Lush For Life

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You will wake up this morning and find a red, swelled lesion seeping puss on the either the tip of your penis, or the edge of your labia. You might as well just cut it off… you weren’t going to use it anyway. Libra (September 23 – October 22): [...]

Capricorn: Take it easy this month. Things that come easy to you will suddenly become more difficult. To relax, you will spend your time watching TV. Some of your favorite shows will include: Leave it to Beaver, Peyton Place, Dynasty, and The Andy Griffith Show. You share your sign with J. D. Salinger.

“Aries: Estranged, chubby, trailer park trash super-star Britney Spears will arrive at your door in a panic. She will claim to have had a terrible nightmare where Ed Bradley of 60 Minutes told her to give up being a pop star and start a career as a naughty nurse waitress in Arizona. She will be [...]

Aries: Lookin’ for love in all the wrong places? Yep, that’s you. Stop hanging out at bus stops and crack dens looking for that certain special someone. Look instead at a retirement center. Mr./Ms. Right is there, waiting for you with toothless gums, ready to give you the best oral sex of your life. Taurus: [...]

Aries: You will get into a pointless argument with two friends who will take sides against you. The fight will be blown completely out of proportion and your friendships will be forever ruined. Two weeks later you will read something on Wikipedia.com that will prove you where wrong, but the damage has already been done. [...]

Aries: You will rent the entire line of Hellraiser horror movies and be disappointed by all of them except the first two. Taurus: You will have a dream that you are a tall woman who is disappointed in the size of her large feet. Upon awaking, you will realize it was just a dream, unless [...]

Cancer: Your life sucks just enough to consider killing yourself. Wait until later, though, when you are married and with children, so you can screw them out of your life insurance policy at the same time.

Capricorn: Take it easy this month. Things that come easy to you will suddenly become more difficult. To relax, you will spend your time watching TV. Some of your favorite shows will include: Leave it to Beaver, Peyton Place, Dynasty, and The Andy Griffith Show. You share your sign with J. D. Salinger.   Aquarius: [...]

Aries: You are going to find the love of your life this month. But that doesn’t matter… Because of your nature to lose interest easily, you are going to be distracted by flashy objects and get so dizzy that you puke on her. You wanted to apologize, but you already lost interest and wandered over [...]

Aries: The poops you take this month will be the best poops ever! Every trip to the toilet will be a wonderful trip to Happy-Poopy-Magic-Land. Each piece of poop will be approximately six inches long and 3 inches in diameter. Your sphincter muscles will seem to cooperate in an almost supernatural way as they allow [...]