Tampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. Petersburg Florida as the most depressing place to live and Tampa coming in close at third, Men’s Health magazine has been ranked as the Worst Magazine in the US.

The saddest city article was based on the magazine’s crack (smoking) reporting staff using the online tool SimplyMap, and looked at the amount of people taking antidepressants. Of course the “study” did not take into account the demographics (St. Petersburg has the highest ratio of people over the age of 65 in the country) or the reasons for people taking the medication or even that it could be inferred that it’s due to better access to health care.

The same publication recently elected Tampa as the worst city in the US based on scores such as “Lifestyle” which measured how much there is to do, access to ski resorts and average cost of housing, for which Tampa ranked 73rd after New York’s 72nd which of course makes perfect sense.  “What do you expect,” said Jhonas Bender, a leading Tampa Bay area evangelist and international man of mystery, “these are the same people who ranked Fargo North Dakota as the 7th happiest place to live in the country.  I guess if your idea of happiness is shoveling your station wagon out of the snow every freaking day then sunny beaches and a vibrant arts culture probably sounds pretty depressing to you.” However, the truth behind the new cities ranking is much more sinister than simple bad reporting and idiotic statistical interpretations.

Most famous for its in-depth reporting on topics such as “How to improve your online dating profile” and “How to seduce any woman,” Men’s Health magazine has now been found to be the worst magazine in the United States by statistical analysis.

The study was conducted by the Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics Foundation of Dubuque, Iowa, most famous for finding the correlation between low IQ and light beer consumption. The magazines where scored on five factors: Quality of Writing; Over-Used Headlines; Fear Mongering; Relevancy; and General Idiocy. Men’s Health was received scores of 87, 100, 75, 98 and 99 respectively for the categories, beating out some tough competition for the worst rag in the United States like “Pet Rock Connoisseur” and “Genital Mutilation Enthusiast.”
The magazine was given an ‘Over-Used Headline’ score of 100 for basically publishing the same issue over and over again. “Internal consistency is important if you want to be a great publication,” said senior editor Bill Phillips in defense, “that’s why we have a ‘How to get six pack abs in six weeks’ article every edition.”

Often referred to as a “leading light in journalism” by many of its editorial staff, Men’s Health has pioneered creative marketing and sales strategies in this world of sadly declining print media. “No one had even thought of sending trial editions of a magazine to people who didn’t want it and then invoicing them for the two free editions a month later before we did it,” said Author Rocks, a former Men’s Health sports editor. “When they didn’t pay, we sent their asses to a collection agency. Soon most of our ‘subscribers’ realized that they couldn’t mess with us and we became unstoppable. I just don’t see how these folks could consider Men’s Health to be anything but the greatest magazine ever published.”

It seems that the new rankings have taken a serious toll on the senior staff at the magazine. Deputy Editor Adam Campbell has decided to quit the magazine citing “I just can’t look at my self in the mirror any more, giving gay men eating disorders just doesn’t seem to give me the same joy it used it.” And “New Projects Editor” Gabe Guarente was found dead in his Emmaus, Pennsylvania apartment Wednesday. Guarente left a beautifully penned suicide note stating, “I can’t go on. I have an English degree from Tufts University for God’s sake! Every day I have to correct the grammar and punctuation of writers whose main qualifications are ‘former fitness instructor’ and ‘great pecks’. I told them, if I have to edit one more damned story on spray tanning I was going to kill myself! They laughed – now who’s laughing? – GG”
Update: Three more senior editorial staff at Men’s Health have now tragically taken their own lives, citing reasons ranging from unbearable sexual harassment to the inability to deal with the frequent misuse of semi-colons.

This is not the first time that the pubescent publication has come under fire for its ranking systems. In 2000 Men’s Health ranked UMass – a campus where women had recently been plagued by a serial rapist – as one of the nation’s worst colleges for men. Their rational: Too much of: Women’s studies, feminism, multiculturalism, enforcement of Title IX, strong sexual harassment policies.

“The thing is you see,” said Arthur Rocks, “is that if you’re not a white, male, English speaking, red-meat eating, self-obsessed narcissist, we just don’t like you. Why do you think Tampa and St. Petersburg continuously get trashed by the magazine? You people and your artsy-fartsy cultural nonsense, your ethnic diversity and high rates of pay equality for women just make me sick. Real cities like Emmaus are 96% white, women make 66% less than men and are named after places in the Bible. Just because you people have three times the job growth, better access to health care, lower hypertension rates, more universities, twice the money spent on the arts per person, better weather, and some of the best beaches in the world doesn’t mean anyone would want to live in your stinking hellhole.”

It seems that because the Tampa Bay area is consistently named one of the best places for singles, raising a family, access to health care, retirees, safety, cultural and ethnic diversity, recreation, and access to education means that folks whose primary concern in life is finding “The Best New Hair Products for Men” couldn’t stand to live here.

However it must be true. If you read Men’s Health, you know that all men are buff, all woman are half-naked and everything is better grilled. These truths are so self-evident that it must mean that the Tampa Bay area is the worst place in the country to live and that everyone in St. Petersburg is one step away from killing themselves, probably because they couldn’t get those six pack abs in six weeks.

This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. With announcements for three new phones from Sony, a new HTC Android device, four fantastic looking entries from Nokia and enough iPhone 3 rumors to fill a million bogs, picking the most interesting offering to write about has been tough. That is until Canadian market giant Research in Motion entered the fray with six new creations, including the new and highly controversial “Crackberry” line.

The Crackberry will reportedly come in two versions, Crackberry Standard and Crackberry Pro. The Pro edition will allow users to send and receive 256bit encrypted text messages, include a police band radio scanner, and utilize a sensitive scale, built in under the display, in conjunction with a custom app called “Big 8”. Other apps only available for the Pro edition will include “Blow up”, a tool for working out lidocaine-to-product ratios, “Bomb squad” a collaboration tool for street team management, and a new client management app simply called “Cluck”. All this on as well as some of the more familiar tools such as Wireless email, a media player and corporate data access.

“The Crackberry line of products was my idea,” proudly reported Co-CEO and Director James “Big Jim” Balsillie, in a press conference Thursday. “People have been using the term for so long now, that I figured, what hey, eh,” continued Balsilie, referring to the term coined to indicate how many Blackberry users are “addicted” to their phones. “And then it hit me, why not capitalize on that. I mean people gotta have what they gotta have, right…eh?” Balsillie, a famed philanthropist, athlete, Honorary Chair of the Peterborough YMCA’s Building New Memories Campaign and the ninth-richest person in Canada, is North America’s leading advocate for the legalization of Crack Cocaine (and a huge crack-head himself.)

The Crackberry Standard model will feature similar innovative features, such as a specially designed touch screen that will compensate for badly shaking hands, a special, fork-like prong near the USB port for scratching and a GPS receiver that will notify the user of any Crackberry Pro carriers in the area. Some have tech insiders have however criticized the device due to its lack of expandable memory and limited MIDI ring tones, but many users have cited the integration with BlackBerry® Enterprise Server for Novell® GroupWise® as more than enough to compensate for some of the shortfalls.
This reporter was fortunate enough to be allowed to interview one of RIM’s test users for the Standard edition. “Man, da Stan-ded may be spec-ed likes da Bold fo sho, but dis one’s fo` da ages,” said Martha Livengood, a happily married mother of three in Debuque, Iowa. “Shorties gosta be at da game, transpo`tin all da time, yo. Feels, you know, like fiddy pa-cent my time I’s cooking (and aint da good kind’o cooking ya feel?) cleanin’ n mo’ transpo`tin. Dat Stan-did man, yo, dat kinda time sava save my time, en help make sho’ I don’t do no time, feel?”

The four models being lost in the hubbub over the Crackberry are the Blackberry Onyx, Magnum, Pearl 3G and Gemini, however RIM’s stock was still up over 4.2% after the bell Friday.

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University Police during a question and answer session with Jack Hanna at the Sun Dome. Myers, a senior majoring in anthropology, insinuated that the host of the popular TV show Jack Hanna’s Animal Adventures continued his relationship with animals off camera. “Is it true that you get lonely after filming your show? I mean; you of all people would know that monkeys are down for anything. Maybe even a little hand job action. And look at that sexy thing over there; you’ve got to be kidding me that you never noticed the super suction on that anteater’s nose! I bet you put your moccasin in there at least one time just to see how it feels; I know I would!” Myers said to a cheering crowd.
“Wait, I’m not even done yet; I still have another question! Is the whole ‘put peanut butter on your testicles and have your dog lick it off’ thing true? I’m sure you could give us some expert testimony on that one! I really want to know!” continued Myers as his microphone was cut off and police escorted him to the back of the arena. “Excuse me! Whoa, whoa, whoa, is anybody watching this?! Hell yes! Get on me! Get your hands all over me! Don’t help! Don’t Help! Are you kidding?! I got this under control! You’re arresting me?! What are you doing?! Is this what you call being physical? Don’t help! Don’t help! I’m OK! I’m OK! That feels so good! Get on me! Get on me! Get the officer over there not doing anything with the big arms to get on me! Help me! Help! I want that buff officer to rub my nipples! They’re arresting me! This is all going by too fast!” Myers said as he was apprehended by police and warned he would be Tasered if his behavior continued.
As police pinned him to the ground, Hanna went on to address the crowd by answering that he has not, to his knowledge, ever engaged in bestiality, but Myers continued his rambunctious behavior. “Get on me, man! What the fuck are you waiting for? Tase me, bro!” he said as he was finally Tasered and shrieked with ecstasy to a stirred up crowd. Myers was eventually apprehended and taken to a local jail, where he spent the night on bond and faces charges of resisting an officer and disturbing the peace.
A statement released by Myers to the media indicates that he is in good spirits about the ordeal. “I can’t believe they actually Tasered me! That’s fucking awesome! And all I had to do was fight for my right to free speech! But seriously, it wasn’t anything like you see on “Cops”. They treated me like I was so damn fragile and I didn’t even get to bust a nut. But the room full of animals and students watching definitely made up for it; it was such a rush! You should have seen the look on that koala’s face: it looked like he wanted to get in on the action, too! And I would have let him if it wasn’t for the police fucking the whole thing up!”
Myers and his attorney are not expected to press charges.

No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only its 11th season, has found itself ranked #18 in both the Associated Press Top 25 poll and the USA Today Coach’s Poll, the highest ranking the school has enjoyed in its young history… and just in time for the #5 ranked West Virginia Mountaineers to come to town. USF saw their ranking surprisingly rise in both polls from 23 to 18 after dismantling Butch Davis’ mediocre North Carolina Tar Heels squad 37-10 Saturday at Raymond James Stadium. Don’t get too excited about that 18 ranking, just yet, USF fans… a #5 versus #18 looks a lot better than a #5 versus #23. That said, the Bulls do have a solid chance at knocking off the Big East frontrunners for a second year in a row, with a stifling defense that should be able to keep WVU’s vaunted triumvirate running attack of Pat White, Steve Slaton, and Noel Devine in check. If they can force White to pass, the Bulls may be staring another victory against a top 10 opponent in the face…
Throwback throw up… In an attempt to revive a pair of slagging efforts to begin the season, the Philadelphia Eagles took Lincoln Financial Field on Sunday against the Detroit Lions, bearing quite possibly the most hideous throwback uniforms ever worn by any professional team in any sport, ever. All of the speculation surrounding Donovan McNabb’s knee injury and diminishing skills were thrown off with a magnificently tacky thrust, as the quarterback threw for more than 400 yards, four touchdowns, and competed 80 percent of his passes en route to a 56-21 rout of the destined 10-win Lions. Some may say that McNabb just needed time to get back on track after two rehab starts, but in reality, Lions’ defenders were distracted by the awful, vomit-inducing threads pimped by the Eagles – so much, in fact, that many Lions complained about scorched retinas during post game interviews. Whatever the cause for the success, the Eagles should keep these awful threads on their backs, because they are so repugnant…
The tables have turned… Entering the fourth week of the NFL season, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers find themselves tied with their archrival Carolina Panthers in the NFC South with a record of 2-1, with last year’s champs, the New Orleans Saints in the cellar at [0-3, 1-2]. The season is playing out just as history had intended, continuing the pattern of the worst-to-first and first-to-worst the division has experienced since its creation in 2002. Week four will bring the Bucs to Carolina, and if all goes right, Gruden’s boys will lay the massive destruction of dominance down on the Panthers. Fag-boy Jake Delhomme’s elbow will need surgery once the Bucs’ D busts his girly Chicklets and pounds his Cajun-slacky lettuce skull into the turf. Sorry, Carolina, but you gotta own that beatdown… or, God could administer his usual torture on my tormented soul and allow the Panthers to win, just to screw me. It has nothing to do with the teams, talent, or how the ball bounces – its all an elaborately constructed joke, orchestrated by the universe, to persecute me, and force me to continue to self medicate…

