Barrack Hussein Obama’s great, great, great grandfather, Falmouth Kearney, came to the US from Ireland in 1850, and suddenly Obama has a new card in the hunt for the vote of Irish-blooded Americans.
Coincidentally, the four-yearly Cricket World Cup has been creating a frenzy amongst billions of people worldwide, and the action has been happening in the Caribbean.
Now concentrate, because this gets very fishy, very quickly. It’s St Patrick’s Day, 2007, and a cricket match is taking place. Ireland is playing Pakistan.
Pakistan might be a Muslim nation, but their real religion is cricket. Thousands of million Pakistanis obsess over their famous cricket team. They also have the best coach in the world, who happens to be English.
Ireland has about five million inhabitants, their national religion is drinking, and their cricket team is made up almost completely of amateurs.
But somehow, Ireland wins. Pakistan is out of the Cup, and every Pakistani on the planet is devastated. And then, that night someone murders the coach.
And Lush For Life hears a whisper. Valium in the Pakistani refreshments. Barack Obama, says the whisper, mentioned to someone (who mentioned to someone) that it would be very nice to please the Irish and also quell all that stuff about his being a radical Muslim.
But the plan is the trash bin now… no one bargained for someone murdering the coach!
Egbert Sousé’s beard bristled with excitement as he went to find Arthur Rocks, our roving correspondent. Lush For Life needed to find this whisper. This was not only the scoop of the year – this was a Pulitzer Prize if ever Egbert had smelt one!
That is when things started to go wrong. Arthur was working on a story about Spring Break and American vacations, and as Egbert entered his cubicle, Arthur had just found out that Italians have approximately 42 days off work each year, and the French get about 37 days. (Arthur has had only two and a half days off in the three years he has worked for L4L.)
As Egbert told Arthur to go to Barbados, to investigate the story, there was a horrible noise. It sounded like Seamus’ recording of his insomniac cats yowling at midnight. Arthur continued to make the noise until we cashed in some of his vast amount of frequent flier miles, and bundled him off to Hawaii.
Then Egbert me told go to the West Indies. Yeah right. Al-Qaeda won the War on Terror the day I gave up flying rather than deal with the rules of the clear plastic bag.
You know those rules. It’s all about three ounces of whatzit, but your best lipstick still gets tossed out by a sadistic security guard, because it was outside the clear plastic bag, when you know you put it in with the toothpaste. Also, neither God nor L’Oreal ever conceptualized facial cleanser in 3-ounce containers, so you decant it into a clear plastic bottle, which turns out to be 3.5-ounces, so it joins your lipstick in the trash…
Egbert, like most editors, has no heart, so he wasn’t buying this. I upped the ante by describing the last time I flew. I had to line up in an airport, shoeless, behind an elderly Japanese man whose clear plastic bag contained hemorrhoid suppositories and cream. The X-ray machine operators waved the bag around, shouting for someone who could read kanji for “3-ounces”. Bush can say we’re winning the War on Terror, but you should have seen the old guy’s face – like he’d just met Freddy Krueger on Elm Street.
Egbert gave up and went looking for another victim. Duncan. Duncan suddenly recalled a Muslim friend who had an even worse experience. He was flying Continental and they have upgraded security drastically to cope with the threat to our air travel.
Previously, they only asked passengers those crafty questions when they checked in: Are you carrying anything you did not pack yourself? Did you leave your bags unattended? Are you carrying any forbidden objects? Now they have become even cleverer. They ask you the questions again before you board, in case you lied the first time.
They grilled the Muslim guy hard as passengers were boarding, and his conscience got the better of him. He knew that any magazine, prepackaged with cardboard 3-D glasses, and entitled “Titties”, must be a forbidden article in the eyes of Islam.
Duncan wasn’t quite sure of the details, but, apparently, the Muslim guy was reaching into his large carry-on to surrender his copy of “Titties”, when a special team took him down. He’s out of the hospital now, and no one is pressing charges.
I told Egbert to go, himself. I added that I hoped he ended up in a long security line of highly assertive women with yeast infections, armed with 4-ounce tubes of essential medication, and the amount of cream written in Martian. I’m not a nice person.
Egbert glared at us. Barack Obama tranquilizing the Pakistani cricket team to win the Irish vote? A murdered coach? Fame, fortune, a Pulitzer Prize? Or the terrors of the airport and the clear plastic bag?
He made his decision. “Screw the Pulitzer, Obama, and the Pakistanis. We’re going out for Guinness. And Gale, you chicken-hearted bitch, you’re buying.”

WASHINGTON – One day following the announcement of Democratic Presidential hopeful John Edwards’ wife, Elizabeth, is afflicted with the saddest of all cancers, breast cancer, the Republican party rebounded with some vote-getting news of their own: every member of the Republican Party, including the Executive Branch, the Senate, House of Representatives, Cabinet Members, and even registered voters, has cancer.

White House press secretary Tony Snow’s Friday morning announcement about removing a growth in his abdomen was a mere primer for the revelations to follow. An hour after Snow’s unfortunate message, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales revealed that his US attorney firing spree was really just a case of lashing out after he discovered that he has inoperable colon cancer.

Senator Pat Ward (R-IA), a strong proponent against the banning of smoking in public, reported the he suffers from throat cancer, himself, and therefore his views on smoking in restaurants should be twice as valid. Much like President Bush, whose second cousin’s sister-in-law’s nephew recently enlisted in the US Navy, Ward is willing to “take one for the team” to secure our personal freedom.

The unmarried Republican Governor of Florida, Charlie Crist, has revealed that he has been battling testicular cancer since he was 13. The cancer, he explained, is the reason he has not wed, for fear of a woman seeing his grossly misshapen scrotum. The only person of importance to know about his affliction is former staffer Jason Wetherington, who described the Governor’s testicles as “icky”.

Even people who traditionally vote Republican are getting what can only be described as “sympathy cancer”, with registered Republicans filling up oncologist offices quicker than you can say, “vote Republican”.

President George “Dubya” Bush himself has announced that he is also afflicted with this terrible, vote-getting, sympathy-culling disease. Not to be outdone by the Edwards’ sad tale, Bush announced last night in a televised interview with Barbara Walters, Katie Couric, and Oprah Winfrey, through tears and unintelligible syllables (even more-so than usual), that he is stricken with brain cancer.

Of course, Bush’s bout with brain cancer is a surprise to only 29 percent of the American polling public. For years, the president has stumbled on and about and around the English language, thoroughly trouncing every trace of intelligibility into oblivion, causing people to assume that the man is a simpleton. This thinking is wrong, however, since Bush’s brain cancer covers from the Broca’s Area to the Wernicke’s Area, both of which affect his speech drastically. Bush is not so much a retard, it seems, as he is a mental handicapped patriot.

Of course, this is expected to be a big boom for the Republican Party, as the American people are known to vote on pure feeling rather than on trivial things like issues and political ideals. No more is it liberal and conservative, but it is benign and malignant.

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama has taken up smoking, and is inhaling at least two packs a day to inflict himself with lung cancer. “I am a patriot, first and foremost,” he said between drags of his Camel unfiltered cigarette, “and I am willing to put life an lung on the line for the [cough] American people.”

Hilary Clinton has taken to sleeping with random men in all-night orgies of unprotected sex in hopes of contracting AIDS, a sure-fire bet to win the hearts of the American people.

“If I can just get as many votes as there are red ribbons,” she proclaimed while on her naked back at a Salt Lake City press conference, “Oh, oh, oh, GAWD YES!”

In a race that was sure to be decided on such an arbitrary thing like the war in Iraq, it is refreshing to know that politicians are willing to sacrifice their own well-being in order to win the hearts, but not the minds, of the American voting public.

WASHINGTON – President Bush has asked the American people to give his troop-surge plan time to work. Although sending in 20,000 extra troops may seems like W’s most retarded plan since he tried to save on laundry bills by wearing his underwear on the outside of his clothes, a White House source has informed Lush For Life that this troop increase is a small part of the President’s broader strategy.

As the Iraqi civilian death toll reaches about 60,000, and this number continues to rise rapidly, our source divulged exactly what it is that Bush is attempting. “Operation Clean Slate” is designed to slowly kill every Iraqi… ever. The President hopes that once the insurgents, and American boo-boos, kill all of the Iraqi citizens, the insurgents will be much easier to knock off. When the country’s population reaches zero, George Walker Bush will implement what we are told is his greatest plan to date.

After some much needed landscaping, the president will transport all the minorities, gays, and liberals to the new country, which we are told will be named “The United State of Jesus.” The flag will be changed to the Southern Cross, and the national anthem will become “Shine Jesus Shine” – a favorite of the President’s. Bush is certain that most of the gay population can be straightened out in about three weeks, and the other citizens will probably land up in Hell anyway, but at least they won’t make America look bad.

Unfortunately, the President doesn’t have much time left in the White House, and this is why he has sent in the extra troops. The surge appeases some critics and makes the rest look like they’re troop-hating, terrorist-hugging dickweeds who substitute Old Glory for toilet paper. But, essentially, the troops are there to speed up the death rate. With orders to quietly increase “civilian casualties”, these extra soldiers are certain to ensure that the President’s vision is realized.

NEW YORK – Last week, as the 2008 presidential frontrunners Senator Hillary Clinton and Senator Barack Obama exchanged early blows over everything from comments made by David Geffen calling the Clintons liars to who they thought was going to win the Academy Award for best foreign film, and even over which the bigger news story was: Anna Nicole Smith dropping dead or Britney Spears’ breakdowns. Clearly the two campaigns had come to political deadlock over the issues and basic philosophical ideology.
After a week of back and forth stabs at personal integrity, credibility, race, and gender, the glove was thrown down by the Clinton campaign Thursday afternoon, challenging Obama to face Clinton in a no-holds-barred mud wrestling fight. At first, the Obama camp was weary over the idea of getting down and dirty with an experienced Capitol Hill brawler, but they finally agreed after a senior Clinton advisor called Obama a “big fat doodoo head” and made a “yo-momma” crack at the Senator’s expense.
Organized by the two campaigns and Don King, the fight was held Saturday night at Madison Square Gardens in New York City, after much negotiation and calling the Obama camp “sissies” for complaining about home field advantage for Hilary.
The spectacle kicked off with Prince playing a wailing rendition of “Eye of the Tiger” on a purple, phallic guitar, silhouetted against a psychedelic electro-light laser show. As the applause died down, the house lights were shut off as “2 Legit 2 Quit” began blasting over the loudspeakers and a high-powered spot focused on Barack Obama at the North Entrance striding to the ring, draped in a fantastic Oriental robe, surrounded by his posse of campaign advisors and finance analysts. David Plouffe, a partner in AKP Media and Obama’s National Campaign manager, stood on the ropes to allow Obama to duck into the muddy pit. As he flung his robe to an attractive young intern screaming in political ecstasy, Obama revealed his glistening frame and boxer shorts.
As Hilary Clinton entered the stadium in her latex body suite and fishnets, the crowd broke into a frenzy like a troop of apes on PCP. With one hand clutching the top rope, she flung her gleaming body over the posts and landed squatting and scowling three feet from her launch site. Her oiled skin glowed in the halogens as she screamed, beat her chest, and flexed her thigh muscles. Obama was visibly shaken by the tremendous display of ferocious rage.
When the bell sounded, the silence in the arena was deafening. Clinton lunged at Obama’s throat while the echoes of the bell were still vibrating through the assembly. Obama, clearly surprised at the speed of the attack, was thrown down into the mud, but quickly regained his composure, proving that he is starting to get the hang of political fights. Using his over-sized head, he drove his skull into Hilary’s nose. Stunned, screaming, and gushing blood, Clinton jumped to her feet and began flailing her arms, beating Obama about the face and neck. The pair of opinionated opponents was soon rolling in the mud, throwing vicious elbows, knees, and palm-punches to each other’s groin areas – below the belt attacks are common amongst hardened campaign runners.
For seven solid minutes, the mud became Hell on earth. Many in the crowd held their breaths, mothers covered their children’s eyes while grown men wept openly, and some with weaker constitutions violently vomited because of the shear brutality of the dirt-covered carnage unfolding before them.
When Obama finally maneuvered behind Clinton and had her clenched in a sleeper hold with his fingernails drawing blood from her throat, gasps were heard as the end of the chaos was in sight, but Clinton had other plans. Close to the edge of the ring, Hilary somehow found the strength to reach over the side of the squared circle and grabbed the ring bell. Ripping it from its bolts, Clinton swung the heavy gong against the side of Barrack’s head, knocking him off his feet. With the famous counter-attack speed she is so well know for, Clinton struck the fallen Obama again and again in the face with the blunt instrument. The sound of the bell beating the swelling flesh will not soon leave the memories of those present. When Clinton was finally pulled off the unconscious Junior Senator from Illinois, she raised a bloody fist in victory and let out a bone-chilling scream.
Although the fight puts an end to the first round of political infighting and mud slinging, Fox news has reported that “many” still believe that this is not the end of this sort of method of political dispute settling. Speculation already abounds over the possibility of a McCain/Giuliani cage match being scheduled sometime in early April.

WASHINGTON – Yesterday, Junior Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.) introduced a resolution to debate a non-binding resolution proposing that the US rejoin the British Commonwealth.
Our roving correspondent, Arthur Rocks, put on his reporter’s diaper and took the first plane to Washington.
He wasn’t hoping for much of a story. He guessed that Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III was feeling neglected by the press from his outsider position of being the only member of the Senate not running for President, nor claiming custody of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.
What he found was quite different. Sessions has been working like crazy to block the Democrats’ anti-war and anti-surge debates and resolutions, and in the process he has become completely cuckoo.
He apparently started by digging through every arcane rule of the Senate, hoping that the Republicans would never have to choose between doing what their constituents want and taking a stand against the President. He ended up getting completely sucked into the essentially British origins of the US Congress, losing his sanity in the process.
When Rocks arrived, the Senator was wearing a checked dress shirt with a bow tie, plus-fours, knee-high socks, a moth-eaten tartan shooting jacket, and a bowler hat. He was carrying an umbrella, which seemed unnecessary, given that he was indoors on a cloudless day.
He insisted that Rocks partake of hot tea served in a fragile bone-china cup, with shortbread and cucumber sandwiches. His hands shook with enthusiasm as he explained the importance of reconnecting with our British roots.
“Most of the first Americans were British, and they created Congress, a glorious institution. We don’t need to stall processes in Congress by spending our time naming Post Offices. We merely need to get closer to the British mind-set. And I’m getting closer and closer to understanding this thinking. I’m even beginning to understand cricket.
“You have all these people standing around for days. They do almost nothing, while tens of thousands of people watch. It’s incredibly slow and the whole nation talks about it. Often, it rains, and they all simply sit and drink tea or warm beer. After five days, there is no result. And everyone pays a fortune for it. Don’t you see where Congress comes from?
“Then there is trainspotting. That’s where people stand around a railroad station for hours, in all kinds of weather, writing down numbers of passing railroad cars. The only objective is to see and record a lot of different railroad cars. It achieves absolutely nothing. And the trainspotters also claim that they contribute to the security of the nation!
“Congress needs to evolve to higher levels. We need egg-and-spoon races, nettle eating contests, and fêtes with tombola stalls. The high art of achieving absolutely nothing with the most enormous amount of ceremony, and many more inane speeches than we have now. None of this rubbish about missing money in Iraq, or accountability and ethics.
“Tenet, Franks, and Bremer got medals for their work for the Administration. It’s nothing on what I’m going to get.”
The Senator invited Rocks to be his guest at some events he was organizing that day – there was a choice between a cheese-rolling contest (centrist Republicans vs. conservative Bible Punchers) and some Maypole dancing in West Potomac Park.
Rocks discourteously boycotted both events on the grounds that he is a registered Independent. He also dumped his reporter’s diaper in a trashcan on Pennsylvania Avenue. This led to a major security alert, and the area was cordoned off for six hours as Washington security forces brought in substantial reinforcements to deal with the suspicious-object crisis.
Rocks has received a verbal warning from senior management, and sincere thanks from all the 24-hour news networks.

In a White House Press briefing Friday, Press Secretary Tony Snow released an overwhelming library of evidence that Iran might be supplying Iraqi Sunni Islamo-Fascists with the explosives they use to blow innocent American GIs to bits and pieces.

According to Lush For Life’s chief military analyst, Gridiron General Rob Johnson – who spent hours digging through piles of papers, poring over vaguely worded charts and fondling CIA evidence – concurred with the report. 

“There is a very real and dangerous threat that these bomb fragments may have come from Iran, dude,” said Johnson.

After Lush For Life lab apes closely examined fragments of the bombs it was revealed that one of the thousands of fragments bore the words, written in English, “Made in Iran”. 

Chief White House officials are remaining tight-lipped about possible reaction to the findings but lead Bush consultant Henry Kissinger granted Lush For Life an exclusive interview. 

Lush For Life White House correspondent Arthur Rocks asked Kissinger 23 questions of various levels of length and difficulty.

“Carpet bomb,” is the only response he gave.

In an intimate press conference held in the Lincoln Bathroom, our glorious leader, President George W. Bush was overheard saying, “Now, Hank, pretend these rubber duckies are Iranian terrersts [sic], and this boat is the righteous hand of Amuric’n vengeance. These suds are explosions and that there is a rocket. The water is Iran (words obscured by splashing). We’re gonna bomb the whole shit.”

According to White House Chief of Culinary Operations Falun S. Oufflé, these newest plans are eerily reminiscent of another scandal concerning what he called, “a rush to action on shaky information.”

In June of 2003, the righteously justified Bush administration dismissed head White House Pastry Chef Fredrich Markels, citing allegations that Markels “nearly, almost definitely” had connections with the socialist-liberal Democratic Party, said Oufflé.

“That sumbitch was poisoning my lemon meringue tartlets. I couldn’t abide by it and I heard he was a communist, too. Maybe gay,” Bush said.

One year later, after an exhaustive background check, Markels voting records revealed that he had voted Republican since 1974.

Adjectives from FOX News were used in this report.

Ah, January. Those sweltering Florida nights, those cool North Eastern ice storms, and those mild Illinois Winters – weather as weird and nonsensical as the political climate, and by no means less dangerous.

Liberals everywhere are sharpening their pointy teeth of retribution, and casting their bone-dice of hatred into juju bags of spite and malice (as usual), only now they do it with the fervor of rabid tunnel rats, mad with power. How should we, as sane, thinking, conservatives keep our heads as we are faced with madmen running our senate and the house?

When times seem darkest, that is the time for great leadership. And synonymous with great leadership is George W. Bush. And, boy, did he show that more than ever at Wednesday’s State of the Union address.

He entered wearing a pale blue tie, gleaming like his smile, to the cheers of his adoring fellow Republicans and the insincere applause of those media whoring, two-faced Democrat devils. Many of these same disingenuous bastards who where shaking his great hand on television were back on TV later that same night talking about how the President’s approval rating is the lowest ever. These sanctimonious progressive pansies turn my stomach. Not only are they two-faced, backstabbing bastards, but their lying tongues should be cut out as well – Nixon at one time had an approval rating of 25%, three whole points lower than Bush’s – so there! These people make me want to murder hamsters.

His speech was inspiring. His tone was soothing and rousing. His generosity of spirit overflowed and he was even white enough to shake Nancy Pelosi’s hand, whereas I would have punched her in the face. A true Christian, he congratulated the Democrat majority, but I remind you that a majority is what is “common” – what we need is the spectacular.

On the domestic front, the President spoke about balancing the federal budget, something this do-nothing Democrat congress has not been able to do. He spoke about the sad state of the school system, and how government should do all they can to help failing schools, but how they must also allow good students at bad schools to have the choice of leaving and go to a good school. This will make the bad kids left at the bad school realize the error of their ways and work harder to become good kids in good schools.

He talked about healthcare reform and how to make healthcare accessible to all Americans, a cornerstone of the Republican agenda, and he laid out what I consider to be the most revolutionary and brilliant idea for healthcare reform ever presented: tax cuts. Tax cuts are like duct tape – they will fix almost anything! The plan will give those who have health care a tax deduction so they can buy more health care. This plan will greatly benefit those who are too poor to pay taxes as the second they pull themselves up by their bootstraps, they will be enjoying tax savings!

Unfortunately, with limited time and a busy schedule, President Bush didn’t have enough time to squeeze an update on Katrina and all the successes of the cleanup and rehabilitation of New Orleans’ city and people.

Instead, he spoke about some real American heroes, like Congo born Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacque Wamutombo, who turned down a Georgetown medical scholarship in order to pursue the higher moral calling of being a center in the NBA.

He also brought up America’s increasing dependence on foreign oil, which has increase by 10% in the last year. This increase has been out of the control of the President, and is probably due to Arab loving Democrats and other unpatriotic communists.

He mentioned climate change, not to be confused with that myth “global warming”. Global warming would be something that we are responsible for, and everybody knows that taking responsibility is for pussies. What we are experiencing is just a sudden increase in the Earth’s temperature, which just coincidentally coincides with our increase in methane producing, cow eating, and fossil fuel usage. Climate change is simply change, and everyone knows that change is good.

Although Bush’s domestic policies are visionary, it’s his foreign policy that paints him as a luminary. A great listener, mediator, and man of the people, the President is always open to the advice of others. When the American people voted in treacherous numbers in the last election, it was seen as a signal that they were unhappy with the situation in Iraq. The cries of the people did not go unheard. In his State of the Union speech, President Bush explained his leaving behind of the “stay the course” and the move to his new strategy of “give it a chance”.

