Tampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. Petersburg Florida as the most depressing place to live and Tampa coming in close at third, Men’s Health magazine has been ranked as the Worst Magazine in the US.

The saddest city article was based on the magazine’s crack (smoking) reporting staff using the online tool SimplyMap, and looked at the amount of people taking antidepressants. Of course the “study” did not take into account the demographics (St. Petersburg has the highest ratio of people over the age of 65 in the country) or the reasons for people taking the medication or even that it could be inferred that it’s due to better access to health care.

The same publication recently elected Tampa as the worst city in the US based on scores such as “Lifestyle” which measured how much there is to do, access to ski resorts and average cost of housing, for which Tampa ranked 73rd after New York’s 72nd which of course makes perfect sense.  “What do you expect,” said Jhonas Bender, a leading Tampa Bay area evangelist and international man of mystery, “these are the same people who ranked Fargo North Dakota as the 7th happiest place to live in the country.  I guess if your idea of happiness is shoveling your station wagon out of the snow every freaking day then sunny beaches and a vibrant arts culture probably sounds pretty depressing to you.” However, the truth behind the new cities ranking is much more sinister than simple bad reporting and idiotic statistical interpretations.

Most famous for its in-depth reporting on topics such as “How to improve your online dating profile” and “How to seduce any woman,” Men’s Health magazine has now been found to be the worst magazine in the United States by statistical analysis.

The study was conducted by the Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics Foundation of Dubuque, Iowa, most famous for finding the correlation between low IQ and light beer consumption. The magazines where scored on five factors: Quality of Writing; Over-Used Headlines; Fear Mongering; Relevancy; and General Idiocy. Men’s Health was received scores of 87, 100, 75, 98 and 99 respectively for the categories, beating out some tough competition for the worst rag in the United States like “Pet Rock Connoisseur” and “Genital Mutilation Enthusiast.”
The magazine was given an ‘Over-Used Headline’ score of 100 for basically publishing the same issue over and over again. “Internal consistency is important if you want to be a great publication,” said senior editor Bill Phillips in defense, “that’s why we have a ‘How to get six pack abs in six weeks’ article every edition.”

Often referred to as a “leading light in journalism” by many of its editorial staff, Men’s Health has pioneered creative marketing and sales strategies in this world of sadly declining print media. “No one had even thought of sending trial editions of a magazine to people who didn’t want it and then invoicing them for the two free editions a month later before we did it,” said Author Rocks, a former Men’s Health sports editor. “When they didn’t pay, we sent their asses to a collection agency. Soon most of our ‘subscribers’ realized that they couldn’t mess with us and we became unstoppable. I just don’t see how these folks could consider Men’s Health to be anything but the greatest magazine ever published.”

It seems that the new rankings have taken a serious toll on the senior staff at the magazine. Deputy Editor Adam Campbell has decided to quit the magazine citing “I just can’t look at my self in the mirror any more, giving gay men eating disorders just doesn’t seem to give me the same joy it used it.” And “New Projects Editor” Gabe Guarente was found dead in his Emmaus, Pennsylvania apartment Wednesday. Guarente left a beautifully penned suicide note stating, “I can’t go on. I have an English degree from Tufts University for God’s sake! Every day I have to correct the grammar and punctuation of writers whose main qualifications are ‘former fitness instructor’ and ‘great pecks’. I told them, if I have to edit one more damned story on spray tanning I was going to kill myself! They laughed – now who’s laughing? – GG”
Update: Three more senior editorial staff at Men’s Health have now tragically taken their own lives, citing reasons ranging from unbearable sexual harassment to the inability to deal with the frequent misuse of semi-colons.

This is not the first time that the pubescent publication has come under fire for its ranking systems. In 2000 Men’s Health ranked UMass – a campus where women had recently been plagued by a serial rapist – as one of the nation’s worst colleges for men. Their rational: Too much of: Women’s studies, feminism, multiculturalism, enforcement of Title IX, strong sexual harassment policies.

