The Mitt Romney Codicil
Thou shalt not strap any living being, human or animal, on top of thy car for 12-hour road trips. Torture is reserved for the Vice President and the Attorney General and their minions.

“I would like to make it known to all of the God-fearing community in Heaven and on Earth that my career in the ministry is far from over,” Falwell said mass telepathic prayer early Sunday morning. “I plan on running for the unoccupied Godship position left vacant by our fallen King of kings and Lord of lords. I look forward to leading the whole Christian world into the remainder of eternity, and beyond.”
“My first act, if elected, will be to change the perception of Sunday as the official day of rest for the Christian community,” Falwell said. “Sunday was the day that He rested; I have no plans of resting anymore. Sunday will now be the official day to spew hatred towards minorities, gays, pro choicers, or anyone else who is not a white, conservative, heterosexual, practicing Southern Baptist.”
Falwell’s entrance into the election has caused a rekindled interest in winning the God position, and has found a number of other candidates in a scramble jockeying for religious and political position. It is unclear whether Falwell will attempt to seize a party nomination from an already appointed candidate, or if he will run on a different ticket. Catholic Party nominee Craig T. Nelson held a press conference Sunday afternoon strongly opposing Falwell’s late entry into the election, calling his intentions “ungodly and self-serving.” Some candidates, like Lutheran Party nominee Tom Snyder, have offered a sharply different opinion of Falwell. “Jerry poses a threat to those not willing to accept his majesty and commitment to performing the Lord’s good work. I would be pleased to have Jerry on board for my campaign,” Snyder said to Lush For Life correspondent Rob Johnson.
Due to Falwell’s popularity among Christian fundamentalists and Southern Baptists, and his years of using his ministry for political meddling, sources from Heaven feel that Falwell will be an unpredictable wild card in the election.
“Jerry has an intrinsic ability to use his beliefs to influence millions of unassuming and impressionable Christians,” Heaven resident and member of the Heaven Oversight Committee the Apostle Paul said to Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks. “His strong feelings against homosexuality and abortion hit close to home with a large number of the eligible electorate,” Paul said.
New facts surrounding Falwell gathered by Heaven insider and Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks just before press time indicate that his intentions on running for the vacant God position may prove to be more difficult than the late evangelist once imagined.
According to Obadiah, member of the Heaven Oversight Committee, an in-depth analysis of Falwell’s Christian files and dossier of good deeds conducted by Jesus and the Oversight Committee indicate that Falwell is not eligible to enter Heaven. An error in the processing of Falwell’s application allowed for his temporary admittance, according to Heaven’s gatekeeper Saint Peter. Falwell was, reportedly, forcefully ejected from his gold and silver constructed, diamond-lined villa overlooking downtown by Heaven enforcement officers, as well as members of Jesus’ personal secret service team following a violent outburst.
“Upon investigation of Mr. Falwell’s file, we have determined that even though he appeared to be a God-fearing Christian who invited me into his heart, he was actually a really bad, evil person,” Jesus said to Arthur Rocks. “His hatred towards large groups of people and his accusation that homosexuals and abortions caused the September 11th attacks ultimately have damned him to Hell for all eternity,” Jesus said.
The late evangelist’s banishment to Hell has caused the majority of his political supporters to turn their back and pull their campaign funding. The new resident of Hell has received a new supporter, however, in Purgatory figurehead and Hell Party candidate Satan, and has no plans of backing out of the election just yet.
“Due to my unforeseen and unfair banishment from Heaven, I plan on remaining in the election, but for the Hell Party, as Satan’s running mate,” Falwell said to Rob Johnson while playing a hand of canasta with Richard Nixon and James Brown from the seventh level of Hell. “Jesus will regret this – mark my words,” Falwell said. “Now he’s got two defectors on His hands, and we are itching to get back into those pearly gates.”
As a result, all of the funds accumulated by Falwell’s ministry have been seized by Jesus, and will be equally dispersed among all of the other God Election candidate’s campaign funds.

According to Barkley’s message, the committee has attempted to contact our staff for several weeks through varying forms of – what they call, mind you – miracles. When senior partner Duncan Idaho’s hallucinations of God following an intense sexual experience with an oversized man-frog occurred, we figured he’d simply lost his mind – not that the Committee was really attempting to contact us. But when Egbert finally got a date, after years of what he claims was an exercise in “religious abstinence,” and the woman who asked him out happened to be a disenchanted nun-turned-eccentric acid-dropping mystic, and spoke dirty to him in tongues, I began to think something was going wrong. Arthur, obviously, thought I had gone completely mad when I told him what I was thinking, responding with a simple, “You took too much.”

