No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only its 11th season, has found itself ranked #18 in both the Associated Press Top 25 poll and the USA Today Coach’s Poll, the highest ranking the school has enjoyed in its young history… and just in time for the #5 ranked West Virginia Mountaineers to come to town. USF saw their ranking surprisingly rise in both polls from 23 to 18 after dismantling Butch Davis’ mediocre North Carolina Tar Heels squad 37-10 Saturday at Raymond James Stadium. Don’t get too excited about that 18 ranking, just yet, USF fans… a #5 versus #18 looks a lot better than a #5 versus #23. That said, the Bulls do have a solid chance at knocking off the Big East frontrunners for a second year in a row, with a stifling defense that should be able to keep WVU’s vaunted triumvirate running attack of Pat White, Steve Slaton, and Noel Devine in check. If they can force White to pass, the Bulls may be staring another victory against a top 10 opponent in the face…
Throwback throw up… In an attempt to revive a pair of slagging efforts to begin the season, the Philadelphia Eagles took Lincoln Financial Field on Sunday against the Detroit Lions, bearing quite possibly the most hideous throwback uniforms ever worn by any professional team in any sport, ever. All of the speculation surrounding Donovan McNabb’s knee injury and diminishing skills were thrown off with a magnificently tacky thrust, as the quarterback threw for more than 400 yards, four touchdowns, and competed 80 percent of his passes en route to a 56-21 rout of the destined 10-win Lions. Some may say that McNabb just needed time to get back on track after two rehab starts, but in reality, Lions’ defenders were distracted by the awful, vomit-inducing threads pimped by the Eagles – so much, in fact, that many Lions complained about scorched retinas during post game interviews. Whatever the cause for the success, the Eagles should keep these awful threads on their backs, because they are so repugnant…
The tables have turned… Entering the fourth week of the NFL season, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers find themselves tied with their archrival Carolina Panthers in the NFC South with a record of 2-1, with last year’s champs, the New Orleans Saints in the cellar at [0-3, 1-2]. The season is playing out just as history had intended, continuing the pattern of the worst-to-first and first-to-worst the division has experienced since its creation in 2002. Week four will bring the Bucs to Carolina, and if all goes right, Gruden’s boys will lay the massive destruction of dominance down on the Panthers. Fag-boy Jake Delhomme’s elbow will need surgery once the Bucs’ D busts his girly Chicklets and pounds his Cajun-slacky lettuce skull into the turf. Sorry, Carolina, but you gotta own that beatdown… or, God could administer his usual torture on my tormented soul and allow the Panthers to win, just to screw me. It has nothing to do with the teams, talent, or how the ball bounces – its all an elaborately constructed joke, orchestrated by the universe, to persecute me, and force me to continue to self medicate…

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets play callers during the first week of the NFL season by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, have received attention from not only the panorama of the NFL, but also the George W. Bush White House.
After being forced to hand over all of the materials and information gathered from stealing opposing team’s defensive signals, Patriots coach Bill Belichick received an unexpected guest at team headquarters.
“The vice president made a special trip to visit our organization to see how we were coming along,” Belichick said to Lush For Life correspondent and former undercover CIA operative Arthur Rocks.  “Mr. Cheney offered our team some positive support and constructive criticism regarding our recent transgressions,” Belichick said.  “With the help of Mr. Cheney and the White House, our team will be incorporating new, ground-breaking methods of surveillance and espionage that have never before been seen in the National Football League,” Belichick said to Rocks in their intimate one-on-one conversation over Old Fashioneds and cocktail onions from coach Belichick’s personal stainless steel steam-bath at team headquarters.
According to New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft, a close friend, golf-partner, and hunting-buddy of President Bush, the White House is “sympathetic to our plight,” and “is willing to do whatever is in their [unlimited and unquestioned] power to see our organization continue on course”.
“Mr. Cheney suggested that our counter-intelligence team should have a more technical and secure approach to gathering information,” Kraft said to Rocks.  “Rather than spying from the sidelines, we should place our investigators in luxury boxes away from the sight of league officials, and supply them with state-of-the-art surveillance equipment,” Kraft said.  “The vice president also offered technology, currently used by the NSA, to tap conversations between opposing coaches during games, and a new way to gain access to radio frequencies transmitted to the opposing quarterback’s helmet radio undetected,” Kraft admitted.
Other intelligence-gathering methods suggested by Cheney include paying members of the opposing stadium’s custodial staff to gain access to team locker rooms for bugging, and recruiting aspiring federal investigators and implanting them as moles in other teams’ organizations to access secret, privileged information.
Coach Belichick indicated that funds needed to develop and employ their revamped surveillance system would be provided by a source outside the organization, but said that source will remain anonymous.  “At this point, we are just moving forward,” Belichick said.  “I’m not going to comment any further.  Right now, we are just moving forward.  We are thinking about the Bengals and moving forward.  There’s nothing more to say, other than we are moving forward,” Belichick said.

GREEN BAY, WI – In the wake of the Green Bay Packers come-from-behind victory over the San Diego Chargers at Lambeau Field on Sunday, Packers quarterback Brett Favre offered his usual parting words during a post game press conference.
“I am the greatest,” Favre said smugly, “and it is finally almost official.”
Though the future Hall of Fame quarterback’s self-centered comments are nothing new to the Packers press conference arena, his recent inspired play is something the Pack hasn’t seen in a half decade, and has his team placed solely at the top of the NFC North rankings.
Inspired by the recent death of his wife’s stepfather, Rocky Byrd, Favre has once again taken the loss of a close family member and translated it into wins on the field.  As quoted in a previous Lush For Life article, Favre is continuing his pursuit of becoming the most adored and sympathized American athlete, and now is using his family deaths not only to trump the likes of Roger Clemens and Lance Armstrong, but also to take down the legacies of both Hall of Famer Dan Marino and the Miami Dolphins franchise, according to his wife Deanna.
“Brett is an inspired man, and he no longer has any tolerance for those who wish to deprive him of being considered the greatest player ever,” Deanna Favre said to Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks.  “The spirits of our passed loved ones are literally driving my husband, even as his physical skills diminish,” Favre said.
According to Green Bay Packers head coach Mike McCarthy, Favre’s rejuvenated play on the field is, “without a doubt,” the result of a spiritual happening.  “The past few seasons have been tough on Brett,” McCarthy said to Rocks.  “With the death of his stepfather-in-law, he appears to be back on track,” McCarthy said.  According to the Packers medical staff, significant muscle regeneration has occurred in Favre’s hamstrings, biceps, midsection, and groin since the conclusion of last season.
“Upon examination of Brett’s development, it appears that his muscles have now taken on a life of their own,” Green Bay Packers team doctor Pat McKenzie said to Lush For Life correspondent Rob Johnson.  According to medical test results, Favre’s legs have been possessed by dead brother-in-law Casey Tines, his arms by his dead father Irvin, his groin muscle by his wife’s amputated breast, and his midsection by recently passed stepfather-in-law Rocky Byrd.
His unprecedented and unforeseen muscle regeneration has Favre committed to his new personal goal of embarrassing Dan Marino’s legacy of once believed to be untouchable statistical records.
“I’m sick of people saying Dan Marino was the best quarterback ever because of his stats,” Favre said to Johnson.  “I’ve got the ring, and now I’m gonna get his dern records, too,” Favre said, referring to Marino’s all-time passing touchdown record of 420, tied by Favre on Sunday in the fourth quarter against the Chargers.  “Maybe then everybody’ll admit there’s never been anyone greater than me.”
When asked which one of his dead family members were helping him achieve the all-time interception record held by George Blanda, who Favre trails by only