“The thing is you see,” said Arthur Rocks, “is that if you’re not a white, male, English speaking, red-meat eating, self-obsessed narcissist, we just don’t like you. Why do you think Tampa and St. Petersburg continuously get trashed by the magazine? You people and your artsy-fartsy cultural nonsense, your ethnic diversity and high rates of pay equality for women just make me sick. Real cities like Emmaus are 96% white, women make 66% less than men and are named after places in the Bible. Just because you people have three times the job growth, better access to health care, lower hypertension rates, more universities, twice the money spent on the arts per person, better weather, and some of the best beaches in the world doesn’t mean anyone would want to live in your stinking hellhole.”

It seems that because the Tampa Bay area is consistently named one of the best places for singles, raising a family, access to health care, retirees, safety, cultural and ethnic diversity, recreation, and access to education means that folks whose primary concern in life is finding “The Best New Hair Products for Men” couldn’t stand to live here.

However it must be true. If you read Men’s Health, you know that all men are buff, all woman are half-naked and everything is better grilled. These truths are so self-evident that it must mean that the Tampa Bay area is the worst place in the country to live and that everyone in St. Petersburg is one step away from killing themselves, probably because they couldn’t get those six pack abs in six weeks.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You will wake up this morning and find a red, swelled lesion seeping puss on the either the tip of your penis, or the edge of your labia. You might as well just cut it off… you weren’t going to use it anyway.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): After getting an urge to discover new, interesting music, your roommate will suggest Alan Parsons Project. You should, without thinking, shove a scorching hot fire poker through their skull.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): The city of Tampa will grant funds to rebuild your run-down and ghetto ridden neighborhood. After a construction crew fixes all the potholes in the road, you will witness your crack-dealing neighbor smashing new holes in the middle of the street with a pickaxe.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Feeling bored one afternoon, you decide to take a shit into a freezer-sized Ziploc bag and mail it to your mother. You are surprised when you find out how expensive postage is for your bowel movement.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): You will become a guitar legend this month. You will purchase the newest version of Guitar Hero, and whoop all of your nephew’s friend’s asses. You will dominate and become addicted to the game, and after 6 months of playing, you realize if you committed that time to playing a real guitar you might actually be decent.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): While watching a Brian Billick press conference, you will be unable to find your thesaurus and will have no idea what he is talking about. This will be enough to get you to go back to college.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You will have a dream about fucking your mother with a splintered broom handle. That is disgusting.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): You decide you want to broaden your horizons and watch a soccer game this month. It was a nil-nil draw, and completely terrible. So much for that…
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): After having a spiritual experience, you will feel like you are psychic. You will start writing your own horoscopes and will completely disagree with L4L predictions. Except for this one.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You will become addicted to Danielle Steele novels. Enjoy!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): While getting your paper one morning, you will notice your neighbors walking their dogs have matching haircuts and complementing clothing. You will at first think you are in the twilight zone, but realize it’s just Tampa Palms.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): You make a mistake and pick up today’s copy of the USF Oracle. After actually reading it from front to back, you’ll never make that mistake again, and will only read L4L from that point on.

I was hiding from the Editor in the basement stairwell, when he appeared beside me and started eating the sub I was saving for lunch. “Gale,” he said in that gentle voice we all hate more than his roar. “I want a story about the people who still support Bush.”
I breathed a sigh of relief, but he can read minds. “No! No retired Marine colonels or bugger-you-I’ve-got-mine-now-don’t-raise-my-taxes suburbanites. It’s summer. Take a nice road trip. The base in the heartland… that sort of thing. We know our local morons; let’s put a face on the rest of them. L4L’ll pay a carbon offset for your gas.”
I accepted my fate, packed, and drove north until I came to storefronts boosting their sales with posters like “How can we get Bush to go hunting with Cheney?” or “Bush’s approval rating is approaching his IQ”. I bought a t-shirt with my usual “I think, therefore I am an Independent”, and turned southwards, looking for the devils with Red State hearts and lobotomized brains, whom we could blame for the ills of the nation.
At first, the mountains of West Virginia seemed more interesting than politics (we do, after all, live on a sandbank in Florida) and further south, my search for the devils was fragmented when a promising town was hosting a dog-show. Somehow, the conversation was more about dogs than Bush, politics, Iraq, or the economy, although Michael Vick and Mitt Romney were both toast in the eyes of the locals for their treatment of canines.
In North Carolina, I spotted a flag that was a composite of the NC and confederate flags. Paydirt. I had found some devils and I could bring the editor more than stories of scenery or beautiful bull terriers.
I booked in at the nearest cluster of economy hotels and checked out the area. Tidy, unostentatious, peaceful, with few signs of wealth. Everything was neat, with few movie-style broken-down redneck nests. There were churches, but they were large and established, not the one-church-per-mile crazy-named sects of the northern Florida Bible Belt. No more confederate flags. Schools, small businesses, manufacturing plants…
In the diners, the devils were enjoying themselves. A bowl of watermelon pieces cost a dollar, a chilidog cost two. Everyone knew everyone else, and the laughter and lilting Southern accents hypnotized visitors. A kid climbed warily into my arms. Good people, friendly people, pleasant, honest, simple, ordinary people. Red state voters who still support Bush.
The floor of the diner looked at least thirty years old, worn, old fashioned pale blue mosaic. I asked, and listened, and the world views of the people were the same… set in cement in a well trodden pattern, held in place by all the other matching little pieces.
Outside, the world changes too fast. Earning a living is harder and more complex every year. There are so many things to understand. Everyone says something different. It works for us to stick together, and we need to keep to what works for us.
I tried to imagine any one of the tightly knit communities stepping back to reassess and analyze the current US political morass, and break out in a new direction.
Some of the red-hearts are finding the energy to face up new and bewildering economic challenges. Tiny rural businesses have websites. Ex-millworkers are venturing into e-commerce, or testing the national market… terrified as they do so.
Can they also afford to question the unchangeable comforts of their communal life at the same time, hang out a rainbow flag and an anti-Bush banner, rethink the meaning of the universe and spurn the church picnic for the angry isolation of blogging about avant-garde art and the nuances of civil rights?
They put their trust in George W, and he led them in to a cul de sac. Now, with no place to go, they “support” him because they see no other options. But they don’t want to talk about it. They don’t want to think about it. Focus on making a living, do the best you can by families and friends, and if anyone asks, agree that you support the president, then change the subject immediately.
The base is a political wilderness where the main survival technique is “think about something else”. Like watermelon, or pie… peach pie, said with that lilting Southern accent.
I told the Editor how nice they were, how friendly, how kind, how betrayed. He was furious than I hadn’t brought him any pie.

LYNCHBURG, VA – Jerry Falwell, the moral and spiritual beacon for all God-fearing, minority-loathing, gun-toting, Jew-hating, science-snubbing, feminist-fearing, violence-endorsing Christians died Tuesday at 73 from heart rhythm abnormality.

The Reverend’s heart failure seems to have been caused by over-excitement during a liaison with one of his many regular Mexican male prostitutes at his office at Liberty University. The rent-boy, José-Ernesto, who met with Doctor Falwell on Tuesday, told The Associated Press that the Reverend was wearing a Tinky Winky costume when he arrived for their weekly meeting. Teletubby Falwell apparently died half-way through being orally pleasured by José-Ernesto. The Mexican prostitute admits that his job was made difficult by the bulky outfit, and when he realized that the Reverend was not singing the children’s television show theme song anymore, he slipped out the door.

Thirty minutes later, when Jessica Balm, a student at Liberty, came to visit the Doctor during his office hours, she says that it took her a few minutes to realize that the Teletubby with the raging rigor mortis hard-on sticking through the custom-made flap was, in fact, a deceased Reverend Falwell.

Falwell dodged the evangelical men-of-God sex scandals of the 1980’s when Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, and Marvin Gorman played with young, supple forbidden fruit, and then avoided the same fate as the methed-up, man-whore banging Reverend Ted Haggard. But the Reverend Falwell’s last act is controversial for one very important reason. Falwell said that “Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them.” Considering that Doctor Falwell opposed gay marriage, some consider this hypocritical. When asked to comment, José-Ernesto said he wouldn’t have married him anyway. But Falwell’s son, imaginatively named Jerry Falwell Jr., said that the famous televangelist is up in heaven right now discussing with God how gays, Jews (present company excluded, Jesus), and pretty much anyone who isn’t like him are ruining the world. As Falwell himself said in his Christ-like manner: “If you’re not a born-again Christian, you’re a failure as a human being.”

Falwell was respected by all for his many sensible beliefs, including his theory that God was not protecting America from terrorists due to the country’s secular population, that AIDS is God’s answer to homosexuality and the society that tolerates it, that the Antichrist is a Jew running around right now, and that, of course, Tinky Winky is a flamingly gay icon planted in the Teletubbies to turn our children into hairdressers.

Unfortunately, as Falwell often insisted would be the case on his last day, he did not hear the trumpet, and he did not instantly disappear in a rapture to meet the Big Man, leaving his Teletubbie attire behind with the heathen prostitute. But, the Reverend, known for contributing so much good to the world, did die with a smile on his face.

The Vatican has examined road use and misuse, and found mankind in need of new guidance in this area.
Lush For Life convened a focus group of AAs (Average Americans) to debate the Vatican’s “Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road”, and found that they think the bar has been set a bit high.
After a rousing debate about the new commandment, “Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin,” L4L began a national search for standards that AAs can agree on. The results are as follows:
1. Thou shalt not consider use of a car for personal glorification, but employing one to impress hot (wo)men, or to put one over uppity colleagues or irritating neighbors can be considered part of stimulating the economy.
2. Try not to covet thy neighbor’s hot vehicle, but if it is a hybrid, and thou art a conservationist, this might be okay.
3. Thou shalt not fornicate in a car, unless related to a needy chiropractor, or if thou honesty cannot afford a motel. Even then, thou shalt wisely check that the other party is not in a committed relationship (with someone else), and shalt follow safe sex practices.
4. Thou shalt obey speed limits within reason, unless thou didst really and truly leave early for class, and hast not lied about being “late for the meeting because of the traffic” in the last two weeks.
5. Thou shalt not splash pedestrians with water, mud, etc. This, if deliberate, is a threat to thine immortal soul. The fact that thou was talking on thy cell phone or listening to the game is no excuse.
6. The road shall be unto thee a channel of communication and courtesy. Thus shalt thou consider indicating before swerving into the lane one yard ahead of thy fellow motorist, wait more than a nanosecond before leaning on thy horn when a traffic light turns green, and even refrain from tailgating anyone driving less than twenty miles over the speed limit.
7. Thou shalt not have fantasies about thy door flying open as thou passes racing bikers with tight buns. If thou wentest to gym regularly, thou wouldst have tight buns, too.
8. Thou shalt not fear stopping to help at an accident. It is entirely possible, even in this litigious society, that the victims wilst not sue thee.
9. Wine makest glad the heart of man (Ps 104, v15) but save it for when thou art not behind the wheel. The carts were a lot slower in those days, so update thy mentality and don’t drive under the influence of more than two beers.
10. If thou drivest over the speed limit, thou deservest a citation and traffic school and points on thine insurance, if thou art stupid enough to be caught.
11. When thy friends have looked upon the wine when it is red, take thou their keys with kindness, and do not make them to lie down upon thy bathroom floor for long periods in their own puke. Next time it might be thee.
12. Thou shalt not swear at the blue-hairs, nor the shrunken little old ones who cannot see over their steering wheels, despite sitting on pillows. Surely such expletives will follow thee in the last days of thine own life, when thou too shalt be old, and shall clog the highways and intersections with thy 1978 mint-condition Ford.

The Mitt Romney Codicil
Thou shalt not strap any living being, human or animal, on top of thy car for 12-hour road trips. Torture is reserved for the Vice President and the Attorney General and their minions.

It’s that glorious time of the year again! Our Nation’s birthday is here and boy, could it use some cheering up. Maybe a present or two – nothing fancy; just some peace pipes, tea cups, sauerkraut, potatoes, and some little wooden shoes (she’s multi-cultural). Yup, grab that American brew, toast the Founding Fathers, praise the Constitution, and celebrate liberty and freedom for all. Ooh! And hot-dog eating contests! Those are my favorite.

Unfortunately, this year, it looks like the World hot dog eating champion Takeru Kobayashi is not going to be able to make it to the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney Island, Brooklyn. The poor guy is suffering from a sports related injury and is experiencing acute jaw pain. That’s alright, he’s Japanese, and it’s about time we Americans show them who can eat a goddamned hot dog! It’s pretty sad that the only way we could beat the world at making a better car, sustaining the environment, winning a (gasp!) baseball game, or even a hot dog eating contest would be to ask the Japanese not to show up… well… and maybe the Germans, the Swedes, the English and the French… damn. I bet we’d kick the pants off some Norwegians at football (the American kind of course… the one you play with your hands).