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets play callers during the first week of the NFL season by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, have received attention from not only the panorama of the NFL, but also the George W. Bush White House.
After being forced to hand over all of the materials and information gathered from stealing opposing team’s defensive signals, Patriots coach Bill Belichick received an unexpected guest at team headquarters.
“The vice president made a special trip to visit our organization to see how we were coming along,” Belichick said to Lush For Life correspondent and former undercover CIA operative Arthur Rocks.  “Mr. Cheney offered our team some positive support and constructive criticism regarding our recent transgressions,” Belichick said.  “With the help of Mr. Cheney and the White House, our team will be incorporating new, ground-breaking methods of surveillance and espionage that have never before been seen in the National Football League,” Belichick said to Rocks in their intimate one-on-one conversation over Old Fashioneds and cocktail onions from coach Belichick’s personal stainless steel steam-bath at team headquarters.
According to New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft, a close friend, golf-partner, and hunting-buddy of President Bush, the White House is “sympathetic to our plight,” and “is willing to do whatever is in their [unlimited and unquestioned] power to see our organization continue on course”.
“Mr. Cheney suggested that our counter-intelligence team should have a more technical and secure approach to gathering information,” Kraft said to Rocks.  “Rather than spying from the sidelines, we should place our investigators in luxury boxes away from the sight of league officials, and supply them with state-of-the-art surveillance equipment,” Kraft said.  “The vice president also offered technology, currently used by the NSA, to tap conversations between opposing coaches during games, and a new way to gain access to radio frequencies transmitted to the opposing quarterback’s helmet radio undetected,” Kraft admitted.
Other intelligence-gathering methods suggested by Cheney include paying members of the opposing stadium’s custodial staff to gain access to team locker rooms for bugging, and recruiting aspiring federal investigators and implanting them as moles in other teams’ organizations to access secret, privileged information.
Coach Belichick indicated that funds needed to develop and employ their revamped surveillance system would be provided by a source outside the organization, but said that source will remain anonymous.  “At this point, we are just moving forward,” Belichick said.  “I’m not going to comment any further.  Right now, we are just moving forward.  We are thinking about the Bengals and moving forward.  There’s nothing more to say, other than we are moving forward,” Belichick said.

