Alan Greenspan’s much-anticipated memoirs, entitled “The Age of Turbulence”, hit bookshelves last week. The fanfare surrounding the novel was amazing, with people in some areas of the country queuing for hours in much the same way they would for a new Harry Potter novel. Outside of the Wall Street Barnes & Noble, approximately 400 middle-aged, balding stockbrokers gathered. While some donned thick glasses and wore suits covered in dollar bills, others argued feverishly about the merits of a published inflation target. Reporting was difficult, however, as the crowd quickly became reticent when the media entered the area. Continue Reading

It has been a month now since the dust settled after the final, frantic charge of millions to get their clammy hands on the concluding installment of the bifocaled boy-wizard’s adventures. As the last of the particularly slow readers lay down Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the realization that life has been forever changed slaps the bepimpled Potter fans across the face like the hand of a spurned transvestite.
The multitudes of fans that have relied on J.K. Rowling’s series for so long are currently in a state of bewilderment. This generation of socially inept virgins, with a young-adult reading level, and a preoccupation with fantasy novels and Magic the Gathering, has become a prevalent and worrying issue. Continue Reading

CLEVELAND – Everyone knows that comedian/actor Drew Carey, 49, has announced that he will be replacing legendary host Bob Barker this fall on The Price is Right. But in a press conference yesterday, the affable crew-cut-sporting Carey revealed why he chose to be on the program. “America relates to me. Anyone who has listened to my stand-up or watched me on The Drew Carey Show knows that I am just an ordinary, middle-class guy who likes to drink. And what game show do I love to watch most when I am hung over in the middle of the day? You guessed it: The Price Is Right,” the millionaire black-rimmed-spectacle-wearing Average Joe said. Continue Reading

The line between being an informed, disgruntled American displeased with our country’s morality and direction, and a flag-burning anti-American meddling detrimentalist guilty of treason is very small. At least that’s what Rush Limbaugh, the religious Right, and “The Silent Majority” believe.
Not so much here at Lush For Life. Though we publish “fake news,” we have been associated with the Liberal Left, the Bleeding-Heart media, and the Jewish Media Conspiracy. Though we have never admitted to being a part of any of these agendas, we know what side of the line we would be standing on if the proverbial shit eventually hits the proverbial fan. Upon a viewing of Michael Moore’s newest documentary “Sicko” – an in-depth analysis of the American health care system, and the lives that are ruined as a result of it – a refreshed contempt for our country’s corruption and lack of moral fiber has been revived in all of us; from our paranoid Senior Editor Egbert Sousè, to the one-legged, mentally-challenged chimp mopping the floors in our basement who devours all of our back-stock of Angostura Bitters. Not a problem, though. Since watching “Sicko”, we have all the bitterness we need. Continue Reading

LOS ANGELES – Critically acclaimed writer/director Quentin Tarantino made an announcement, Tuesday, regarding the new film he will produce in the upcoming months. Tarantino’s announcement to Lush For Life came via a live video feed Tuesday morning following an all-night Cristal and finger-slicing binge with Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks and filmmaker colleague Robert Rodriguez. Continue Reading

HOLLYWOOD – Most of your run-of-the-mill, fatigued news outlets will be serving up all the traditional yawning commentary on this year’s Academy Awards, consisting of personal attacks at [enter here] and the dress he/she was wearing, as well as your household groans vibrating from your local conservative talk radio dial, giving the bulk of the general public what to think about Hollywood, and how the liberals have completely taken over. The McCarthy trials only scratched the surface, according to some of these swine. What we really need is to stretch Clooney and Eastwood out on a rack, pour boiling acid on their genitals, and really find out how red these liberal-masked communists really are.
Not here, however. Continue Reading

All this stuff about the Oscars makes me depressed. I feel like a dog watching people who look that good, but my friends love this stuff. Then they still watch the programs where the bitch-face commentators inspect everyone on the red carpet, and rip them to shreds for months afterwards.

Not-as-cute-ass-Them

Dear Gl-Ass Half Empty

You need these friends. There is clearly not enough bitch in you. How are you going to survive in the big bad world? Continue Reading

HOLLYWOOD – With all of the anticipation and speculation surrounding this year’s running of the 79^th annual Academy Awards, moviegoers and Hollywood celebrities alike are so perplexed they’ve forgotten their daily rations of wheat grass and Botox in record numbers. The dolls and darlings of the Hollywood world all seem to have an opinion on the awards, each one with their own blend of classic Hollywood stupidity.

Continue Reading

“NEW YORK – The insanely popular pop culture magazine People announced on Monday that it would no longer feature A-List celebrities, such as Lindsay Lohan, Tom Cruise, Dave Navarro, Brangelina, and the Olsen Twins getting out of bed, drunk, angry, and at their ugliest. It will now feature normal, everyday people.

In the past, People published on a weekly basis only the hippest and coolest of Hollywood fashion and gossip. As the American publics’ attention has turned to reality programming, such as Survivor and American Idol, People Magazine has decided to completely change format and showcase pictures of every day Joe Blows and Jane Hoes, as well as useless water-cooler gossip and chitchat.

“”Americans are about damn sick of acting like they care what Baby Suri looks like,”" said Martha Nelson, editor of People Magazine. “”They just want good clean dirt on what their neighbors are doing. We will try our damndest to let them know.”"

Fashion trends have usually been dictated by what those in Hollywood wear to the trendy specialty stores in New York and Hollywood, but now things are changing.

Designer Calvin Klein remarked on the revolution, “”It used to be, people would look at People to know what other people are wearing. Now, though, it will be regular people in People, so now people will have an idea how in or out of touch they are with other people.

“”I think that we’ll be seeing a lot of jeans and tee shirts, and I predict that fat women with too-small pants and their love handles spilling over the top will be the next big thing.”"

And for men?

Dylan Jones, editor of men’s fashion magazine GQ thinks that men will see the biggest changes.

’No more will a man have to shave or shower. Your average nobody is usually sporting around in a greasy tank top and their high school gym shorts with some really cool flip-flops? Comfort will be king, once again.’

The biggest Hollywood whores, including Oprah Winfrey and Jessica Simpson, are displeased with the change.

’I just don’t see what the Hell anyone sees in people that are not me,’ stated Jessica Simpson. ‘I have these really big tits and clear skin for nothing, now?’

The new format will debut on newsstands this Tuesday.

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BOSTON – The infamous North American Man/Boy Love Association announced, today, that they will be teaming up with Bad Boy Entertainment CEO P. Diddy in efforts to launch a new MTV reality show. The premise of the show will be to take five Caucasian, sexually confused adolescents and put them through a series of rigorous challenges in order to attain their status as Americas next boy band.

Naturally, there has been lots of controversy surrounding this show. The title of the show, which is also the name of the group, is Men II Boys. This title alone is suggestive enough to raise much speculation and controversy. LushForLife.com was able to get a copy of song lyrics that will be featured in the group’s first single:

I don’t want no sugar mama. I don’t need that kind of drama. I just want a sugar daddy. Plug my asshole in his Caddy.

Clearly, it doesn’t take a pedophile to understand what these lyrics imply.

Although several media officials, politicians, and parents are outraged over the conception and production of this series, MTV, nor its host, P. Diddy, have no qualms about making this show. MTV says that Men II Boys is just the kind of liberal show they need to further expand their ‘free-living-do-what-I-want’ market. When Diddy asked to comment on his participation in the reality series, he had this to say: ‘Yo, if this was five brothas rappin’ ‘bout takin’ some old man’s dick up their ass, I’d be like, ‘No way!’ But since this is five white boys, I ain’t got no beef wit’ it.’

The show is already in preproduction and is scheduled to air in early 2007.