 1956 by Israeli forces during the Seven Days War. Sorry.’
As for plans for the future Jesus said, ‘Well, I’ve accumulated quite a bit of money. 2,000 years of tithes really add up. I have to thank my business manager, Paul, for that one. I plan to spend my retirement circling the globe watching sporting events from my blimp. I have created a clean room to avoid contact with bacteria and viruses, namely the bird plague. I will stop answering prayers at the end of the year. I realize I’ve missed quite a few of those, by the way, so sorry; I am just one guy after all.’
Rocks was left in a hotel bar in Topeka, Kansas where he phoned the interview in to LushForLife.com headquarters in Tampa.
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