You share your sign with J. D. Salinger.

Aquarius: You will become very involved in your work and/or hobbies this month; so much that it becomes an obsession. You will begin to talk incessantly about hunting birds and about pine nuts, peanuts, and pistachio nuts.

You share your sign with Christopher Guest.

Pisces: Get your White Sox on! Baseball will be your new best friend this month. You will yell and scream, and hopefully not get kicked out of the baseball game. You will also have to ask yourself, “Would you eat the moon if it were made out of ribs?”

You share your sign with Harry Caray.

Aries: You return to your simple cracker barrel roots when you develop a crush on a braided blonde country girl, so get out your moonshine and swill, because you’ve got a date with a deaf, dumb, and blind hillbilly.

You share your sign with Buddy Ebsen.

Taurus: No matter what happens to you this month, keep it funky and plead no contest.

You share your sign with James Brown.

Gemini: Like in Monopoly, sometimes you just got to go to jail. You befriend a white banker, play some harmonica, see Rita Hayworth films, and live out the rest of your days on the beach in Mexico. The only catch is, your job is to narrate for the rest of your life.

You share your sign with Morgan Freeman.

Cancer: Your testicles will finally drop. Congratulations! This is good news, of course, for all of you post-pubescent boys. Bad news for you, sister!

You share your sign with Allen Ginsberg.

Leo: Sorry, you die this month in a horrible accident on the autotrain. Guess you should have driven, lazyass!

You share your sign with George “Dubya” Bush.

Virgo: You will finally get that settlement you have been waiting for. Though it will be worth millions of dollars, you will bet it all on 13 Black at the roulette wheel in a cheesy reservation casino. You will lose and then be beaten by a mob of angry Native Americans after you insult them with ridicule of their fine sovereign lands.

You share your sign with Paul Harvey.

Libra: You will find out that you are adopted, and that your real mother has a rare type of diabetes that is passed down to the first-born child (you) in 99 percent of cases, and the mortality rate is zero.

You share you sign with Arthur Rimbaud.

Scorpio: You will do nothing at all this month, unless you consider sitting on your fat ass watching A-Team reruns something.

You share your sign with Joseph McCarthy.

Sagittarius: Lesbian albino rhinos will stampede your home, leaving you crippled and your cat with post-traumatic stress disorder. Your insurance company will confuse your claim with your kitty’s, and it will be denied.

You share your sign with Mary Todd Lincoln.

Taurus: Look forward to a trip this month. You will be required to take a business class flight to an exotic locale to sweet-talk an attractive, single executive into a set of beach condos that you will have to visit for a month every six months. On the flight over you will wake up in a panic and realize you are blind. Screaming in terror, you will cause a massive scene until you are restrained and arrested by an air marshal, who will remove your sleep-mask.

Cancer: You will become strangely enticed by a photo of a nude, sliced-up young girl in a brief case you saw on populationpaste.com. The images will remain with you for weeks until your bloodlust overpowers you and are forced to waste $2,300 on a Jean Paul Gaultier overnight bag.

Sagittarius: A terrible smoking accident will lead to you coughing up a lung. When the medical staff is presented with your lung, they won’t believe that it’s possible, and not believe you. I suggest bookmarking this page so you can show them this prediction to lend credibility to your story.

Capricorn: After a 3 day drug binge, an early morning session of Christian Television Network watching will introduce you to “”On Wings of Eagles”". Being moved to tears and in a completely irrational state of mind, you will decide to donate all that you own to CTN in order to get Jews out of Russia and into Palestine. This will be a poor decision – don’t do drugs.

Virgo: The decision whether or not to buy a PlayStation 3 will begin tearing your family apart. Not only will the dazzling graphics, smooth game-play, and sleek design put strain on your personal relationships, but the stunning array of titles will add tension to most situations at work, with your children, and your pets. Buy an Xbox 360; it’s less expensive and sucks, so it will not endanger your marriage.

Gemini: After a passionate night with a beautiful pseudo-celebrity, he or she will confess that they were drunk, have a deadly STD, and married to an extremely jealous homicidal maniac who has them followed by a team of ninja assassins. Goodbye.

Scorpio: After watching a thrilling rugby match at a quaint English-style pub, you will decide to try out for a local community rugby team. After a humiliating warm-up lap around the field, you will break your collarbone and left leg in a relatively soft tackle. For the next few years you will never talk about rugby to anyone, until the mental anguish has died down, and you will return to calling it a pussy sport for people not tough enough to play football.

Pisces: A disgruntled employee will alert the police that you have been parking in the company handicapped spot for the last three years because you’re too cheap to buy a parking permit. You’ll know whom it was when they burst out laughing as the police arrest you in the middle of a company lunch. Cut a plea deal by telling them about the meth you purchased from that employee which he makes in his apartment. I suggest reading the Prisoner’s Dilemma and a bit of Nash.

Libra: A disappointing bikini waxing will leave you feeling violated and cold. Some of the ripping and tearing along the sides of your genitalia will take weeks to heal, but the callous laughs of the toothless Asian woman who burnt your privates will take years to fade.

Leo: Congratulations! You will win a trivial amount of money from a scratch card at a grocery store with a cashier with a lazy eye. Unfortunately, by the time you get home, you will not be able to find the small sum. Searching your car, however, will reveal loose change worth about 23 cents more than your winnings, but for some reason this will depress you even more.

Taurus: Google will refuse to load on your home PC for some reason. Every few hours you will check again, but it won’t let you in to your customized home page, gmail, or news page. The fact that you can get to every other site on the Internet will frustrate you to the point of madness when you realize that without Google, you are nothing. Tears will run freely when your significant other types in www.google.com and it pops up first time.

“

Taurus: Some people never learn… much like you. Stop studying for that pesky test; cheat off your neighbor. That is the only way you will pass, stupid. We have test that prove you are stupid, so why waste all that time? Get drunk, instead.

Cancer: You dumb shit. Didn’t you hear? Spinach is infected with e. coli. You just had to have that white spinach pizza, didn’t you? Turn on the news, once in a while, and then maybe you wouldn’t be dead.

Sagittarius: The weight-loss regimen you are trying will not work. You won’t care, though, because you will become addicted to cocaine, and when you run out of money and begin sucking dick for blow, you will totally shed some serious pounds.

Capricorn: Do no attempt to fain illness this month to get out of work and go on that Internet date. Your companion will turn out to be your boss, in drag. He will deny being Isabelle (the woman you thought you were speaking to for the last month), and claim that he was following you in disguise to find out if you were really sick. You will be fired.

Virgo: Good news! You will discover that you are one of the most naturally gifted swimmers the world has ever known, thanks to the keen eye of a YMCA lifeguard. Unfortunately you will be transferred to a small mining town in Western Nebraska, in which not one swimming pool, lake, or kiddie pool exists.

Gemini: In a horrible coffee accident, you will loose the sensation to taste spicy foods for the next five months. My advice is to make sure you have medical insurance, as you will not find out about the disorder until you have given yourself a stomach ulcer from drenching everything you eat in Tabasco sauce.

Scorpio: Format your hard drive, you sick son of a bitch! All of that kiddie porn is sure to get you arrested. Then again, you deserve it, pervert?

Pisces: While watching a weekly NFL football game, you will trip over a large collection of audio cables, falling on the coffee table and spilling all of your friend’s beers. Upon further review from instant replays your roommate records from his digital streaming security cameras, it will be determined you were attempting to ‘tuck’ the beer bottles as you were falling, and will you will not be held responsible for wasting all the beer.

Libra: While at a dance club, you will attempt to perform a new dance you saw on in an Arabic music video. You will inadvertently injure a shot girl who is on the dance floor, but instead of being thrown out, you will be offered a job as the headline performer at a gay bar down the street.

Leo: After arriving home from a night at a dance club, you will be incredibly drunk and will write a new rambling, drunken blog on myspace. Your blog will work its way through the channels of the Internet, and literary critics will dissect your writing and deem you a visionary writer superior to Hemingway. As a result, you will find yourself on a panel show with Pat O’Brien, discussing the important happenings in the lives of celebrities.

Taurus: On the arrival of the new moon, you will find an urge to strip naked and roll around in your bathroom tub, full of raw pork sausages and pig uteruses. You will tell your friends what you did, and it will become a new thing to do on Tuesday nights.

Taurus: Rats will attempt to make a home within your drywall. Don’t worry; they will contract a rare rodent decease inside the walls from an ex-pet hamster belonging to a young girl who lived in your house with her family twelve years ago. The stench of the decaying rat carcasses will drive you to move in with an annoying, but attention-seeking friend who will keep you up for a week with his monstrous snoring.

Cancer: Do not attempt to try anything new this month – you will fail. Wait till October to install that new operating system you’ve been reading about, otherwise, you will destroy all the illegal MP3s and poorly lit family vacation photos you haven’t backed up. I’m right, aren’t I? You haven’t backed up anything, ever.

Sagittarius: You will contract a nasty yeast infection. It doesn’t matter how much of that probiotic yogurt you ingest since some pseudo-scientist told you to that night you were drunk at 4am watching Christian Television Network – it won’t work. Invest in some cotton underwear.

Capricorn: You will contract contact dermatitis as result of working with photographic chemicals and your company will not pay for your medical treatment. Get a better job.

Virgo: You will eat too much sushi at a cheap Japanese restaurant and you will feel sick immediately. Unfortunately, that last piece of yellowtail was poisoned with arsenic. Goodbye.

Gemini: You are a cheap slut who cheats on your significant other and you will pay for it in the afterlife. You will also get fat from birthing too many retarded children.

Scorpio: Being an undercover narcotics agent is evil work, and you will pay for it, this month, as a suspected drug runner will gouge out your eye with a used, AIDS-infected heroin needle. Go fuck yourself, Narc.

Pisces: You will get stuck in a place you don’t want to be. Just as you try to make your escape, a 7-horned goblin will leap from the shadows and offer you a glass of warm milk. You decline, offer the goblin a shot of amyl nitrate, and the goblin will die. Score one for you.

Libra: A love interest will surface by the rise of the new moon. You will attempt to court this interest by using your indescribable charm and splitting wit. Your ultimate goal of achieving a life long love will fall short when you get hammered on Mint Juleps and proceed to sing the entire score of Moulin Rouge out-of-key.

Leo: A night of drinking with your closest friends will involve a gallon jug of brake fluid and Old Crow. Even though you at first will be reluctant, go ahead and join them. You will discover a new love for the Genitorturers.

Taurus: While grocery shopping, a very attractive person of the opposite sex will approach you and take you back to their home. You get excited at the idea of sleeping with this person – until they sneak up behind you and suffocate you with a rag drenched in chloroform. You will wake up being anally rape by a pack of rabid Dobermans. Your host will be gracious enough to offer you a meal afterward – a Hungry Man Salisbury Steak Dinner. Enjoy.

Taurus: You will have a dream that you are a tall woman who is disappointed in the size of her large feet. Upon awaking, you will realize it was just a dream, unless you are actually a tall woman who is disappointed in the size of her large feet? If that is the case, you have a high percentage chance of falling in love with a non-human, this month.

Gemini: Your child will fall and hit his head on a rock, this month, and it will cause slight retardation. Don’t worry, though: he was destined to be a fry cook a McDonald’s, anyhow.

Cancer: As your sign implies, you have cancer. It won’t be noticeable just yet, but get your next scheduled colonoscopy on time, or it will be too late.

Leo: The Wizard of Oz + Dark Side of the Moon will change your life? Not in a good way, though. You will be watching while under the influence of psilocybin mushrooms and your brain will get stuck chanting, ‘Home. Home again.’ Forever. And ever.

Virgo: Though you thought your family was normal, you will find out that they are actually even more normal than you thought when you realize that they actually have 2.5 kids.

Libra: After watching a Joyce Meyer sermon on Christian Television Network, you will realize that everyone in your life is a tool of Satan. There will be very little you will be able to do about this except donate a tenth of your income to the Church and hope that God will intervene and they will all die in a freak catamaran accident.

Scorpio: Avoid people with mustaches at all costs. If you don’t, you will fall hopelessly in love with one of them and they will turn out to have a secret family living somewhere near Tarpon Springs, FL.

Sagittarius: Congratulations! If you are reading this you have been very lucky. Without your knowledge, you escaped an extremely painful death by not going to the mall last Thursday. I can’t go into details, but it would have involved a short ugly woman and a massive blunt bread knife.

Capricorn: Cats will be bad luck for you this month. If at all possible, stay away from a Chinese dish called “Phoenix Chasing Dragon”. If you live in China, this would be a good month to become a vegetarian.

