Danny Albertson: Here we are, back from the ancient, backwood lands of Kiln, Mississippi, and back in the cozy confines of the luscious Lush For Life Headquarters in Tampa. I am once again blessed to have the luxury of spending a few small moments with none other than the one and only, the Immaculate Brett Favre. Continue Reading

In a monthly periodical, you, the readers of Lush For Life, can submit questions to Danny Albertson, which he will forward on to Brett Favre, in their ongoing conversations.
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Dear Dr. Belvedere, 

I am nineteen years old and an aspiring model. Anna Nicole Smith has always been my idol and I am trying to follow in her footsteps. Do you have any advice on how I can go about my career and goals?

–Alana Nichole Smythe

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Dr. Audrielle Belvedere is the resident Psychoanalyst at LushForLife.com’s main headquarters in Tampa, Florida. She will be answering your questions in a semi-regular fashion, giving blunt, frank advice to the sick minds that patronize the pages of L4L. Continue Reading

In a monthly periodical, you, the readers of LushForLife, can submit questions to Danny Albertson, and he will forward a handful of them to Brett Favre in their monthly sit down Q and A.

Danny Albertson: In the wake of all that has changed and transpired within the world of politics during the last several days, I find myself sitting down with the mighty Brett Favre. In this time of change and uncertainty, there is no one else I’d rather have by my side, wading through this political whirlwind, Brett, and I hope all of you readers out there recognize the extreme luxury we all share in spending even the slightest moment with this great man. How are you, Brett?

Brett Favre: I have to tell you, I’m not really feeling like myself. I, like most of you good warm-blooded Americans out there, struggled through watching the Democrats take control on Capitol Hill earlier this week – and I haven’t felt like the same, good ol’ Brett since.

DA: Rather than refer to our mailbag, we’ll just do a one-on-one interview this week, so we can get to the bottom of all the hot topics that have transpired over the past several weeks, without the possibility of losing focus with silly, ridiculous questions that are unrelated to you.

BF: That’s fine with me, Danny. Obviously some of our readers are below me.

DA: I won’t lie to you and say that I’m not concerned for the state of our country. What do you suggest all of the remaining right-minded, god-fearing Americans do?

BF: Just hang in there, guys. That’s what I’m doing. Still reflect the same strength in yourselves that is present in all of our fearless Republicans leaders. We will survive; we will overcome.

DA: How do you think our executive regime will remain the dominant powerhouse that it has been for the last six years, now having to deal with the competition and desires of the Democrats?

BF: Well, this could be tricky. Ole ‘W’ won’t be able to get as much done for us, now, but I think with the right kind of teamwork and focus, we’ll be able to make some political splash plays. Years ago, when we [the Packers] were the best, we flaunted our skills and no one could touch us. George W. Bush has experienced similar things during the past several years – but now that some pieces of his team have been disbanded, he will have to step up and lead us all to the Promised Land and rightful place atop world diplomacy.

DA: You and the President have a lot in common. Both of you share similar political views, and you are both battle tested. Before he named Robert Gates his new Secretary of Defense, did the President contact you about the job opening?

BF: He did. I was glad to hear from him – we hadn’t spent any time together or share any words since we were awarded our doe-huntin’ licenses and went buck wild in Arkansas last winter. He offered me the job – which I told him, ‘I’m an offensive guy, not defensive’ – but I did give him some advice on whom to choose to replace Mr. Rumsfeld.

DA: How do you feel about Rumsfeld’s resignation? And what kind of response or backlash should the people give to the Democrats?

BF: It is a shame that the first thing the filthy Democrats demand is the removal of such a good leader. I feel we should torch the Senate and the House, and set the cities aflame.

DA: I know of your future political plans of running for office alongside your desired running mate Charles Barkley, but would you consider any other position along President Bush’s cabinet, acting as a springboard towards your personal political dominance?

BF: I’ve dominated on every level of competition I’ve been faced with in my life. Though Secretary of Defense isn’t for me, I think I could be an effective Secretary of War, or a war strategist. All talks of exit strategies from Iraq would dissolve, and we would have all out carnage – crushing them. Anyone who disputes our motives and decisions would fall subject to my mighty hand. The United States would reach new heights of political and economic dominance around the world, and all of our leaders and citizens would be remembered as gods.

DA: A likely and progressive outlook. Before I let you go, can you give me some warm, parting words for our readers regarding the loss of one of our field’s most respected reporters, Ed Bradley?

BF: He was a washed-up, old nigger journalist with an earring and a blood disease. He was a figurehead of the libs and an evil tool for the Jews. Who cares?

DA: Well put, I suppose?

In a monthly periodical, you, the readers of LushForLife.com, can submit questions to Danny Albertson, and he will forward a handful of them to Brett Favre in their monthly sit down Q and A.

