This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. With announcements for three new phones from Sony, a new HTC Android device, four fantastic looking entries from Nokia and enough iPhone 3 rumors to fill a million bogs, picking the most interesting offering to write about has been tough. That is until Canadian market giant Research in Motion entered the fray with six new creations, including the new and highly controversial “Crackberry” line.

The Crackberry will reportedly come in two versions, Crackberry Standard and Crackberry Pro. The Pro edition will allow users to send and receive 256bit encrypted text messages, include a police band radio scanner, and utilize a sensitive scale, built in under the display, in conjunction with a custom app called “Big 8”. Other apps only available for the Pro edition will include “Blow up”, a tool for working out lidocaine-to-product ratios, “Bomb squad” a collaboration tool for street team management, and a new client management app simply called “Cluck”. All this on as well as some of the more familiar tools such as Wireless email, a media player and corporate data access.

“The Crackberry line of products was my idea,” proudly reported Co-CEO and Director James “Big Jim” Balsillie, in a press conference Thursday. “People have been using the term for so long now, that I figured, what hey, eh,” continued Balsilie, referring to the term coined to indicate how many Blackberry users are “addicted” to their phones. “And then it hit me, why not capitalize on that. I mean people gotta have what they gotta have, right…eh?” Balsillie, a famed philanthropist, athlete, Honorary Chair of the Peterborough YMCA’s Building New Memories Campaign and the ninth-richest person in Canada, is North America’s leading advocate for the legalization of Crack Cocaine (and a huge crack-head himself.)

The Crackberry Standard model will feature similar innovative features, such as a specially designed touch screen that will compensate for badly shaking hands, a special, fork-like prong near the USB port for scratching and a GPS receiver that will notify the user of any Crackberry Pro carriers in the area. Some have tech insiders have however criticized the device due to its lack of expandable memory and limited MIDI ring tones, but many users have cited the integration with BlackBerry® Enterprise Server for Novell® GroupWise® as more than enough to compensate for some of the shortfalls.
This reporter was fortunate enough to be allowed to interview one of RIM’s test users for the Standard edition. “Man, da Stan-ded may be spec-ed likes da Bold fo sho, but dis one’s fo` da ages,” said Martha Livengood, a happily married mother of three in Debuque, Iowa. “Shorties gosta be at da game, transpo`tin all da time, yo. Feels, you know, like fiddy pa-cent my time I’s cooking (and aint da good kind’o cooking ya feel?) cleanin’ n mo’ transpo`tin. Dat Stan-did man, yo, dat kinda time sava save my time, en help make sho’ I don’t do no time, feel?”

The four models being lost in the hubbub over the Crackberry are the Blackberry Onyx, Magnum, Pearl 3G and Gemini, however RIM’s stock was still up over 4.2% after the bell Friday.

WASHINGTON – The vulnerabilities of the United States Government’s computer assets were thrown into the spotlight this week as concerns in and around the beltway began to grow with the surprising announcement that the Chinese People’s Liberation Army, or PLA, had hacked into a network affiliated with the office of Secretary of Defense Robert Gates last June. While the network reportedly only contained unclassified information, officials acknowledged that employees sometimes break protocol and accidentally send classified information over unclassified networks such as the one in question. This fact, in and of itself, is surprising because cyber security experts agree that organizations such as the PLA (and almost every other major government spy service) routinely monitor insecure communications from the US government. In any case, the network targeted in the attack had to be shut down for over a week so that the threat could be diagnosed and countered.
Shortly after the announcement regarding Secretary Gates’ network, Lush For Life investigative reporters learned that an even more high-profile target had been breached long beforehand. While the National Security Agency, the organization seemingly in charge of this country’s information warfare, tried desperately to keep it under wraps, concerned officials decided they could no longer keep such an explosive issue secret: a specially convened government taskforce has now confirmed that the cybernetic brain of Vice President Dick Cheney has been hacked into and reprogrammed by the PLA.
While severe degradation to the circuitry since the attack has made the initial attack on the brain increasingly difficult to recognize, most experts now concur that the hack probably first breached security on February 11, 2006. Evidence has emerged showing the attack severely affected the balance functions of the brain at the moment Cheney fired his hunting rifle, causing the shot to veer considerably off-target, resulting in an injury to friend Harry Whittington. The press corps, at the time, assumed Cheney’s aloofness after the incident was a result of his lack of respect for President Bush. However, the hacking is the real reason that the Vice President would, seemingly randomly, spout off revolutionary passages from Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book.
Even though security experts were able to neutralize that invasion somewhat rapidly, the complexity of Cheney’s neural networks left open the possibility for further hacking. Many officials with access to certain information now believe that the Vice President has been compromised again, and that this invasion is much more potent, explaining why no one has seen or heard from Cheney in quite some time.
While officials refused to give specifics, here are some of the things to watch out for in Cheney’s behavior that could signal a fresh invasion:
• Sudden acts of kindness and, in general, compassion for another human being.
• Inability to maintain a grimace on his face.
• A genuine understanding of reality.
• Control over his temper and language on the floor of the Senate.

