“WASHINGTON – The permafrost in the Arctic Circle is melting and releasing methane gasses into the atmosphere, accelerating global warming a lot faster than expected.

Global warming threatens the environment and the wooly-minded comfort zones of creationists and Bush-huggers alike, but is it an immediate threat to the international economy?

Yes, because the melting glaciers are revealing more than pieces of frozen mammoths.

The latest discovery: a perfectly preserved flying saucer, which Canadian and American scientists have determined brought the first female homo sapiens to earth.

DNA tests have confirmed that the original woman known as “”Eve”" arrived from a planet of unknown origin in this craft, which is decorated with an elaborately-lettered banner. NASA has deciphered this banner to read:

’A Dame’s Haberdashery

Ribbons and Lace: 50% off all month!’

Men losing it in translation as usual? A’dam’s rib’ indeed! Probably some poor scribe fantasizing about sinking his teeth into charred flesh coated in barbeque sauce, instead of whatever nasty vegetarian gruel they supplied at the monastery.

Now, here is the part of economic interest. Wedged under the captain’s seat, pinned there by the somewhat unfortunately miscalculated impact of the vehicle with the earth’s surface, the discoverers found a phrase book.

(Shut up about parking skills. When we want your comments about parking, driving, or impacting skills, we’ll ask for them, okay? Any more sniping and we’ll tell JPMorgan Chase Bank that you want a new credit card, get all your telephone numbers, and send the details to every call center in Bangalore.)

Yes, a forgotten translation/phrase book. Sadly lost long ago, but now removed from the possession of NASA by the Federal Reserve. It has been determined that the contents cannot be released, ever, for fear of major negative consequences for the USA, and world, consumer economy.

However, Duncan Idaho has been hacking again, and L4L has obtained a copy of part of the book. We will share excepts with our readers, on the basis that L4L is already in deep doo-doo with Google, Karl Rove, and other powers-that-be, and we don’t give a flying f? er, saucer whether we get in any deeper.

Excepts include:

q Do not say: ‘Do these jeans make my butt look fat?’ Rather, explain to him: ‘Tell me you adore me and that I am gorgeous, or I am going shopping, now, irrespective of the credit card balance.’

q Do not say: ‘I want a man who cares about me and listens to me.’ Rather, explain to him: ‘Listen to me whine about my mother for ten minutes, three times per week, and take me to dinner twice a month without my having to ask, or make the reservations, or I am going shopping, now, irrespective of the credit card balance.’

q Do not say: ‘You’re a slob who doesn’t love me.’ Rather, explain to him: ‘Put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket and your dirty dishes in the dishwasher 90% of the time, and tell me you love me three times each week, or I am going shopping, now, irrespective of the credit card balance.’

The identities of the NASA scientists working on the ‘Eve’ discovery were a closely guarded secret, but the team names were revealed to LushForLife.com by a contact at JPMorgan Chase Bank in Bangalore.

L4L contacted the men and all reported that, since the discovery, they have paid off all credit card debt, seen record gains in their credit report scores, and had more blowjobs than most men have in a lifetime.

Their lives are now almost completely problem-free, apart from ceaseless calls from Bangalore telemarketers, obsessively offering them new credit cards, and friends who pester them for the classified secret of plentiful oral sex.

“

“LORETO, PERU – The main cause of the continuing destruction of the world’s rainforests was discovered, Monday, by an outraged Pennsylvania State University student.

PSU student Parker Ramis stumbled across his jaw-dropping discovery while engaged in the middle of solving an algebraic equation. “”I had reached my fifth sheet of paper, and still had more than half of the problem to go,”" Ramis said to former NFL quarterback and newly acquired LushForLife.com correspondent Rob Johnson. “”It was a complex, convoluted problem my professor assigned to me for kicks. In the middle of it, I realized how many trees where cut down so we could solve these problems. I literally broke into tears…”"

Ramis’ discovery was cross-referenced with scientists at the Rainforest Conservation Fund, located in Loreto, Peru, as well as shipping records from the South American region to major universities throughout the United States.

“”I’d say half the trees that are removed from here go towards mathematics students,”" Harold Zidler, a volunteer at the RCF, said. “”Our studies reflect that most people go through their first tree by the age of 9 or 10 – or whenever long division comes into the equation. Pun not intended,”" Zidler joked. “”Those at fault are mainly students who enter graduate schools – because they tend to use far more paper to solve their problems than anyone else. About twice as much as the average undergraduate – who goes through three acres of trees himself.”"

The epidemic that continues to grow seems to have no end in sight, according to Zidler.

’You could use calculators and computers,’ he said, ‘but most of these upper level teachers are old-school purists, and require their students to write it out.’

Upon further investigation by LushForLife.com reporters on various university campuses around the nation, many examples of Ramis’ and Zidler’s suspicions continued to arise.

’We receive shipments of trees, direct from the Amazon, three times a week,’ University of Illinois Administrator Dennis Haskins said to Arthur Rocks. ‘Both ourselves and other schools throughout the country have established a multi-billion dollar account with various shipping companies,’ Haskins said as he deliberately gave himself paper cuts by slicing his forearm with a copy of UI’s UPS contract. ‘Our orders shift the market more than anyone else. As a unit, we receive more paper than Starbucks does coffee beans. We give Xerox a hard-on.’

Following university investigation, LushForLife.com staff approached Gallup for any information they may have regarding the over-usage of paper by upper-level mathematics students.

According to a Gallup poll, which was conducted in December 2004 (but whose results were never released due to the drastic effect the numbers would have on world economy), the average student who graduates high school has wasted over 100 acres of trees in their lives; a two-year degree grad goes through 200 acres; a student who completes a four-year degree compiles over 500 acres; and graduate level and above vary from 1000 to 5000 acres of trees per student, depending on the primary area of study.

The most wasteful students were Accounting majors and majors in Business Administration. The most conserving weren’t students at all; they were restaurant line cooks.

It appears the newly discovered information has prompted a large number of vegan tree-huggers and displaced hippies to drop out of school and get jobs in a kitchen wherever they can.

“

“WASHINGTON – Badly Photoshop‘d photographs have been appearing everywhere, lately, from the Israel/Lebanon debacle to Katie Couric’s fat chipmunk cheeks. Blame is being doled out to many, including hackers for making the usually expensive Photoshop program free for all, and to bored politicos trying to make disasters and wars seem better or worse.

Even high-profile celebriticians are getting in on the fun. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Twin-cum-Governor of California, was recently exposed as he Photoshop‘d his wife, Maria Shriver, to look much prettier than she actually is. He replaced some wedding photos around the house with the doctored pics, but was caught because he accidentally used a black man’s body to replace hers. Said Schwarzenegger:

“”I am to apologize to my wife, my family, and my God for these atrocities which I have set forth against humanity. As penance, I will hang myself from the highest tree in the Redwood Forest.”"

Being a politician, he did not come through with his word and was last seen playing golf in drag for a junior midget team.

Much more sinister doctoring has been done, though, as Karl Rove was caught ‘touching up’ a picture of a limbless victim of friendly fire in Iraq. He replaced the soldier with a happy clown, proclaiming that Bush’s plan for the invasion of Iraq was ‘damn well worth it,’ as it brought smiles to the faces of many war-torn homes.

Dubbed ‘BozoGate,’ President George ‘Dubya’ Bush is defending his corrupt compatriot. ‘Rovey, now, Rovey is a good? good guy. He has the, uh, best of intentions, and as the old proverb goes: ‘an ounce of good intention is worth a ton of good deeds’.’

And it doesn’t stop there.

Between-jobs actor Tom Cruise is trying to find work, again, by passing out Photoshop’d pictures of his face on the head of an erect penis as his new headshot. When he was caught by Hollywood casting agency Meyers, Myers, and Meiers, he claimed that it was, indeed, a true photo of his inner being. Once one reached Thetan level six, apparently, their body morphs into a penis to sexually satisfy Xenu, the gigantic, sexually starved super-God entity.

LushForLife.com has stayed in the clear, however, as we only use film to photograph our images, proving absolutely zero of them to be the manipulations of a warped, ratings-hungry media giant.

“

“PRAGUE – In a shocking announcement, Thursday, the International Astronomical Union demoted the ninth planet, Pluto, to the lowly status of “”dwarf planet”". For 76 years, the small chunk of rock and ice with the wobbly orbit was part of the prestigious planetary club, but has now been knocked from it’s dizzying heights and dropped to a second class citizen of the solar system. Besides the slap in the face to all life forms who may or may not live on the lonely asteroid, the demotion has sent waves of anger and horror throughout more than one lamenting community.

At the top of the list of mourners is the Walt Disney Company. Disney filed legal action early Friday morning against the International Astronomical Union, demanding the reinstatement of the planetary status of the celestial body Mickey and Minnie’s beloved pet was named for. Disney is claiming copyright infringement against the IAU, saying they are dragging the name of a beloved icon through the mud. And if there is one thing you should never do is take on Disney in a copyright battle, but Disney is not the only organization initiating legal action against the AIU.

Both the Little People of America (LPA), a nonprofit organization that provides support and information to people of short stature and their families, and the Olympians of North America (ONA) are seeking an injunction to halt the demotion of Pluto. The LPA’s lawsuit will focus on the term “”dwarf planet”", which they believe is derogatory and offensive to other small planets. The injunction will attempt to have the astrological phrase changed to “”little planet”" and seek punitive damages in excess of 2.5 million dollars. The other suit, People vs The AIU, is being filed by the ACLU, representing the Olympians of North America. The ONA is a non-tax-exempt religious organization that worships Roman gods and goddesses. ACLU spokesperson Ana S. Shat said yesterday in a press conference, “”This is exactly the kind of thoughtlessness that we have come to expect from Christian dominated organizations everywhere. These people make decisions that affect people with beliefs that are just as legitimate and kooky as Christianity and someone needs to stand up for them.”"

Though the controversy rages, not everyone is upset about the new status of Pluto. Hollywood superstar and stereotypical African-American Eddie Murphy said Friday, “”Man, I am glad that bitch is getting renamed. Every-time people hear dat name they think about Pluto Nash, and MAN, I don’t want anyone thinking about that movie. With that mutherfucka gone, maybe I can finally get my career back!”" Planet X Spokesperson and full time conspiracy theorist C. Carl Kent told LushForLife.com in a telephone interview, “”This is simply wonderful news. With that little piece of crap finally out of the way, now is the time for people to start thinking about Planet X as a viable alternative. We’ve been waiting in the wings for years for this opportunity to pounce and now the time is nigh! Look out universe, here we come!”"

“

“LOS ANGELES – In a ground breaking doctoral thesis, UCLA PhD Student Alex Moore claims he and fellow researchers have discovered a living relative of modern humans. Dubbed Homo-Hauliris by the team of Moore, two of his professors, and three Master’s students, the “”living fossil”" may be the single most significant scientific discovery of the millennium.

Our Homo-Hauliris cousins are, apparently, slightly larger around the waist, have a smaller brain, and sport enlarged forearms and lesser-evolved moral and ethical reasoning. Moore and his team assert that most of these individuals operate as tow-truck drivers or owners of impound lots.

“”We are all very excited about this find,”" Moore exclaimed to reporters in a press conference early Monday morning. ‘This could rewrite our ideas about human evolution.’ Moore, an anthropology doctoral candidate, has been working on his thesis for two years and has amassed thousands of DNA samples backing up his claims. ‘Our findings are startling,’ continued Moore, ‘We have discovered a small population living along side our own, seemingly identical to modern humans, but with a few important distinctions.’ The team then proceeded to show a slide show of many modern Homo-Haulirises.

The images were extremely convincing. The Haulirises were all badly dressed and dirty, showing their struggle to understand fashion due to their underdeveloped brains; most of the specimens exhibited a distinct lack of teeth caused, according to Moore, by a gene that makes Homo-Hauliris incapable of personal hygiene and unable to avoid greasy, disgusting foods with massive quantities of High-fructose corn syrup.

When asked how Moore first became suspicious that the tow-truck industry was overrun with lower forms of human life, he responded, ‘Well, my girlfriend’s car was towed outside of my house one Saturday night for no apparent reason. She was working the next day, so I volunteered my Sunday to go pick up her car on the other side of town. When I got there, the lot was closed, but a posted telephone number connected me with a rude, obnoxious ape-creature, who explained that it was God’s day, and I would have to pay $30 (on top of the $190 fee to get the car back) if I wanted one of her bottom dwellers to skip church and come and open the lot. When the mouth breathing, hairy-knuckled monster finally arrived, it informed me in broken English that I could not get the car with out the owner faxing over a release. I said that this wasn’t a problem and would get the release faxed over immediately. However, I was then told that the office (which we were standing in) was closed on Sundays and I would have to come back tomorrow, with an extra $30 for housing the car overnight. I then proceeded to hit the beast with a tire wrench four or five times before he began tap-dancing on my trachea. In disbelief over the stupidity of the situation, I analyzed the blood on the wrench back at my lab, and the rest is history.’

The Christian Right has come out strongly against the research, with top Christian leaders Jerry Falwell and Pat Robinson both making statements, Tuesday, claiming the research is fraudulent and then began beating the rotting corpse of the dead horse of creationism. Liberal commentators have pointed out that their opinion may be extremely biased, as many of their congregations are made up of tow truck drivers and impound lot owners.

“

“Scientist Hwang Woo-suk denied, Tuesday, that he had spent research funds for personal use and said part of the money was used in attempts to clone mammoths, extinct relatives of today’s elephants.

In a news conference held inside the atrium of the brand new elephant exhibit within the cavernous halls of the 2 million dollar D`uk-Wa-Phat-Dan-Qeoui Building (English translation: “”The Massive and Beautiful Smell of Elephant Shit Building”"), a plethora of reporters clung to every one of the scientist’s word. At least, to the words they could understand.

“”Not a single penny was spent for personal use,”"; Hwang cried out from behind the pulpit, emphatically banging his 24-karat, canary yellow, diamond tipped cane on the microphone. When questioned about the legitimacy of his well-reported wealth and whether or not it might make people unsympathetic to his cause, Hwang responded, “”Did you hear what I said? I can clone a mammoth. A mammoth, motherfucker.”"

Hwang was indicted in May for allegedly accepting 2 billion won (US $2.1 million) in private donations based on the findings of later reportedly falsified research and embezzling about 800 million won ($850,000) in private and government research funds. His penalty could be up to 3 years in prison.

Some of the research funds were used on housing for his researchers, gifts and tours for visiting foreign scholars, and meals for government officials, Hwang said, which he claimed were “part of research activities in the general sense.’ Dr. Andrea Callow, the head researcher at Yale University’s stem-cell research center, visited last year. Of her trip to Seoul, Hwang remarked, ‘My friend Steve said she had a great pair. She visited us. And I researched it.’ When asked his findings, Hwang reported, ‘Mmmmm.’

Once looked upon as a national treasure, Mr. Woo-suk has been fired from his job at the country’s top school, Seoul National University, and the government is stripping him of his state honors. It is a sad ending for a man who is widely considered one of the most brilliant researchers of his time. A cloud of shame hangs over his head as South Koreans everywhere ask that age old question, how much Woo could a Woo-suk suk, if a Woo-suk could suk Woo.

“

“I get my top secret NASA files and head into the meeting room. I crack the seal to the folder and take my first look for the meaning of the trip.

It seems that Ireland wants to create an Irish International Space Association (IISA). This must be why LushForLife.com sent me, as I am the only Irishman with a link to NASA.

“”Gents, you all know why you are here,”" the announcer began. “”Let’s get started. As you know, this has been on the racks for some time. I will turn the floor over to the lead of the research department, Colin O’Brien.”"

Colin O’Brien approached the podium and began. “”We finally got the word back on the cost of the project, and the Chinese have agreed on a price. The numbers show that the average person is set to save an average of seven thousand American dollars for our American friend.”"

I ask if he means the donators.

‘No, the people going on the trip,’ the man said with a drunken delight.

I thought I would have to read more into the folder and the research, but it would not be so.

’Gentlemen, as you know, the land has been looking for a way to save money on yearly expenses. The yearly report says that the average Irish household spends nineteen thousand Euros on alcohol per anum.’

That’s $24,190.80 in good old American Dollars, on an average of only $38,000 in household income. It’s good to see a nation with priorities.

The meeting went downhill from there, as a drunken Irish man described how after three months of research, they are now ready to start construction on the space program.

’We already have the leftover ‘space stuff’ from the failed space program of the South African People.’ This should be good, I thought, as the man smiled my way. ‘We even brought over a good American to show us the way to get to plan off the ground. He is from NASA and he will be here for the week to help us.’

One week? the American space program took years and they want to start and finish in a week.

’The plan is simple,’ the man said, and then paused for a sip of Irish coffee. ‘We will send people into space. ‘

Easy enough, I thought. A pretty basic plan? What more could a person want? The Irish will only have to spend eight thousand on a yearly pass for the trip. They will travel out of the atmosphere and for one half of an hour and be able to drink. ‘Since our studies show that you only need to drink a fraction of what you need on land, the average person will gladly pay the price. The alcohol, on the other hand, will be the same price it is on land. I will now turn it over to a doctor.’

It was announced that the doctor was named O’Hare as he neared the microphone. ‘Thank you, sir. It is true. I am a doctor, and I have done some research. Since the atmosphere in space is nonexistent, the alcohol will pass through the body at an accelerated rate. What does this mean to any non-doctor? Simple: the body will get more alcohol with less drinking involved. That means that the body, or the person, will achieve a drunker state faster, and that’s less money that the person would have to spend.’

He held for applause as I laughed. The meeting ended on the note that the Irish nation will be morally upheld and the standard will generally improve. By having more time to do other things, the typical Irish man will be able to return home drunk after his sojourn in space. Having a space program only to save money on your drinking will improve your nation.

The good news and final word from the IISA is that the program has been dismissed, as it seems that the gasoline that was used to ignite the only spacecraft cause the first and last IISA disaster. Not to say the idea was a disaster from the start?

“

“BERKLEY, CA – AIDS research scientists have made a new discovery in the origin of AIDS and the HIV virus. After extensive research, scientists have come to the conclusion that AIDS was put into animals by God to punish vegetarians for having mature, adult love for animals; and, of course, for being gay.

This is what one of the random scientists had to say:

“”Its no secret that all vegetarians are gay by default. This means that when a vegetarian makes the conscious decision to stop consuming meat, they are also making the conscious decision to have someone of the same sex stick their penis in their ass and/or stick their penis in the ass of someone else of the same sex. Lesbians don’t count, because lesbians are hot.

“”It gets much worse, however. After a few months of being a vegetarian, a vegetarian decides that they ‘love’ animals, and then someone says, ‘Well, if you love animals so much, why don’t you marry an animal?’ Naturally, the vegetarian has no other choice than to marry the animal that used to be their favorite meat. For instance, if their favorite meat was bacon, they marry a pig. In order to make the marriage legally binding, they must consummate the marriage. So, they fuck the pig or cow or whatever the fuck animal they marry. After a couple of years of fucking cows and pigs and chickens and shit, the vegetarian will become bored with the relationship and start fucking people again, on the side.

’When God found out about this, he got really pissed off and invented AIDS, and put it into every animal’s sexual fluids, so that he could kill ‘pig fucking fags’.

’In short, if you don’t want to get AIDS, don’t become a vegetarian, because if you do, you will start having gay sex and fucking farm animals and God will kill you with AIDS.’

Well, there you have it: finally, a legitimate reason for why AIDS exists and how we can prevent it.

“

“STANFORD, CA – In a landmark study released, today, in the scientific journal Neuron, scientists announced the discovery of the gene responsible for Down’s syndrome.

People with Down’s syndrome have three copies of chromosome 21, instead of the normal two – this is called “”trisomy 21″”.

LushForLife.com‘s own hung-over, recovering addict Senior Staff Writer Danny Albertson flew in to California from Switzerland, where he was weekending at a detoxification spa in the Alps. There, he interviewed Lab Technician Shannon Crowly, who explained the process of deterioration that takes place in people with trisomy 21.

Crowly said, “”Many people with Down’s syndrome go on to develop dementia, similar to early-onset Alzheimer’s disease, by the age of 40.

“”In both Down’s syndrome and this form of Alzheimer’s, brain cells, or neurons, responsible for learning, memory, and attention, wither and die.”"

He went on to discuss the next phase of their research saying, ‘Much like mental problems, such as Schizophrenia, this trisomy 21 can lay latent, not affecting the mind of the patient. Again, like Schizophrenia, the disease can be triggered by certain elements. In Schizophrenia’s case, ingesting heavy hallucinogens, such as LSD, can fire an otherwise latent cycle. In trisomy 21’s case, the triggers are much more common in modern American culture.

In closely controlled and monitored lab experiments, patients were exposed to a variety of stimuli. The patients, exposed to light beer, NASCAR, Major League Baseball, and McDonald’s French Fries, almost unilaterally developed a self-perpetuating catatonic state that closely resembled patients with Down’s syndrome. Everything, from their everyday habits to physical stature, begins to resemble the classic examples of people born with advanced Down’s syndrome. That is to say that they all look like retards. You know, like Corky from that show ‘Life Goes On’.’

LushForLife.com’s creator and CEO Duncan Idaho, who was taking a break from the high stress world of professional yacht racing and drug smuggling, happened to be in the UK watching the West Indian Cricket team play a five day test, interviewed Westham Institute of Technology’s Director of Neuroscience, Forman Whembly, who is conducting research on British subjects with similar genetic markers.

Whembly said, ‘Unfortunately, our research is not going as well. It seems that when subjects are exposed to football, cricket, Bass ale and BBC programming, the growth of trisomy 21 is retarded, rather than the subject himself.’

“

“CUPERTINO, CA – In a press release, Wednesday, CEO of Apple Computers Steve Jobs revealed his company’s plans on implementing the real voices of several adored and beloved celebrities into the newest update of the Mac OS X Tiger operating system.

The update will feature several modifications and upgrades, including a collection of famous voices that you can designate certain tasks and duties. The buzz in underground, tech-geek circles continue to grow as more and more leaks about the update continue to surface.

“”I loaded my browser on my iBook to check my email, and I was greeted by James Woods,”" Apple customer and web designer Albert Clifford said. “”I logged into my Hotmail account, and my computer said: ‘Hi, this is James Woods, and I’m going to read you your email. New message: Hot Asian Cum Ass Fetish Pussy…’”"

All of the voices used are, reportedly, the real voices of the celebrities, with hundreds of thousands of varying vocal patterns, levels, lisps, accents, and tones for each recorded voice subject – which the operating system will use in a selective process to pull the different vocal samples from the database to piece together new and authentic sounding word combinations and sentence structures.

The recording process began in 2001, with actor/director Clint Eastwood as the initial voice subject, and is finally scheduled to wrap up by the end of the summer, with former baseball player Jose Canseco. Over the last five years, between Eastwood and Canseco, programmers at Apple have recorded billions of hours of voice recordings of over one thousand celebrities. Since every person willing to be a voice in the new operating system had to recite every word in the English language multiple times, the process was grueling for both the developers and the celebrities.

’I think I’ve perfected the word pussy,’ actor Robert Downey, Jr. told LushForLife.com correspondent Porcious Crank during an all-night coke and methamphetamine binge. ‘They made me say it, like, ten thousand times.’

Celebrity voices on the Tiger update include Woods, Eastwood, Downey, Jr., Samuel L. Jackson, Tom Berenger, Johnny Depp (as Raoul Duke), and Charlton Heston. Some of the celebrities had specific requirements for their recordings.

’I would only do it if I could be the Good Doctor,’ actor Johnny Depp told close friend and LushForLife.com correspondent Arthur Rocks, referring to his role as Raoul Duke in Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas.

’I thought recording The Bible was difficult,’ Charlton Heston said in an exclusive joint interview between LushForLifeTV and The 700 Club. Heston had to excuse himself from the interview after experiencing chest pains and heart complications, presumably from the large amounts of blow he was ingesting along with Duncan Idaho and Pat Roberson as they all engaged in a competition to see who could recite more of the Book of Galatians from memory.

Some added features the update will flaunt will be a Quentin Tarantino ‘useless-fact-of-the-day’ widget, a Dennis Hopper (from Apocalypse Now) alarm clock, and a ‘metaphysical guide’ widget featuring former baseball player Darren Dalton.

With this most recent development, Apple once again proves they are full strides ahead of their competitors and true trendsetters in the technology field.

t”