Not a Vick-tim… In a statement made by NAACP President Dennis Courtland Hayes on Thursday, Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick “is not a victim,” and “should be held accountable.” Hayes also said Vick should be welcomed back to the Falcons and the community after his prison sentence is completed. As far as L4L is concerned, Michael Vick should never play another down of football, even if he is black and has a civil rights group backing him. Just imagine what the response would be if Brett Favre killed a bunch of dogs… Pro Bowlers to toilet bowlers… The new trend in the NFL, apparently, is to part ways with the heart of your defense, and for no logical reason. Washington Redskins linebacker Lemar Marshall, and Philadelphia Eagles linebacker Jeremiah Trotter, both former Pro Bowlers and the heart of their respective team’s defenses, were released last week for no rhyme or reason. Maybe the Buccaneers should follow suit in this recent trend and part ways with the aging Derrick Brooks, who is determined to miss a record number of tackles this season as he continues to embarrass himself as the liability he has become… Dubya’s boys score 30… In a record setting game, the Texas Rangers piled up 30 runs on the Baltimore Orioles last Wednesday, all coming after the third inning of the game. It’s an amazing feat for any team to accomplish, sure… but even more astonishing is that it didn’t happen to the Devil Rays, who have compiled the worst bullpen, statistically speaking, in the last 90 years… Hurricanes expanding enterprise… In an announcement made last week by the University of Miami (FL), the team will reportedly move their home football games from the grungy and run-down Orange Bowl, the team’s home for seven decades, following the 2007 college football season, to Dolphin Stadium. The announcement may delight the fans who dreaded attending Miami home games in the ghetto-ridden Orange Bowl neighborhood, but could mean trouble for the city of Miami. The move will mean the players of the Miami Hurricanes football program, who are all drug dealers and couldn’t meet minimum NCAA education requirements if they attended a public university, will undoubtedly move their drug-selling enterprises to Dolphin Stadium and its surrounding neighborhoods. As if you couldn’t buy cocaine there already… after all, it is Miami…
– DA