WASHINGTON – US Press Secretary Dana Perino arrived at the podium, the air heavy with tension, when she broke the news that heralded super-sleuth Nancy Drew had been captured and now detained by the CIA at the infamous Guantanamo Bay terrorist repository in Cuba.
Perino, sullenly, addressed the awaiting press: “Good morning, everybody… I have some disturbing news about heralded super-sleuth Nancy Drew: it appears that she has been conspiring with terrorist organizations to commit crimes against the United States. While I cannot go into detail, as we have an on going investigation, I can assure you that our intelligence is strong on this and you will be updated at the appropriate time. Now I will open the floor to your questions.”
“Thank you, Ms. Perino. Quentin Schaffer with the Carrollwood Neighborhood News. How long has Ms. Drew been working with the US government, and has she found the secret of the missing clock?”
“I cannot say how long Ms. Drew has been employed with us, and yes, I do believe she found the secret. Next question. Yes, you in the back with the handlebar mustache.”
“Hi. Chester Ringfield, Lush for Life News. How does our government send a young girl deep into enemy territory with no experience and nothing but a flash light and her wits to protect her?”
“Excuse me, sir; I will not have that perverse language in this room!”
“What?! All I said was ‘wits.’”
“Oh. You didn’t say ‘tits?’ (To her assistant) He didn’t say tits? You sure?
“Okay… I’m sorry; please proceed.”
“Thank you, Dana. My point was: don’t we have somebody else to do this job, like the Army Rangers or the Super Friends?”
“Well, Chester, the Rangers are busy protecting our borders from migrant workers and the Super Friends are on contract with a new Broadway play, ‘Shamus! Don’t Touch Me There’, starring Aqua Man as Shamus. (It’s a great play; I can get you balcony seats if you’d like.) What I can assure you of is that President Bush meet with Ms. Drew personally and he felt that she was more than qualified”
“That’s what makes this whole development the ever more disturbing. If President Bush can make this misjudgment, what hope is there for the rest of us?”
“Now, I must go. Thank you.”
We all were shuttled out like cattle. Passing through the outside doors, we were meet by a mob of protesters… but not any ordinary protesters: it was sea of has-beens, who’s-beens, almost-was-beens, that-guy-I-think-was-busted-with-that-other-guy-in-that-bathroom-stall-in-san-fran-you-know-who-I-mean-beens, wow-I-thought-he-died-of-aids-guess-not-beens, and never-will-be-… beens. And Ralph Macchio.
Unexpectedly, one of the Hardy Boys came up to me, reeking of man love and Old Stock cologne.
“Hey, man – you want the real story? Nancy was capture by al-Qaeda and was forced to watch old reruns of Magnum PI, so she had no choice other than to become a double agent.”
“Really?” I ask in amazement. “I didn’t think that Magnum was that bad; it had Tom Selleck and his kick-ass mustache.”
“You know nothing about 80’s sitcoms! T.J. Hooker could kick Tom Magnum’s ass!” “Fuck you, Encyclopedia Brown! Why don’t you take your ass back to San Francisco, or where ever the hell you’re from? Anyway, I thought you had AIDS… shouldn’t you be behind some truck stop making a buck from lonely truckers?”
“Oh my God,” in a pissy voice says Encyclopedia Brown.
“This, coming from the biggest queen ever, Sherlock. I mean, Jesus, why don’t you do some more ‘H’ and blow Watson?”
Out of nowhere, Fred from the Scooby Doo Gang comes in, still wearing that white shirt with popped collars, that freaking blue Afghan, and enough Botox to make Angela Lansbury’s cooter look edible.
“This whole fighting amongst each other gets us nowhere,” Fred shrilled. “We need to Stand up and take action… and now!”
Then: smash! People started throwing bottles and everything went black. I awoke two days later in a bathroom just outside of Georgetown University. My head was in a bandage, and I think I may have been raped; not a lot, but just enough to make me cry a little before bed every night.
This is Chester Ringfield, signing off.

Lush for Life’s newest intrepid reporter, Marriot A. Lamb, has been aware that Hillary Clinton has been getting more than her fair share of attention with regards to her proposed changes to the Health Care system.
He called Mitt Romney (who is at least a Presidential candidate with a full complement of decision-making organs) to get some perspective on her proposal.
Romney was in Salt Lake City buying more magic underwear for his campaign, but agreed to talk on condition that Marriot promised to become a Mormon. (You’d think he’d know by now that you can cross your fingers behind your back when you’re on a phone when no one can see you!)
Marriot A. Lamb: Governor Romney, you don’t agree with Senator Clinton that we can give everyone health care. But if universal health care was good enough for Massachusetts, why isn’t it good enough for the rest of the country?

Mitt Romney: Marriot, you have to understand that the people of Massachusetts are better than most Americans. They’re better than the citizens of any other developed nation in the world, so they were ready for what other advanced nations have: universal healthcare. But you can’t extend this kind of privilege to just anyone – like people living in the other states. So that’s why my new plan is to leave health care on a state-by-state basis. And remember that I specifically mentioned Texas as one state I wouldn’t touch.

MAL: Interesting. So your Massachusetts’ plan was not “European-style socialized medicine,” and her plan is?

MR: I would rather die a slow painful death than be covered by Hillary’s bonehead socialist plan, and I can also speak on behalf of the 45 million uninsured Americans on this issue. I have done intensive and extensive research, having spoken to my friends, all of whom agree with me, and I have also spoken to God while I was in the Temple (which is the only place to speak to God), and He is totally opposed to Hillary’s plan.

MAL: It’s wonderful how you stand up for 45 million Americans Governor… Now, if Senator Clinton is elected, and she does try to get Americans better healthcare, do you think that the insurance and drug lobbies will be able to get her to back down on these campaign promises?

MR:  They will have to. It is un-American. How will the insurance companies make a profit if they are cut out of the loop? Aetna’s in every decent share portfolio there is! The rich are supposed to become richer and those who can’t afford to pay the premiums have only themselves to blame for not working harder and making more money. My proposal is that all the poor become Mormons and then God will provide for them. You have never met a poor Mormon, have you?

MAL: Not really, come to think of it. Why are there no poor Mormons Governor?

MR: It’s the magic underwear Marriot.

MAL: That’s a very thought-provoking answer. Can you FedEx me a couple of pairs of underwear? I can keep my promise to become a Mormon, and then I can make enough money to give up this crummy job.

I feel for you my American cousins; I really do. If this is your chosen reading material, then you may well have heard of far off places outside the Bay Area, like Scotland, Albania, or Tunisia, you may even be able to find such places on a map. You might be capable of conceiving that there are people who have never eaten at KFC’s, girls who have never dreamed of being a cheerleader for their local college team or boys who have no idea what a tailgate is. This article is for you, people.
Thanks to events that have been out of your control, there are many folks who don’t like you. A global community has rallied together in their anger and sadness at the events and actions since 9/11. America is so unpopular, that for the past few years Americans going anywhere outside the states are encouraged to pass themselves off as Canadians! Americans I have met outside America tend to be immediately apologetic and go to great lengths to distance themselves from the Fox News brand of America.
This is unfair. It has become all too easy to jump on the “I hate America” bandwagon – to pout, stamp feet, and blame the States for causing all the instability in the Middle East; for being the sole cause of global warming; for spreading fast food to the four corners of the world. The reality is quite different. EUROPE AND ASIA STILL LOVE YOU. I know, it’s hard to believe, but the facts speak for themselves. Allow me to make you feel better about your cultural identity and list your great achievements.

•    Apple: The world thanks you for technology that is human centred.
•    Movies: There are many great movies made every year in the US.
•    TV: There are some very intelligent documentaries and dramas created every season.
•    Surfing: Thanks, dudes.
•    The light bulb
•    Bourbon whiskey
•    Coming to the aid of the British, and all of Allied Europe, in the Second World War
•    Sunglasses
•    Ten pin bowling
•    www.TED.com
•    The American Novel
•    American Art

The rest of the world knows the best and the worst of America. Those people in France in Britain and in the US who seem to be against what is happening are not generally anti-America – far from it. They are able to see how far the States has regressed from the positive, forward-thinking, inclusive, happy-go-lucky, and inventive people you were known for in the not too distant past. There is a tendency to retreat, lock the door, and put your head in the sand if all those outside your white picket fence are intent on throwing rotten tomatoes at you. Be brave, America, and come join the street party; we’ll bring wine if you leave behind the American beer and bring the Wild Turkey.
Big hugs from London!

Alan Greenspan’s much-anticipated memoirs, entitled “The Age of Turbulence”, hit bookshelves last week. The fanfare surrounding the novel was amazing, with people in some areas of the country queuing for hours in much the same way they would for a new Harry Potter novel. Outside of the Wall Street Barnes & Noble, approximately 400 middle-aged, balding stockbrokers gathered. While some donned thick glasses and wore suits covered in dollar bills, others argued feverishly about the merits of a published inflation target. Reporting was difficult, however, as the crowd quickly became reticent when the media entered the area.
Even more surprising than the novel’s release celebrations were its no-holds-barred commentaries on subjects ranging from the Iraq war to which Federal Reserve Governors refused to shower after squash games. Many readers might even forget that Greenspan is, in fact, a Republican with the way he heaped praise upon the Clinton administration and reserved some of his deepest criticisms reserved for George W. Bush.
Chairman Greenspan recalled disliking President Bush from the first time they met in 1986 in this exerpt:
It was a White House Christmas party… Vice President, at the time, George H.W. Bush wanted to introduce me to his son. I didn’t think too highly of the kid right off the bat. It might have been that he was unable to understand certain basic economic principles that anyone with a Harvard MBA should have no troubles grasping. Then again, it might have been that, toward the end of the night, I noticed him running around naked with a lampshade over his head. First impressions are always difficult to discern.
Not to be outdone by modern day shock-jocks, Greenspan showed his salacious side when he discussed his courtship of and marriage to NBC reporter Andrea Mitchell. Apparently, despite the twenty-year age difference between the two, they had chemistry from the first time they met:
She was interviewing me about the impending Mexican currency crisis. After the cameraman packed up his things and left, we found ourselves alone in my office at the Bank. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. Then she casually told me that she hoped the bailout was going to be “enormous.” I then said that it would probably be “too big” for her to handle. The rest is pretty much history.
The statement in the book that is shaping up to be the most contentious is Greenspan’s notion that the Iraq war is “largely about oil.” Almost every Republican, up to and including the President, quickly sought to rebut Chairman Greenspan’s views on that subject. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said in an ABC interview that he disagreed with the comment that oil was “a leading motivating factor in the war… [It was about] stability in the Gulf.” However, Greenspan countered that, “there are bad people all over the world, from Asia to Africa, yet the United States does very little to ensure stability anywhere but in the Middle East. The war may have been to stop the threat of a rouge state, but it was the threat of a rouge state that gained its power through oil.”
With Alan Greenspan being one of the most influential and trusted political leaders of this generation, his memoirs are sure to leave a mark on the political scene in Washington and beyond. As Greenspan himself put it in one of his more laid back book tour interviews, “I have pissed in the snow, and it’s only the beginning of winter.”

GREEN BAY, WI – In the wake of the Green Bay Packers come-from-behind victory over the San Diego Chargers at Lambeau Field on Sunday, Packers quarterback Brett Favre offered his usual parting words during a post game press conference.
“I am the greatest,” Favre said smugly, “and it is finally almost official.”
Though the future Hall of Fame quarterback’s self-centered comments are nothing new to the Packers press conference arena, his recent inspired play is something the Pack hasn’t seen in a half decade, and has his team placed solely at the top of the NFC North rankings.
Inspired by the recent death of his wife’s stepfather, Rocky Byrd, Favre has once again taken the loss of a close family member and translated it into wins on the field.  As quoted in a previous Lush For Life article, Favre is continuing his pursuit of becoming the most adored and sympathized American athlete, and now is using his family deaths not only to trump the likes of Roger Clemens and Lance Armstrong, but also to take down the legacies of both Hall of Famer Dan Marino and the Miami Dolphins franchise, according to his wife Deanna.
“Brett is an inspired man, and he no longer has any tolerance for those who wish to deprive him of being considered the greatest player ever,” Deanna Favre said to Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks.  “The spirits of our passed loved ones are literally driving my husband, even as his physical skills diminish,” Favre said.
According to Green Bay Packers head coach Mike McCarthy, Favre’s rejuvenated play on the field is, “without a doubt,” the result of a spiritual happening.  “The past few seasons have been tough on Brett,” McCarthy said to Rocks.  “With the death of his stepfather-in-law, he appears to be back on track,” McCarthy said.  According to the Packers medical staff, significant muscle regeneration has occurred in Favre’s hamstrings, biceps, midsection, and groin since the conclusion of last season.
“Upon examination of Brett’s development, it appears that his muscles have now taken on a life of their own,” Green Bay Packers team doctor Pat McKenzie said to Lush For Life correspondent Rob Johnson.  According to medical test results, Favre’s legs have been possessed by dead brother-in-law Casey Tines, his arms by his dead father Irvin, his groin muscle by his wife’s amputated breast, and his midsection by recently passed stepfather-in-law Rocky Byrd.
His unprecedented and unforeseen muscle regeneration has Favre committed to his new personal goal of embarrassing Dan Marino’s legacy of once believed to be untouchable statistical records.
“I’m sick of people saying Dan Marino was the best quarterback ever because of his stats,” Favre said to Johnson.  “I’ve got the ring, and now I’m gonna get his dern records, too,” Favre said, referring to Marino’s all-time passing touchdown record of 420, tied by Favre on Sunday in the fourth quarter against the Chargers.  “Maybe then everybody’ll admit there’s never been anyone greater than me.”
When asked which one of his dead family members were helping him achieve the all-time interception record held by George Blanda, who Favre trails by only