“We try to teach these young men and woman the skills that they have missed out on as they were growing up,” said Richardson. “We encourage them to spend one weekend a month away from Dungeons and Dragons for example, and attempt to go to dinner with someone of the opposite sex. We also try to explain to the young men that not all women will measure up to Hermione, not all women will dress up like Hermione, and not all women will call you Harry and insist that you have the biggest wand they’ve ever seen.

“Another important part of the program is to move the patients onto other genres and levels of reading. Children’s fantasy novels are all fine and well, even if they are a world-wide success, but we like to think that a well-rounded human being might also read some literature, poetry, or even some drama.”
These Rowling-coddled patients are gradually pushed outside of their four-syllable reading range, with the eventual goal of reading some prose with substance. Richardson’s most promising rehab patients are even beginning to look into Renaissance drama, Romantic poetry, and Modernist fiction. But it’s a long road ahead for these damaged young people.

Rowling could not be reached for comment on the destruction she has caused to these people’s lives. The author is working on her new “adult book” from a 545 million pound deep money pit where she likes to spend most of her free time.

Moore has made a name for himself in his attacks on big business, gun control, the NRA, President George “Dubya” Bush, and his glorification of Canada as well. Moore is the poster child for the Extreme Left and Bleeding-Heart Liberals, and sometimes uses extreme dramatic tactics for getting his point across in his films, which in a way, makes him no better than Rush Limbaugh, Mark Levin, Todd Schnitt, or Bill O’Reilly – it just so happens that what he says is the truth, more often than not.

For a moment, Moore points his focus towards the 50-million Americans who don’t have any kind of health insurance coverage, and the financial problems they encounter. Moore shows us a story of man who accidentally cuts off the tips of two of his fingers, without health insurance, and later having to decide whether he wants to re-attach his $60,000 middle finger, or his $12,000 ring finger. As a person who doesn’t have health insurance, this writer feels that is a ridiculous thing for a person to have to decide. The film’s focus, however, is more acutely directed towards those who do have insurance, and end up getting fucked because of their coverage’s limitations.

It’s a senseless task to describe all the events that take place in the film. If you want to know what crazy ol’ Mike does next, go see it for yourself. That’s why he made it, for you to see. And you should see it, believe me.

Moore feels it is important for the movie-watching, popcorn-crunching public to realize how bad our health insurance situation is in this country. Keep in mind how much of that popcorn you’re stuffing into your mouth, people. You’re one heart attack away from your life falling apart.
Some may say he his simply trying to attack America and everything it stands for in his films. The United States is the only country in the western world that doesn’t provide free universal health care for its citizens. What a Communist. Al-Qaeda terrorists held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, receive better health insurance than my mother, a public school teacher for 38-years, or even, let’s say, a former 9/11 volunteer firefighting rescue worker. Moore is a terrorist, goddamit. Moore claims Congress was bought by the health insurance industry and coerced into passing legislation that reduced coverage for the elderly. He just hates Republicans. Hillary was bought, too. Moore hates everything. Though we receive government-funded social services such as public education (not very good, however), free mail delivery, free libraries (though nobody reads, as seen here), and police force, there’s no plans for free health insurance. A legitimate flag-burner. “Love it or leave it,” right?

It just so happens that if you were to leave it, you would receive better health coverage. Moore shows us an example of an American tourist breaking his arm while doing cartwheels across Abbey Road in London. He was rushed to a hospital, had his arm attended to and put in a sling, and stayed under hospital supervision for 10 hours. Total bill: zero dollars. Even physicians working for the state in London, one of the wealthiest and most expensive cities to live, own Audi A8s and live in $1 million townhouses. It appears that our notion of a government-controlled health system being an awful, dirty, bottom-level service is truly a farce. It would probably be that way if we did it, though (see public school system), knowing our country’s habit of not designating a proper amount of funds to provide a good service.

There’s not enough money out there, Michael Moore. Large health insurance companies experience record profits every quarter, and we can’t mess with the money train. That’s what this great, capitalistic nation was built on: making money. You mess with that and you’re messing with America, and that makes you a terrorist in the all-seeing eye of American Patriotism. And we can’t tax everybody for a service that everybody could use, either. That would be too socialistic. Everybody knows those bastards are evil. In hindsight, Franklin D. Roosevelt was a sadistic, evil, maniacal, flag-burning Communist, too.