In reality, which is something that I’ve never claimed to be an expert, I was on to something. Duncan’s vision and Egbert’s date turned out to be a series of messages from the Holly Committee of God, who were desperate to go on record with us for the first time since the conclusion of the God Election ’05 – mainly because Heaven considers L4L to be the only reputable and reliable news outlet in the vast entirety of both the Pearly Gates, all the levels of purgatory, and the mound-like fuck rock Heaven residents call [expletive], and we call Earth.

Charles Barkley was indeed in dire need to go on the record. For some reason, he felt the best way to contact us was through the vessel of a drug-addicted mystic, using filthy sex jabber with Egbert. This could simply be Charles’ bizarre, inane sense of humor – or just yet another attempt to stake his claim as the most fucked-up individual to ever exist.

It turns out that Heaven has the most delicious empanadas that either Arthur or I have ever tasted. It seemed like a bizarre occurrence that the first thing Arthur and I see as we passed by Saint Peter – tossing him a Marlboro – through the Pearly Gates and into Everlasting Light, was Pontius Pilate, serving greasy, Jamaican empanadas from a rolling concession cart. The Christian consensus of Pilate was that he “walks the earth” for all eternity, but we can tell you from first hand experience that he is alive and well, flourishing in Heaven as an empanada vendor, bringing home an Earthly equivalent of six mules a week.

“I tell you, boys,” Pilate said, “everything I make here is all profit.” During our entire encounter with him, he continually refused to tell us where he actually got the empanada meat from.

“It’s between me and the Big Man,” he said as a demon slave he had chained to his ankle licked the pita bread of an empanada closed.

“That’s who we’re here to see,” Arthur told him. “We’re here to clean out the cobwebs, if you know what I mean.”

“I know exactly what you mean,” Pilate said, as he began to stroll away, “but you better be swift. This isn’t a place fit for the likes of the two of you.” He spouted something in Aramaic, kicking the demon dragging by the chain, as he slobbered all over the pile of empanadas he had stuffed in the women’s panties he was wearing.

We were escorted to Barkley’s quarters located on the outskirts of Promised Land by a pair of his personal homosexual Canaanite midget servants. His home was covered in diamond-studded gold walls and floors, with gallons of Old Crow bourbon flowing in streams throughout the home, as well as a ten-foot wide moat surrounding his decadent compound. Arthur decided to abandon the interview, stripping naked and diving into the moat of whiskey with a group of former Philadelphia 76ers Nigerian cheerleaders dressed as Arabic belly dancers.

“He better be careful,” Charles Barkley said as he emerged from his decadent lair. “Last time I did that those girls gave me warts and I shit rocks for a month.”

“Beats your commentary,” I said to him, hoping for a witty response. Let him do what he wants. “Why don’t you tell me why we’re here?”

The two of us staggered back into Barkley’s lair, where we sat and talked, drinking freshly made Mint Juleps, both of us with Nigerian cheerleaders draped on each of our arms, as Canaanite midgets brought us slivers of proscuitto and mozzarella laced insalata.

“I want to make a proposal to you guys, Danny,” Barkley said, leaning forward as he slapped a cheerleader on the breasts. “LushForLife deserves a seat on this committee.”

I was not quite sure if this weirdo was saying what I thought he was saying. “Are you kidding?”

“I’ve got full approval of both the Committee and all of the Heaven residents,” he said, reassuring me he wasn’t joking. “We’d really like to have one of you join the Committee, and well, become God, in a sense.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. These fucking wackos really have gone completely loony now – if they’re going to offer us a seat on this silly thing. I guess I was a bit honored that my colleagues and I are considered God Material – albeit considered one by these crazed, religious apes. Though flattered, I couldn’t help but remember the last thing that Pilate said to us. Better get out while we still can.

“No thanks, ‘Bama boy,” I told him as I shrugged the women off my arms and walked towards the door. “We feel a lot more comfortable down on the ole’ sweat rock, making fun of all you assholes.”

I had a half dozen or so of the midgets drag a drunken, comatose Arthur Rocks onto a stretcher and carry him out of the Barkley Compound and back towards the Pearly Gates. On the way out I grabbed a daily newspaper and saw some of the headlines: “New Holy Committee Sub-Committee to Host Gala in Honor of Committee Member Suze Orman,” and “Daily Mass Results,” and a magazine called “The Nicodemus Reader.”

