“PHILADELPHIA – Further inquiry conducted by the Lush For Life investigative staff has revealed new startling answers to the cause of the recent knee injury sustained by Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb on November 19. McNabb sustained a complete tear to his medial collateral ligament – an injury that will require eight to twelve months of rehabilitation – while engaged in a seemingly harmless rollout pass play during the Eagles week 11 matchup with the Tennessee Titans. After the completion of the play, McNabb fell to the ground on the Titans’ sidelines wincing in pain, and upon further review of the routine play, the cause of the injury was unknown.

Examination of game tape of McNabb’s injury by Lush For Life investigators revealed loose, jagged pixels scattered across the grass of Lincoln Financial Field, caused by the poor, low-definition television broadcast used by FOX Sports. These pixels, according to Philadelphia Eagles team physician Peter DeLuca, are the cause of McNabb’s recent horrific injury.

“”He didn’t plant his foot awkwardly of shift his weight abnormally,”" DeLuca said to Lush For Life correspondent and NFL insider Rob Johnson. “”I won’t know for sure until we cut him open, but I think that low-def shit has something to do with this.”"

Though FOX offers high definition broadcasts of NFL games on a weekly basis, some games are still broadcast in the standard 480i resolution. Having such poor quality, according to Samsung technical representative Sin-Blah Park, can cause more problems than once originally perceived.

“”Having so little lines of resolution is a dangerous thing in today’s digital world,”" Park said to Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks. “”I twisted my ankle just last week while giving a speech at a conference in Orlando. I’ll never be caught in low-def again.”"

Since the discovery, a team of NFL Films technicians has begun a detailed investigation into previous injuries sustained by players in the past. During the past ten days, hundreds of hours of archived game footage have been studied, and the studies have resulted in several findings.

According to NFL Films CEO Steve Sabol, several previous injuries that were once thought to be physical are now believed to be caused by low-definition broadcasts. ‘Our team has uncovered what we now believe is the major cause of injury to players in the NFL,’ Sabol said to Rob Johnson. ‘We plan on filming all of our future jobs in high definition; the only hope is that all the networks follow our lead.’

Some previous injuries believed to be a result of low-definition pixels includes the career-ending injuries sustained by former Denver Broncos lineman Mark Schlereth, Tampa Bay Buccaneers lineman Marcus Jones, current Kansas City Chiefs running back Priest Holmes, and Hall of Fame quarterback Joe Theisman.

Former Giants linebacker Lawrence Taylor, who ended Theisman’s career by snapping his leg in half during a tackle, offered his comment. ‘It is a huge relief,’ Taylor said to Arthur Rocks, ‘I’ve been carrying that guilt over my head for years, and to know that it wasn’t my fault will help me finally kick my out-of-control cocaine and meth habit.’

Though many more man hours involving digital reconstruction and restoration of old game tape will be required, the NFL in determined to get to the bottom of the issue.

“

“MADRID – An international committee consisting of top delegates from the three largest military powers on the planet, Spain, Italy, and France (collectively know as the Three Amigos), have come up with a brilliant plan for a cease-fire agreement between Palestinians and Israel.

The plan, codenamed “”Operation Lapdog”", is being hailed by the United Nations as “”the most levelheaded, effective, and obvious”" plan for peace put forth since the United States’ invasion of Iraq.

“”We think that ‘Operation Lapdog’ is the only way to assure peace between the peoples of so-called ‘Palestine’ and the Jews,”" said Spanish President Rodriguez Zapatero of the strategy.

“”Operation Lapdog”" calls for Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas and Prime Minister Ehud Olmert of Israel to meet on conspicuous, neutral ground, each bearing a flag representative of their respective nation.

They will then lay their colors on the ground in front of each other and take turns shitting on their own flags as a sign of respect.

After the first round of turd plopping, they will then break for a short lunch, consisting of leftover bean burritos from Taco Bell. They will then reconvene to continue the feces festival, this time shitting on their opponent’s flag and loaf.

After the rounds of poop laying are complete, they will then roll around together in a naked embrace, smearing evacuated bowel soup all over each other’s testicles.

As the sun begins to set, they will shake hands, dance the Icky Shuffle, and return home to declare a cease-fire and everlasting peace amongst their people.

’Hell, I think it’s a great idea,’ said President George ‘Dubya’ Bush. ‘Sometimes, me and ol’ Laura’ll get in a fight, and the only way to decide who wins is to spray diarrhea at each other. It’s the way God intended for it to be.’

