Lush for Life’s newest intrepid reporter, Marriot A. Lamb, has been aware that Hillary Clinton has been getting more than her fair share of attention with regards to her proposed changes to the Health Care system.
He called Mitt Romney (who is at least a Presidential candidate with a full complement of decision-making organs) to get some perspective on her proposal.
Romney was in Salt Lake City buying more magic underwear for his campaign, but agreed to talk on condition that Marriot promised to become a Mormon. (You’d think he’d know by now that you can cross your fingers behind your back when you’re on a phone when no one can see you!) Continue Reading

WASHINGTON – Workaholism continues to be in style in Washington as Nancy Pelosi’s Democrats go all out to prove that they are do-something legislators.

Lush For Life could not get an interview with Pelosi this week, but Minority Whip Republican Trent Lott had time to talk to us. Continue Reading

LushForLife.com‘s own Gale Force tracked down Donald Rumsfeld with the aid of a compass and a dead rabbit, as bait, for this exclusive interview.

Gale Force: Secretary Rumsfeld. Thank you for your time. LushForLife.com is very interested to hear why you have appointed a woman, with no military experience, as head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Donald Rumsfeld: No mystery there, Dr. Force. It’s this Israeli thing. We’ve woken up to how the enemy is thinking divergently, and we need to think even better than he does. We’re pale male, railroad track thinkers, so we found someone who is a real innovative thinker. We need someone is a step ahead of the enemy, not playing catch-up like we do now. Dr. Rosenfeld is that person. Kraft has accepted that their loss is our nation’s gain.

GF: Dr. Rosenfeld is Jewish, Secretary Rumsfeld. I believe Mel Gibson says that Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. Aren’t you taking a bit of a chance here?

DR: The CIA assures me that this is not true, Dr. Force. They proved to me that, at the last count, there were 18 wars going on in Africa, and not one was caused by Jews. So he must have been drinking or something.

GF: Irene Rosenfeld knows a lot about the food industry. Do you see this helping her in her new position?

DR: Napoleon said that an army marches on its stomach. The president told me that ‘Yo’ Blair explained this. It means that it is important to feed the army well. President Bush thinks that women generally know a lot about feeding men, too, and this will be useful in places like Iraq where our troops are short of a lot of things? like armor. He says good food will be helpful. But the main thing is, she can think ahead and see what is coming, and we can’t.

GF: What does the President say about this ‘thinking ahead’ stuff?

DR: The President is generally not in favor of thinking ahead, but he is out of a job in two years. I’m still in, with a chance. You can’t blame a guy for looking out for himself.

GF: Any chance that the President will give the new Chief a neck rub in meetings?

DR: Well he is always good to the little ladies like that. He’s not sexist, though. I’m sure he’d be happy to give the generals and people like Putin neck rubs if they asked, but they don’t because their suit jackets are too thick. Merkel was just being weird. A lot of German women are actually lesbians.

GF: So Dr. Rosenfeld will find ways for our people to deal with new tactics from enemies who will attack USA bases using civilians as shields, who fight from underground tunnels, who fight from mobile bases in cities, or wage suicide and creative guerilla attacks on us from deep within city structures? And her secret weapons will be her brain, mind maps, and a thick suit jacket?

DR: If she can’t, we’ll ask Genentech for their CEO. Levinson’s next on the list.

GF: Is he also Jewish?

DR: You LushForLife.com people are beginning to sound like Jon Stewart.

“TAMPA – Local resident John Andrews stumbled upon the Internet’s most popular satirical site, TheOnion.com, during a five-minute break at work, Tuesday, and it hasn’t really changed anything about him or his daily routine.

Calling our Tampa offices shortly after the discovery, Andrews shared some thoughts about his experience with me in a brief telephone interview:

Egbert Souse: So, you finally read TheOnion.com. What did you think of it?

John Andrews: Oh. Well, it was… You know, I don’t really know. I saw some headlines, and they were kind of lame. It was stuff like, “”Local Man Reads TheOnion.com,”" and other junk like that. Nothing really satirical about it. I was under the impression that the site is run by a bunch of lazy slackers who don’t really care about their readers. It seemed as if they think that we’ll laugh at anything they put up.

ES: And is that the case?

JA: No, of course not. Anyone who is intelligent enough to actively seek well written, thought out satire, instead of accepting what mass media has to tell him, deserves to be stimulated in a g-spot bending orgasm of intellectualism. Is that really too much to ask?

ES: No. No, I don’t think so. At an office such as ours, for instance, we work really hard, night and -

JA: Look: This isn’t about you. It’s about TheOnion.com. Can we please stay on the subject?

ES: Fine?

JA: Anyhow, I did find myself chuckling at a headline that used a play on the homophone ‘way’ and ‘weigh’. But, overall, I must say that it leaned more towards complete retardation and laziness than it did witty, scathing satire that pointed out the flaws and inconsistencies of our modern day culture and society.

ES: Okay.

JA: Are you all right, man?

ES: Yeah, I’m fine. I just wanted to talk about LushForLife.com a bit more.

JA: Look: I didn’t even mean to call you. I meant to call my wife to tell her I’d be home five minutes late because of reading that trash. I’ve never even heard of LushForLife.com before I dialed this number on accident.

ES: Okay. Will you please read it, now? It’s really funny.

JA: No!

ES: You don’t have to be so rude about it, asshole.

JA: Fuck off, prick! [click]

A transcript of this interview has been forwarded to both TheOnion.com and the National Security Administration for further dissection.

“

In a monthly periodical, you, the readers of LushForLife.com, can submit questions to Danny Albertson, and he will forward a handful of them to Brett Favre in their monthly sit down.

Danny Albertson: A lot has happened since the last time we spoke, buddy. Continue Reading

…Continued from last week

I awoke on the floor of my Columbian hotel room this morning to the buzzing of my god damned cell phone. It was Duncan Idaho, bitching to me about deadlines and due dates and the sort. I rebuked him, reminding him that I was Senior Editor around here, and I’d be the one barking orders and reprimands. I hung up on him and realized: “Oh, fuck. That foreign cocksucker has a point.” Continue Reading

I awoke on the floor of my Columbian hotel room this morning to the buzzing of my god damned cell phone. It was Duncan Idaho, bitching to me about deadlines and due dates and the sort. I rebuked him, reminding him that I was Senior Editor around here, and I’d be the one barking orders and reprimands. I hung up on him and realized: “Oh, fuck. That foreign cocksucker has a point.” It had been more than a month, and the entire interview with Debbie Rochon had still not been published, on account of the fact that my personal assistant, a young Japanese girl named Miyuki, who was supposed to transcribe the fucking thing, had run off in a hurry after… shit. I don’t know. I blacked out and she had gone back to Nagasaki the following morning. Continue Reading

ES: You mentioned Cronenberg. If you think about him, I mean, he almost got his start doing, practically, what would be considered “B” movies, what with Videodrome and… the other thing…

DI: That thing terrifies me.

DR: Rabid. With Marilyn Chambers. Continue Reading

I got a call from my anonymous Hollywood insider on Monday night. He told me to get my shit together and be ready to interview a big Hollywood star first thing in the morning Tuesday. At least, that’s what I heard through my ears filtered by two midnight joints and enough Afghani smack to knock Keith Richards through a concrete wall. I called my colleague, the esteemed Duncan Idaho (speed dial: 5) to pull up his pants and knock his dick out of that Mexican hooker’s mouth and get to my place, fast, so we could prepare for our duty. Continue Reading

In a monthly periodical, you, the readers of LushForLife.com, can submit questions to Danny Albertson, and he will forward a handful of them to Brett Favre in their monthly sit down Q&A. Continue Reading