This new strategy takes all of the successful elements of the previous tactics and improves upon the idea. This will include a dramatic “augmentation” in troop levels with an increase of 20,000 of America’s bravest and strongest. If that isn’t enough to alter the course of a battle, I don’t know what is.

The president also explained how the failures in Iraq are not all our fault. Iraq itself is mostly to blame. They should never have let a foreign intelligence agency install a dictator in the first place. They also should have proven to weapons inspectors that they didn’t have any weapons of mass destruction, rather than lie and make us look like idiots. On top of all that, they should not be fighting Americans or each other. It’s also Iran’s fault! We all know what happens to countries that are named in the President’s State of the Union speeches… watch out Iran.

In order to deal with the difficult problem of Iraq, the President says he will create a special body of men and women from both parties to investigate and advise him on the issue. Even though it could be said that this has been tried before with other groups like the US Congress and the Baker-Hamilton Commission, they have never really given any firm suggestions or useful recommendations, so President Bush will once again take the lead in creating the right opinion for the right decision.

I, for one, cannot wait to see how our great and fearless leader will take us forward into the next decade of American greatness. Let his speech be a warning to all those who would undermine God’s United States: that’s aimed at you Iran, North Korea, Venezuela and California – watch out.

]]> http://www.lushforlife.com/2007/02/the-amazing-state-of-the-union/feed/ 0 http://www.lushforlife.com/2006/06/bush-visits-baghdad-without-incident/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=bush-visits-baghdad-without-incident http://www.lushforlife.com/2006/06/bush-visits-baghdad-without-incident/#comments Fri, 23 Jun 2006 02:36:14 +0000 Porcious Crank http://lushforlife.com/2006/06/22/bush-visits-baghdad-without-incident/

BUTTE, MT – In a joint press conference held on Thursday by the heads of a plethora of terrorist groups, the subject arose of President Bush’s recent Baghdad visit and their renewed vow of solidarity in the complete hatred of the United States and its people.

The Conference featured representatives from Abu Nidal Organization, Abu Sayyaf Group, al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, Ansar al-Islam, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Armed Islamic Group, Asbat al-Ansar, Aum Shinrikyo, Gama’a al-Islamiyya, HAMAS, Harakat ul-Mujahidin, al-Qa’ida, Palestinian Islamic Jihad, Palestine Liberation Front, Mujahedin-e Khalq Organization, The LA Dodgers, Moroccan Islamic Combatant Group, Lashkar-e Tayyiba, and al-Jihad.

Keynote speaker Jim bin Laden announced that there would be no attempts on the President’s life, saying, “The sinister Mr. Bush was right. We do not hate the American people for their economic imperialism or their unfaltering support of the terrorist, Israeli state. Rather, we hate the American people for their freedom. As such, we have agreed that there shall never be an attempt on the life of Mr. Bush while he is president.”

LushForLife.com‘s White House correspondent Duncan Idaho flew into the beltway in his private jet, Thursday, to record the President’s reaction in person.

“Now, I ‘preciate what they’re trying to do down there in the Middle East,” said Bush. “Jim is my old Stanford roomy and chum. He was supposed to help me manage the team when I owned the Rangers, but we fell out over a gram of coke he said I snorted off his mother’s ass. He took it sorta hard and turned to Allah. Much like me, he wanted to become right with the Lord. “

Harold Fink, waiter at the Butte Convention Center, described the event itself saying, “Man, them oil guys, they sure do tip good. Man, did you see them renew their vows, that were a beautiful ceremony. They didn’t crush any glasses, but I yelled ‘mazeltov’ any way.”

Former presidential candidate turned hippy crusader Al Gore was interviewed on the red carpet at the premier of his new film, An Inconvenient Truth, by staff writer Danny Albertson on Saturday.

“They really do hate us,” said Gore. “I realized they had a mild distaste with the whole 9/11 thing, but I had no idea the width and breadth of their hatred for our country. That they would suffer another day with this polluting, non-environmentally-friendly regime for another day, thus bringing the world one step closer to destruction, is mind-boggling.

Unfortunately, after an exhaustive search employing four Cray xt3 super-computers and thousands of man hours, the only two people that could be found that care about what Al Gore says are Mos Def and Graham Schneider, a Mass Communications major at Texas Tech.