The ceremony is to take place on November 25.

“

“TAMPA – As the polls closed, Tuesday night, a somber, depressing fog rolled into Lush For Life headquarters. We all knew that our time had come. The end of the road was in sight, and some of us, the more delusional ones, knew that or demise was of our own doing.

Years of bashing, trashing, and mashing GOP members and politics had run its circle. As sure as the Republicans waltzed out of Washington, however graciously, Lush For Life was also on its way out. One too many jokes about Donald Rumsfeld, perhaps, and it all comes tumbling down.

Lush For Life has filed for bankruptcy protection in light of the new blue United States government. No more calling for the Republican heads to be severed from their fat, greasy, bloated, impotent, gay, pederast bodies, as they are all heading for the sweet life, sipping rum runners in West Palm and filling in correspondent seats at the good old Fox News Network.

The country is headed in a new direction, as “”Dubya”", our last remaining source of fodder, contends, and Lush For Life was, sadly, not built for that. Lush For Life is a Red Party Killing Machine, designed to target and take down (satirically) the biggest wigs in America’s government.

We tried to make it work, but found that there are only seventeen remaining jokes about ‘Dubya’ that have not been written, with thousands potentially lost as the Republicans hand over their power.

Minutes before we decided to call it quits, correspondent Rob Johnson suggested that we could still sell ad space and maintain web hits by switching party affiliation from NONE to REP and begin to destroy the Dems by poking fun at pretty-boy John Kerry and poster of rationalism Howard Dean, but we fired him immediately, pointing out that this press affiliate, nay, this great country was not built on a pack of lies, but the blood of thousands of innocent minorities.

KKK, Inc. has expressed an interest in purchasing Lush For Life to keep us from hells fiery pits, but a partnership with the Grand Dragon CEO was only likely to drive us down the path of racism and partnerships with the truly evil insurance companies, such as Aetna.

In the end, the best bet was to pack the bags, dust off the horses, and ride into the sunset with our fingers up our ass and our dignity in tact.

EGBERT SOUS», SENIOR EDITOR OF LUSH FOR LIFE, SIGNING OFF? FOR THE LAST TIME.

“

“LONDON – I, like all upstanding English folk, went out and bought the Sunday paper on a crisp morning not too long ago. That paper was to change my life forever.

Squeezed between an article about the ludicrous amount of money that British Aerospace Systems are making due to lucrative U.S. arms contracts and another article about one of my housemates who had broken the world record for number of garlic cloves chopped in one minute, beating the previous record of 43, was an article on the new Scientology lodge that just opened for business in the city of London.

The Scientology folks had dug deep into their offshore bank accounts and come up with 40 million pounds (That’s English money for those of you who have never left America and only watch Fox News).

For years, I have felt an emptiness deep within me, a yearning for more than just the coldness of atheism. I had been brought up Christian, dabbled in Buddhism, stayed in a Taoist monastery in China for a month. None had any lasting affect. Maybe Scientology was the answer. Over a nice cup of tea, I persuaded all five of my housemates that we should become Scientologists. Being an open-minded bunch, when threatened with my wrath, they all voted in favour. My fiendish plan was to turn the house into the new East London Scientology Lodge, there by gaining exempt status from all taxes forever.

At first it all went according to plan. Lonely accountants, bored housewives, and BeyoncÈ wondered in to our house to receive the wisdom of Scientology, Mr. Cruise, dropped by to say ‘hi.’ We kicked him out for being too weird, but not before I told him how much I liked Top Gun. The supreme ruler of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard, came and blessed the place by “”clearing”" the house of all its negative memories. Ron likes to wear a cape these days that reminds me of the one worn by Ming the Merciless. He strutted about the house like a religious pigeon in the mood for love.

I had begun to launder all the millions of dollars that LushForLife earns a month through the tax-free Scientology bank accounts. With luck I would have 3.2 Billion Dollars by the end of the year (compound interest – we love it).

This run of luck was just too good to last. The British government in one of their more enlightened moments realized that Scientology gives religion and science a bad name, so dropped their tax-exempt status.

My get-rich-quick scheme had ended in failure. It was time to find the back door out of this mess. However, the Scientology henchmen came round and activated the free-will suppressor chip they had installed during my first “”audit’.