What a truly bizarre place to want to spend all of eternity.

I met a young man who said that he would take me to meet with their preacher. Ever deeper we traveled into the marsh as I asked, “What does a preacher have to do with alligator attacks?”

“You’ll see,” the young gentleman said.

“You stand before me, under the good grace of god… seeking the Truth,” the preacher said. “The Truth is, Sodomites are wicked sinners before the Lord. They are worthy of death for their vile, depraved, and unnatural sex practices. Produced by their very presence in society is a kind of mass intoxication from their wine made from grapes of gall from the vine of Sodom and the fields of Gomorrah”

“I’m sorry?” I said in disbelief. I turned around to see a twelve-foot alligator in a Kentucky gentleman’s suit drinking a glass of lemonade.

“I wasn’t finished!” the southern alligator said in a calming, Kentucky drawl. “You came here to find out the truth… then listen! The vine of Sodom and the fields of Gomorrah, which poisons society’s mores with the poison of dragons and the cruel venom of asps, declare their sin and shame on their countenance. They are liars and murderers; filthy and lawless; natural brute beasts; dogs eating their own vomit; sows wallowing in their own feces, and must be pulled as faggots from the fire. They need to hear this truth if they are to have any hope of penitence, faith in Jesus Christ, and salvation.”

I couldn’t believe my eyes, but I had to maintain my composure. “I am sorry. I don’t understand… Are you saying that these attacks are a form of political protest? And are you holding a glass… How can you…?

“RAWWWWWWWWW! Politics!” the alligator screamed out. “The Word of God spreads much further than mere rhetoric of politics! As long as these hedonistic faggots are infecting our society, they will make the Lord our God more furious with this nation, and bring more wrath and punishment on this country.”

I replied to this awkward beast, “Does it not say in the Bible that we should not love our fellow man?”

“Don’t quote me scripture, son,” he said, “If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. That’s Leviticus 20:13.”

I soon realized that trying to reason with a twelve-foot gator was pointless and I was starting to wonder why and how he was able to talk, not mention the ability to hold a glass. “What is your name, sir?”

“I am the Reverend Isaac Chordata,” he said, “and don’t you damn misquote me, city boy, or you shall reap the scorching flames of hell-fire for all eternity.”

I was still having trouble understanding him. “What is your purpose in eating people? Do you feel that you will win over the masses?”

“We don’t eat to win people over, idiot. It’s to harden people’s hearts. Make them hate. Make them hate God even more than they already do. Our goal is to preach the Word of God to this crooked and perverse generation. By our Teeth, some will repent. By our Teeth, some will be condemned. Whether they hear, or whether they forbear, they will know a prophet has been among them. Our goal is to glorify God by declaring His whole counsel to everyone. We hope that by our eating, some will be saved.”

His speech was beginning to sound like the rhetoric he was so eager to earlier denounce. “So, by eating people, you are saving them? So, we must pray for their cursed souls, I suppose.”

His voice began to rise, but his cool, Southern demeanor remained unchanged. “America is doomed and cursed by God irreversibly; America is doomed and cursed by God irreversibly,” slurping the remainder of his lemonade. “Now if you would please excuse me, I am getting cold and need to sun my self. Good day, sir.”

“Is that fresh squeezed?”

“I said, ‘good day, sir’!” he screamed, followed by a series of strange alligator moans that I’ve never heard before.

On my trip back home as I kept running the interview in my mind, I prayed for the poor souls that were taken… and how the hell could he hold a glass without any thumbs? That’s really fucked up.

This is Chester Ringfield signing off from Swampwater, Florida.

If the report Rocks submitted is correct (which it most surely must be…A man like Mr. Rocks leads such a dreadfully demented life that his only joy comes from reporting only the facts…which is why he works for us.), Christ may find himself petitioning to The Holy Committee in the near future. Rocks’ report has Jesus engaged in an all night boozing, gambling, and womanizing kick, which started at the craps table, where Christ used divine intervention (and a pair of lucky titty-rubs from the prostitutes he was courting) to accumulate over $100,000 in winnings. Like all compulsive gamblers, Christ could not bring himself to walk away from the table, and eventually lost all of his winnings and ended up in the hole to the luxurious off-the-Strip Riviera Hotel and Casino to the sum of what is speculated to be in the hundreds of thousands of dollars.

