Lush For Life » News

RIM to Release Crackberry Standard and Pro

Duncan Idaho — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 08:59:45 +0000

This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. With announcements for three new phones from Sony, a new HTC Android device, four fantastic looking entries from Nokia and enough iPhone 3 rumors to fill a million bogs, picking the most interesting offering to write about has been tough. That is until Canadian market giant Research in Motion entered the fray with six new creations, including the new and highly controversial “Crackberry” line.

The Crackberry will reportedly come in two versions, Crackberry Standard and Crackberry Pro. The Pro edition will allow users to send and receive 256bit encrypted text messages, include a police band radio scanner, and utilize a sensitive scale, built in under the display, in conjunction with a custom app called “Big 8”. Other apps only available for the Pro edition will include “Blow up”, a tool for working out lidocaine-to-product ratios, “Bomb squad” a collaboration tool for street team management, and a new client management app simply called “Cluck”. All this on as well as some of the more familiar tools such as Wireless email, a media player and corporate data access.

“The Crackberry line of products was my idea,” proudly reported Co-CEO and Director James “Big Jim” Balsillie, in a press conference Thursday. “People have been using the term for so long now, that I figured, what hey, eh,” continued Balsilie, referring to the term coined to indicate how many Blackberry users are “addicted” to their phones. “And then it hit me, why not capitalize on that. I mean people gotta have what they gotta have, right…eh?” Balsillie, a famed philanthropist, athlete, Honorary Chair of the Peterborough YMCA’s Building New Memories Campaign and the ninth-richest person in Canada, is North America’s leading advocate for the legalization of Crack Cocaine (and a huge crack-head himself.)

The Crackberry Standard model will feature similar innovative features, such as a specially designed touch screen that will compensate for badly shaking hands, a special, fork-like prong near the USB port for scratching and a GPS receiver that will notify the user of any Crackberry Pro carriers in the area. Some have tech insiders have however criticized the device due to its lack of expandable memory and limited MIDI ring tones, but many users have cited the integration with BlackBerry® Enterprise Server for Novell® GroupWise® as more than enough to compensate for some of the shortfalls.
This reporter was fortunate enough to be allowed to interview one of RIM’s test users for the Standard edition. “Man, da Stan-ded may be spec-ed likes da Bold fo sho, but dis one’s fo` da ages,” said Martha Livengood, a happily married mother of three in Debuque, Iowa. “Shorties gosta be at da game, transpo`tin all da time, yo. Feels, you know, like fiddy pa-cent my time I’s cooking (and aint da good kind’o cooking ya feel?) cleanin’ n mo’ transpo`tin. Dat Stan-did man, yo, dat kinda time sava save my time, en help make sho’ I don’t do no time, feel?”

The four models being lost in the hubbub over the Crackberry are the Blackberry Onyx, Magnum, Pearl 3G and Gemini, however RIM’s stock was still up over 4.2% after the bell Friday.

The Dalai Lama Teaches Primary School Class

Johnny Gonzales — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 16:49:43 +0000

The Dalai Lama is causing trouble again. The mutually suspicious but financially lucrative relationship between China and the U.S. hit a small bump in the road last week. That bump was a bald man with a permanently serene smile welded onto his Tibetan head. His Holiness the Dalai Lama was in Washington to receive a Congressional Gold Medal and to meet with George Bush. Numerous focus groups from Europe and the U.S. informed the White House that any time the President spent within the peaceful aura of the Dali Lama would help to improve his image as a war mongering fool. There only remained the problem of the Chinese…

Ever since Chairman Mao decided for political reasons to invade Tibet soon after World War II, to divert attention from the catastrophic famine sweeping China at the time, the Chinese Government have taken the “none of your beeswax” approach to discussing the Tibet issue. One Asian historian recently presented evidence that suggests the Chinese army were told prior to the invasion of Tibet that The Forbidden City of Lhasa was built with marzipan and almonds and any soldier could help himself to the confectionary city. The historian sites as evidence the numerous tooth marks that can be seen on the foundations of the wall to The Forbidden City and the unusually large number of dentist surgeries still operating in Lhasa due to the number of teeth broken on the not so sweet masonry.

These days any mention of Tibet has sent sparks of righteous indignation through the sharply dressed members of the Chinese Polit Bureau, especially in these sensitive moments leading up to the Olympics. Lush for London and Yahoo News scooped this unusually emotional response from the Chinese Foreign Minister:

“We solemnly demand that the U.S. cancel the extremely wrong arrangements,” said Chinese Foreign Minister Yang (sweet tooth) Jiechi in Beijing. “It seriously violates the norm of international relations and seriously wounded the feelings of the Chinese people and interfered with China’s internal affairs.” After giving the interview Mr Jiechi went and sulked in the corner giving the assembled Press evil looks while trying not to cry.

When the Foreign Minister had calmed down he showed us pictures of tens of thousands of Chinese citizens looking upset and on the verge of tears. The Lushforlife Chinese correspondent later commented that there was no way of knowing if these unhappy Chinese citizens were crying tears of regret that President Bush was to meet with the exiled leader of Tibet or some thing more meaningful to the people such as, The Mattel Toy factory they worked at being closed down (due to the lead paint and design flaws in the latest Barbie), or maybe their children being sold on the Chinese black market (current prices range from $500 to $3000 ), or even lack of sun light due to humungous amounts of coal burning fire stations in the Northern regions (The photo was black and white but had been taken with colour film).

Back in the States there was another reason the Dalai Lama had taken the time to visit Washington and the President, one that had been kept out of the published itinerary. The last time His Holiness visited the President, the Dalai Lama was keen to know if Bush could pick out Tibet on a map of the world. When the President pulled out a map of America and started to scan through the States he knew, the Dalai Lama bowed his head and sighed. He promised to return and give Bush a geography lesson.

We had hoped that the Lush for Life spy cam that we had installed in the Oval Office would be able to pick up on this primary school level geography class but in his wisdom the Dalai Lama jammed our attempts to eavesdrop so as to protect this fragile mind from ridicule. However, The President was seen leaving the oval office sucking on a lollypop so we know that he must have got at least one question right, either that or the Dalai Lama believes that every person deserves a sweet for trying.

“Tase Me, Bro!” Says Sadomasochistic USF Student

Guest Writer — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 01:04:51 +0000

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University Police during a question and answer session with Jack Hanna at the Sun Dome. Myers, a senior majoring in anthropology, insinuated that the host of the popular TV show Jack Hanna’s Animal Adventures continued his relationship with animals off camera. “Is it true that you get lonely after filming your show? I mean; you of all people would know that monkeys are down for anything. Maybe even a little hand job action. And look at that sexy thing over there; you’ve got to be kidding me that you never noticed the super suction on that anteater’s nose! I bet you put your moccasin in there at least one time just to see how it feels; I know I would!” Myers said to a cheering crowd.
“Wait, I’m not even done yet; I still have another question! Is the whole ‘put peanut butter on your testicles and have your dog lick it off’ thing true? I’m sure you could give us some expert testimony on that one! I really want to know!” continued Myers as his microphone was cut off and police escorted him to the back of the arena. “Excuse me! Whoa, whoa, whoa, is anybody watching this?! Hell yes! Get on me! Get your hands all over me! Don’t help! Don’t Help! Are you kidding?! I got this under control! You’re arresting me?! What are you doing?! Is this what you call being physical? Don’t help! Don’t help! I’m OK! I’m OK! That feels so good! Get on me! Get on me! Get the officer over there not doing anything with the big arms to get on me! Help me! Help! I want that buff officer to rub my nipples! They’re arresting me! This is all going by too fast!” Myers said as he was apprehended by police and warned he would be Tasered if his behavior continued.
As police pinned him to the ground, Hanna went on to address the crowd by answering that he has not, to his knowledge, ever engaged in bestiality, but Myers continued his rambunctious behavior. “Get on me, man! What the fuck are you waiting for? Tase me, bro!” he said as he was finally Tasered and shrieked with ecstasy to a stirred up crowd. Myers was eventually apprehended and taken to a local jail, where he spent the night on bond and faces charges of resisting an officer and disturbing the peace.
A statement released by Myers to the media indicates that he is in good spirits about the ordeal. “I can’t believe they actually Tasered me! That’s fucking awesome! And all I had to do was fight for my right to free speech! But seriously, it wasn’t anything like you see on “Cops”. They treated me like I was so damn fragile and I didn’t even get to bust a nut. But the room full of animals and students watching definitely made up for it; it was such a rush! You should have seen the look on that koala’s face: it looked like he wanted to get in on the action, too! And I would have let him if it wasn’t for the police fucking the whole thing up!”
Myers and his attorney are not expected to press charges.