This report for LushForLife is a call for help. I am currently on board the Scientology submarine with Tom Cruise heading for Australia (still a tax haven for Scientology). If anyone from Naval Intelligence is reading this, our coordinates are Latitude N10∞0 – S15∞0 Longitude E90∞0 – E144∞0. Please end my suffering.

“

“WEST PALM BEACH, FL – One day following the accusatory comments he made about actor Michael J. Fox, right-wing broadcaster Rush Limbaugh followed by creating a charitable fund and scholarship program, and awarded Fox with the initial distinguished award in acting the program plans on giving out on an annual basis.

Limbaugh originally accused Fox – who ails from Parkinson’s disease and is a large supporter of stem-cell research – of faking and exaggerating the uncontrollable jerks and facial twitches he suffers due to his disease during an advertisement promoting stem cell research in order to sway voters to support the research of stem cells. When Limbaugh went on air yesterday, presumably to apologize for his brash, accusatory comments to Fox, he shocked his listening audience with some unpredictable news.

“”I stand by what I said. I take back none of what I said,”" Limbaugh said during his radio show yesterday. “”In fact, I think Fox is so good at acting that I am going to reward him.”"

The organization founded by Limbaugh, called A Helping Hand for the Truly Gifted Disease-Ridden Fakers, will be designed to help struggling actors and aspiring film students who have diseases and ailments similar to Fox. The organization will also award a group of aspiring actors every year with fully paid scholarships, provided the awardees declare themselves Republicans and vote on the Republican ticket in all local, state, and national elections.

“”It became apparent to me just how gifted he is,”" Limbaugh said in an on-air interview with LushForLife correspondent Arthur Rocks. “”These actors, including Michael J. Fox, are talented and are a powerful weapon for the Democrats,”" Limbaugh stated, “”and all I want to do is keep these people from being exploited by the filthy liberals and turn them into respectable, Republican-voting Americans.”"

Another aspect of the organization will be focused on film preservation, and will award deserving “”disease-ridden fakers”" with an Honorable Achievement in Acting award every year. With Fox being responsible for the launching of the fund, the flagship award will be given to him.

“”Michael J. Fox is truly a talented actor, obviously,”" Limbaugh said. “”Just look at what he’s done with this whole Parkinson’s thing. It is astounding how believable his performance really is,”" Limbaugh went on, “”and I am giving him this award in honor of his truly remarkable ability to fake a disease.

“”He’s never really been honored for his achievements, except for an Emmy – which isn’t much of an award. Hopefully now, people will notice his achievement, now that I’ve given him this award and my seal of approval.”"

Upon receiving his award from Limbaugh in an in-studio interview at LushForLife Headquarters with correspondent Porcious Crank, Fox promptly broke the trophy over his knee and simply replied, ‘This man is completely insane.”"

“

“TAMPA – Once well-known actor Wesley Snipes – who used to flaunt himself across the silver screen with a variety of kicks and karate slices in a number of second-rate super-awesome-action yarns – has found himself on the run from the IRS, indicted with eight counts of tax fraud on Wednesday morning, according to The Tampa Tribune.

The IRS claims that Snipes received a $7.3 million tax deduction in 1997, which was later declared illegal, and failed to repay the sum. Snipes has also failed to file taxes since 1999, according to the IRS – which is acting as a bold statement by Snipes to the government, according to Snipes’ publicist.

“”He feels that money should not go to the IRS,”" publicist Max Clifford said to LushForLife.com correspondent Porcious Crank. “”He feels guilty about all of the things he’s done in his life,”" Clifford continued, “”and now that he is willing to right his wrongs, the IRS is trying to hold him down.”"

According to an official statement released by American Rights Litigators’ founder Eddie Ray Kahn, who prepared Snipes’ tax forms and is currently in federal custody, Snipes’ reason for withholding the funds is his desire to repay every United States citizen the money they’ve paid to see the actor’s films spanning the last 15 years.

’His intentions are selfless,’ Kahn said in an interview with LushForLife.com correspondent Arthur Rocks while both men were locked in solitary confinement below IRS Headquarters in Washington, D.C. ‘His goal is to repay all those poor souls who wasted their money on all of those films he now realizes were completely terrible.’

With films on his resume like White Men Can’t Jump, The Fan, To Wong Foo? , Demolition Man, and The Blade Trilogy, it’s hard to argue with Snipes’ claim.

’I owe the people of America and movie watchers everywhere a great deal,’ Snipes said in an over the phone interview from a payphone somewhere after he had gone missing. ‘I’m going to repay all of them, but for now, all I can say is ‘I’m Sorry’.’

