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December Horoscopes

Aries: Unfortunately, your hair will fall out: but don’t worry… it will grow back on your ass. Taurus: Adam Sandler will arrive at your doorstep and play the Chanukah Song in celebration of the holiday season, and for an extra $20 he will also reenact the crucifixion of Jesus Christ in your front lawn for […]

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The Debaucherous Quest For The Xbox 360, Part 2

TAMPA, FL – I took a walk down Dale Mabry Highway to the liquor store so I could stock up & regroup while coming up with a new master plan to acquire one of these pesky brain-numbing devices. A brisk pace through the stark Tampa streets in the moist air that is Southern November can […]

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Crazy Dieting Hits Japan

NAGOYA, JAPAN – A dangerous new craze has swept Japan. A new and potentially lethal form of extreme dieting has caused thousands of young Japanese women to be hospitalized in Nagoya, a city in Central Japan. A spokesperson for the Health Department said that the hospitals cannot cope with the influx of skinny women and […]

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The Debaucherous Quest For The Xbox 360

TAMPA, FL – While enjoying my usual drunken Monday evening routine watching the Ageless Bull lead the tormented Minnesota Vikings past the Green Bay Packers on Monday Night Football, my editor at LushForLife.com, Egbert Souse, phoned me with an urgent request. (more…)

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Ask Emma

“Dear Emma, How can I drink hard liquor excessively every night without acquiring that ugly, bumpy, red, contorted nose that heavy drinkers many times acquire? -Walter Rogers Eugene, Oregon t— Drink more Ovaltine. I don’t know! This is the worst question ever! Reading it has actually made me dumber. Face it: some people are just […]

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Five Women Every Man Must Date

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about women in all of my years, it’s that there’s only a few stereotypes, and they are all easily identifiable if you know what you’re looking for. In order to save you a lot of heartache and venereal diseases, I’ve compiled them into an easy to understand list. Live […]

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The Gideons International Unveils The ‘Bro-Bible’

NASHVILLE – A spokesman for Gideons International Christian charity said in a press conference yesterday from Nashville, Tennessee, that the charity is releasing a new translation of The Bible, entitled The New Bro-Bible. The decision to release a new version of the age-old religious text was driven from the Gideons’ desire to reach a much […]

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November Horoscopes

Aries: You have Bird Flu. Sorry. Better luck next time. Taurus: In a bizarre science experiment, you will crossbreed a horse and a wolf. You will dub this new creature with the name “worse.” It will be really fucking cool. (more…)

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Putting The Lard Back Into Christmas

LIVERPOOL, UK – So many of us have too much … too much junk, too much email, and too much blubber on our waists, thighs and buttocks. The season for giving comes once a year. Liverpool plastic surgeon, Dr Evan Stephens, believes we could all give more, and with deeper feeling, and feel better about […]

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Jesus Decides To Let The People Choose Next God

LAS VEGAS – After several weeks of deliberation between Christian bureaucrats in Heaven and on Earth led to no conclusion, Jesus has decided to not appoint a new God himself; he will allow the people of both Earth and Heaven decide who the next Holy Redeemer will be in the form of a democratic vote. […]

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“Men’s Health” Ranked Worst Magazine In The US

Tampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. […]

RIM To Release Crackberry Standard And Pro

crackberry

This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. […]

“Tase Me, Bro!” Says Sadomasochistic USF Student

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University […]

Danny’s Sports Box

No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only […]

Patriots Receive White House Support

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets […]