Aries: Your life is gay this month. Taurus: On January 29th, at exactly 10:42 PM, the police will knock on your door. When you open the door, they will begin to ask you questions regarding a murder in the neighborhood. You won’t be able to answer any of their questions, and they will leave, only [...]
Aries: Unfortunately, your hair will fall out: but don’t worry… it will grow back on your ass. Taurus: Adam Sandler will arrive at your doorstep and play the Chanukah Song in celebration of the holiday season, and for an extra $20 he will also reenact the crucifixion of Jesus Christ in your front lawn for [...]
Aries: You have Bird Flu. Sorry. Better luck next time. Taurus: In a bizarre science experiment, you will crossbreed a horse and a wolf. You will dub this new creature with the name “worse.” It will be really fucking cool.
Aries: Don’t fly on planes. Taurus: Your hot temper and stubborn attitude will cause those close to you to keep their distance. In short, no one likes you…kill yourself.
Don’t Pull Out Too Soon
You Don’t Give a Shit About the Value of the Dollar
Entire Republican Party Stricken with Cancer
NFL Suicide Conspiracy Uncovered
Increase Your Metabolism Fast!
Subscribe to our e-mail newsletter to receive updates.