After the Riviera rejected His attempt to pay His debts in blessings, Christ was forcefully ejected from the premises following a violent, drunken outburst. Hours later, Christ was found receiving oral sex in a back alley of a package store while He snorted cocaine off the breasts of an underage black prostitute.

It is unclear what the Holy Committee’s response will be to Christ’s recent debauchery in Las Vegas. Though no official meeting has commenced or statement released, some members of the committee offered to shed some light on the possible repercussions:

“I knew that once he received full reign of this place that he’d go hog wild,” committee member Craig T. Nelson said to LushForLife.com correspondent Porcious Crank. “It was a bad idea to let Him go to Vegas,” Nelson continued, “He’s always been a rebel, I guess. We should’ve known better.”

“There’s going to have to be a swift course of action,” Cabinet member Benny Hinn said. “We must send Him to the missions, or to solitary – to dwell and pray on what He’s done. Or maybe we’ll just force Him to make large contributions to my ministry.”

Hinn’s comical suggestion encouraged LushForLife.com to begin investigating how long this type of degenerate behavior of Christ has been occurring. The results found were quite eye opening.

Following an intense study of the financial records of the ministries of Benny Hinn, Joyce Meier, Billy Graham, and Jim Bakker, we found that over three hundred large-sum cash withdrawals were made spanning the last twenty-five years. It has been confirmed by inside contacts that these withdrawals were made to fund Jesus’ massive gambling and drug habit.

“The Lord is powerful, the Lord is plentiful, the Lord is palatable,” evangelist and Holy Cabinet member Joyce Meier said to her congregation. “He is all-knowing, loving, and forgiving…he’s just not all that good with money,” she said, “so please, give us a donation. Any gift can help.”

The recent discoveries of Jesus’ problems have led to a more clear understanding of how these evangelists, who have funded his degenerate behavior for decades, found themselves on the Holy Committee of God.

“Yeah, I would’ve blown the whistle on Him,” committee member Jim Bakker said. “I had to go to jail for what I did, why shouldn’t he?” Bakker asked, but then went on, “but once I got that appointment to the committee, I guess you could say I changed my mind.”

An official statement by the Holy Committee of God is expected to be released from Heaven within the next few weeks. Stay tuned to LushForLife.com for all the developing events.

The festival, which is called Ishtar (pronounced Easter in English), began in remembrance of the Babylonian god of vegetation and resurrection Tammuz, the only begotten son of Baal, the sun god. When Tammuz was slain by a wild pig, Semiramis proclaimed that a forty-day period of mourning was to be held, ending with the Spring equinox. During this time, no meat was to be eaten, and worshippers were to meditate on the sacred mysteries of Baal and Tammuz. They would make the sign of a “T” in front of their hearts, and ate little cakes with a cross or a “T” burned into them. Every year, on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the Spring equinox, a celebration was made.

And what a celebration it was. Local Albany resident and Sumerian church member, Polly Kent, recounted: “It was a beautiful party; there were little trees with gorgeous lights strung up and little Tammuz cakes of raisins and cinnamon. There were hundreds of little rabbits (Tammuz’s favorite animal), and enough chocolate eggs to make certain that people would remember Ishtar’s egg, the moon, from which he was born. After that, we all ate a delicious baked ham to remember the pig who ran our lord through.”

On a personal note, I found the festival to be touching and beautiful, although I do regret missing the celebratory orgy performed earlier in the week. Guess I’ll just have to wait until Christmas.

Many inaccuracies were found in the voting process, including several errors in the electronically submitted ballots, as well as a large number of votes from Earth that were altered or thrown out altogether. Suspicions abound that all of the eligible candidates had a hand in tampering with the final voting results to reflect an advantage in their respective directions. Results from the election were so skewed, in fact, that a board of Heavenly officials have decided to announce the successor to the fallen Holy Redeemer will not be one man, but a committee of men, built up of all the eligible candidates who ran in the God Election.

“It’s hard for one man to fill His shoes,” God’s son, Jesus Christ, said to LushForLife.com correspondent Porcious Crank. “Though we are disappointed in the candidates,” Christ said, “we feel that all of these eligible men have at least one golden, godly quality that they can bring to this committee to help restore fear and righteousness to the God position.”

The committee, which is being called The Holy Committee of God, is made up of all the Godship candidates, which included evangelist Jim Bakker, motivational speaker Tony Robbins, actor Craig T. Nelson, the prophet Moses, evangelist Billy Graham, football coach Joe Gibbs, television personality Tom Snyder, the Lord of Darkness, Satan (who will retain his old name of Lucifer), and basketball player Charles Barkley.