NEW YORK – As the forthcoming NFL football season approaches, professional football junkies, fantasy league participants, gambling degenerates, and stats fiends have found themselves in a belligerent frenzy for kickoff weekend spreads, and have become waiting sponges for info on third-string flier backups and their stat lines in all-night ESPN viewing binges. With so much speculation surrounding every team, division, and conference every year, Lush For Life has decided to lend a helping hand to all of those for whom this applies (this writer being one), as we have gone out of our way to detail how the looming season will unfold. Keep this article in your draft kits, fantasy footballers… and to those who don’t participate in such trivial, nonsensical indulgences, simply read and enjoy.
Various transactions over the last week have left the NFC somewhat up for grabs for the bubble teams with Lombardi dreams, and sent a harsh stroke of mediocrity to those who felt their success was a matter of entitlement. In probably the most shocking roster move over the last month, the Philadelphia Eagles released 4-time Pro Bowl linebacker Jeremiah Trotter for no good logical reason. The 30-year old middle linebacker, who has, according to his agent, applied for a part-time grill man position at The Sizzler will undoubtedly leave a huge hole in the middle of their once-dominant blitz-happy defense – which may end up costing them their playoff glory with an energized Dallas Cowboys team humping their coattails. Then again, with Wade Phillips at the helm, the Cowboys may end up converting their team into a band of Chippendale’s dancers, and Texas Stadium into America’s largest brothel, with Terrell Owens as the venue’s signature performer.
The Atlanta Falcons received inevitable news, Monday, when franchise quarterback Michael Vick announced he will enter a guilty plea in his pending dog-fighting and racketeering case. The hole will present an opportunity for maligned first-round bust Joey Harrington to step into the starting quarterback role, and promptly fall on his face. Their once dominant running game will take a hit without Vick, not to mention the nagging back injury of running back Warrick Dunn. Look for backup running back Jerious Norwood to have a reasonable season as he becomes a bigger part of the Falcons offense, but the Falcons will still end up on the doormat of the NFC South.
The New Orleans Saints, a frontrunner in the NFC, still feel they have the moxie and underdog vibe they rode all the way to the NFC title game last year, which I am pleased to say will not happen. The Saints defense has looked even worse than last year – so horrible, in fact, that head coach Sean Payton has inquired as to the availability of actresses Rue McClanahan, Bea Arthur, and Estelle Getty in attempt to shore up their beleaguered secondary.
Our beloved Tampa Bay Buccaneers may not fare much better than their aforementioned NFC South foes. Not everyone can be terrible in the NFC South, however, and I’ll be damned if I ever say anything positive about the Carolina Panthers, so the Bucs could sniff a wildcard spot. With an aging team growing gray in all directions, coach Jon Gruden and general manager Bruce Allen are doing all they can to avoid getting fired – everything short of drafting good players and pursuing quality free agents with a reasonable upside. The Buccaneers are a Jeff Garcia injury away from another 4-12 season and, even with Garcia, will struggle to win more games than they lose. A 9-7 record is as good as our hometowners can hope for, but that still may be good enough to get into the playoffs in the weak NFC.
The AFC is a different story. These teams will be assaulting each other into beaten slabs of limp flesh sacks to achieve the honor of representing the AFC in the Super Bowl. The often-victorious New England Patriots will complete their quest for the Lombardi Trophy once again. Though Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and company are loaded with talent, their victory will come from the sympathy factor over the death of defensive end Marquise Hill. Dramatic storylines will drive the upcoming year in collegiate sports, and the NFL will be no different.
Though the Pats have a significant stake to the claim of the most sympathetic team because of Hill’s drowning, the Denver Broncos have endured two deaths in the off-season, and will get serious consideration for an AFC title. The Broncos lost backup running back Damien Nash after he collapsed at a charity basketball event, and also endured the death of two-year veteran cornerback Darrent Williams, the result of a drive-by shooting on New Year’s Eve. The deaths will be enough push the Broncos past their annual playoff foe, the Indianapolis Colts, to the AFC title game, where they will ultimately fall short to the Patriots, who simply have too much talent for the maligned and grieving Broncos to defeat.
That said, I will not pick an NFC team to go to the Super Bowl, mainly because they are all terrible. No matter who makes it to Arizona for the Super Bowl, no one will match up with the AFC opponent, period.
Belichick will sport the hoodie; Peyton Manning will grow a year uglier; the Rams will once again prove how gay they are (but will not come close to their once dominant gayness because of the absence of Kurt Warner); the Panthers will play even dirtier (with Chris Simms’ spleen strapped to the goalpost in the south endzone); Chad Johnson will entertain once again; Terrell Owens will try, and drop a few passes in between; and John Kitna’s ten-win prediction may come true.

Making Gaines with spoiled Rice… The Tampa Bay Buccaneers made another questionable roster move last week, presumably to further entrench themselves as the most poorly run organization in the entire NFL, releasing perennial Pro-Bowl defensive end Simeon Rice, reportedly due to a failed physical upon arriving at training camp in Lake Buena Vista, FL. The move comes following the signing of first-round pick D-lineman Gaines Adams, who is considered the eventual successor to Rice’s pass-rushing position. Though Rice was coming off shoulder surgery which ended his season last year in week 9, and the team was aware Rice’s rehabilitation was likely going to spill into training camp, the Bucs still released him due to his health. When the team selected Adams fourth overall in this year’s draft, the plan at the time was to allow Adams to ease into the position, learn Monte Kiffin’s complicated and detailed defensive scheme, and have the opportunity to be groomed by Rice as a mentor. The decision to release him was shocking, and the timing even more troubling. Money wasn’t the reasoning, even though Rice was due to earn just over $7 million (compared to $12 million last year), because the team still maintains significant salary cap space, and Rice had remained on the team throughout the summer and already received his scheduled roster bonuses for the year. It appears to this esteemed journalist that the Bucs had a vendetta for Rice, and were dead-set on releasing him at this moment from the very beginning, hoping to ruin any possibility of Rice landing with any other team. Not a very good way to begin a year…

