Lush For Life

I was hiding from the Editor in the basement stairwell, when he appeared beside me and started eating the sub I was saving for lunch. “Gale,” he said in that gentle voice we all hate more than his roar. “I want a story about the people who still support Bush.” I breathed a sigh of [...]

“My family and I are deeply sorry for everything Vice President Cheney and his family have had to deal with,” said Harry Whittington, after the Veep shot him in the face. But Dick Cheney’s latest victim has refused to apologize, after the Vice President’s theories took her to the top of the Sunshine Skyway Bridge [...]

The Editor went roaring though the Lush For Life offices looking for an unoccupied writer. I panicked. I don’t know why I hide under my desk, because it’s the first place he looks. “Did you see the Bill Maher stand-up special?” he demanded. “He was saying that Americans believe that we are the ‘best country [...]

1,000,000 people died today. It was bad. The police are really mad. People’s families have been crying a lot. Some of the people who were killed were children, but most of them were adults. They cannot come back to life. Their bodies will be buried in the ground; some of them will be cremated.

Over the past few weeks, as Republicans have started to abandon the Iraq war in droves, the Bush administration has been going to great lengths to explain to the public how winning the War in Iraq is integral to winning the War on Terror. Despite CIA and National Intelligence Estimate reports to the contrary, administration [...]

WASHINGTON – “They hate our freedoms – our freedom of religion, our freedom of speech, our freedom to vote and assemble and disagree with each other.” Those were the famous words of our great leader, George W. Bush in his 2001 joint session of Congress. With the threat of terrorism around the world steadily rising, [...]

LYNCHBURG, VA – Jerry Falwell, the moral and spiritual beacon for all God-fearing, minority-loathing, gun-toting, Jew-hating, science-snubbing, feminist-fearing, violence-endorsing Christians died Tuesday at 73 from heart rhythm abnormality. The Reverend’s heart failure seems to have been caused by over-excitement during a liaison with one of his many regular Mexican male prostitutes at his office at [...]

OXFORD, ENGLAND – Through the historical modern-classic, The DaVinci Code, society discovered that Jesus the Christ and Mary Magdalene had a child – the Holy Grail – and the bloodline was passed down, protected by the Knights Templar. But scrolls found in Iran have shed new light on the descendants of Jesus of Nazareth.

WASHINGTON – Last Thursday, the Roberts Court handed down a landmark decision that effectively quashed the desegregation plans of hundreds of public school systems all across the United States. Writing for the majority opinion, Chief Justice John Roberts said that race should not be used in anyway, either for positive or negative outcomes, as a [...]

San Francisco – Tragedy was averted Thursday when a quick-thinking Transportation Security Administration screening officer spotted and impounded a 12 ounce tube of Aquafresh brand fluoride toothpaste before it could be carried on board an American Airlines flight to Dallas.