Most of the Holy Committee members will retain their previous jobs in some capacity, as well as serving on the Holy Committee. Satan, however, will hand over primary control of Hell to actor Mel Gibson, as he attempts to re-enter the gates of Heaven, where as the archangel Lucifer, he once reigned as one of God’s right-hand servants.

“I’ve been waiting for this chance for what seems like an eternity,” Satan told Porcious Crank. “I never thought they’d ever let me back in this place.”

When asked about the state of Hell, Satan responded, “Hell is just fine. I’m giving control of Hell to one of my most trusted servants [Gibson], but I’ll still remain a high-ranking official there, acting as a mentor to Mel. A consul of sorts, I guess.”

Each of the committee members will be allowed to appoint two members to the Holy Cabinet. The Cabinet will work in conjunction with the Holy Committee of God in conducting the day-to-day spiritual needs, including the listening to and answering of prayers, the performance of miracles, the writing and editing of existing books of the Bible, as well as new chapters, and the governing of the holy communities on both Earth and in Heaven.

Appointed Holy Cabinet representatives include evangelists Tammy Faye Bakker, Benny Hinn, and Joyce Meyer; actors Jon Voight, the spirits of actor Marlon Brando and activist Malcolm X, PBS spokeswoman Suze Orman, television show host and businesswoman Martha Stewart, the archangel Gabriel, and Heaven residents Mary Magdalene, King David, and the apostle Paul.

“With this committee, the presence of God will be stronger than ever,” Committee Chairman Tony Robbins said to LushForLife.com correspondent Arthur Rocks in Las Vegas. “Before, there was only one God, albeit he was omnipresent,” Robbins said, “but now God’s children have a whole board of holy men and women to reach out to. It’s going to be very exciting.”

In his closing statement, Jesus spoke out to the people of Heaven and Earth:

“Rest assured, my children, with this new committee, the power of God will be as strong as it has ever been. I am with all of you. Don’t forget, I am still the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one gets to the Holy Committee of God except through me. Only now all applications of salvation will have to be put before the board, receive a two-thirds majority approval, then sent to the Holy Cabinet, where the application will have to be approved by a simple majority, and then sent back to the Holy Committee for final approval. May you all flourish in the kingdom of God for all eternity. Amen.”

TAMPA, FL – A Tampa man is suing the Catholic Church over the fact that he believes God is stopping him from eating McDonald’s. Mr. C. Karl Khunt, of Tampa, began legal proceedings Thursday against the Vatican after he was confronted by an enraged group of protesters from the Florida Tomato Picker Association, blocking up the drive-thru of a franchise just off of Interstate 75.

LushForLife.com super-reporter Arthur Rocks sat down with Mr. Khunt on Tuesday to find out how the scandal began. “Well, it all started a few weeks back when I got me a craving for some grub whens I gots the munchies ’bout noon on a Sunday after Church. I’d been drinking t’night before, an’ my gut was aching just a tad, so whens I got to the parking lot I had ta open my truck door and puke. Then I drove up to the drive-thru and ordered a Spicy Chicken Sandwich, ten McNuggets, and a small Strawberry Shake, and they tol’ me it’d be over eight dollars! So, I say ‘What? Fuck y’all!’ And I drived off. I ain’t paying that kind of money.” After that, Mr. Khunt continued to have problems securing a McMeal. From broken McFlurry ice-cream machines to wait times beyond tolerance, malfunctioning credit cards to running out of Apple Pies, fate seemed to be against Khunt. It was around 7:32pm after the 15th time he was unable to make a purchase from McDonald’s that a friend suggested to Khunt that God might not want him to eat McDonald’s for health reasons (Khunt is 300 pounds, has a pacemaker, diabetes, and gout). Khunt was furious. As a red-blooded, non-Jew American, Khunt was not going to have anyone tell him what he was or was not allowed to eat, and decided to take action.

The first hearings are scheduled to take place in late May, and are expected to be thrown out of court for being what one legal analyst has called “very, very stupid”.

Many inaccuracies were found in the voting process, including several errors in the electronically submitted ballots, as well as a large number of votes from Earth that were altered or thrown out altogether. Suspicions abound that all of the eligible candidates had a hand in tampering with the final voting results to reflect an advantage in their respective directions. Results from the election were so skewed, in fact, that a board of Heavenly officials have decided to announce the successor to the fallen Holy Redeemer will not be one man, but a committee of men, built up of all the eligible candidates who ran in the God Election.