Treat Bonds fairly, dammit… Since the start of Barry Bonds’ pursuit of Hank Aaron’s homerun record, and the first dose of anabolic steroids he injected into his ass cheek, he has worn a sense of arrogance and entitlement to the record, as if it belonged to him all along. For the last week, Bonds has been stuck at no. 754, and pitchers haven’t been throwing meat down the center of the plate. With every pitch, Bonds winces in frustration, upset that he’s not getting the pitches he wants, throwing his bat in disgust following every base-on-balls. Someone should just toss an underhand duck right into his strike zone, proving that he and his record are bullshit, and mean nothing…

Walsh passes away… Breaking news hit the Lush For Life wire report, Monday, with the death of former San Francisco 49ers and Hall of Fame coach Bill Walsh. Walsh was arguably the most revolutionary mind in the history of the pigskin, inventing an offensive scheme that over half the teams in the NFL employ today, the West Coast offense. His coaching tree branches out to almost every head coach in football, and he holds one of the best winning percentages in the history of the NFL while winning three Super Bowls. Lush For Life adores you, Bill Walsh. Screw Lombardi, you were the man…

NAACP still whining… In a press release Monday, the NAACP asked for restraint from the public and Michael Vick’s sponsors, asking to hold their judgment of the maligned quarterback until his due process is completed. If it weren’t for them, or a large portion of African-Americans, I would have thought Vick’s case had nothing to do with race. Until you stop bringing attention to your skin color, you’ll always be sitting in the back of the bus. But then again, I know if Tom Brady tortured dogs, we’d be hassling him because he’s white, right?

RICHMOND, VA – As alleged dog-fighting conspirator and Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick sat in court for his arraignment alongside his high-priced legal defense team last Thursday, thoughts of his once underground and seedy Virginia dog-fighting ring were not far from his mind. While the accused murderer of canines awaited decision on his court date, the defendant’s publicists were entrenched in attempting to restore the maligned quarterback’s image in the eyes of the public, releasing this statement exclusively to Lush For Life’s senior on-site correspondent Arthur Rocks:
“Mr. Vick is deeply disturbed by the recent discovery of his alleged illegal activity involving dogs and dog-fighting,” Vick’s publicist Rosie Rojas said to Rocks. “We are working around the clock to establish various avenues of solution no matter what the eventual outcome of Mr. Vick’s federal criminal court proceedings,” Rojas said.
The project of restoring Vick’s image may prove to be more difficult than Rojas and Vick’s team of public propaganda spinners originally believed. Over the past two weeks, Vick has seen all of his products removed from retail shelves, and his sponsors run for cover. He has been suspended from attending Atlanta Falcons training camp, his endorsements with Nike and Reebok have been suspended, his new athletic shoes remain unreleased, his jerseys have been removed, all clothing lines bearing his name or likeness have been removed, and his football trading cards have been omitted from all future card packages.
With federal indictments and criminal court cases involving animal abuse both receiving over 90 percent conviction rates, Vick’s eventual guilty charge seems imminent in the eyes of his defense team, according to Vick’s primary defense attorney Billy Martin.
“It’s not looking good,” Martin said to Lush For Life correspondent Rob Johnson after learning of a superceding indictment, including more charges and witnesses against Vick. “Rest assured, however, that even though Michael’s career with the Falcons and his time in the NFL may have passed him, he plans on launching a new lucrative career, following whatever sentence he receives, which will maximize his new-found talent in organizing animal fights,” Martin said.
With his football playing career all but over, Vick plans on launching a new animal fighting business, involving not only dogs, but many types of popular and exotic animals. He is currently in the process of liquidating all of his life savings and funds earned through dog-fighting to build several 200,000 square-foot makeshift zoos, with numerous fenced-in fighting rings and several types of animals from all levels of the animal kingdom.
All animal fighting zoos are planned to be built outside of the United States and in zones where animal cruelty is viewed as a harmless vice by local governments and authorities. Construction has begun on the massive animal fighting facilities in Mexico City, Rio de Janeiro, and Manila City, with plans to break ground in early 2008 in Dar es Salem and Melbourne. The arenas will feature fights between both polar and black bears, lions, gorillas, lemurs, panthers, leopards, cheetahs, and orangutans, according to Rojas. Some fights will involve one animal paired against another, and some will contain a whole ring full of drugged, vicious animals attempting to tear each other to bloody shreds.
The animal fights will reportedly be fought to the death, and animals will be injected with various muscle-building anabolic steroids, methamphetamines, and lysergic acid diethylamide, designed to increase the competitiveness between animals, as well as the greater possibility for gruesome, gory results in the battles.
Vick’s agent Joel Segal is reportedly in contract talks with Jeff Borris, the agent for San Francisco Giants outfielder Barry Bonds, regarding structuring a contract in the ballpark of $100-million for Bonds to compete in fights with the larger animals after his baseball career is completed and he is free to consume as many new designer steroids as he pleases. According to Borris, Bonds is excited about Vick’s new business and his future, and plans on consuming enough steroids to grow to over five-hundred pounds of solid muscle, making him capable of defeating an entire pride of lions, and giving him the ability to snap a fully-grown gorilla’s neck with his thigh muscles.

WASHINGTON – The FBI has accumulated new facts in their investigation of former National Basketball Association referee Tim Donaghy, who was alleged to have participated in sports gambling and point-shaving in the games he worked as an official from 2005-07. FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper, who heads the Donaghy investigation, said to Lush For Life correspondent and Las Vegas high-roller Arthur Rocks that the disgraced referee has accumulated several significant gambling debts to a number of prominent high-stakes gamblers and former athletes, including Michael Jordan and God Election ‘07 candidate Charles Barkley.
“Our investigation has led us to several former NBA players,” Cooper said to Rocks as the two dined with Mint Juleps and brie at a dog-fighting competition hosted by Davon Boddie, cousin of dog-fighting extraordinaire Michael Vick, at Churchill Downs. “Following a series of transactions traced from a Las Vegas bookmaking enterprise to an offshore Swiss account, we found deposits made into Mr. Jordan and Mr. Barkley’s bank accounts” Cooper said. “It appears they have been working alongside Donaghy, and not only were aware of his dealings, but aided in his delinquency.”
According to the report released by the FBI earlier this week, wagers between Jordan and Donaghy can be traced back to the 1994-95 NBA basketball season, Donaghy’s first season as an NBA official and Jordan’s return from a year-and-a-half long retirement. The two met while attending a Chicago White Sox afternoon game in Jordan’s luxury box before Jordan’s return to the Chicago Bulls later that year. The two men instantly hit it off, placing competitive wagers against Mayor of Chicago Richard Daley and his family, from $10,000 bets on eventual outcomes of at-bats, to the placement of the baseball after the end of an inning. According to the report, Donaghy lost the legal and sexual rights to his daughter to the Daley family, but instead Jordan agreed with Daley to return to basketball and bring the city of Chicago more championships. Part of the wagering agreement entailed that Donaghy do all in his power to make sure Jordan and the Bulls accomplished their goal, up to and including altering the outcomes of games by calling phantom personal fouls in deciding moments of games, and allowing Jordan to get away with anything he wanted, according to Special Agent Cooper. Jordan was unavailable for comment.
Donaghy’s lost bets to Jordan over the years has led to numerous point spread alterations, phantom foul calls, player ejections, league imposed suspensions, and various game-changing decisions. Some of Donaghy’s more recent infractions have come as a result of massive debt owed to lost wagers to former basketball player and God Election ’07 nominee Charles Barkley.
Donaghy’s questionable decision to eject Phoenix Suns All-Star center Amare Stoudemire in game 4 of the 2007 Western Conference Finals came as a result of debt owed to Barkley, an openly compulsive gambler, according to Barkley himself.
“I don’t care what that fool says about what he did or didn’t do,” Barkley said to Lush For Life correspondent Rob Johnson, who also owes Barkley $50 from a wager made in a curling event in Canada held three months ago. “I’ve done well against him in the past, and he’s usually really good about paying up,” Barkley said. “Sometimes he does other stuff for me. I had a $250,000 bet with Dan Majerle on the West Finals. I had the Spurs, and when the Suns had a 2-1 lead in the series, I had to do something. Timmy was able to help me out,” Barkley said.
It is unclear whether or not the allegations or confession by Barkley will affect his standing in the eyes of voters in the God Election. It doesn’t seem to concern him at this point, however.
“People know I’d be a good God. All supreme beings have gambled in the past, just look at the books,” Barkley said. “You telling me Him sending his Son to die for all people’s sins was a sure thing? Think again, buddy,” Barkley said.
“I’m still not a role model,” Barkley stated, “But I am a god. That’s all I gotta say.”