Nancy Drew: Terrorist Spy

Guest Writer — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 00:54:56 +0000

WASHINGTON – US Press Secretary Dana Perino arrived at the podium, the air heavy with tension, when she broke the news that heralded super-sleuth Nancy Drew had been captured and now detained by the CIA at the infamous Guantanamo Bay terrorist repository in Cuba.
Perino, sullenly, addressed the awaiting press: “Good morning, everybody… I have some disturbing news about heralded super-sleuth Nancy Drew: it appears that she has been conspiring with terrorist organizations to commit crimes against the United States. While I cannot go into detail, as we have an on going investigation, I can assure you that our intelligence is strong on this and you will be updated at the appropriate time. Now I will open the floor to your questions.”
“Thank you, Ms. Perino. Quentin Schaffer with the Carrollwood Neighborhood News. How long has Ms. Drew been working with the US government, and has she found the secret of the missing clock?”
“I cannot say how long Ms. Drew has been employed with us, and yes, I do believe she found the secret. Next question. Yes, you in the back with the handlebar mustache.”
“Hi. Chester Ringfield, Lush for Life News. How does our government send a young girl deep into enemy territory with no experience and nothing but a flash light and her wits to protect her?”
“Excuse me, sir; I will not have that perverse language in this room!”
“What?! All I said was ‘wits.’”
“Oh. You didn’t say ‘tits?’ (To her assistant) He didn’t say tits? You sure?
“Okay… I’m sorry; please proceed.”
“Thank you, Dana. My point was: don’t we have somebody else to do this job, like the Army Rangers or the Super Friends?”
“Well, Chester, the Rangers are busy protecting our borders from migrant workers and the Super Friends are on contract with a new Broadway play, ‘Shamus! Don’t Touch Me There’, starring Aqua Man as Shamus. (It’s a great play; I can get you balcony seats if you’d like.) What I can assure you of is that President Bush meet with Ms. Drew personally and he felt that she was more than qualified”
“That’s what makes this whole development the ever more disturbing. If President Bush can make this misjudgment, what hope is there for the rest of us?”
“Now, I must go. Thank you.”
We all were shuttled out like cattle. Passing through the outside doors, we were meet by a mob of protesters… but not any ordinary protesters: it was sea of has-beens, who’s-beens, almost-was-beens, that-guy-I-think-was-busted-with-that-other-guy-in-that-bathroom-stall-in-san-fran-you-know-who-I-mean-beens, wow-I-thought-he-died-of-aids-guess-not-beens, and never-will-be-… beens. And Ralph Macchio.
Unexpectedly, one of the Hardy Boys came up to me, reeking of man love and Old Stock cologne.
“Hey, man – you want the real story? Nancy was capture by al-Qaeda and was forced to watch old reruns of Magnum PI, so she had no choice other than to become a double agent.”
“Really?” I ask in amazement. “I didn’t think that Magnum was that bad; it had Tom Selleck and his kick-ass mustache.”
“You know nothing about 80’s sitcoms! T.J. Hooker could kick Tom Magnum’s ass!” “Fuck you, Encyclopedia Brown! Why don’t you take your ass back to San Francisco, or where ever the hell you’re from? Anyway, I thought you had AIDS… shouldn’t you be behind some truck stop making a buck from lonely truckers?”
“Oh my God,” in a pissy voice says Encyclopedia Brown.
“This, coming from the biggest queen ever, Sherlock. I mean, Jesus, why don’t you do some more ‘H’ and blow Watson?”
Out of nowhere, Fred from the Scooby Doo Gang comes in, still wearing that white shirt with popped collars, that freaking blue Afghan, and enough Botox to make Angela Lansbury’s cooter look edible.
“This whole fighting amongst each other gets us nowhere,” Fred shrilled. “We need to Stand up and take action… and now!”
Then: smash! People started throwing bottles and everything went black. I awoke two days later in a bathroom just outside of Georgetown University. My head was in a bandage, and I think I may have been raped; not a lot, but just enough to make me cry a little before bed every night.
This is Chester Ringfield, signing off.

L4L Mitt Romney Sit Down Interview

Guest Writer — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 00:53:05 +0000

Lush for Life’s newest intrepid reporter, Marriot A. Lamb, has been aware that Hillary Clinton has been getting more than her fair share of attention with regards to her proposed changes to the Health Care system.
He called Mitt Romney (who is at least a Presidential candidate with a full complement of decision-making organs) to get some perspective on her proposal.
Romney was in Salt Lake City buying more magic underwear for his campaign, but agreed to talk on condition that Marriot promised to become a Mormon. (You’d think he’d know by now that you can cross your fingers behind your back when you’re on a phone when no one can see you!)
Marriot A. Lamb: Governor Romney, you don’t agree with Senator Clinton that we can give everyone health care. But if universal health care was good enough for Massachusetts, why isn’t it good enough for the rest of the country?
Mitt Romney: Marriot, you have to understand that the people of Massachusetts are better than most Americans. They’re better than the citizens of any other developed nation in the world, so they were ready for what other advanced nations have: universal healthcare. But you can’t extend this kind of privilege to just anyone – like people living in the other states. So that’s why my new plan is to leave health care on a state-by-state basis. And remember that I specifically mentioned Texas as one state I wouldn’t touch.
MAL: Interesting. So your Massachusetts’ plan was not “European-style socialized medicine,” and her plan is?
MR: I would rather die a slow painful death than be covered by Hillary’s bonehead socialist plan, and I can also speak on behalf of the 45 million uninsured Americans on this issue. I have done intensive and extensive research, having spoken to my friends, all of whom agree with me, and I have also spoken to God while I was in the Temple (which is the only place to speak to God), and He is totally opposed to Hillary’s plan.
MAL: It’s wonderful how you stand up for 45 million Americans Governor… Now, if Senator Clinton is elected, and she does try to get Americans better healthcare, do you think that the insurance and drug lobbies will be able to get her to back down on these campaign promises?
MR: They will have to. It is un-American. How will the insurance companies make a profit if they are cut out of the loop? Aetna’s in every decent share portfolio there is! The rich are supposed to become richer and those who can’t afford to pay the premiums have only themselves to blame for not working harder and making more money. My proposal is that all the poor become Mormons and then God will provide for them. You have never met a poor Mormon, have you?
MAL: Not really, come to think of it. Why are there no poor Mormons Governor?

MR: It’s the magic underwear Marriot.
MAL: That’s a very thought-provoking answer. Can you FedEx me a couple of pairs of underwear? I can keep my promise to become a Mormon, and then I can make enough money to give up this crummy job.

O.J. Simpson and Ahmadinejad in Anti-Jewish Conspiracy

Duncan Idaho — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 00:37:56 +0000

WASHINGTON – To the casual news watcher this week, two stories stick out like George W. pronouncing “incandescent” correctly: Iranian President and international man of insanity Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s visit to New York, and former Heisman trophy winner and slasher-killer O.J. Simpson’s run in with the law. Though the two stories seem, on the surface, unrelated, Lush For Life’s crack (smoking) investigative team has uncovered a massive, international conspiracy, linking the two events together in ways even more disturbing than the Eagles’ cornea-searing throwback uniforms.
As darkness fell on the night of the 17th and the usual rations of rum and salvia were being handed out to the writing staff at Lush For Life’s downtown headquarters, our gargantuan editor-in-chief, Egbert Sousé, burst through the gold-plated swinging doors of the press room, wearing a circa 1940s lady’s chiffon robe, clearly intoxicated, and carrying a stack of papers in one hand and a John Gruden bobble-head doll in the other. Kicking his pink bunny slippers off his feet and sweating profusely, he began to scream obscenities across the MacBook Pro-lined desks, spitting what appeared to be Oreo remains as he yelled: “I need one of you losers clean and close to sober! This is huge, massive; nay, monstrous!” I made the mistake of making eye contact with the clearly senseless word-Nazi and had a stack of papers, half covered in mayonnaise and what looked like marinara sauce, thrown in my face. “Idaho, you hack, get that torch lighter out of your filthy paws and get to DC before I rape you with a rusty colander! OUT!”
Having barely escaped with my life and dignity intact, I sobered up on the flight to DC with a delightful cocktail and some light reading of the sauce-covered documents my editor had paper-cut my face with. As my head cleared and I moved on to my third Manhattan, I realized that between the pasta and salad adornments lay a wealth of information on Nicole Brown Simpson, the murdered ex-wife of the great comedic actor, O.J. Simpson. The docket appeared to be leaked CIA intel, implying that Nicole Simpson, who was born in Germany, was actually the last remaining specimen of the Nazi genetic engineering experiments. She had been specially designed by remnants of Hitler’s scientists to create the ultimate tolerant Aryan. One who would have all the hallmarks of the Nazi ideal, but win over support and power for the German people by being a perfect person in both appearance and heart.
On arriving in our nation’s capital of white buildings and black faces, I went straight to the Library of Congress and requested all the information they had on O.J. Simpson and Nazis, however, it appeared that I had mistaken “Al’s Big Titty Bonanza” for the Library of Congress. Not to be disheartened, I began to pump the employees for information. It didn’t come cheap either; I racked up over $850 on the Lush For Life company credit card I had lifted from our editor’s laced-lined pocket. But my gamble paid off. One of the young ladies I… um… interviewed, delightfully named Sparkle, was intimate with O.J. as well as the details of his trial, most of her information coming from a DC insider publication simply called “Us”.
As it turns out, O.J. was a rabid Anti-Semite, and had married Nicole Brown knowing that she was the product of Nazi scientists. O.J. had often confided in Sparkle that if he had to be called into another NFL owners’ meeting with a Jew, he would kill someone. It had all fallen apart in June of 1994 when Simpson heard rumors of the Glazer family buying the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and simultaneously discovered that Nicole was sleeping with Ron Goldman (clearly an evil Jew). O.J. snapped and slashed them, but never got to the Glazers as he was soon arrested and charged with the murders of Nicole and Ron. And we all know how that turned out.
I paid my tab and left with more questions than I arrived with. Sparkle gave me an autographed, silver hipflask that O.J. used to hand out, this one made out to someone called “Cecilia,” whoever that was.
So what did any of this have to do with O.J.’s recent run in with the law? Sure, we all know the story spewed out by the liberal, drive-by media: that O.J. held some people at gunpoint and stole some sports memorabilia, but the stench of the heist is enough to raise even the least paranoid reporter’s eyebrow.
On the cab ride back to the airport, I managed to scrape a final slathering of pizza sauce off the CIA docket, and almost vomited with surprise. “Dallas International!” I screamed to the panicking cabbie as I pulled at his steering wheel.
As I racked up my frequent flyer miles and blood alcohol level, I reexamined my info. There it was, in black and white and mayo: phone calls between O.J. and a secure-line deep in the Iranian embassy back in 2006. What could the calls mean? Tourist visas? Autograph session requests? A wrong number? How did any of this get out?
When I landed in New York, I called the number on the CIA letterhead of the intel docket, and spoke to a lovely young lady with a voice like maple syrup that answered all my questions. Samantha told me that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been trying to recruit O.J. to work as a cultural attaché for the deranged world leader. She then remembered where she worked and hung up on me.
As I sat in the hallowed halls of Columbia University’s lecture hall waiting for the bearded Middle Eastern Exec to begin his speech, it struck me like a poorly fitting gloved hand striking a blade into my chest. O.J. has a marked hatred of Jews, a formidable build and proven speed, a strong propensity to slice open people’s throats, and now, the necessary skills required in breaking and entering, armed robbery, and kidnapping. O.J. and the Iranian Government: a match made in heaven! What’s even better is that, due to O.J.’s financial difficulties, he hasn’t been doing anything to make money, because it would go to straight to paying off the $30 million he owes for the wrongful death civil suit. But if he were living and earning in Iran, the courts and the Goldmans would have a hard time picking his pockets. He would live a life of luxury and ease while been given carte blanche to pick and choose who he can kill!
As the terrible reality of one of America’s favorite pastimes (namely celebrity criminal trail watch) losing its greatest players to a foreign nation dawned on me, I began to feel incredible depressed. The drowning voice of the translator, and the awful acoustics of the hall made me feel even worse. Fortunately, I took solace in the fact that I had my shiny “To Cecilia, best wishes – O.J. Simpson” hip flask full of Wild Turkey 101 in my jacket pocket, knowing that Ahmadinejad would not approve.