In 1997, Snipes began his attempt to repay all of those who wasted their hard earned money to see Money Train. He had Khan, along with tax preparer Douglas P. Rosile Sr., claim that all of the films he had made prior to that year were not actually work, making all money earned not taxable. Though the films released by Snipes were technically trash and not considered real work by the average Joe, the legal perspective was quite different.

’It’s a conspiracy against the IRS, basically to harass the IRS, from doing its lawful job in term of collection of taxes,” US Attorney Paul I. Perez said at a news conference. ‘His films are awful, we agree, but he still owes us the money he earned.’

According to Snipes’ publicist, he will continue to stay out of the headlines and the eye of the law until his plan is successfully executed. Within the next several weeks, every legal resident of the United States will be receiving a check for $6.50 via US Mail, personally addressed to each person and signed by Snipes, in his attempt to heal the wounds all the people who’ve struggled through his awful films have endured over the course of his career.

“

“NEW YORK – News of a joining of powers between the New York Yankees Major League Baseball team and international terrorist organization al-Qaeda became apparent, Wednesday, following a plane-crash into an upper Manhattan high-rise apartment building. The plane was flown by Yankees middle relief pitcher Cory Lidle, who died in the crash that was assigned to him by an active, anonymous al-Qaeda operative, according to Yankees Public Relations director Rick Cerrone.

The senior LushForLife.com investigative team discovered the apparent link between the Yankees and al-Qaeda during the first few hours following the plane-crash on 72^nd Street on Wednesday afternoon. According to Senior Correspondent Arthur Rocks, the two sides joined forces following the September 11^th attacks – for the dominating power the both the Yankees and team owner George Steinbrenner possess in the United States and New York City. Former al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden, according to Rocks, is also a die-hard fan of the famed Bronx Bombers and, “”aside from blowing up the world for Allah, I’ve wanted to be a Yankee more than anything since I was a little boy,”" Bin-Laden said in streaming video interview with LushForLife.com correspondent Arthur Rocks from a posh, dainty salon while receiving a facial and a pedicure.

According to an anonymous source within the Yankees organization, LushForLife.com correspondent Rob Johnson reports that Lidle was assigned to fly his plane into the high-rise apartment on the Upper East Side by the al-Qaeda contact who works at Yankee Stadium. While the source assures that the terrorist organization’s primary goal remains dismantling the American establishment, the Lidle assignment was geared towards a backlash on the New York Mets. The plane was on path to smash into Mets President of Operations Saul Katz’s apartment, though missed his flat by two stories.

The failed attack was ordered by Steinbrenner, according to the source, and was designed to both keep the Mets out of the news – who had recently advanced in the playoffs while the Yankees were eliminated from playoff contention – as well as act as a message to the rival club: “”We are the team that counts in this town, this country, and the world, and they just don’t get it,”" Steinbrenner said.

“”The passing of Cory is unfortunate and is felt throughout both our entire organization and al-Qaeda,”" Cerrone said in a press conference. “”He was a fighter in every aspect of his life – not only as an enduring baseball player, but as a soldier of Allah as well.”"

Though it is officially unclear why Lidle was the player selected to be sent on the Katz assassination mission, some people within the Yankee organization have offered their opinion and speculation.

’He was an insurance policy for us for the postseason,’ Yankees first baseman Jason Giambi said to LushForLife.com correspondent Porcious Crank. ‘Since we were eliminated, he really didn’t need to stick around anymore.’ Giambi went on, ‘You’ve got to respect the guy: when you get the orders, there’s no two ways about it. You’ve got to do your duty – It’s part of being a Yankee.’

’I was surprised that Cory was picked,’ shortstop Derek Jeter said. ‘Anyone in this clubhouse would gladly do what he did – taking it to the Mets. Sometimes there’s more to life than baseball, too, and George gets that, and so do we.’

Though it is unclear whether al-Qaeda or the Yankees are currently orchestrating another attack on the Mets, sources within the terrorist organization believe that Steinbrenner will select famed and maligned third baseman Alex Rodriguez on the next assignment.

’We don’t pick the messengers, so it’s hard to say,’ an anonymous terrorist and Yankee employee said to Porcious Crank. ‘I know George is looking for any reason to get rid of him.’

In other news, Yankees GM Brian Cashman was found inside Katz’s apartment, shuffling through Katz’s scouting and player development files. It is unclear whether there will be any legal ramifications or if Katz will press charges.