Well, that’s fine – we’ll still sit down and drink a nice cold Budweiser and grill out in the Florida heat. On second thought, I like beer, so I think I’ll have to drink something made in a country where they know what beer is – not this watered down gnat’s urine that Anheuser-Busch tries to pass off as beer. In fact, Budweiser is not even considered a beer by some experts, as it’s made with over 60 percent brewer’s rice, which is basically the cheapest, leftover broken rice you can find, rather than hops and barley. Maybe I’ll just stick to lemonade. At least the conversation will be good.
We’ll cheer the brave men and women who fought the evil British and won the freedom to govern ourselves. Yes, those great Americans are who we should all strive to be – patriotic, brave, and British… What? Yes, they were Englishmen fighting a civil war. They won, kicked the other English out and stopped playing cricket. Really? Yes. Well, I never thought about it like that. Well, that’s because you’re an idiot. Aaah, thank you. My pleasure. Oh well, at least they got rid of their idiot king, which gave them the right to elect their own idiot tyrant.
They were however, still great men. The Founding Fathers were the greatest thinking people of their time. We thank God for their brave ideas and strong leadership. Well, maybe not God… Jefferson was a strong deist (someone who believes in a higher power, but one that doesn’t influence or have anything to do with human life). George Washington was also a deist and a strong proponent of religious tolerance, saying, “If they be good workmen, they may be from Asia, Africa, or Europe; they may be Mohammedans, Jews, or Christians of any sect, or they may be Atheists.” That’s probably why so many persecuted Jews came to the States; they felt it would become the most tolerant country on the planet. I guess it’s better that we think whatever we want to, and remember that this country is not based on Christianity, but rather tolerance, and a strong belief that Church and State are both good, but never the twain should meet. They would be pissed at the White House Office of Faith Based Initiatives.
But their legacy to us can never be tarnished. We’ll raise our glasses of cold lemonade and thank Buddha for the Constitution. Standing as a shining beacon to those throughout the world unfortunate enough not to belong to a Democracy. We’ll just make sure they don’t see the secret prisons, Guantanamo Bay, illegal wire-tapping, torture, control over congressional hearings, passing executive orders to stop the release of presidential papers, suspending habeas corpus, or the making up of lies to start wars for whatever reason we want. We’ll just sweep those under the rug and tell the rest of the world that this is the greatest country on earth!
Good God/Allah/Buddha/Krishna/Shiva/Jehovah/ Elegua (The Nigerian God of crossroads), et al, how am I going to celebrate the birth of my Nation without feeling like a complete hypocrite? I know! Fireworks! I still have my beautiful, made in Mexico, explosives! I’ll just be very careful not to hurt any small children or animals (Mitt Romney I’m watching you) and pray to whatever God I believe in that the 4th in 2008 looks a whole lot better.

Capricorn: Take it easy this month. Things that come easy to you will suddenly become more difficult. To relax, you will spend your time watching TV. Some of your favorite shows will include: Leave it to Beaver, Peyton Place, Dynasty, and The Andy Griffith Show.

You share your sign with J. D. Salinger.

Aquarius: You will become very involved in your work and/or hobbies this month; so much that it becomes an obsession. You will begin to talk incessantly about hunting birds and about pine nuts, peanuts, and pistachio nuts.

You share your sign with Christopher Guest.

Pisces: Get your White Sox on! Baseball will be your new best friend this month. You will yell and scream, and hopefully not get kicked out of the baseball game. You will also have to ask yourself, “Would you eat the moon if it were made out of ribs?”

You share your sign with Harry Caray.

Aries: You return to your simple cracker barrel roots when you develop a crush on a braided blonde country girl, so get out your moonshine and swill, because you’ve got a date with a deaf, dumb, and blind hillbilly.

You share your sign with Buddy Ebsen.

Taurus: No matter what happens to you this month, keep it funky and plead no contest.

You share your sign with James Brown.

Gemini: Like in Monopoly, sometimes you just got to go to jail. You befriend a white banker, play some harmonica, see Rita Hayworth films, and live out the rest of your days on the beach in Mexico. The only catch is, your job is to narrate for the rest of your life.

You share your sign with Morgan Freeman.

Cancer: Your testicles will finally drop. Congratulations! This is good news, of course, for all of you post-pubescent boys. Bad news for you, sister!

You share your sign with Allen Ginsberg.

Leo: Sorry, you die this month in a horrible accident on the autotrain. Guess you should have driven, lazyass!

You share your sign with George “Dubya” Bush.

Virgo: You will finally get that settlement you have been waiting for. Though it will be worth millions of dollars, you will bet it all on 13 Black at the roulette wheel in a cheesy reservation casino. You will lose and then be beaten by a mob of angry Native Americans after you insult them with ridicule of their fine sovereign lands.

You share your sign with Paul Harvey.

Libra: You will find out that you are adopted, and that your real mother has a rare type of diabetes that is passed down to the first-born child (you) in 99 percent of cases, and the mortality rate is zero.

You share you sign with Arthur Rimbaud.

Scorpio: You will do nothing at all this month, unless you consider sitting on your fat ass watching A-Team reruns something.

You share your sign with Joseph McCarthy.

Sagittarius: Lesbian albino rhinos will stampede your home, leaving you crippled and your cat with post-traumatic stress disorder. Your insurance company will confuse your claim with your kitty’s, and it will be denied.

You share your sign with Mary Todd Lincoln.

HEAVEN – Amidst all the turmoil currently weaving through the political hierarchy in Heaven over the past several weeks, the recently deceased former evangelical/hate monger/follower of Christ, Jerry Falwell, made his official announcement, Sunday, on his plans of running in the upcoming God Election. The announcement has deflected attention from the recent Lush For Life scoop of a murder committed by the late Holy Redeemer in 1974, and has acted as a breath of fresh air in the hearts and minds of a number of Heaven residents and politicians.

“I would like to make it known to all of the God-fearing community in Heaven and on Earth that my career in the ministry is far from over,” Falwell said mass telepathic prayer early Sunday morning. “I plan on running for the unoccupied Godship position left vacant by our fallen King of kings and Lord of lords. I look forward to leading the whole Christian world into the remainder of eternity, and beyond.”
“My first act, if elected, will be to change the perception of Sunday as the official day of rest for the Christian community,” Falwell said. “Sunday was the day that He rested; I have no plans of resting anymore. Sunday will now be the official day to spew hatred towards minorities, gays, pro choicers, or anyone else who is not a white, conservative, heterosexual, practicing Southern Baptist.”
Falwell’s entrance into the election has caused a rekindled interest in winning the God position, and has found a number of other candidates in a scramble jockeying for religious and political position. It is unclear whether Falwell will attempt to seize a party nomination from an already appointed candidate, or if he will run on a different ticket. Catholic Party nominee Craig T. Nelson held a press conference Sunday afternoon strongly opposing Falwell’s late entry into the election, calling his intentions “ungodly and self-serving.” Some candidates, like Lutheran Party nominee Tom Snyder, have offered a sharply different opinion of Falwell. “Jerry poses a threat to those not willing to accept his majesty and commitment to performing the Lord’s good work. I would be pleased to have Jerry on board for my campaign,” Snyder said to Lush For Life correspondent Rob Johnson.
Due to Falwell’s popularity among Christian fundamentalists and Southern Baptists, and his years of using his ministry for political meddling, sources from Heaven feel that Falwell will be an unpredictable wild card in the election.
“Jerry has an intrinsic ability to use his beliefs to influence millions of unassuming and impressionable Christians,” Heaven resident and member of the Heaven Oversight Committee the Apostle Paul said to Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks. “His strong feelings against homosexuality and abortion hit close to home with a large number of the eligible electorate,” Paul said.
New facts surrounding Falwell gathered by Heaven insider and Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks just before press time indicate that his intentions on running for the vacant God position may prove to be more difficult than the late evangelist once imagined.
According to Obadiah, member of the Heaven Oversight Committee, an in-depth analysis of Falwell’s Christian files and dossier of good deeds conducted by Jesus and the Oversight Committee indicate that Falwell is not eligible to enter Heaven. An error in the processing of Falwell’s application allowed for his temporary admittance, according to Heaven’s gatekeeper Saint Peter. Falwell was, reportedly, forcefully ejected from his gold and silver constructed, diamond-lined villa overlooking downtown by Heaven enforcement officers, as well as members of Jesus’ personal secret service team following a violent outburst.
“Upon investigation of Mr. Falwell’s file, we have determined that even though he appeared to be a God-fearing Christian who invited me into his heart, he was actually a really bad, evil person,” Jesus said to Arthur Rocks. “His hatred towards large groups of people and his accusation that homosexuals and abortions caused the September 11th attacks ultimately have damned him to Hell for all eternity,” Jesus said.
The late evangelist’s banishment to Hell has caused the majority of his political supporters to turn their back and pull their campaign funding. The new resident of Hell has received a new supporter, however, in Purgatory figurehead and Hell Party candidate Satan, and has no plans of backing out of the election just yet.
“Due to my unforeseen and unfair banishment from Heaven, I plan on remaining in the election, but for the Hell Party, as Satan’s running mate,” Falwell said to Rob Johnson while playing a hand of canasta with Richard Nixon and James Brown from the seventh level of Hell. “Jesus will regret this – mark my words,” Falwell said. “Now he’s got two defectors on His hands, and we are itching to get back into those pearly gates.”
As a result, all of the funds accumulated by Falwell’s ministry have been seized by Jesus, and will be equally dispersed among all of the other God Election candidate’s campaign funds.

Danny Albertson: Here we are, back from the ancient, backwood lands of Kiln, Mississippi, and back in the cozy confines of the luscious Lush For Life Headquarters in Tampa. I am once again blessed to have the luxury of spending a few small moments with none other than the one and only, the Immaculate Brett Favre. Much has happened since the two us shared a warm Milwaukee’s Best on your John Deere, Brett. How have you been?
Brett Favre: Quite frankly, life has been shit, lately, Danny. Worthless as a rotted gasket on the wrong side of a potbelly pig’s noodle in a farmhouse gangbang.
DA: Not sure what you mean. What’s been the problem?
BF: For starters, the ol’ management in Green Bay’s suckin’ the grease outta a toothless hooker’s gums. I made it clear I wanted that colored fella Randy Moss on my team as my split end. Them sunsabitches wouldn’t know a Lombardi Trophy if it came up and gave ‘em a stiff slammer jammer in their ol’ tail pipe. And meanwhile, that bastard Aaron Rodgers is still tryin’ to get my playbook Cliff’s Notes. That sumbitch shoulda been traded to Oakland fer ol’ Moss so we get a dern championship ‘round here.
DA: Why do the team executives fail to listen to you, Brett? Don’t they know, like we all do, or at least I do, that Brett knows best?
BF: Well, shit. I guess not. I am Green Bay. I am football. I am America. I’m every rosy-colored perfectly packaged dream ever imagined. If you don’t listen to me, you askin’ for some serious hurtin’.
DA: If life in football is so bad, then why don’t you just hang it up and retire? Go out on your own terms instead of on your back with a shattered knee and in need of reconstructive hip surgery.
BF: I could never do that. My fans need me and this country needs me. In this time of uncertainty and confusion, the world needs something, and someone, they can believe in. I provide that to all of my adoring hordes of mindless followers.
DA: On another note, what is your opinion of the current Nextel Cup race? Who do you like?
BF: I tell ya, I always like to side with ol’ Junior. I never like to bet against DEI and Junior. That ol’ bastard Waltrip sure can race his freggin’ Chevy ‘round that sumbitch fast as a sumbitch. I can’t stand ol’ Matt Kenseth and his stupid face, and that Juan Pablo Montoya has gotta go. Someone really should step up and put that greasy bastard outta his misery. How dare he drive the 42 car and not be ashamed of himself.
DA: Who is worthy of driving the 42?
BF: Pat Tillman is the 42 and no one else is even worthy of his greatness. Except me, for obvious reasons.
DA: Not even, say, Jackie Robinson. No one wears the number 42 in all of baseball for what he did for the game and the progression of civil rights.
BF: No comment.
DA: What about all this speculation that Tiger Woods is in fact the greatest golfer the world has ever known?
BF: Don’t gimme that bleedin’ heart crap. Ol’ Jack Nicklaus would wipe the floor with him and any of these other garden variety make-believin’ golfers.
DA: Well, Brett, that’s about all the time I’ve got for you today. Before I let you go, how is your family?
BF: I’m glad you asked. My wife’s breast cancer has resurfaced in her other breast and we’re probably going to have to chop it off. Ol’ Doc said she’d have to have some surgery and some chemo, but I told him I could just lop it off in the ol’ shed with my granddaddy’s machete. They don’t make steel like they used to, sure enough. My mother has heart and brain cancer. My sister had her leg removed after fallin’ down some stairs. One of my daughters lost an eye last week and my brother-in-law lost his arm to match his amputated leg. You’ll hear all about it in my exclusive primetime featured interview on SportsCenter for the next six weeks.
DA: Sounds good to me. There’s no such thing as too much Brett.

LARGO, FL – The city of progress took another giant stride in the direction of change Friday morning after firing City Manager Steve Stanton for wishing to don a dress and rule the city iron-fistedly as Susan Stanton.
Recently re-elected City Commissioner Mary Gray Black sponsored legislation calling for a removed, cordoned-off section of town, tentatively designated “the gaytto”. The bill would also allow for “gays only” bathrooms, water fountains, courtrooms, and a special section on the city bus line.
“We can’t have no fairies or trans-whatever-they-is deviants prancing around the good wholesome God fearin’ Christian folk, gayin’ shit up,” Black said. “I mean, have you ever been in one of them gay bars or sex shops? Those places reek of eau de sodomy. It’s all disgusting, if you ask me.”
It is Black who called the emergency meeting, which ended in Stanton’s termination.
The legislation includes a clause forcing all gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual, and transgender people to register if they plan on spending more than a week in Largo.
“The idea is, we would take a look at anyone driving a Volkswagen or any guy with good hair and well-groomed fingernails, paying special attention to body hair,” said Largo Sheriff Lester Aradi. “If we were suspicious that they were, um, a little different, we would hold them in a special cell. If they passed our straight tests, they would be free to go, but if they fail, we affix a special rainbow-colored triangle to their outer layer of clothing and let the go in the, um, gaytto.
The preliminary plans also allow for a rainbow colored wall topped with razor wire around a small, largely disenfranchised part of town.
“Them gays would be allowed to leave for eight hours a day,” said Black. “They could work and shop in special gay grocery stores, but we can’t have ‘em breathin’ all over our pertaters and such.”
According to Black, gay, lesbian, transsexual, and transgender people would then be forced back into their “gaytto”. The bill allows for the formation of a special branch of the Largo sheriff’s office called the Gaystapo.
“Basically, the Gaystapo would consist of about ten officers,” said Aradi. “They would be well-armed, with full body armor, and have 24/7 access to straight, soft-core porn.”
According to Aradi, the new police force would cost an additional $200 million annually.
Black plans to fund the changes in part with donations from the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, KS.
“Well, our church believes in the depravity of a godless people like them homa-sexuals,” said Preacher Jerom Zanchius. “We would sponsor any town that did anything like this.”
Accordingly, the Gaytto’s full name will potentially be “the Godhatesfags.com (but loves hatemongers) Gaytto”.
The bill has met with some condemnation. Largo Mayor Pat Gerard vehemently opposes the bill.
“Oh, God, I think I just threw up in my mouth a bit, excuse me,” she said. “This is the most asinine thing I have ever heard. I think I’m moving if this gets seconded.”
According to sources close to Black, which wish to remain anonymous due to potential for violent retribution, Black was once a man herself.
“I would go on the record, but the bitch is built like a brick shithouse,” said one anonymous source. “I used to clean her pools and I once saw her well defined package under a rather revealing bathing suit. I think she had that taken care of, though. You know, snip, snip.”
Most Largo residents wouldn’t respond to repeated attempts for comment, fearing lower property values and horrible reputations.
However, local activist Sandy Lears stated in an e-mail, “This is the most retarded, fucking ridiculous bullshit I’ve heard of.”
Not all residents of Largo hate the idea however.
“I love the shit,” said one, real-tree camouflage sporting Largo Resident. “Help me hoist these meats and shits into my new truck; it’s got a four-foot suspension raise. It’s a pain to keep goin’ up and down that dern ladder.”
The cost of the overall plan has been approximated to total at around $4.2 billion.