Aquarius: An ex love interest will call you from Nepal this month. They will confess that they have thought about you every day for the last six years and are miserable without you. They will then throw themselves off a cliff when you admit that you don’t really remember them.

Pisces: You will be going on a trip. At the airport, a strange Arab man will offer to help you with your bags. You will accept and then later recount the story to the check-in lady. Security will then brisk you away to a concrete room and subject you to a humiliating and painful cavity search. Later, after you have missed your flight and security have found nothing, you will go back to the terminal and see the Arab man working the X-Ray machine with a smile.

Sagittarius: Don’t go to work this week. Call in sick instead. If you do go, you will get robbed on your way in, and will try to fight back to keep your wallet containing twenty dollars. You will lose and will suffer a mild concussion.

Gemini: Your dog will lick peanut butter off of your feet and get a stomachache. Fido will then vomit all over you priceless collection of Garbage Pail Kids cards, making them worth less than nothing.

Scorpio: Your watch will fail in the middle of the night for five minutes. It will screw up your whole day, as you will be five minutes late on everything, including that joke your boss told you, resulting in your termination.

Taurus: Your friends are shitheads who can’t be counted on for anything and think you are a stupid asshole when you ask them to live up to their simple obligations. Get new friends.

Libra: Your friends aren’t that bad; you are just very finicky and moody. Lighten up, once in a while, and everything will be fine.

Aries: While suffering from a bad case of diarrhea, you will buy some anti-diarrheal medicine that was accidentally switched with canine heartworm medicine. You will suffer no adverse side effects, but will attempt to sue the manufacturer. You will lose your case.

Capricorn: Don’t go to the mall on Thursdays this month, I can’t go into it, but trust me… DON’T GO!

Leo: A young woman will come to your house and ask you to sign a petition regarding water purity levels. You will sign it thinking that it’s to make water purer. This will turn out to be a scam and you will have signed up for live organ donation… sign it if you want to.

Aquarius: LushForLife.com will become an obsession with you and your friends. You will dedicate all your free time to reading the stories and even writing a few yourself. Disappointment overcomes you when your story gets accepted and has been completely edited, losing all its meaning. Don’t kill yourself. If you do, please write a humorous suicide note for us to post unedited.

Virgo: You will eat a wonderful Chinese dinner with friends and family. The meal will be inexpensive and you will all comment on the great value, but your mood will turn sour when you find your fortune cookie empty.

Pisces: Danny Albertson will flat out lie to you and tell you he will write four horoscopes and then will neglect to do any, leaving more work for you and the rest of your staff.

You share your sign with J. D. Salinger.

Aquarius: You will become very involved in your work and/or hobbies this month; so much that it becomes an obsession. You will begin to talk incessantly about hunting birds and about pine nuts, peanuts, and pistachio nuts.

You share your sign with Christopher Guest.

Pisces: Get your White Sox on! Baseball will be your new best friend this month. You will yell and scream, and hopefully not get kicked out of the baseball game. You will also have to ask yourself, ‘Would you eat the moon if it were made out of ribs?’

You share your sign with Harry Caray.

Aries: You return to your simple cracker barrel roots when you develop a crush on a braided blonde country girl, so get out your moonshine and swill, because you’ve got a date with a deaf, dumb, and blind hillbilly.

You share your sign with Buddy Ebsen.

Taurus: No matter what happens to you this month, keep it funky and plead no contest.

You share your sign with James Brown.

Gemini: Like in Monopoly, sometimes you just got to go to jail. You befriend a white banker, play some harmonica, see Rita Hayworth films, and live out the rest of your days on the beach in Mexico. The only catch is, your job is to narrate for the rest of your life.

You share your sign with Morgan Freeman.

Cancer: Your testicles will finally drop. Congratulations! This is good news, of course, for all of you post-pubescent boys. Bad news for you, sister!

You share your sign with Allen Ginsberg.

Leo: Sorry, you die this month in a horrible accident on the autotrain. Guess you should have driven, lazyass!

You share your sign with George ‘Dubya’ Bush.

Virgo: You will finally get that settlement you have been waiting for. Though it will be worth millions of dollars, you will bet it all on 13 Black at the roulette wheel in a cheesy reservation casino. You will lose and then be beaten by a mob of angry Native Americans after you insult them with ridicule of their fine sovereign lands.

You share your sign with Paul Harvey.

Libra: You will find out that you are adopted, and that your real mother has a rare type of diabetes that is passed down to the first-born child (you) in 99 percent of cases, and the mortality rate is zero.

You share you sign with Arthur Rimbaud.

Scorpio: You will do nothing at all this month, unless you consider sitting on your fat ass watching A-Team reruns something.

You share your sign with Joseph McCarthy.

Sagittarius: Lesbian albino rhinos will stampede your home, leaving you crippled and your cat with post-traumatic stress disorder. Your insurance company will confuse your claim with your kitty’s, and it will be denied.

You share your sign with Mary Todd Lincoln.

You share your sign with Robin Williams

Taurus: You get a raise! Finally, your hard work is paying off. You know have it all. Now all you need is a Brillo pad to cuddle up with at night.

You share your sign with Jack Nicholson.

Gemini: Your mother stops breast-feeding you this month. And in other good news, you learn to do the tango with lessons from a transvestite addicted to crack. Plan your money wisely, for the stars predict unexpected psychologist bills in your near future.

You share your sign with Marilyn Monroe.

Cancer: Keep a watchful eye out this month. You might get hit by a truck.

You share your sign with Princess Diana.

Leo: The universe urges you to tackle the problems in your life this month. But you’re such a coward you tackle the sand. You get your head stuck in the ground and need to the fire department to bail you out.

You share you sign with Patrick Swayze.

Virgo: You are going to experience a lot of change this month. Relationships are going to evolve and shift. This is all brought about because you realize that you are gay and your need to come out of the closet. Even better news is you win the lottery the third week of the month.

You share your sign with Elton John.

Libra: You like to do things your way, and you are very stubborn in doing anything other than what you want to do. This month you will develop bed sores and gout from being too stubborn to leave your bed for anything but a drink.

You share your sign with Al Pacino (Hoo-ahh!).

Capricorn: Try to conserve your energy and drink a lot of water. There is a high chance of getting sick this month, for you might walk into a bizarre restaurant and eat delicious food just to be told when you get the bill that it was sheep balls.

You share your sign with Steven Soderberg and Cary Grant.

Aquarius: This month you are going to go on an adventure to Amsterdam. There you will experience psychedelic hash and absinth. This will be the time of your life.

You share your sign with Lee Marvin.

Pisces: You are naturally a genius. You take some acid and get lost is your world of highbrow topics and land of grandeur. Unfortunately, you never snap out of it and live the rest of your days in a mental institution. On the upside, you ‘meet’ Pinocchio and travel with him on a magical mystery tour. This makes your day.

You share your sign with Albert Einstein and Joseph Stalin.

Taurus: At 6:34 PM, April 30, during a commercial break for a rerun of That ‘70s Show, you will do fifty stomach crunches. Good job!

Gemini: Congratulations! You’re going to Puerto Rico!

Cancer: An old Wiseman once said: “A penis in the hand is worth two in the bush.”

Leo: You’re going to build a house for a homeless person. You will sweat and labor each day, working diligently from sunrise to sunset to fulfill this good deed. At the end of the month, your homeless beneficiary will move into his new house. Exactly one month later, he will not pay his homeowners’ property tax, and a family of W.A.S.P.s will buy the home out from under him at a government auction. Your life and efforts are meaningless.

Virgo: Umm… something… cool…(?) and… exciting… will probably happen!

Libra: While traveling to Mars in your space shuttle, you will get sucked into a time warp. Your vessel will crash on a strange planet inhabited by highly intelligent apes. They will hold you captive, and anally probe you fortnightly. Once you are able to escape, call 1800-APE-RAPE. They can help.

Scorpio: One morning, while eating black cherry low-fat yogurt, a currier will arrive at your door with a parcel. Inside this parcel you will discover a black envelope with red lettering that says, “Do not open.” You will decide to obey the envelope’s instructions, and not open it. You will never find out what’s in the envelope.

Sagittarius: An infomercial is going to change your life!

Capricorn: Stop eating cheese, immediately!

Aquarius: Big, hairy moles will grow all over your entire body, literally covering the entire surface of your skin.

Pisces: Your popularity will increase when you discover that you have the ability to mentally masturbate anyone within a five-mile radius of you.