“

TAMPA – I was driving to a funeral for a beloved pet, Saturday morning, when I heard local talk radio host Jeff Fisher announce the sad news of Mark Foley’s shameful emails and instant messages to young, teenage boys, describing lurid sexual acts and masturbatory suggestions. I then began to weep.

In 1996, I got my first computer, and learned the joys of AOL‘s Instant Messenger (AIM) and Internet chat rooms. It is in this cyber world where I met the lovely and talented Mark Foley.

I was sixteen, then, and was a typical bored teen, looking for excitement in all the normal places sixteen year old boys look for action: man on boy chat rooms.

I had fantasized about fat, balding, conservative, Republican congressman since I was eleven, as I was entering puberty. As a young boy from the suburbs of Tampa, however, I had no way to fulfill my sexual urges. Luckily, AIM came about.

I chose the handle PreteenGOP, and met ChildMolester217 in the NAMBLA chat room. I had dabbled in that room before, but all of the chatters were just so… blunt. ChildMolester217, though, he was different. He could understand my needs as a young boy living in the mid 90s. He just? idunno, understood me. We could talk about whatever I wanted into the wee dawning hours.

So sure, I had to lie to Mr. Foley (Marky Mark, I called him) about my age, as I was way too old for him, but I was so convincing as a twelve year old in the NAMBLA chat rooms, as I would lisp my esses and turn spaghetti into pasketti.

I never actually met him in person, and I was a bit surprised to find out he was an alcoholic, to be honest, but Marky and I had a special bond. He considered me his little Gilligan, and I called him my Skipper. I was a little disappointed to hear about the thirteen year old page, because I’m sure he couldn’t describe a wrinkled penis in a young, moisturized hand like I could, but I know my Marky was doing it all in fun: he’s no child molester; just a man who understands what any normal teenage boy wants.

He has been disgraced, now, and will always be looked upon as a sexual predator of teenage boys. That’s a bunch of baloney. Marky is as heterosexual as they come. Not once did he ever touch penises with another young boy. He was a Good Samaritan, more than anything.

I will be voting for Mr. Foley as a write-in, this November, and I strongly urge all Floridians with a sense of justice to do the same. Do not let this gentle saint suffer at the hands of a cruel, intolerant court of public opinion. Show you care and you understand what a public service people like Mark Foley and Debra LaFave do for this state. Let’s do something right for once, Florida.

Unless, that is, you want to continue to be ‘America’s Wang’.

“DALLAS – The recent drug overdose by Dallas Cowboys’ flamboyant and outspoken wide receiver Terrell Owens – which was originally reported as a suicide attempt – is now being reported as a botched pharmaceutical and alcohol binge between Owens and right-wing talk radio personality Rush Limbaugh.

Initial reports early this morning out of Dallas was that Owens purposefully ingested the remainder of his pain killer medication with the intention of taking his own life, though upon further investigation by LushForLife.com reporters, it appears he and Limbaugh were simply out to get some weird kicks during their weekly brain-storming session.

“”Like I’ve said before,”" Limbaugh said to LushForLife.com correspondent Rob Johnson, “”don’t believe a damn word you hear in the news about me. The liberals will twist everything I do into a shit-storm.”"

This is not the first time Limbaugh has been implicated in possessing illegal pharmaceuticals, and also not the first time Owens has found himself in the limelight of constant media debate and blathering.

Before the overdose, the relationship between Limbaugh and Owens had been unknown to the public. It appears that Limbaugh was assisting Owens in the writing of a new book, a joint effort between the two, entitled T.O. and What The Liberals Want You to Think. The book chronicles the last year of Owens’ life, and is scattered with right wing, Democrat-hating blabber, and Eagles and Donovan McNabb bashing throughout the text.

The relationship between the two was ignited over a year ago, when both men met for the first time at a cockfight in Tijuana, Mexico. They initially hit it off because of their shared hatred for Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb.

Limbaugh was abruptly fired from ESPN’s NFL Sunday Countdown in 2003 when he said that McNabb was a mediocre quarterback at best, and was only popular and well-liked because the NFL wants to see a black quarterback succeed. Owens, like Limbaugh, had a complete falling out with his former team and quarterback, when he blamed the Eagles Superbowl loss on McNabb.

’Rush is a guy that gets me,’ Owens said from Baylor University Hospital on Wednesday. ‘I love me some me, I love me some Rush, and Rush loves him some me and some him and some vicodin.