Maybe this is the right direction for America. We’ve outsourced most of our once domestic industry overseas to maximize profits. We’ll just have to outsource our sick, injured and dying people to other countries to get help. Otherwise it’ll affect the bottom line, which wouldn’t be very American, would it?

Not-as-cute-ass-Them

Dear Gl-Ass Half Empty

You need these friends. There is clearly not enough bitch in you. How are you going to survive in the big bad world?

Women watch the Oscars for the same reason that people watch motor racing – the gloriously mean, secret hope that someone will have a gruesome accident. A lime-and-pink tulle birthday-cake dress. A recently-acquired roll of fat showing over the back strap of a shelf-bra.

Oh God, not another boring, classic black dress.

You’re waiting for the inexperienced starlet who decided on a short skirt to show off her legs, and then regretted it. She can’t leave the frigging thing alone. You suddenly recognize the friend who made the same mistake last Saturday, and spent the whole night pulling her dress down over her crotch.

Ditto the low cut neckline. Remember the night you had that brave impulse to “show ‘em your tits”, and ran out the house before you could chicken out? Sure you put your nose in the air, and pretended you didn’t notice that no one looked at your face all night… until you realized that none of your friends were gonna talk to you for a week, and you started trying to pull up your neckline. Everyone sniggered then, but it’s your turn now.

Ahhh the airbrushed makeup. It lasts a couple of days. Oscar rerun nights are when girls plot to discount the cost with a make-up party before the next big event. Just remember to decide whether you can afford Hollywood makeup, without spoiling the look with a credit card debt frown.

The Oscars separate the women from the goats in the high heels stakes. How to swing the hips without the broken-ankle totter. Watch and learn. Men don’t actually feel protective when you fall on your ass because you can’t walk in your shoes, although bixsexual girls have been known to coo over your blisters.

Which brings us to shapewear. Your great grandmother had corsets, your granny had foundation garments, and your mother was a hippy, so she still thinks you should let it all hang out, but the red carpet is not about comfort. Those bodies are not just the result of plastic surgery and personal trainers.

Keep your TIVO copy of the Oscars, and any time you feel depressed, put on your extra-push-up bra and add ankle to breast shapeware – and I mean the serious, ultra-control lycra-spandex stuff.

Pose in five- inch heels in front of your TV while watching the show. Don’t worry about how you’d get out of the shapeware to play with the arm candy – they’re all gay, self-obsessed or boring boy hos, so you wouldn’t want to bother.

Now slip on the lime-and-pink tulle designer number (it was zillions new, but you paid five bucks at the thrift store) and sashay your way across the room, without falling on your ass. Imagine 41 million people watching, as Joan Rivers rips you to pieces.

Now don’t you just love the Oscars?

HOLLYWOOD – With all of the anticipation and speculation surrounding this year’s running of the 79^th annual Academy Awards, moviegoers and Hollywood celebrities alike are so perplexed they’ve forgotten their daily rations of wheat grass and Botox in record numbers. The dolls and darlings of the Hollywood world all seem to have an opinion on the awards, each one with their own blend of classic Hollywood stupidity.

One of the major categories that is receiving some of the most attention is, of course, the Lead Actor award. With nominees ranging from the dreamy Leo DiCaprio to the awkward, oafish Forrest Whitaker, it seems everybody has an opinion on who will emerge victorious.

“I hate Leo,” pseudo actress Lindsay Lohan said to Lush for Life correspondent Arthur Rocks. “He has the audacity to not take me out, so he is the last person the Academy should be honoring,” Lohan said.

Some stars are less interested in who wins the award. “You’re asking me who I think will win?” actor Johnny Depp said. “I could care less. I’ll be in Paris, smoking opium with Jack Nicholson and a group of Islamo-fasicts.” Depp hinted at the whereabouts of the First Dog Barney as he quickly excused himself from the interview.

Some of the nominees have developed lobbying groups for protesting campaigns. A large group of protestors have been traveling around Los Angeles since the announcement of the nominations, picketing and lobbying for “The Blood Of Yingzhou District,” nominated for the best documentary short category.

