TAMPA – Following yet another year of plummeting into mediocrity (and the worst season endured by the Buccaneers since 1991) under our fearless and determined leader, Jon Gruden, many fans and enthusiasts wonder just how far the Bucs have fallen, and how short the tightening noose looped around Gruden’s neck has become. The staff here at Lush For Life, led by this journalist and our much-publicized team of drunken chimps, will attempt to give all of you Dear Readers a “fair and balanced” account of what is going down at One Buc Place, and what to expect this upcoming season. If we tend to editorialize or succumb to a deep-seeded biased slant – which I assure you, we will – please refrain from sending us your hate mail or various ridicules that continue to accumulate into a massive pile on the L4L sports desk, and just enjoy the ride. Continue Reading

SMITHFIELD, VA – Atlanta Falcons all-pro quarterback Michael Vick held a press conference, Wednesday, indicating his intentions to open and personally operate a new dog kennel business out of his Smithfield, Virginia, home. The kennel service will also act as the home for a newly established international underground gambling ring for risk-takers who fancy cockfighting and dogfighting wagers.
Vick’s decision to open the kennel comes in response to the recent allegations that animal neglect and illegal dogfight training has been occurring in a Virginia home the quarterback owns but does not live in. Rather than deny the allegation, Vick has decided to face the charges while making profit.
“It don’t matter what I say ‘cause y’alls’s never believe what I say cause da color o’ my skin,” Vick said in an interview with dog enthusiast, gambling degenerate, and Lush For Life correspondent Rob Johnson. “So I’m gonna make some badass kickin’ niggas outta deez domesticated poodles and shit-sooz, mutha-fucka.”
Vick’s run-ins with the law didn’t begin with the dog fighting allegations. He has been associated with illegal activity in the past, including marijuana usage and solicitation of underage sex. The player also known as Ron Mexico has attempted to sleep with a group of underage women, as well as taking a marijuana-smoking device onto an airplane. It is unclear whether or not Vick was under the influence of marijuana when diving into his new business venture.
The former Virginia Tech star said his new kennel will be a state-of-the-art facility previously unseen in the world of pet care, and will offer dog owners top-notch service and care for all breeds, for a reasonable price. According to Vick’s attorney Larry Woodward, the facility will boast twelve of the world’s best veterinarians, as well as an entire staff of Mexican cock-fight trainers. Both Vick and Woodward expect the facility to be a success among the high-society and celebrity markets.
“We will offer the best pet care service found anywhere to dogs during the day, and hardcore rigorous training at night,” Woodward said to Rob Johnson. “This will be the only place your pet can receive amenities like gourmet dining and full body massages, while also being trained into a lethal, aggressive killing machine.”
Vick’s role in the business will be minimal, acting mainly as a figurehead for the company. He will, however, recruit an undisclosed number of the most talented fighters every month and enter them into international fighting competitions held in Mexico and various locales in South America, according to Woodward. Vick plans on escorting the packs of once-domesticated-turned-wild-beasts to the fights himself, and will place bets for the dog owners in the fighting competitions of their choice.
“For legal reasons, Michael will not be directly involved in the training of the dogs, the dog fights, or any other gambling proceedings that may happen to occur,” Vick’s agent Joel Segal said to Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks, who has already entered his pure-bred bloodhound into Vick’s kennel. “Vick’s associate, Ron Mexico, will be directly involved with the dogs and will control the gambling side of the business.”
Initial financial figures and gambling proceeds have all involved parties anxious to get started, even though organized animal fighting is illegal in the United States. All fights and funds earned through gambling will be held outside of the US, and the primary bank accounts and money transferring for Vick’s business are held offshore in the Cayman Islands.
A number of notable celebrities have already submitted their dogs to Vick’s kennel to get a head start on the fighting scene. Actor Jeremy Piven has entered his pair of German Shepherds; Charlton Heston has sent a pack of Dobermans and a pair of Welsh Corgi puppies; and troubled singer Britney Spears has entered her 150-pound sheep dog into contention. Most notably, Vice President Dick Cheney has purchased thirty wild dogs from Africa and promptly sent them to Vick’s kennel with a strict torture and training regimen including starvation, scheduled beatings, floggings, and teeth and toenail sharpening.
The first dogfight is scheduled for July 1 in Tijuana and will be hosted by Ron Mexico in his trademark testicle-crunching boots and oversized sombrero.

BLACKSBURG, VA – Accusations of professional and college sports being fixed and previously arranged have finally been confirmed. The quest towards supremacy in college athletics in the upcoming 2007-08 NCAA seasons is officially underway as multiple major universities continue to endure shocking tragedy after tragedy. Continue Reading

DETROIT – After an unprecedented number of Major League Baseball games during the first week of the 2007 season were cancelled due to a variety of cold and inclement weather , suspicions arose at the Lush For Life Headquarters regarding the true reason for the cancellations. Continue Reading

BRISTOL, TN – NASCAR’s newly designed “Car of Tomorrow” not only provides drivers with a restored confidence in safety, but also appears to be destined for much more notoriety outside the universe of left-turn racing. Following his final victory lap at the 2007 Ford City 500 at the Bristol Motor Speedway, driver Kyle Busch applauded the performance of the newly debuted “Car of Tomorrow” he drove towards victory.
“This sumbitch is a hog beast,” Busch said, waiving the victorious checkered flag. “Everyone should drive one these bastards (because) they’re so good.” Continue Reading

ATLANTA – As the incessant screaming and laughter of three dozen drunk chimpanzees finally came to a silence after three solid weeks at Lush For Life Headquarters, we all knew the 64-team field of the NCAA men’s basketball Championship was nearing its end. Now that the Final Four was set, I was sent by Duncan Idaho to Atlanta, against my will I must admit, to apply my poignant reporting techniques towards grasping the current hiccupping heartbeat of college basketball. A half-hearted limp towards getting the story may end up in real trouble, I thought… knowing the neanderthalish temperament of these freakish genetic anomalies, and the short fuse they have for my presence. Having a pair of rabid, drunken chimps by my side would be essential to getting it right, too. Continue Reading

TAMPA – As the beginning of 2007 Major League Baseball season looms, we find ourselves in the middle of spring training, with many of the questions that have been asked in seasons past being asked once again, and many of the issues baseball has half-heartedly limped towards fixing still kicking America’s pastime in the rear. Lush For Life will attempt to sort through all of the nonsense and give all of our dear readers a clear-sighted view of what to expect this upcoming year. Continue Reading

ATLANTA – Traveling to the site of this year’s Final Four showdown has revealed new facts explaining the overwhelming popularity of college basketball’s annual 64-team tournament.
An in-depth investigation conducted by a team of investigators began at Lush For Life headquarters at the beginning of the men’s college basketball season, designed to evaluate the sport and its popularity.  What Lush For Life investigators found is that men’s college basketball is, for the most part, boring and terrible, with poor execution on both sides of the floor.  The game was very popular among our chimps, however, providing hours and hours of laughter for some of the most skilled and trained writers and floor-moppers on the planet. Continue Reading

LAS VEGAS – Following the results of the NBA’s annual spectacle of the league’s most talented players, league commissioner David Stern, along with several team owners, are planning to send the once revered, respected American sport in a bold new direction.
Though the results of the game are not confirmed (because no one actually stayed to watch the entire event), reports out of Las Vegas indicate that the Western Conference emerged victorious 153-132 over the East.  Most of the game action, according to reports gathered from random crumpled napkins and discarded box scores drenched in vomit found in a dumpster outside a local Las Vegas strip club by Vegas titty-bar regular and Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks, the game mostly consisted of undefended, full-court passes, followed by monstrous slam dunks that would make John Amaechi wince in disgust between blow jobs and huffs of amyl nitrate.  Tickets for the game sold for $25,000, with most of the proceeds going towards commissioner Stern’s new business plans. Continue Reading