Oden an omen… With the first selection in the 2007 NBA Draft, the Portland Trail Blazers drafted Greg Oden, a seven-foot monster center from Ohio State. Oden is heralded as the best big-man to enter the league since the likes of future Hall of Fame locks Shaquille O’Neal and Tim Duncan, and was the clear-cut obvious choice to go number one, even over the freakishly awesome Kevin Durant. The pick marks the first time the Blazers have done something right in over a decade, but it didn’t occur without some deliberation. Team management contemplated trading the pick to Orlando for so-far bust forward Darko Milicic, and when that fell through, thought about trading the pick to the New York Knicks for cash, which they would use to purchase the rights to Khalid Sheikh Mohammed from the US military base in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. After attempts to acquire Mohammed fell through, the team decided to go ahead and select Oden. He may not have been their first choice, but they may get a few NBA championships out of it, anyway…
Daly wins again, for the first time… Legendary golfer John Daly – legendary around the Lush For Life newsroom, anyway – won the Telus World Skins Event for the second year in a row, for the first time in the event’s history, last month. Between his golf matches, Daly has built a reputation of engaging in all-night drinking binges, getting in bar fights, rugby-tackling fans in Australian bathrooms, and smoking cigarettes and eating greasy potato chips while hung over at 7 a.m. during golf tournaments. Daly’s technique is far from refined, as he possesses one of the most powerful drives in all of golf, but is a far cry from a decent putter. Nonetheless, Daly released his unmatched skills on the field and won a tournament. Lush For Life is currently in the process of organizing an exclusive interview with Daly, which will last 36-hours and involve large amounts of booze, cocaine, cigarettes, and LSD…
Beck remembered… Former All-Star closing pitcher Rod Beck passed away last week from unknown causes, reportedly. Beck, who hasn’t played in the Majors since 2004, still remained an avid baseball competitor, playing in a small minor Iowa league. Beck reportedly purchased an RV, which he lived in outside the small baseball field where he played, and often entertained fans and anyone who cared to knock on his door, sharing a beer and discussing baseball. What a badass. Lush For Life loves you, Rod Beck…
The Kobe Channel… Following making his displeasure known to Lakers ownership and management, a video of All-Star Lakers guard Kobe Bryant popped up on YouTube, showing the star player talking shit about his team and demanding a trade from an empty parking lot in the wee hours of the morning. This is all fine and good in the age of the megalomaniacal narcissistic athlete, but whomever posted the video, presumably one of Bryant’s friends, was charging $1.99 for the right to view the video. It is unclear how much money the unnamed person made, but one thing is clear: Kobe Bryant is fucked up…
All-Star voters are stupid… San Francisco Giants outfielder and suspected roid-head Barry Bonds was selected to his 14th All-Star game on Sunday, narrowly sneaking past Chicago Cubs outfielder Alfonso Soriano for the final roster spot. Though much speculation surrounds the 43-year-old steroid user regarding performance-enhancing drugs, and he is about to break the most prized record in all of baseball, fans still selected him to the game. Not only does he not deserve to represent the league and is having a sub-par season, nobody likes him, either, which raises the question of who voted for him. There are a lot of fans in San Fran who adore him, but not enough to make that great of a difference. Hopefully Dan Haren, C.C. Sabathia, Jonathan Papelbon, or any other of the American League pitchers do the right thing and bury some chin music right into his freggin’ head. It’s so enormous it’d be hard to miss. –DA

FAYETTEVILLE, GA – In response to the double murder-suicide slayings committed by Chris Benoit last week, Benoit’s family members filed several civil lawsuits against Soloflex, Inc., and World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) and majority shareholder Vince McMahon, according to an anonymous family member of Benoit.