Fashion to Fund Terror

Duncan Idaho — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 23:14:45 +0000

As more and more celebrities are discovering the cash cow that is the fashion industry, one has to ask the question: just because you wear clothes, should you be designing them? Celebs like Jessica Simpson are finding out that you don’t need to be a talented actress or singer to still make money; a line of cute coats and perfumes can be just as profitable.
But you don’t have to be a marginally talented musician in order to cash in on people’s need to have a taste of celebrity at home, as it now appears that terrorist leader and would-be fashion designer Osama bin Laden will be releasing a new fashion line in mid-September.
Last week, the al-Qaeda top dog released his first video statement since October 2004, in which he tells Americans that they should convert to Islam, as well as calling the Democrats pussies for not ending the war in Iraq and praises the anti-war writings of Noam Chomsky and Michael Scheuer. But the content of the message was ignored, in favor of the much more interesting color change in bin Laden’s beard. Speculation has been rampant over the reason for the cosmetic enhancement to the most-wanted’s whiskers, until today when a second video was released featuring an in-depth interview with bin Laden.
The interview, conducted by MTV’s Sway Calloway from a secret location, explained the dye job and much, much more.
“You see,” said the terrorist leader dressed in a , “it all came to me when my boy, Adam Yahiye Gadahn, arrived with a bag-o-bling and cash for some… um… venture… in a gorgeous Kitson tote bag. I asked him where he acquired such a delightful minaudière and he introduced me to the Paris’ Kitson website, where I found the most stunning Kitson LA Bouffant Drawstring Pants in a pastel blue. They are simply the most comfortable things I have found to lounge about the cave in, not to mention that my ass looks fabu in them.
“Then I thought to myself, ‘Osama, what is Paris Hilton really famous for?’ Being famous? Being famous for being famous is just silly. I, on the other hand, am the leader of the most infamous group in the world; I am way more of a badass than Jay-Z, and he makes millions of that Rocawear [junk]. I bought a watch from them and it broke, like, three months later. You know how difficult it is to find a good jeweler in the Waziristan region of Pakistan? Freaking impossible.”
As a result, the al-Qaeda leader-in-hiding, decided to start his own clothing line called “Bin Here!” featuring a full set of T-shirts, sweatpants, tote bags, and sneakers. There are also plans in the works to turn an ex-chemical weapons lab into a fragrance manufacturing plant for Mr. bin Laden’s new perfume line, simply called “Osama”. Inspired by the war in Iraq, al-Qaeda recruitment is at an all time high and it appears that opium sales and Iranian donations are simply not enough to feed, train, and equip the massive influx to the ranks. A clothing and shoe line might just be the thing to foot the bill.
When Sway asked whose clothing lines he respected, Mr. Bin Laden replied:
“Well I really like a lot of them, especially Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore, Kanye West, Sean ‘P. Diddy’ Combs (love his music), Milla Jovovich, Paula Abdul, J. Lo (what can I say about that ass?), Pamela Anderson (God, I love her), Elizabeth Hurley, Anna Nicole Smith (a classy lady), Hilary Duff, Mary-Kate and Ashley (so cute, so cute), Kelly Osbourne, Eminem, Jay Z, Nelly, Snoop Dogg (my boy), 50 Cent, Justin Timberlake (what a voice), Gwen Stefani, Mariah Carey, Beyoncé (can you say HOT?), and Bono (love his shades; hate his music).”
Many local and state governments have already decided to take action to cut off further lines of funding to terrorists by banning baggy pants and skimpy short-shorts in an attempt to stop the new line of clothing, with Georgia and Louisiana leading the way. The White House has yet to comment on the news, as they are in the difficult situation of not wanting to set a precedent in banning any Middle Eastern imports.

The New Kid in School gets into his First Playground Fight

Johnny Gonzales — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 23:02:17 +0000

General Jack Keane, architect of the US “surge” in Iraq, called British Prime Minister Gordon Brown a “yellow-bellied loser,” in referrence to the British Army turning tail and retreating from the strategically vital stronghold of Basra in the South of Iraq. British military sources have told Lush For Life that the withdrawal was part of the ongoing process of handing responsibilities over to Iraqi security forces.
I asked Keane, in a telephone interview, what his thoughts were on the devolution of power to local forces:
“You British guys are a bunch of pussies – either you got our back in this imperialist occupation or you don’t. Who said anything about training the locals to do anything? If we did that, we wouldn’t be in control, would we?”
David Miliband, the new Foreign Secretary in Britain said last night that “our decisions in Basra reflect the situation on the ground, above all the growing capacity of the Iraqi security forces, and are signed off by the Coalition and the Iraqi government.” Miliband went on to say that “General Keane can go fuck himself! Nobody calls the Prime Minister a coward and expects to get away with it.”
In an unprecedented escalation of the war of words between Downing Street and the US Military, Prime Minister Brown flew out to Baghdad last night to confront General Keane in person. Lush For Life was there to witness this new front in the Iraq war.
Prime Minister Brown, is a tough, no-nonsense Scot, is reported to have a decent left hook, and has been known to use a Scottish fighting technique affectionately referred to as “the Glasgow Kiss”, otherwise known as a head butt to the nose. The bare-knuckle fight that followed was brutal and frequently below the belt. The retired Secretary of the United Nations, Kofi Annan, turned up to referee the fight, but could in no way be called a fair referee due to his new found love of Scottish whiskey and his longstanding mistrust of the US forces in Iraq. Although General Keane put up a pretty good fight, he turned out to be no match for the kilt-wearing Brown.
When asked to respond to the fight between the British Prime Minister and the American General, President George “Dubya” Bush looked confused (more confused than normal) before saying to the world’s media, “What are you guys talking about? My buddy Tony Blair is still Prime Minister isn’t he?”

Gravel Campaign Powers Ahead

Frank Mackey — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 22:34:02 +0000

The 2008 Presidential election campaign of former Alaska senator Maurice Robert “Mike” Gravel powered forward this week, astonishing even the most experienced pundits. News media organizations from all over the nation swarmed to the Gravel campaign headquarters located in the second floor common room in Morrison Hall on the University of Alaska Anchorage campus. Reporters from prestigious newspapers such as the Northeast Madison County Times and Fairbanks High School Explorer were pulling hair and scratching eyes in order to get the best position to hear new poll numbers from the Gravel campaign’s press secretary and part-time massage therapist, Joan Shiller.
“People told us again and again it couldn’t be done,” said Shiller. “But our quiet, positive campaign to bring power back to the American people has begun to pick up steam. Over the past few weeks, our support among normal Americans has doubled from 4,000 to 8,000 registered voters likely to cast their ballot in favor of Senator Gravel. We have also raised nearly 200 dollars from various donors all over country, and, unlike most other candidates, none of that sum has come from special interest groups. I know it’s hard to believe in this day and age, but it is true nonetheless.”
When Hank Erickson, reporter for the Hank Erickson’s Thoughts website and auto mechanic, asked Shiller for her thoughts as to why the campaign is beginning to gain traction, her answer was clear. “We really believe the ‘viral video’ on the Internet of Senator Gravel staring at the camera for over a minute, throwing a rock into a lake and then walking away without saying a single word has had an impact on the electorate. They are connecting with the metaphor for how Americans need to cause ripples in society. Also, the Senator’s historic references to the fact that the ancient Spartan culture encouraged homosexuality among its warriors have allowed us to capture some of the gay vote.”
Another reporter, who refused to identify himself for fear he would be tortured by his alien masters, asked how the campaign possibly hoped to compete against the likes of Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama with the support of only a few thousand voters nationwide, compared to their millions. “Of course it is a challenge,” responded Mrs. Shiller. “However, if you’ll notice, our support has doubled in only one month. The Senator often reminds us of the ancient story of the prince who agreed to give his vizier a single grain of wheat and double it for every square of a chessboard. By the time the prince reached the end, he had to give the vizier over 18 quintillion pieces of grain. That’s the amazing power of compounding!”
When the reporter took the tin foil hat off of his head and ruminated that the campaign only had 4 months left, which is not anywhere near the 64 spaces on a chessboard, and, even if support did indeed double in each of those four months, it would only amount to 128,000 people (or less than one percent of the electorate), Shiller became irate. She folded up her portable lecturer and immediately ended the press conference. Although many reporters were disappointed, the students in the dorm were relieved to get their room back before movie night began

Candidates Release Medical Treatment Records

Frank Mackey — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 22:32:20 +0000

Continuing an obsession with secrecy seldom seen outside of the wards of mental institutions, the Bush administration revealed recently that the President underwent treatment for Lyme disease last year. Lyme disease is transmitted primarily by ticks and, apparently, Bush receives many tick bites during his normal bike rides, confirming that even his popularity rating among the insects has reached all-time lows.
The disease also has been associated with neuropsychiatric symptoms, including depersonalization, hallucinations, and panic attacks in its later stages. Doctors claim they successfully treated Bush’s disease in its early stages, well before any such symptoms could have arisen. However, since depersonalization is often defined as a lack of connection with reality, some questions do exist as to whether it is the symptom of a recalcitrant Lyme disease influencing Bush’s Iraq policy, although, other than in the hazed minds of Lush for Life reporters, no solid evidence has emerged to support this notion.
In light of this recent news out of the White House, all major candidates in the 2008 Presidential Race have released medical treatment records from the past few years. While most treatments received by the various candidates were benign, some of them were quite shocking.
Democratic contender Barrack Obama was perhaps the least interesting of all. He did not have any notable treatments for severe conditions. He did, however, have more than twenty prostate examinations in the past three years. Considering the average male of his age only needs one exam per year, and none of the examinations diagnosed him with any conditions, the announcement was a bit curious. The Obama campaign said, “Mr. Obama would just rather be safe than sorry.” But Obama did leave open some questions when he stated, “Who doesn’t enjoy a good prostate exam?”
Former Republican Governor Mitt Romney underwent treatment for severe sunburn on three separate occasions. Apparently, the sunburns resulted after he fell asleep using his home tanning bed. Romney is a heavy sleeper, so his regular alarm sometimes fails to wake him. The Romney campaign assured voters that a much louder alarm has been installed and that the sunburns will no longer be a problem.
John Edwards, the poster boy for the far-left of the Democratic Party, revealed that he had underwent no fewer than three separate Botox treatments and five chemical peels. This announcement, along with the scandal surrounding his $400 haircut, may serve to sink his campaign even further.
Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton’s records looked relatively normal. The one aberration occurred on August 19, 2004. The former first lady was admitted to the emergency room at approximately 11:30 that night and treated for a broken arm and black eye. She refused to comment on the treatments, but a campaign insider leaked that it was husband Bill Clinton’s birthday and Mrs. Clinton had forgotten the “safety word.”
Republican Senator John McCain’s recent misfortunes seem certain to be compounded by the announcement of his records. Apparently, the aged senator died from cardiac arrest about five months ago. The next day, he was medically reanimated [Now illegal, see Cover Story – Ed.]. While the campaign assured reporters this would have no bearing on his ability to perform Presidential duties, voters might not agree.
Finally, and most shocking of all, Republican Congressman Tom Tancredo revealed he has been undergoing extensive treatment for a variety of psychological conditions. Among the worst, the left-front quadrant of Tancredo’s brain has been medically certified as pure evil. While the other three quadrants have fought off the infection with some success, and doctors claim the anti-Satan injections directly into his spinal cord are working, the longevity of such experimental treatments is far from certain. The Tancredo campaign said the infection was a result of “illegal immigration” and vowed, for some illogical reason, to bomb the Islamic holy cities of Mecca and Medina as revenge.