“A lot of people don’t know about us,” actor turned lobbyist Michael Rappaport said to Lush For Life correspondent Rob Johnson. “People need to know who we are,” the star of “The War At Home” said, “and we’ll use force if we must to get the word out.” Rappaport resumed the protesting, this time outside of a Ralph’s Food Store in Reseda. A rival protest group for the film “Recycled Life,” led by actor Ralph Macchio, happened to be protesting at the same time, and soon the two groups converged and their meeting swelled into a full-scale, vandalizing riot.

The main focus of the Hollywood elite is centering on the Best Picture category, and the ongoing rivalry between filmmakers Clint Eastwood and Martin Scorsese.

Scorsese has continually lost the awards for directing and picture year after year, and all to former actors turned directors. A list of actors including Kevin Costner (“Dances With Wolves” – 1990), Mel Gibson (“Braveheart” – 1995), and Eastwood (“Million Dollar Baby” – 2004) have all been victorious over Scorsese, and were all present for a group interview.

“Martin deserves an award,” Gibson said. “But it’s not our fault he keeps losing to us.”

“If he wants to win, he should, theoretically, make a better film than we do,” Costner said. “The greats have always said that actors eventually become better directors rather than directors eventually becoming actors, key grips, or even second unit directors.”

Clint Eastwood offered his opinion, saying, “I think Martin would make a good best boy.”

The 79^th Academy Awards will air live on February 25 at 8pm Eastern Time.

In the past, People published on a weekly basis only the hippest and coolest of Hollywood fashion and gossip. As the American publics’ attention has turned to reality programming, such as Survivor and American Idol, People Magazine has decided to completely change format and showcase pictures of every day Joe Blows and Jane Hoes, as well as useless water-cooler gossip and chitchat.

“”Americans are about damn sick of acting like they care what Baby Suri looks like,”" said Martha Nelson, editor of People Magazine. “”They just want good clean dirt on what their neighbors are doing. We will try our damndest to let them know.”"

Fashion trends have usually been dictated by what those in Hollywood wear to the trendy specialty stores in New York and Hollywood, but now things are changing.

Designer Calvin Klein remarked on the revolution, “”It used to be, people would look at People to know what other people are wearing. Now, though, it will be regular people in People, so now people will have an idea how in or out of touch they are with other people.

“”I think that we’ll be seeing a lot of jeans and tee shirts, and I predict that fat women with too-small pants and their love handles spilling over the top will be the next big thing.”"

And for men?

Dylan Jones, editor of men’s fashion magazine GQ thinks that men will see the biggest changes.

’No more will a man have to shave or shower. Your average nobody is usually sporting around in a greasy tank top and their high school gym shorts with some really cool flip-flops? Comfort will be king, once again.’

The biggest Hollywood whores, including Oprah Winfrey and Jessica Simpson, are displeased with the change.

’I just don’t see what the Hell anyone sees in people that are not me,’ stated Jessica Simpson. ‘I have these really big tits and clear skin for nothing, now?’

The new format will debut on newsstands this Tuesday.

“

Naturally, there has been lots of controversy surrounding this show. The title of the show, which is also the name of the group, is Men II Boys. This title alone is suggestive enough to raise much speculation and controversy. LushForLife.com was able to get a copy of song lyrics that will be featured in the group’s first single:

I don’t want no sugar mama. I don’t need that kind of drama. I just want a sugar daddy. Plug my asshole in his Caddy.

Clearly, it doesn’t take a pedophile to understand what these lyrics imply.

Although several media officials, politicians, and parents are outraged over the conception and production of this series, MTV, nor its host, P. Diddy, have no qualms about making this show. MTV says that Men II Boys is just the kind of liberal show they need to further expand their ‘free-living-do-what-I-want’ market. When Diddy asked to comment on his participation in the reality series, he had this to say: ‘Yo, if this was five brothas rappin’ ‘bout takin’ some old man’s dick up their ass, I’d be like, ‘No way!’ But since this is five white boys, I ain’t got no beef wit’ it.’

The show is already in preproduction and is scheduled to air in early 2007.