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October Horoscopes

Aries: Don’t fly on planes. Taurus: Your hot temper and stubborn attitude will cause those close to you to keep their distance. In short, no one likes you…kill yourself. (more…)

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Religious Lunatics United In Wake Of Katrina

NEW ORLEANS – Proving that the differences between the various segments of humanity are not really so significant in the wake of great tragedy, extremist religious nut jobs from across the entire spectrum of fairytale-based beliefs put aside their many differences to praise God’s decision to eradicate New Orleans. Extremist leaders of Christians, Muslims, and […]

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Ask Emma

Amanda from Texas wrote: Dear Emma, I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. How can I find out if he is? Dear Amanda, The answer to this is quite simple… SLEEP WITH ALL OF HIS FRIENDS! This is a sure fire way to find out if he is cheating on you. As soon as […]

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Evangelist Bakker Applies For God Job Opening

NASHVILLE – Televangelist and religious figure-head Jim Bakker has applied for the God job opening in Heaven, which has remained vacant since God’s assassination while visiting Dubuque, Iowa on business last month. Bakker submitted the job application through his friend, Jesus, in the form of a prayer, and also via email to Heaven’s website (www.heaven.org), […]

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The Greatest Fairy Tale Ever Told: Scientology

Not since the Lord of the Rings trilogy, or even Star Wars, has a better figment of someone’s imagination made its way onto paper. Scientology is by far the best and most imaginative heap of nonsense I have ever heard in my entire life. I would put its caliber of creativity and sheer “wackoness“, if […]

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Ten Rules Of Dating

I took ten different women out on ten different dates to find out the secret behind that age-old mystery: what do women really look for in a man? Rule Number One: Never pay for anything! In fact, try to get the woman to pay for you. Women like men who are confident. If you pay […]

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God’s Little Slice Of Heaven In America

MIANUS, RI – Mianus is a small town in Rhode Island that most people have never been to or even heard of. Today, I have decided to embark on a journey to this unique and magical place to find out what really goes on in Mianus. Mianus is full of rich and colorful characters. All […]

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Brobonics: A New Language

NEW HAVEN – A new pidgin-language, “Brobonics”, has just become an official language as of today, when Yale announced that they would now be offering a Brobonics course. Surprisingly, many scholars (including many of Yale’s very own English professors) are outraged by this decision, saying that Brobonics is a desecration of the English language. However, […]

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German Cook Prepares Person As Delicacy

BERLIN – One of my international sources informed me, earlier this week, of a growing story happening in Germany, where world-renowned chef Apfel Strudahl prepared a human carcass for several members of the Bundestag for a formal dinner. Knowing my great interest in disgusting affairs, my source forwarded this information to me via the morning […]

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The Pink Collar Takeover Project

BEVERLY HILLS, CA – If you’ve visited a local dance club or actively participated in the college social scene in your area during the last several months, then you’ve in all likelihood encountered the current social fad corrupting the necks of good-natured, drunken college students from coast to coast. The situation has gotten so out […]

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“Men’s Health” Ranked Worst Magazine In The US

Tampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. […]

RIM To Release Crackberry Standard And Pro

crackberry

This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. […]

“Tase Me, Bro!” Says Sadomasochistic USF Student

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University […]

Danny’s Sports Box

No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only […]

Patriots Receive White House Support

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets […]