This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. With announcements for three new phones from Sony, a new HTC Android device, four fantastic looking entries from Nokia and enough iPhone 3 rumors to fill a million bogs, picking the most interesting offering to write about has been tough. That is until Canadian market giant Research in Motion entered the fray with six new creations, including the new and highly controversial “Crackberry” line.

The Crackberry will reportedly come in two versions, Crackberry Standard and Crackberry Pro. The Pro edition will allow users to send and receive 256bit encrypted text messages, include a police band radio scanner, and utilize a sensitive scale, built in under the display, in conjunction with a custom app called “Big 8”. Other apps only available for the Pro edition will include “Blow up”, a tool for working out lidocaine-to-product ratios, “Bomb squad” a collaboration tool for street team management, and a new client management app simply called “Cluck”. All this on as well as some of the more familiar tools such as Wireless email, a media player and corporate data access.

“The Crackberry line of products was my idea,” proudly reported Co-CEO and Director James “Big Jim” Balsillie, in a press conference Thursday. “People have been using the term for so long now, that I figured, what hey, eh,” continued Balsilie, referring to the term coined to indicate how many Blackberry users are “addicted” to their phones. “And then it hit me, why not capitalize on that. I mean people gotta have what they gotta have, right…eh?” Balsillie, a famed philanthropist, athlete, Honorary Chair of the Peterborough YMCA’s Building New Memories Campaign and the ninth-richest person in Canada, is North America’s leading advocate for the legalization of Crack Cocaine (and a huge crack-head himself.)

The Crackberry Standard model will feature similar innovative features, such as a specially designed touch screen that will compensate for badly shaking hands, a special, fork-like prong near the USB port for scratching and a GPS receiver that will notify the user of any Crackberry Pro carriers in the area. Some have tech insiders have however criticized the device due to its lack of expandable memory and limited MIDI ring tones, but many users have cited the integration with BlackBerry® Enterprise Server for Novell® GroupWise® as more than enough to compensate for some of the shortfalls.
This reporter was fortunate enough to be allowed to interview one of RIM’s test users for the Standard edition. “Man, da Stan-ded may be spec-ed likes da Bold fo sho, but dis one’s fo` da ages,” said Martha Livengood, a happily married mother of three in Debuque, Iowa. “Shorties gosta be at da game, transpo`tin all da time, yo. Feels, you know, like fiddy pa-cent my time I’s cooking (and aint da good kind’o cooking ya feel?) cleanin’ n mo’ transpo`tin. Dat Stan-did man, yo, dat kinda time sava save my time, en help make sho’ I don’t do no time, feel?”

The four models being lost in the hubbub over the Crackberry are the Blackberry Onyx, Magnum, Pearl 3G and Gemini, however RIM’s stock was still up over 4.2% after the bell Friday.

WASHINGTON – To the casual news watcher this week, two stories stick out like George W. pronouncing “incandescent” correctly: Iranian President and international man of insanity Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s visit to New York, and former Heisman trophy winner and slasher-killer O.J. Simpson’s run in with the law. Though the two stories seem, on the surface, unrelated, Lush For Life’s crack (smoking) investigative team has uncovered a massive, international conspiracy, linking the two events together in ways even more disturbing than the Eagles’ cornea-searing throwback uniforms. Continue Reading

As more and more celebrities are discovering the cash cow that is the fashion industry, one has to ask the question: just because you wear clothes, should you be designing them? Celebs like Jessica Simpson are finding out that you don’t need to be a talented actress or singer to still make money; a line of cute coats and perfumes can be just as profitable.
But you don’t have to be a marginally talented musician in order to cash in on people’s need to have a taste of celebrity at home, as it now appears that terrorist leader and would-be fashion designer Osama bin Laden will be releasing a new fashion line in mid-September.
Last week, the al-Qaeda top dog released his first video statement since October 2004, in which he tells Americans that they should convert to Islam, as well as calling the Democrats pussies for not ending the war in Iraq and praises the anti-war writings of Noam Chomsky and Michael Scheuer. But the content of the message was ignored, in favor of the much more interesting color change in bin Laden’s beard. Speculation has been rampant over the reason for the cosmetic enhancement to the most-wanted’s whiskers, until today when a second video was released featuring an in-depth interview with bin Laden. Continue Reading