STAFFORD, TX – Representative Tom DeLay held a press conference, today, in an attempt to boost his public image and defend the controversially genius gerrymandering program he implemented in his home state of Texas.

DeLay, who last came out of hiding to defend his good pal, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, most recently attracted the attention of the left-wing media and zealot liberal prosecutors for receiving so-called kickbacks in a campaign finance scandal.

Despite this, DeLay spent a large amount of the press conference touting what he referred to as “God’s plan for the state of Texas.” DeLay claimed divine revelation as he set forth the true inspiration for his gerrymandering scheme. According to DeLay, Moses came to him in a dream with the state of Texas drawn on a large slab. On this slab, the congressional districts were redrawn. He told DeLay, “The heathen, liberal media will persecute you for your valor. Don’t be discouraged, my son, your efforts will be rewarded as you reveal the true reason for your actions.”

He then laughed like an inspired mad genius as he revealed a large “paint by numbers” rendition of Texas, complete with congressional districts. To the shock, awe, and disgust to all but this reporter and the multiple Fox news representatives present, the 2001 congressional districts of Texas, when painted correctly, resemble closely a picture of Jesus holding a black baby.

The newly vindicated DeLay laughed and pointed menacingly at representatives of the NAACP for thirty minutes until he magically imploded.

The Bush administration’s smug smiles have become scientifically measurably smugger as more proof of their divine appointment came to light.

WASHINGTON – As the November 2006 elections approach, Congress is calling an emergency session to pass legislation requiring Senate and House candidates to undergo DNA testing.

There is huge excitement amongst both Democrats and Republicans, as it is the first time that a DNA test has been developed which will ensure that the American public sends only the nation’s elite to Washington to represent them.

Dr. Jeanne Poole and her team of geneticists at the National Center for Human Genome Research have announced the discovery of a genetic marker, which has been found to be common to all politicians who are successful in the Washington system. It also predicts an all-consuming hunger for power and/or its companions, money and prestige.

The marker is a genetic microsatellite, described as “a simple repeated sequence of tetra nucleotides present on every few thousand base pairs of the estimated 3 billion base pairs of DNA.”

The discovery had been verified by five years of extensive double-blind tests, and confirmed by cooperating teams in seven other countries, using subjects from the most successful politicians and top corporate executives. Dr. Poole can now state, without any doubts, that it this marker that distinguishes those who are strongly motivated by power and status from those who are not.

“Those with this distinctive DNA marker will lie, backstab, plot against their own grandmothers, or turn on their own teams in an effort to get ahead,” says Dr. Poole. “They are remarkably susceptible to the lure of dominance and standing. Their ethical framework quickly disintegrates when the slightest enticement of greater influence or enhanced strategic position is dangled before them.”

Dr. Poole also referred LushForLife.com to a linked study by Dr. Xavier O’Nass, Professor Emeritus of Cognitive Psychology at the University of Washington, the leading national expert on the thinking processes of politicians.

Dr. O’Nass explained how the marker is strongly correlated with the ability to tolerate cognitive dissonance. “Those who have this DNA marker are able to profess a moral or ethical position,” he explained, “and yet act in a manner which is in complete opposition to the core tenants of the principles they imagine that they recognize. Even more interesting, they can pass a polygraph test to prove that they believe a set of doctrines, yet on the very same day, they can act in direct contradiction of the values inherent in that belief system. Fascinating!”

Sociologists are in a frenzy about Dr. Poole’s supporting research. Several researchers are interested in studying a Buddhist monastery where no one, not even the abbot, has the marker. Many more are submitting research proposals for a hugely wealthy country club where 96.8% of male, and 64 % of female, members have the marker.

The political infightings of this amazing community have already resulted in four deaths, innumerable divorces and lawsuits, and several serious injuries (one on the ladies’ eight tee, where a golf club was used in a most inappropriate manner). Many universities are very keen to study the group, but there is some trepidation about how safe it is to do so, as few sociologists have the marker themselves.

There is also talk of a Nobel nomination for Dr. Poole. The worldwide effort to map the human genome has had many benefits, including prenatal screening, genetic counseling, and early warnings of a predisposition to a variety of illnesses, such as breast cancer and cystic fibrosis. However, nothing approaches the huge benefits of this latest scientific breakthrough, which will protect our nation’s capital from wimps who are not genetically equipped to be politicians, and who will be steamrollered by those who are more highly evolved and properly suited to play the political game – the way it is meant to be played in Washington.