“It’s hard for one man to fill His shoes,” God’s son, Jesus Christ, said to LushForLife.com correspondent Porcious Crank. “Though we are disappointed in the candidates,” Christ said, “we feel that all of these eligible men have at least one golden, godly quality that they can bring to this committee to help restore fear and righteousness to the God position.”

The committee, which is being called The Holy Committee of God, is made up of all the Godship candidates, which included evangelist Jim Bakker, motivational speaker Tony Robbins, actor Craig T. Nelson, the prophet Moses, evangelist Billy Graham, football coach Joe Gibbs, television personality Tom Snyder, the Lord of Darkness, Satan (who will retain his old name of Lucifer), and basketball player Charles Barkley.

Most of the Holy Committee members will retain their previous jobs in some capacity, as well as serving on the Holy Committee. Satan, however, will hand over primary control of Hell to actor Mel Gibson, as he attempts to re-enter the gates of Heaven, where as the archangel Lucifer, he once reigned as one of God’s right-hand servants.

“I’ve been waiting for this chance for what seems like an eternity,” Satan told Porcious Crank. “I never thought they’d ever let me back in this place.”

When asked about the state of Hell, Satan responded, “Hell is just fine. I’m giving control of Hell to one of my most trusted servants [Gibson], but I’ll still remain a high-ranking official there, acting as a mentor to Mel. A consul of sorts, I guess.”

Each of the committee members will be allowed to appoint two members to the Holy Cabinet. The Cabinet will work in conjunction with the Holy Committee of God in conducting the day-to-day spiritual needs, including the listening to and answering of prayers, the performance of miracles, the writing and editing of existing books of the Bible, as well as new chapters, and the governing of the holy communities on both Earth and in Heaven.

Appointed Holy Cabinet representatives include evangelists Tammy Faye Bakker, Benny Hinn, and Joyce Meyer; actors Jon Voight, the spirits of actor Marlon Brando and activist Malcolm X, PBS spokeswoman Suze Orman, television show host and businesswoman Martha Stewart, the archangel Gabriel, and Heaven residents Mary Magdalene, King David, and the apostle Paul.

“With this committee, the presence of God will be stronger than ever,” Committee Chairman Tony Robbins said to LushForLife.com correspondent Arthur Rocks in Las Vegas. “Before, there was only one God, albeit he was omnipresent,” Robbins said, “but now God’s children have a whole board of holy men and women to reach out to. It’s going to be very exciting.”

In his closing statement, Jesus spoke out to the people of Heaven and Earth:

“Rest assured, my children, with this new committee, the power of God will be as strong as it has ever been. I am with all of you. Don’t forget, I am still the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one gets to the Holy Committee of God except through me. Only now all applications of salvation will have to be put before the board, receive a two-thirds majority approval, then sent to the Holy Cabinet, where the application will have to be approved by a simple majority, and then sent back to the Holy Committee for final approval. May you all flourish in the kingdom of God for all eternity. Amen.”

The Catholic Church immediately spoke out against this, stating: “The Bible is not a chain letter. We feel that this is an utter tragedy and one of the worst instances of blasphemy that has ever occurred. To reduce the book of God down to nothing more than a chain letter is a complete mockery of God, Jesus Christ, and the entire Christian faith.” The Catholic Church, being the zealous, money-hungry institute that it is, has also threatened to sue Guinness for all of the revenue they will generate from the sale of “The Guinness Book of World Records, 2006 Edition,” if Guinness publishes the book without removing the Bible from its list of records. However, the Catholic Church did offer to only take half of the book’s revenues if they would consider including the Bible as holding the record for world’s greatest book.

Goldstein defended Guinness’ decision to include the Bible as the worlds longest running chain letter by simply stating, “Let’s look at the facts!” He then went on to make his case: “The intent of the Bible from day one has been to spread itself and spread the word of God, much like a chain letter. The Bible can be found in any library, hotel, or prison. The Bible clearly threatens punishment (i.e., Hell) if you do not share it and pass it along to others. It also clearly offers reward (i.e., Heaven) if you do pass it along. These are very obvious signs of a chain letter.” Goldstein then went on to say that the Guinness’ still has full intensions of publishing their 2006 edition with the Bible included as the worlds longest running chain letter, and that they will see the Catholic Church in court.

Jesus Christ also had a few words to say about this issue. While vacationing in Florida, he spoke with one of our reporters and said, “Ya’ll niggas be crazy. This shit whack as fuck. One-love, peace!”