Continuing an obsession with secrecy seldom seen outside of the wards of mental institutions, the Bush administration revealed recently that the President underwent treatment for Lyme disease last year. Lyme disease is transmitted primarily by ticks and, apparently, Bush receives many tick bites during his normal bike rides, confirming that even his popularity rating among the insects has reached all-time lows.
The disease also has been associated with neuropsychiatric symptoms, including depersonalization, hallucinations, and panic attacks in its later stages. Doctors claim they successfully treated Bush’s disease in its early stages, well before any such symptoms could have arisen. However, since depersonalization is often defined as a lack of connection with reality, some questions do exist as to whether it is the symptom of a recalcitrant Lyme disease influencing Bush’s Iraq policy, although, other than in the hazed minds of Lush for Life reporters, no solid evidence has emerged to support this notion. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON – “They hate our freedoms – our freedom of religion, our freedom of speech, our freedom to vote and assemble and disagree with each other.” Those were the famous words of our great leader, George W. Bush in his 2001 joint session of Congress. With the threat of terrorism around the world steadily rising, the White House has now decided that it is finally time to act on this philosophy to put an end to attacks on American interests. The new policy was disclosed yesterday when Senior White House Press Secretary, Tony Snow, described the well thought out plan:
“Since September 11th, we, the American people, have been living in fear of crazed Islamo-Fascists, homosexuals, illegal immigrants, liberals, scientists and other barbaric, Godless haters of Freedom, but now the time has come to fight back. With the ongoing war on terror in Iraq and Afghanistan going so well, we now think that it is time to start attacking the underlying causes of terrorism – namely, our freedoms.” Continue Reading

CUPERTINO, CA – It’s here! The iPhone has hit the shelves like a heroin-starved junkie hitting a methadone buffet. The Mac addicts are out in force, lining up in front of Apple stores all around the country, scaring women and children with their long hair, freethinking ideas, and dorky t-shirts. Lush For Life, being an Apple-only organization, was eager to get our hands on one of the highly anticipated smart phones, and succeeded (read our review on page X), but also to find out what really makes the iPhone so special.
Continue Reading

Across the United States, honeybee colonies are disappearing. Some beekeepers are reporting drops in colony populations as much as 25 percent and panic is starting to rise in the throats of economists, ecologists, and entomologists. As trivial as declining bee numbers appears to be on the surface, the reality is that honeybees are used to pollinate over 15-billion dollars worth of crops annually, so no bees means no food. The issue has become so worrisome of late that a congressional hearing will be launched in June to try and determine the cause of what is being called Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD). Continue Reading

STREETSVILLE, ON – The recent string of pet food poisonings which has lead to the death of many North American cats has left the pet-lovers’ community shocked and terrified.
Menu Foods Income Fund, the holding company that owns the suspected brands, has recalled all of their wet pet food products in an attempt to quell the loss of life. Speculation is abounding as to the source of the poison in the popular pet brands – everything from gluten from China to misused pesticides have been accused of killing kitties across America. In a stunning revelation, Lush For Life has uncovered that this is one of the only examples of a greedy corporate giant actually not being responsible for its dangerous product. The real origin of the noxious nosh: the Biker Mice From Mars. Continue Reading

“MOUNT RIVER, OR – Three hikers that were alleged to have been stranded on Oregon’s tallest mountain, Mount Hood, have been located working at Santa’ Sweatshop at the North Pole.

Pacific Northwest Correspondent W.E.B. Dubois cracked the story earlier tonight as he was investigating allegations of a child pornography ring centered at the Pole.

In my attempts to get to the bottom of this vile story of underage lust and debauchery, a much more interesting, nay, important tale of greed, racism, and hellish slave conditions that affect every man to his core reared its disgusting head.

It appears that Kris Kringle, Saint Nick, Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Jesus’ Excuse – whatever it is he is calling himself these days – is running the most despicable slave labor ring I have seen since George Washington’s forced-labor marijuana encampments.

Last night, as I was doing surveillance outside one of the seedier sex dens in Santa’s Kitchen, I saw light from yonder window break. I could see three grown men beckoning to me for help.

They introduced themselves as Jerry Cooke, Kelly James, and Brian Hall.

I immediately recognized their names as porn stars from an awesome S & M video from Amsterdam entitled Tie My Dick in a Knot, You Fat Whore, but they were quick to correct me.

They were actually only in Tie My Dick in a Knot, You Fat Whore 2: The Taste of Ass.

Apparently, they were hikers filming a new gay porno, tentatively called Gay Cowboys in Bondage: High Altitude Cum Shot Olympics 27, when a fat man in a red suit and hat corralled them and kidnapped them to work in a slave hovel at the North Pole.

I attempted to alert the White House of Santa’s slave factory and schedule a rescue of the men, but my T-Mobile Razr cell phone could not get service.

I only hope this does not reach you too late. I am cold and hungry, and I haven’t banged a white chick in at least a week.

WEBD

LushForLife immediately forwarded the preceding transcript to Henry Kissinger, and a carpet-bombing of the North Pole is scheduled for next Monday, the day Jesus was born.

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LONDON – The ambassador of Japan to Great Britain, Mr. Guijin Kusai, came to confess all at the London headquarters of Lush For Life. Kusai looked like an agitated octopus as he floundered about the reception area while he waited to be sent up to my office on the 52^nd floor. I stood up as Kusai was ushered in by my secretary. I went to shake his hand, but the volume of sweat dripping from his hands made me think twice. I bowed, offered him a seat and a towel instead.

“So, tell me, Mr. Kusai, to what do I owe the honour of such an auspicious guest in my humble office?”

“I just had to tell someone, I can’t rive with the guilt any ronger. There was no poison prot to kill that Russian spy Arexander Ritvinenko. No kill squad was sent by Moscow or any rogue erement in the Lussian Secret Service. Lumours that he set himself up as a martyr in order to make Putin rook guilty are also a red helling. It’s all been a huge mistake, and now my honour is on the rine; you have to help me.”

I raised my eyebrows just slightly, pressed the record button on my Dictaphone I had in my pocket, and made a mental note to cancel the game of squash I had lined up with Prince Harry.

“As you know, there just aren’t that many fish reft in the Atrantic Ocean. The ones your fishing freets are catching are so small they wouldn’t satisfy my cat’s appetite. On top of that, those blonde-haired, blue-eyed devils from Sweden and Denmark keep stearing your fish and there is not a damn thing you can do about it.

“Fish have become a valuable commodity since sushi became so popurar in Rondon. The sushi restaurants of Soho have become a battleglound. Yakuza owned sushi bars have been stearing shipments of fish from one another, waging a war of underhand sneakiness that even an American poritician would be impressed. This all got out of hand as such things do, especially when Japanese honour is concerned.

“Somehow, the Yakuza got hold of some poronium-210 and poisoned the fish at their rival’s sushi bar. This may seem a rittle out of proportion to the crime, but then again, we Japanese don’t rike to do things in small measures; Akiramenai, as we say in Japan. We just don’t know how to quit. It just so happened that they poisoned an ex-Lussian spy and now all hell has bloken roose.”

I went to my liquor cabinet and poured myself a glass of single malt. I handed another glass to my guest. I made another mental note to cancel dinner at my favourite sushi restaurant in Soho and book into the steak house next door instead, but it was just not going to be a good day for eating anything too rare or bloody.

“So what can I do for you in this interesting time?”

“I am here to tell you my stoly so you can splead the truth before I carry out the orders of my superiors. Now that you know of the terrible deeds committed by my countrymen on your soil, I must saclifice myself to purge their dishonour.”

I must admit that my first thought when seeing Kusai draw his katana from beneath his coat was that I would never be able to get the blood out of the new cream carpet that had only been laid the week before. Kusai looked up into the middle distance and recited his death poem, Ippo Machigau To! (One False Step? The Sword!) before plunging his sword into is belly, committing sepuku.

I sighed again, finished my whiskey in a gulp, hit the intercom, and spoke to my secretary.

“Charlotte, Mr. Kusai has had a little accident. Could you be a dear and call the cleaners in, and if you could also give the carpet fitters a call, that would be great. I will be down at The Club for the rest of the day so, if you could, transfer all my calls.”