’He gets some real good stuff too,’ Owens said before snapping a urine soaked towel on the ass of the nurse changing his bedpan.

As reported by head LushForLife.com correspondent Arthur Rocks, Limbaugh and Owens were engaged in their weekly vicodin, percocet, and tequila binge while brain storming new ideas for their new book when Owens collapsed from an oxycodone overdose. Reportedly, Limbaugh called paramedics before fleeing the scene, and was replaced by Owens’ publicist.

’We wanted to keep the progression of or new book completely under wraps,’ Limbaugh said, ‘so the liberals couldn’t smother their filthy opinions all over it.’

It appears that not only do Owens and Limbaugh share the same opinions of McNabb and bad literature, but also for their abuse of pain killers.

The duo’s next scheduled trip to Canada to acquire a new stash of pharmies will no doubt be put on hold as Owens recovers from this overdose, and then recovers from whatever verbal and physical abuse he will undoubtedly receive from Dallas Cowboys head coach Bill Parcells, for not only his obvious drug problem, but also directly consorting with members of the media.

When Parcells was asked to comment on the issue, he simply replied, ‘No comment,’ and was quickly followed by, ‘This guy is insane.’ It is still unclear whether the coach was referring to his brash receiver or the delusional right wing journalist. Either way the Tuna has got it right.

“

BANGKOK – A recent investigation conducted by LushForLife.com reporters has revealed the true reason for the military takeover in Thailand. Initially, the motives behind the overthrow of former Thailand Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra led by General Sondhi Boonyaratkalin were unclear, though following an investigation by this news team, the facts are beginning to roll in brisk fashion.

This report was wired by head correspondent Arthur Rocks to LushForLife.com headquarters in Tampa, Florida, early this morning:

According to local insiders here in Bangkok, former Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra was lured to New York by the United Nations for a meeting with other U.N. officials. While away, General Sondhi Boonyaratkalin, in conjunction with Texas oil tycoon T. Boone Pickens and local Thailand underground prostitution rings, the coup was executed without a single shot being fired.

According to Rocks, oil tycoon Pickens is currently engaged in an off-shore entrepreneurship with Bangkok pimps to establish a full-flowing, well-greased prostitution business that will allow the already massive and lucrative business of selling sexual relations with underage girls to further flourish.

’Our idealistic vision of Bangkok has finally been set into motion,’ local pimp and entrepreneur Khanif Baekiidj said to LushForLife.com correspondent Rob Johnson. ‘Thanks to Mr. Pickens and General Sondhi, Bangkok is finally going to be something special.’

Though the prostitution rings in Bangkok are already a lucrative business, soliciting sex is currently technically illegal. Law enforcers have turned the other cheek in the past, allowing the solicitation of over 30,000 teenage women to run rampant without significant legal regard. With the new regime established, all legal ramifications are expected to dissolve.

’We will see a new and glorious day arrive in Bangkok, with rivers that flow of milk and honey, and more sweet, fresh poon-tang for all as far as the eye can see,’ General Sondhi Boonyaratkalin said from the balcony atop his presidential suite to a crowd of tens of thousands of cheering, seedy perverts. ‘Now any man take legally take what is rightfully his without the risk of persecution.’

Following the speech, a collection of naked teenage hookers were dragged out into the town square and thrown to the masses. All young women from the crowd were seized and taken to an underground cellar guarded by Thai military soldiers, where they were deloused with lye and sent back into the crowd of thousands – which had already begun fornicating with the available fresh meat. The sexual depravity continued to occur without intermission in downtown Bangkok for 36 hours, until all existing and newly acquired prostitutes were no longer conscious. Some remote groups of twisted scoundrels continued to engage in sexual intercourse with the unconscious girls until they apparently were disinterested, when they left to hit up the pubs to drink and play Russian roulette.

’I think sex with an untapped, petite little sucky-sucky is a business that can continue to grow and be a good thing for all involved,’ T. Boone Pickens said to Arthur Rocks during an interview in a Bangkok brothel. ‘People back in the states may think I’m going haywire, but dad-blame it, when you see that sweet little pink beaver up in your face, I think they’ll reconsider.’

In other news, President Bush and his cabinet have declared the situation in Thailand to be ‘severe and in need of immediate attention,’ and are scheduled to make a special trip to Bangkok to discuss future trade agreements between the new military regime and the United States.