I feel for you my American cousins; I really do. If this is your chosen reading material, then you may well have heard of far off places outside the Bay Area, like Scotland, Albania, or Tunisia, you may even be able to find such places on a map. You might be capable of conceiving that there are people who have never eaten at KFC’s, girls who have never dreamed of being a cheerleader for their local college team or boys who have no idea what a tailgate is. This article is for you, people. Continue Reading

A recent poll by the American Research Group found that 45% of Americans want President George “Dubya” Bush to face impeachment, and 54% think that Cheney should be kicked out of office. Bruce Fein, the guy who wrote the first article of impeachment for Clinton and a dyed-in-the-wool conservative Republican, is now volunteering to write the articles for Bush and Cheney. Now, you may ask, “In the words of the Virgin Mary: Come again? A Republican conservative calling for the impeachment of the president?” That’s right! In fact, Fein said that Bush’s crimes are much worse than Clinton’s. On a Bill Moyers special in mid July, Mr. Fein said:

“[Bush] is seeking more institutionally to cripple checks and balances and the authority of Congress and the judiciary to superintend his assertions of power. He has claimed the authority to tell Congress they don’t have any right to know what he’s doing with relation to spying on American citizens, using that information in any way that he wants in contradiction to a federal statute called the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act. He’s claimed authority to say he can kidnap people, throw them into dungeons abroad, [and] dump them out into Siberia without any political or legal accountability. These are standards that are totally anathema to a democratic society devoted to the rule of law.”

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The Editor went roaring though the Lush For Life offices looking for an unoccupied writer. I panicked. I don’t know why I hide under my desk, because it’s the first place he looks.
“Did you see the Bill Maher stand-up special?” he demanded. “He was saying that Americans believe that we are the ‘best country in the world’ and that’s like guys who think they have the best wife in the world. He asked ‘How would you know?’ Find out whether we are the best country in the world, and if so, how we know this!” Continue Reading

To those of our citizens, and others in the international community who have been assaulted by the hysterical reactions of the leftists to the impending invasion of Canada, I feel an obligation to put things in perspective: a look at the Big Picture.
A little recent American history may help explain why the New World Order is so necessary. Foremost, it is about our nation keeping up with change. It is about the courage of an elected leader who, when he noticed someone had moved his cheese, replied,
“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, ‘Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.’” —George W. Bush, Nashville, Sept. 17, 2002 Continue Reading

The Vatican has examined road use and misuse, and found mankind in need of new guidance in this area.
Lush For Life convened a focus group of AAs (Average Americans) to debate the Vatican’s “Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road”, and found that they think the bar has been set a bit high. Continue Reading

It’s that glorious time of the year again! Our Nation’s birthday is here and boy, could it use some cheering up. Maybe a present or two – nothing fancy; just some peace pipes, tea cups, sauerkraut, potatoes, and some little wooden shoes (she’s multi-cultural). Yup, grab that American brew, toast the Founding Fathers, praise the Constitution, and celebrate liberty and freedom for all. Ooh! And hot-dog eating contests! Those are my favorite.
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[Lush For Life’s Economics Correspondent Edward Payne first submitted this story to Forbes Magazine, The Wall Street Journal, The Bloomberg Report, The San Francisco Chronicle, The St. Pete Times, The Tampa Bay Business Journal, In the Loop, The Carrollwood Times, The New Tampa Neighborhood News, The Gazette, The Idlewild Baptist Church Newsletter, and The Coffee Times. After rejections across the board, we at Lush For Life opted to run this piece, hoping to increase our street cred in the financial world and boggle the minds of our fifth-grade reading-level demographic. Enjoy! – Ed.] Continue Reading

I see the talking heads screaming for gun control. The Virginia Tech shootings have dragged out those god-awful idiots who make the Democratic party look like sniveling, opportunistic, pussies – That’s right Rosie O’Donnel, I’m talking to you. Continue Reading

In the wake of the April 16th shootings at Virginia Tech, gun control advocates and critics all came out to present their political argument on why this tragedy is a perfect example of why their opinion is the right one. Well, you know what they say about opinions: they’re like assholes, everyone has one, and they all stink. Continue Reading

Our fearless leader has pledged more troops to Iraq. Well done. A new idea? No. Will it work? Who knows?
As a nice, progressive, semi-hippie, bleeding heart liberal I can’t really jump up on my soap box and say, “Good job, Georgie” for sending more of my demographic out to die.
So where does that leave me? As a registered Democrat, I look towards my wonderful party’s great leadership and say, “You got a better idea?” And they say, “Well, yes, Duncan, we think that war is bad and so we should pull out our troops and bring them home where they’re safe and sound and they can stop killing Iraqis.” Almost as dumb as something a Republican from Texas would say. Continue Reading