Dear Dr. Belvedere, 

I am nineteen years old and an aspiring model. Anna Nicole Smith has always been my idol and I am trying to follow in her footsteps. Do you have any advice on how I can go about my career and goals?

–Alana Nichole Smythe

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CRYSTAL RIVER, FL – Two teenagers put on eye make-up, but still look like jailbait, acquaintances say.

Hilary Sbarc and Veronica Dexter, referred to by their classmates as best friends forever, or BFF, invested in twenty-two dollars worth of eye-makeup last Thursday, in hopes of looking older and attracting older guys they meet at the mall. Continue Reading

Dr. Audrielle Belvedere is the resident Psychoanalyst at LushForLife.com’s main headquarters in Tampa, Florida. She will be answering your questions in a semi-regular fashion, giving blunt, frank advice to the sick minds that patronize the pages of L4L. Continue Reading

“Ahhh Christmas… [cough]… Ahhh the holidays. A time for joy, giving, and over the top political correctness. Filled with cheap, tacky lights, obnoxious Wal-Mart decorations, and those awkward moments in the office after you’ve wished someone a “”merry Christmas”" and then forgotten that they’re not one of the homogenized, beautiful, factory-processed Christians that make up a large number of our outstanding US population. The war on Christmas is simply out of control. Just yesterday in Oklahoma, a practicing Zen Buddhist strangled an over-weight and middle-aged, but well-intentioned office manager for being the fourteenth person that day to wish them a happy Christmas. How do you, as an upstanding member of the ideological clichÈ that is going to heaven, deal with these pagans? Well, here are some tips and ideas of making it through the continual desecration of our most holy of holidays:

First off, check the color of their skin. If they’re not white, there’s a good chance they lead a sinful existence. This is not definite, however. The tone of their skin is important, too. Lighter browns accompanied by a strange accent almost certainly clinch their burning in hellfire for all eternity, but a darker skin and a southern accent probably mean they just go to the wrong church.

Next, find out if the person to whom you are speaking is a pagan. Ask them politely if they have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Saviour. If they look uncomfortable, tell them you were only joking, but put a King James Bible in their desk drawer after they’ve left for the day to continue on with their evil lives.

Then bring up the issue of the war in Iraq. If they give you some pansy answer about how war is “”never the answer”", it guarantees they are lying, as they are certainly behind the war on Christmas. If they suggest the best exit strategy is to nuke the towel-heads back into the dark ages, get them a nice WWJD bracelet in silver for Secret Santa.

Finally, ask them what they did “”this time last year”", or what they “”normally do for vacation”". These Godless, secular questions won’t get you into trouble, but the answers should be telling. If their destinations have been anywhere other than in the continental United States, they’re a heretical, flagrant-anti-America who wants us to lose the War Against Terrorism, rapes babies, and eats at “”ethnic”" restaurants. Immediately witness to them and give them one of those little plastic-wrapped brochures about loving God that you carry around in your pocket at all times.

Following these strategies will, without fail, lead others around to a better life. So stock up on those little crucifixes you have from years of donations to CTN, those little, brightly colored WWJD bracelets, and those free, green pocket bibles they hand out at revivals and you’ll be all set and not a penny out of pocket (those tithes are coming up soon).

So from all of use here at Lush For Life, good luck and have a Blessed, Jesus-filled Holy Season, and a happy God-gifted New Year.

“

“PLANO, TX – These days, life at the Clarke residence is much more hospitable than it used to be, thanks in large part to a new series of Mac commercials which humorously differentiate between Mac and PC platforms.

Reginald Clarke, a forty-nine year old accountant, said that until he’d seen the commercials, he’d often fought with his son, 19-year-old Reginald Clarke, Jr., or “”Reggie”", over Reggie’s lifestyle choices.

“”We always used to be at each other’s throats,”" Clarke senior said.

“”I mean, I’m so straight-laced and he’s so…artistic, or whatever you want to call it, that we just couldn’t come to common ground. It was one of those, ‘hey, son, cut your hair’ type things, but much, much worse”"

Clarke junior agreed, saying he and his father often found contention with what he described as creative differences, explaining: “”He wakes up so early and is so stuffy about his suits being pressed and clean – it’s just so repressive, or something.”"

Clarke junior also said that his father didn’t understand his arduous work schedule, and often accused him of being lazy. “”Sure, he might wake up early and, like, go to an office and stuff, but I don’t get why I’m not as ‘responsible’ as he is just because I wake up a little later, and because before I go to work I just so happen to eat some Cap’n Crunch and watch ‘The Jetsons’ (or is it ‘The Jeffersons’?), for a couple hours”"

Clarke disagreed, saying his son doesn’t work, but “”just screws around playing guitar all day”" instead.

The younger Clarke, in turn, disagreed with his father, saying his band, Python Sunrise, is ‘seriously’ about to get a record deal which would make him richer than his ‘old man’.

Clarke junior also added that his father often chided him about hygiene, saying his father was so relentless about personal upkeep that he once sneaked into Reggie’s room and cut his hair when he was sleeping.

’Okay, I admit, it was a little weird,’ Clarke senior said. ‘But it was for his own good, and it did grow back. Rather quickly, come to think.’

The conflicts came to a crux, however, when Clarke senior kicked his son out of the house.

’He just started ragging on me again, so I called him out, and was I like, ‘you fascist,’ and he said, ‘well then leave,’ so I did.’

That week, Reggie slept in Python Sunrise’s 1992 Econoline minivan.

Reggie said that when he came home to gather personal effects and put them in a plastic milk crate he’d stolen from behind a 7-Eleven, his father was watching TV. The show went into intermission.

Though Reggie didn’t normally watch television because it’s ‘a corporate mind control machine that just tricks you into buying stuff’, he said the Mac commercial caught his eye even before he knew what he was seeing.

The premise of the particular commercial Reginald and Reggie saw, titled ‘Better’, highlighted the pros and cons of both computer platforms. In the advertisement, two men personify the Mac and PC systems. Mac sports unruly hair, a goatee, and a relaxed hoodie, whereas PC wears a stiff suit, glasses, and clean shave.

The different personalities both characters embody are thought to characterize the strengths and weaknesses of each computer. Whereas PCs are known for their day-to-day applicability, Macs are heralded for their flexibility and creativity.

At the conclusion of the commercial, which juggles both ‘agree to disagree’ and ‘Macs are better’ sentiments, Reggie Clarke approached his father, who was on the sofa, and they began to talk.

’The commercial – it was like looking in a mirror and seeing both of us,’ Reginald said. ‘I suddenly ‘got it’, that we were both better at different things, kind of like the computer, but that it was okay to be better at different things’

Reggie agreed, though in different words. ‘Yeah, my old man is totally boring like that guy in the commercial, but even though he was all bumbling and stuff, he could get along with the young guy that was really cool, like me’

’Because we were so similar to the characters in the commercial,’ Clarke senior explained, ‘it really made me reflect upon how we’d handled our relationship. PC didn’t cut Mac’s hair. They kind of just talked, which was really sweet.’

After several minutes of frank discussion, Reginald and son Reggie shook hands. They then made their way to the nearest Apple store at Pendleton Heights Towne Centre so that Reginald could buy his son a Mac computer.

’Sure, it was great making up with my dad. I really needed a steady place to live,’ Reggie said. ‘But still and all, the best part about seeing the commercial and making up was that my dad bought me a MacBook because of it. He said that since I’m a musician, I needed a tool to foster my creativity, or something. I agreed; the MacBook has let me get so much stuff done. Right after I got it and downloaded some porn, I immediately uploaded three Python Sunrise songs to the band’s Myspace page. It’s the most I’ve done in years. Now that I have a Mac, I can’t imagine life without it.’

Reggie said his band, Python Sunrise, was still waiting to hear back from Sony regarding its record deal.

“

“Rupert Murdoch has decided that we won’t have to watch O.J. Simpson explaining how he might have murdered Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown. With television special, “”If I Did It”", dead, and the book deal ditto, Mr. Murdoch has actually apologized to O.J.’s victims’ families.

Mr. Murdoch also, surprisingly, told Lush For Life that he would not sell his grandmother, if he still had one. His soul, however, was apparently auctioned off long ago.

The Lush For Life Research Department swung into action. We put “”Survivor”" on one television and a particularly disgusting episode of “”Fear Factor”" (involving eating something you don’t even want to think about) streaming on a computer screen. We added a “”Girls Gone Wild”" DVD on the other TV. The environment was then suited to a debate about the age-old question of how low people will stoop for money, or 15 minutes of fame.

We reviewed the anecdote in which George Bernard Shaw (or was it Churchill?) is reputed to have discussed the issue with Lady Astor. It needs some updating, so we gave it a facelift.

Bill Clinton: Yo, Condi. If I give you a million bucks, will you give me a blowjob?

Condi Rice: Why yes, Bill, I do believe I will.

BC: And for five bucks? Will you put out for five?

CR: Bill! Are you calling me a ho?

BC: Listen, lady, we’ve already established that. Now we’re just establishing your price.

A few years ago, Bernice Kanner found that, while 63% of Americans surveyed would kiss a stranger for $200, 75% would kiss a frog for $50. Only 20% would fight a heavyweight boxer for $100,000, but 59% percent would shave their heads for $10,000. 24% of good Americans would betray a friend’s secret for $3,000.

Once a million bucks is on the table, 65% of us would live on a deserted island for a year; 30% would serve six months in jail for a crime we didn’t commit; 10% would lend out a spouse for the evening. Only 25% of US citizens (patriots that we are) would spy for a foreign power, regardless of price.

Time for some more research. What would an undergraduate do in exchange for an evening’s ownership of a limo with a fully stocked bar? 78% of undergraduates would attend a lecture in their pajamas, fall asleep, and snore loudly.

Big deal. 94% of faculty and TAs say their students do this anyway.

I already know that people kill, steal, marry, and have sex for money. They bare their souls on daytime TV, and sell their honor, their relatives and the family silver. However, if you Google ‘strange things you’ve been paid to do’, the depth of human stupidity is laid out like a buffet.

Amidst the pay-per-hour bondage slaves, and people making money out of licking tomato puree off other people’s armpits, I was most impressed with a story from British Gas. The hapless employee’s job was to open up two different databases and manually type the records from one into the other. He did point out that this could be done automatically, but was told “if it was possible, they would have done it already”.

Somehow, plain stupidity can be more annoying than an absence of moral standards.

Of course, Rupert Murdoch has recently displayed both, but at least he apologized.

Now someone should find the morons in British Gas, and get them to follow suit.

“

In a monthly periodical, you, the readers of LushForLife, can submit questions to Danny Albertson, and he will forward a handful of them to Brett Favre in their monthly sit down Q and A.

Danny Albertson: In the wake of all that has changed and transpired within the world of politics during the last several days, I find myself sitting down with the mighty Brett Favre. In this time of change and uncertainty, there is no one else I’d rather have by my side, wading through this political whirlwind, Brett, and I hope all of you readers out there recognize the extreme luxury we all share in spending even the slightest moment with this great man. How are you, Brett?

Brett Favre: I have to tell you, I’m not really feeling like myself. I, like most of you good warm-blooded Americans out there, struggled through watching the Democrats take control on Capitol Hill earlier this week – and I haven’t felt like the same, good ol’ Brett since.

DA: Rather than refer to our mailbag, we’ll just do a one-on-one interview this week, so we can get to the bottom of all the hot topics that have transpired over the past several weeks, without the possibility of losing focus with silly, ridiculous questions that are unrelated to you.

BF: That’s fine with me, Danny. Obviously some of our readers are below me.

DA: I won’t lie to you and say that I’m not concerned for the state of our country. What do you suggest all of the remaining right-minded, god-fearing Americans do?

BF: Just hang in there, guys. That’s what I’m doing. Still reflect the same strength in yourselves that is present in all of our fearless Republicans leaders. We will survive; we will overcome.

DA: How do you think our executive regime will remain the dominant powerhouse that it has been for the last six years, now having to deal with the competition and desires of the Democrats?

BF: Well, this could be tricky. Ole ‘W’ won’t be able to get as much done for us, now, but I think with the right kind of teamwork and focus, we’ll be able to make some political splash plays. Years ago, when we [the Packers] were the best, we flaunted our skills and no one could touch us. George W. Bush has experienced similar things during the past several years – but now that some pieces of his team have been disbanded, he will have to step up and lead us all to the Promised Land and rightful place atop world diplomacy.

DA: You and the President have a lot in common. Both of you share similar political views, and you are both battle tested. Before he named Robert Gates his new Secretary of Defense, did the President contact you about the job opening?

BF: He did. I was glad to hear from him – we hadn’t spent any time together or share any words since we were awarded our doe-huntin’ licenses and went buck wild in Arkansas last winter. He offered me the job – which I told him, ‘I’m an offensive guy, not defensive’ – but I did give him some advice on whom to choose to replace Mr. Rumsfeld.

DA: How do you feel about Rumsfeld’s resignation? And what kind of response or backlash should the people give to the Democrats?

BF: It is a shame that the first thing the filthy Democrats demand is the removal of such a good leader. I feel we should torch the Senate and the House, and set the cities aflame.

DA: I know of your future political plans of running for office alongside your desired running mate Charles Barkley, but would you consider any other position along President Bush’s cabinet, acting as a springboard towards your personal political dominance?

BF: I’ve dominated on every level of competition I’ve been faced with in my life. Though Secretary of Defense isn’t for me, I think I could be an effective Secretary of War, or a war strategist. All talks of exit strategies from Iraq would dissolve, and we would have all out carnage – crushing them. Anyone who disputes our motives and decisions would fall subject to my mighty hand. The United States would reach new heights of political and economic dominance around the world, and all of our leaders and citizens would be remembered as gods.

DA: A likely and progressive outlook. Before I let you go, can you give me some warm, parting words for our readers regarding the loss of one of our field’s most respected reporters, Ed Bradley?

BF: He was a washed-up, old nigger journalist with an earring and a blood disease. He was a figurehead of the libs and an evil tool for the Jews. Who cares?

DA: Well put, I suppose?

“Aries: Estranged, chubby, trailer park trash super-star Britney Spears will arrive at your door in a panic. She will claim to have had a terrible nightmare where Ed Bradley of 60 Minutes told her to give up being a pop star and start a career as a naughty nurse waitress in Arizona. She will be pleading to use your phone, as she has been leaving her cell at home due to the risk to Kevin’s testicles, to call Reverend Ted Haggard for spiritual advice. Tell her to fuck off.

Taurus: Look forward to a trip this month. You will be required to take a business class flight to an exotic locale to sweet-talk an attractive, single executive into a set of beach condos that you will have to visit for a month every six months. On the flight over you will wake up in a panic and realize you are blind. Screaming in terror, you will cause a massive scene until you are restrained and arrested by an air marshal, who will remove your sleep-mask.

Cancer: You will become strangely enticed by a photo of a nude, sliced-up young girl in a brief case you saw on populationpaste.com. The images will remain with you for weeks until your bloodlust overpowers you and are forced to waste $2,300 on a Jean Paul Gaultier overnight bag.

Sagittarius: A terrible smoking accident will lead to you coughing up a lung. When the medical staff is presented with your lung, they won’t believe that it’s possible, and not believe you. I suggest bookmarking this page so you can show them this prediction to lend credibility to your story.

Capricorn: After a 3 day drug binge, an early morning session of Christian Television Network watching will introduce you to “”On Wings of Eagles”". Being moved to tears and in a completely irrational state of mind, you will decide to donate all that you own to CTN in order to get Jews out of Russia and into Palestine. This will be a poor decision – don’t do drugs.

Virgo: The decision whether or not to buy a PlayStation 3 will begin tearing your family apart. Not only will the dazzling graphics, smooth game-play, and sleek design put strain on your personal relationships, but the stunning array of titles will add tension to most situations at work, with your children, and your pets. Buy an Xbox 360; it’s less expensive and sucks, so it will not endanger your marriage.

Gemini: After a passionate night with a beautiful pseudo-celebrity, he or she will confess that they were drunk, have a deadly STD, and married to an extremely jealous homicidal maniac who has them followed by a team of ninja assassins. Goodbye.

Scorpio: After watching a thrilling rugby match at a quaint English-style pub, you will decide to try out for a local community rugby team. After a humiliating warm-up lap around the field, you will break your collarbone and left leg in a relatively soft tackle. For the next few years you will never talk about rugby to anyone, until the mental anguish has died down, and you will return to calling it a pussy sport for people not tough enough to play football.

Pisces: A disgruntled employee will alert the police that you have been parking in the company handicapped spot for the last three years because you’re too cheap to buy a parking permit. You’ll know whom it was when they burst out laughing as the police arrest you in the middle of a company lunch. Cut a plea deal by telling them about the meth you purchased from that employee which he makes in his apartment. I suggest reading the Prisoner’s Dilemma and a bit of Nash.

Libra: A disappointing bikini waxing will leave you feeling violated and cold. Some of the ripping and tearing along the sides of your genitalia will take weeks to heal, but the callous laughs of the toothless Asian woman who burnt your privates will take years to fade.

Leo: Congratulations! You will win a trivial amount of money from a scratch card at a grocery store with a cashier with a lazy eye. Unfortunately, by the time you get home, you will not be able to find the small sum. Searching your car, however, will reveal loose change worth about 23 cents more than your winnings, but for some reason this will depress you even more.

Taurus: Google will refuse to load on your home PC for some reason. Every few hours you will check again, but it won’t let you in to your customized home page, gmail, or news page. The fact that you can get to every other site on the Internet will frustrate you to the point of madness when you realize that without Google, you are nothing. Tears will run freely when your significant other types in www.google.com and it pops up first time.

“

“Something shocking has and is still happening on the streets of London. We have no power over this new movement. It is here and it is here to stay. While we may avert our gaze and try to deny this new horror, it will all be in vain. The Government, in a desperate bid to save those who have escaped this plague upon our green and pleasant land, has drawn up evacuation plans.

The Skinny Jeans are here and they are multiplying. When out on a night in London’s trendy bars and clubs, I am mobbed by skintight jeans worn by spotty art students and music industry gurus. Fashionistas have dumped their comfortable off-the-hip ripped hipsters. The crusties are trading in their flares and bell-bottoms. The GAP kids are no longer satisfied with their 40-dollar pair of drainpipes made in the sweatshops of the Philippines. The tides of fashion have come full circle. Once again, the evil skinny has washed up on the shores of the Thames and has been crowned the King of Denim.

Why? Why? Should I have such a problem with this new fashion? Why should I have such a hang up with variation and change? Well, I’ll tell you why. It means I am getting on, no longer one of the new kids on the block; I really am closer to thirty than twenty. Nothing to date has made me feel this more than the re-birth of the skinny pair of jeans. My fashion sense is no longer cutting edge (it never was that hot to begin with). I no longer represent the youf of today, my generation has been pigeon holed, a type no longer able to be flexible to create and re-create our self-image. That is all for the young spotty people to do. That may be our only recompense; I am acne free and enjoy reading the paper on a Sunday.

This is the new me – the non-smoking, responsible drug taking adult that my former 19 year old self would be mildly ashamed of.

“”Where is your sense of irresponsible recklessness?”"

? says the 19 year old me. I reflect silently on the question from the comfort of my armchair, kick off my slippers, and take a sip of my chamomile tea before responding.

“”Youf is wasted on the young and permanently wasted,’ as Wilde said. ‘Everything in moderation.”"

The 19 year old me sighs as he looks at the figure of his future and shakes his head muttering his reply.

Wilde also said, “”We are all born in the gutter but some of us look to the stars.”"

With that, I jump out of my armchair, stop all this existential self-questioning rubbish, grab a bottle of Bourbon (Wild Turkey aged 12 years) and head off to my mate’s Halloween party. I will never wear a pair of skinny jeans, but I still have the right to enjoy the multi-flavoured merits of debauchery. (Just so long as it’s not on a weeknight.)

“

WASHINGTON, DC – A special Grand Jury has been convened, and will sit on Monday to hear details of the case against Uriel Smart and Ophelia Payne, arraigned on treason charges for supporting the radical new doctrine of Terracentrism.

To anyone who looks at the world logically (like Bill O’Reilly), it is clear that the USA is the center of the world, and every person and nation on earth organizes all policy and action around the needs and concerns of the USA.

However, Dr. Smart and Ms. Payne has been preaching the counter-intuitive idea that there are many different nations and cultures on the Earth, and that each have concerns of their own, and that some of them actually do not even think about the USA as often as (for instance) they think about minor issues such as sex. This evil heresy is now officially known as Terracentrism.

Another such movement, Heliocentrism, was once allowed to go unchecked. Heretics like Aristarchus, Copernicus, and Galileo gradually spread their poisonous doctrine far and wide. Today, that weird concept of a sun-centered solar system has prevailed, but the Bush Administration is made of sterner stuff, and is determined to stay the course on eradicating the heinous Terrarist doctrine.

Anyone suggesting that North Korean nuclear programs, Iranian alliances, or Iraqi tribal loyalties are not directly tied to US politics will be subject to immediate questioning under the United States Military Commissions Act of 2006.

President Bush will be making a whirlwind tour of nine Southern states, next week, to launch the new War on Terrarism. At each stop, staffers will distribute decks of Fear Cards, featuring 54 characters, to remind voters how much they have to dread, and what horrors the Administration protects them from. Terrarists will feature prominently in the deck, with Uriel as the King of Diamonds and Ophelia as Queen of Spades.

The Three of Clubs is Mr. Yuri Pulsive, a Ukrainian chicken farmer, who has only thought about the USA five times in the last three years.

Loss of Iraq, loss of respect, and now loss of interest? How will Americans bear the crushing realization that not everyone on the planet sees things from their point of view, or focuses on their preoccupations all the time?

Fortunately, they will be protected from such a blow. We can safely assume, with Bill O’Reilly, that anything anyone does, anywhere, anytime, is all about us, the good ol’ egocentric USA… and that President Bush will not withdraw from the fight on Terrarism, even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting him.