Based upon these facts, Lush For Life is certain that, during most of the Vice President’s term in office, he was unaffected by PLA hackers. However, that could easily change, so constant vigilance in both the government and public at large must be maintained.

CUPERTINO, CA – It’s here! The iPhone has hit the shelves like a heroin-starved junkie hitting a methadone buffet. The Mac addicts are out in force, lining up in front of Apple stores all around the country, scaring women and children with their long hair, freethinking ideas, and dorky t-shirts. Lush For Life, being an Apple-only organization, was eager to get our hands on one of the highly anticipated smart phones, and succeeded (read our review on page X), but also to find out what really makes the iPhone so special.
Continue Reading

LYNCHBURG, VA – With the discovery of the Microraptor gui, archeologists have attempted to fill in another evolutionary gap. But the excitement surrounding the world of paleontology has come crashing to a halt. Dr. Henry Rachling, a professor at Liberty University, has made a critical discovery.
After years of investigation, Dr. Rachling has discovered a vast network of scientists with the primary function of fabricating fossil matter. Rachling claims that this group goes under the covert title, “The Organization for the Furtherment of David Hasselhoff’s Music.” Rachling says that the group has members throughout the world, although there is a dense concentration of these people in Germany. The professor also insists that these scientists are funded by the “secular left.” Continue Reading

A near-disaster in Tampa’s medical community has ended happily.

Several months ago, Tampa Bay nearly lost one of its orthopedic specialists. Dr. J. C. Marcus Asgard III, was having a slightly heated discussion with his wife one morning, when she uttered the fatal words, “Marcus, you’re not God, you know!”

Dr. Asgard was so badly affected by this brutal attack that his eyes glazed over, he swayed, and then collapsed. When his wife could not find his pulse, she dialed 911. Luckily, an ambulance reach the house in record time, and paramedics were able to save the doctor. Continue Reading

DETROIT – The H2 Hummer emits 3.5 metric tons of carbon per year (about the equivalent of two cars) and gets a whopping ten miles to the gallon.

On the bright side, the H2’s gross weight is over 8,500 lbs., which means that the US government does not require it to meet federal fuel efficiency regulations. Additionally, the government tax incentives for buying a Hummer vastly outweigh even those for buying an electric car (although GM killed their EV1 years ago). Continue Reading

“TOKYO – With the arrival of the 2006 holiday season, digital imaging manufacturers are joining together to make sure their customers are able to capture all of their memories without issue.

In a recent announcement made by Sony, a secret team of highly-skilled Japanese technicians displayed their poor communication skills while delivering the announcement of the new “”super pixel”" that will be used in all digital cameras sold this holiday season and in the future. The newly designed pixel is sure to be a significant upgrade to the former mega pixel, according to Sony technician Yurigawa Kurasakanuraura.

“”Mega pixels have been highly overrated in the past,”" Kurasakanuraura said to Lush For Life correspondent Porcious Crank. “”Those pixels had unstable demeanors, were slow-performing, and unreliable. How can you seriously trust your digitally-encoded memories to a pixel that suffers from overwhelming anxiety, not to mention a nasty bipolar disorder?”" Kurasakanuraura asked.

The new super pixel will boast much high performance ratings for consumers who focus on capturing “”regular pictures,”" according to a Sony press release. Though most professionals currently using cameras that operate on old pixels may not notice a difference with the new super variety, consumer level novices will see a significant change.

“”Super pixels are simply faster at what they do,”" Fujifilm representative James McEwen said. “”Most people aren’t aware of all the struggles and wear and tear pixels have to go through to capture their pictures.

“”Let’s say you’re in Prague with your family and want to take a photo,”" McEwen explained, “”When you take that picture, a bunch of pixels have to run together all at once while they hold each other’s hands tightly with their eyes closed. Sometimes it takes awhile for those little bastards to hurry up and get there in time,”" McEwen stated. ‘We noticed that the strain of having to run all over the world – following families on their vacations – was becoming too much for mega pixels to handle. The super pixel is so much faster and more reliable.’

Sony technicians concurred with McEwen, explaining that they witnessed several mega pixels lagging behind in a laboratory-conducted simulation of the type of ‘regular pictures’ that occur while consumers are vacationing. The most common failure was seeing old pixels – which appeared to have developed a combination of some digital mutation of arthritis and osteoporosis – dragging behind other healthy pixels with a noticeable limp. According to Kurasakanurura, if all pixels are not present, then the photograph cannot be captured.

’This is why you experience that delay when you press the button,’ Kurasakanuraura said. ‘When all pixels develop this disease, then more often than not the camera dies.’

Developing digitally mutated muscle and bone disorders has not been the only malfunction of mega pixels. After receiving multiple customer complaints from vacationers traveling through Europe, Sony technicians constructed a simulated environment in their laboratory resembling a German pub. Technicians witnessed several pixels sitting around drinking alcohol and chasing skirts while they were supposed to be assembling together for family photographs.

’Mega pixels have become not only injured in their old age, they’ve also become lazy and apathetic,’ McEwen said.

’I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to capture a picture of a pet animal dressed in a Santa hat,’ one mega pixel said on the condition of anonymity to Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks. ‘And if I have to do all this goddamn hard work for another friggin’ sunset picture I’m going to kill someone,’ the pixel said, and abruptly had to leave after being summoned for a picture taking session of a Mexican wearing a hardhat on a roof with his lawnmower and his sixteen coworkers.

According to Fujifilm, all new super pixels will boast a superhero costume when they arrive on the scene to capture various digital photographs, according to Kurasakanuraura. They have been genetically enhanced to avoid mood swings, attitude problems, and drinking disorders. Both Sony and Fujifilm representatives assure that all cameras sold during this holiday season will contain super pixels with Santa hats and a sleigh of reindeer to assure they arrive on time to capture all of those rosy Christmas memories.

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“OXFORD, UK – Two new discoveries have been made deep in the oak forests of England. Number one: there are no more oak forests. Number two: there is new evidence to suggest that even 5000 years ago, the world had to deal with lawyers.

The discovery was made during an archaeological dig near the City of Oxford. The scientists uncovered a shrunken, wizened-looking skeleton that had what the experts are calling a “”crone”"-like posture. The find has been dated to 3000 years B.C. The cause of death was easy to ascertain due to the large knife that stuck out of the skeleton’s rib cage. The skeletal structure is unusual, but it’s the stone tablet stuffed into the skeletons’ mouth that has really caused a stir in academic circles.

The linguistics department at Oxford University has been studying the previously unknown writing that was found on the stone tablet. After an exhaustive study taking many years, the head of linguistics, Professor Martin Moriarty, claims to have cracked the mystery language.

Lush For Life had the chance to interview the professor at his ancient residence in St. John’s College, deep in the back streets of ancient Oxford.

’Good afternoon, Professor, please tell our readers how you came to crack this mystery language.’

’I am one of the few linguistic historians who are familiar with the writing of this period. At first I could not make heads or tails of it. The script looked like Bronze Age writing of the time but I could not translate it. It wasn’t until my son was arrested for growing cannabis in the back yard and the following endless court hearings that the answer came to me.’

’Excuse me professor, what came to you?’

’The reason that the writing was incompressible to me was that it was written by an ancient lawyer. From this perspective, it has been possible through years of study to decipher the meaning.’

’What does the tablet say?’

’It turns out that an ancient Briton called Ethelred the Short-Tempered had a disagreement with his next door neighbour about a new fence Ethelred put up in his front yard. The lawyers had been called in, and it seems that Ethelred did not take kindly to this crony, stuffing his mouth with the court summons after plunging his knife into his chest. We were also able to decipher the inscription on the hilt of the murder weapon.

’Count to ten before using this knife, dear. Lots of love, your wife, Mrs. Ethelred the Short-tempered. XOXO.’

To finish this report off I went to visit my old professor of anthropology, who has stayed off the Mexican hallucinogens long enough to publish a paper on the skeleton.

’This find will revolutionize our understanding of human evolution. Having seen the skeleton of the ancient lawyer, I propose that this is evidence of a new branch of human evolution. Notice the elongated fingers, the hunched posture, and enlarged voice box – all the hallmarks of a modern lawyer. The next stage in my research calls for a nationwide genetic study of all lawyers to see how genetically different from the rest of the population they have become.’

I asked the resident Lush For Life team of lawyers if they would be willing to take part in the genetic study; after poking me with their bony fingers they told me to fuck off and then issued me with a restraining order. Bloody lawyers?

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LONDON – America is too often labeled the warmonger, the aggressor, and the arms dealer. Guns and apple pie are what America is all about, after all. What some of you may not know is that Britain is also a big fan of things that go bang.

For the past couple of decades, there has only been one year when weapons and weapons systems were not our number one export. Do you remember that British band Oasis? The year they went global was the year music was Britain’s biggest export. After that little Brit-Pop blip, it has been business as usual ever since. Like all other Arms manufacturers in America, Israel, and little old Britain, business has been booming since 9/11. There is nothing like a long and contracted war that has no conceivable or definitive end to keep the arms dealers and manufacturers happy.

Even when business is this good, the British have to feel guilty about something. British Aerospace, or BAE Systems, the largest defense contractor in Britain with 14.8 Billion pounds Sterling in sales a year, has begun research into environmentally friendly missiles and ammunition. The current drive to be green has finally reached the arms manufacturers (the tea drinking British ones, anyway).

This LushForLife.com reporter, being an Englishman myself, took the opportunity to go and visit the research and development team who are at the forefront of the most stupidly ironic idea in history.

I had wanted to meet the head of the department, a Mr. Tim “Nitro” Tylor, but he was away on a shamanic retreat taking large quantities of ayahuasca. I spoke to the Chief of Operations instead who was very keen to explain his vision for the future of warfare.

”We already have plans to take the lead out of bullets and bullet casings, but we see that as just the beginning. We have a dream; we dream of a theatre of operations that is free from the smell of petrol. Free from the heavy metals and toxins that are destroying the Earth. We dream of mines that release fertilizer into the soil to prepare the ground for better crop yields after the armies of the green revolution have made the foolish unbelievers and enemies of Britain see the light and switch to biofuels. Missile casings of the future will be lined with photovoltaic cells that will power the Tomahawks of the future. The “Daisy Cutter Bomb” that has been used in Afghanistan could be fitted with daisy seeds that could replenish any cute flowers that were destroyed in the bomb blast, thereby counteracting any damage to the target countries’ carbon quota for the year.”

After laughing hysterically for about twenty minutes, I went home and had a cup of tea. I suppose this new perspective on weapons of mass destruction as eco-friendly is a step in the right direction, but then only if you lived in Never Never Land with Peter. It seems as though Britain and America will always need to prop up their economies with new weaponry, so they may as well be green about it.

Here at the LushForLife.com headquarters, we are always keen to put new technology through its paces, so we “borrowed” one of their new “Daisy cutter” bombs and dropped it on New Zealand (they never saw it coming). Sure enough, fields of beautiful daisies have sprung up over the bombsite that used to be the set for the Lord of the Rings movie.

“RALEIGH-DURHAM, NC – Did anyone ever tell you about the secret to Lucky Strikes‘ success? Back in the old days, before the Government had realized that the devil lurked inside the evil green weed known as marijuana, Lucky Strike Cigarettes were actually lucky. Once in while, you came across a “”special”" cigarette laced with prime Kentucky marijuana. I heard this story was an urban legend; a myth told to stoners from coast to coast.

My sources at the Centre for Healthy Smoking and YOU have informed LushForLife.com of a new sales technique to lure those pesky health conscious types who gave up smoking or were not cool enough to get hooked on American tobacco in the first place.

Mr. Carr-Cinogen, spokesperson for Lucky Strike Cigarettes, coughed and hacked up a statement that most of the media in the press conference could not make out, so we just read his draft of the speech, instead, while Mr. Carr-Cinogen smoked a cigar. What follows is an extract of the speech with stage direction as it was written:

“”My fellow Americans, we the supporters of tobacco farmers and higher medical insurance, greet you. It is our proud duty to announce that, beginning tomorrow, one cigarette in twenty will not contain tobacco. That one cigarette will be a ‘healthy’ cigarette, containing 0% nicotine. Our focus groups and highly advanced team of experts have tapped into the world’s view on cigarettes. We believe we have found what the world wants from it’s smoking experience… (pause for dramatic affect… look at the media with a tear in your eye).

“”They want a cigarette that does not kill them. They want to be able to get through the year without a hacking cough or chest infection. They want to be able to walk up the stairs with out puffing or panting. They want to make the most of their erections while they still have them. They want to remember the taste of food, again.

“”We at Lucky Strike are presenting to the smoking public a pack of cigs that kills you that little bit slower thanks to the one “”lucky”" cigarette with no tobacco in it. We see this as a bold new step in increasing the number of smokers around the world. Our new slogan will be “”Lets all die slowly; let’s kill ourselves together.”"

We at the LushForLife.com headquarters bought a pack of the new Lucky Strikes and used sniffer dogs to locate the so called “”healthy cigarette”", sending it straight to our onsite forensic lab that is light years ahead of anything you civilians have seen on CSI: Miami. Ten minutes and two commercial breaks later,the result of the “”healthy cigarettes’ came in. Floor sweepings from a Ku Klux Clan barn dance proved to be the main ingredient, combined with trace elements of horseshit. Our chief forensic scientist on our pay role said in his report:

“”Although the chemical components to the ‘healthy cigarettes’ are full of some seriously narrow-minded and smelly crap, it won’t kill you, unlike these other cancer sticks.”"

“