Aries: Your life is gay this month.

Taurus: On January 29th, at exactly 10:42 PM, the police will knock on your door. When you open the door, they will begin to ask you questions regarding a murder in the neighborhood. You won’t be able to answer any of their questions, and they will leave, only to return the next day with a search warrant. Hide your LSD. Continue Reading

Aries: Unfortunately, your hair will fall out: but don’t worry… it will grow back on your ass.

Taurus: Adam Sandler will arrive at your doorstep and play the Chanukah Song in celebration of the holiday season, and for an extra $20 he will also reenact the crucifixion of Jesus Christ in your front lawn for all your neighbors to spectate and enjoy. Continue Reading

Aries: You have Bird Flu. Sorry. Better luck next time.

Taurus: In a bizarre science experiment, you will crossbreed a horse and a wolf. You will dub this new creature with the name “worse.” It will be really fucking cool. Continue Reading

Aries: Don’t fly on planes.

Taurus: Your hot temper and stubborn attitude will cause those close to you to keep their distance. In short, no one likes you…kill yourself. Continue Reading