According to the source, as told to Lush For Life correspondent and amateur Samoan wrestler Arthur Rocks, the family plans on launching a full-scale court battle against Soloflex, McMahon, and the WWE in separate lawsuits. The American Civil Liberties Union will represent the family in all suits, including prosecutors Ben Wizner and Eric Balaban, according to ACLU press secretary Bob Briggs.

The family claims Soloflex and founder Jerry Wilson knowingly produced, distributed, and sold a lethal household device capable of causing injury and death in the form of their flagship home gym. Benoit committed suicide by hanging himself on the best-selling home gym after strangling his wife Nancy and smothering his 7-year-old son Daniel last week. The family is looking to receive over 150-million dollars in damages.
“The remaining members of the Benoit family are having to cope with a great deal of agony,” Briggs said to Lush For Life correspondent Rob Johnson. “We are here to help the bereaved and the persecuted and those who have been wronged by large corporations. They have a good case and a legitimate claim,” Briggs said.

Following the lawsuit, the entire stock of Soloflex home gyms manufactured in the company’s production facility in China were purchased by the Ku Klux Klan, a United States social club considered by many to be a domestic terrorist organization. Over 100,000 units and accessory attachments were purchased by the Klan, at the price of $1800 each, according to KKK board chairman and treasurer Clyde Bower. Though it has not been determined whether or not the Soloflex is actually a hanging device, the Klan claims they cannot wait for litigation rulings and need to act now. “Once we heard what these suns-a-bitches could do, we had to have ‘em,” Bower said to Lush For Life correspondent and southern Baptist minister Porcious Crank. “These machines’ll help us do our lynchin’ and get all of our freedom fighters in better fightin’ shape,” Bower said. The Klan plans on distributing Soloflex machines to their members to help discourage further racial integrations throughout the southern region of the United States, according to Bower.

Rather than going to trial, Soloflex executives said to Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks that the company has prepared a settlement case for the Benoit family in the sum of $100 million. According to Soloflex founder and CEO Jerry Wilson, the funds earned from the Ku Klux Klan purchases will be used to pay the Benoit settlement fee, if accepted. “We didn’t see this coming,” Wilson said, “but like any good American company, we are able to roll with the punches. We sell our home gyms as just that, and nothing more. From this point on, it is not our responsibility if customers use our devices for anything other than their original purpose – which is stated in a new disclaimer added to our product manual before the Klan purchase,” Wilson said.

The lawsuit filed against the WWE and Vince McMahon is considered to be a more complicated case, according to ACLU attorneys. The Benoit family claims the late Chris Benoit committed his crimes solely in response to his wrestling personality being written out of current dramatic storylines in the upcoming WWE broadcasts. WWE promoter and majority shareholder Vince McMahon was engaged in a fake-death plot developing in the wrestling program, and personally refused to grant Benoit a role in the story. According to ACLU attorneys, the motive of Benoit’s double murder-suicide was to foil McMahon’s primetime broadcast of his return to the ring. Benoit’s wishes came true on June 25 on “WWE Smackdown”, as McMahon was forced to abandon his comeback and devote the telecast to a Benoit memorial. Attorneys claim that if McMahon had decided to include Benoit in the story, the brutal and bizarre slayings would have not occurred.

Court rulings are scheduled to begin next month. In other news, the WWE plans on releasing commemorative “WWE Edition” Bibles identical to the ones placed next to Nancy and Daniel Benoit’s corpses by Benoit. All proceeds are to be used for the organization’s defense in the Benoit family’s civil suit.