Danny Albertson: Another month or so has passed as all of you, like myself, have been tapping our feet and watching the arms of the analog clock slowly tick – anxiously awaiting the next time Brett Favre, The Greatest Person Ever, graces the LushForLife.com newsroom with his always insightful, and usually peculiar outlook on the present state of the world. We have a few special guests with us today, as fellow NFL quarterback Jake Delhomme, and former quarterback and current L4L correspondent Rob Johnson join us for this installment of Ask Brett!

Brett Favre: That’s right, Danny. Even though it says in my contract that I will always be the center of attention, always, these fellas are okay.

Rob Johnson: It’s good to hear that from you, buddy. I never thought I’d ever hear you say anything like that.

BF: Well, I’ve always smoked your ass on the gridiron, so showing you up here will be as easy as threadin’ the needle on a fourth and thirteen.

Jake Delhomme: I can whoop your ass on the field and in the newsroom, Favre. You better check your Mississippi mouth at the door.

DA: There will be no mediator or referee calling this interview, Jake, so don’t think you can go whining and crying when shit doesn’t go your way.

RJ: Yeah, don’t get too exited, Delly. I’ve never seen a two-bit Cajun faggot like you man up to the likes of these guns.

BF: When it’s choke time, we’ll ask for your input, okay?

DA: Let’s try to stay on course. Our first question comes from Raghab in Beirut, Lebanon:

Dear Brett,

I met Danny on his journey to Lebanon earlier this year and heard about this feature. With all of the turmoil happening here and throughout the Middle East, how would you handle the problems between the Israelis and Arabs, and the growing disdain for the United States?

BF: Let me see if I can answer this: I’ve always felt anyone with darker skin is always in the wrong, and I don’t see anything different about this situation.

JD: The whiter, the righter, I’ve always said.

BF: The whole world has to deal with all of you dumbasses. If it were up to me, America would keep the hell out of there and let all you kill each other. That’s the only solution: every last one of you sand niggers die.

JD: I agree with you, Brett. In fact, we should send over artillery and weapons to both sides to get ‘em to hurry up with it.

DA: Is that really the good, Christian way to handle it? The more death and bloodshed, the better?

BF: Of course it is. God wants to see all of those heathens die for not believing in Him, and he also is on our side, always.

JD: It’s what they want. There’s no reason America can’t come to the rescue like we always do and lend our helping hand with guns and bombs.

RJ: I do not concur with you gentlemen. There can be a solution for all of these different peoples and religions to live together in peace and harmony. Allowing both religions to be named the national religions, treating each other with respect, and being understanding and open to both group’s beliefs and views would be a good start. Just because a group of people doesn’t agree with every nuance of your faith does not make either side ‘more right,’ or give either side the right to kill each other.

DA: Interesting debate. I’m not sure, but I think that outside of the extreme religious groups involved, nobody gives a fuck who’s right or wrong. Our next question is a little bit lighter, and comes from Billy in Branson, Missouri:

Brett,

I’ve noticed, like everyone else in the world except you, that your skills have diminished over the years, and you are now nothing more than a washed up hack that can’t face the fact that your career is over. When are you finally going to quit so I can see you on Dancing with the Stars?

BF: I have no plans on following in the footsteps of Jerry Rice and Emmitt Smith. I am, however, in talks with Hollywood producer Jerry Bruckheimer to launch an action-adventure, sci-fi television series where I would play myself, and I would travel through time and would be placed within the greatest historical moments of time where I would have to save the world. The show is designed to springboard my political career after my playing days are over. Our pilot episode puts me in the war room during the Bay of Pigs, and Michael Rappaport is currently cast as my sidekick.

JD: Is there any chance I could get a cameo?

BF: I don’t think so. With me at the helm, the world would be safe. But if we put you in the show, I really don’t think it would be believable. Rob would be a good choice, though.

RJ: I could see myself in Troy, on top of Mount Olympus, with oil glistening on my muscular, godly body, fighting Achilles to the death with only my two hands.

DA: And the L4L staff would replace Woodward and Bernstein in the Watergate investigation.

BF: I’ll make some calls.

DA: ‘Til next time, gentlemen? Let’s put some money on how many interceptions Brett will throw, and how many times Jake will complain to the officials by the time of our next meeting.

RJ: These two will go completely broke.

BF: In your dreams, faggot.

DA: Sounds like something worth discussing for a change.

“

Dr. Audrielle Belvedere is the resident Psychoanalyst at LushForLife.com’s main headquarters in Tampa, Florida. She will be answering your questions in a semi-regular fashion, giving blunt, frank advice to the sick minds that patronize the pages of L4L.

Dear Dr. Belvedere,

The last few weeks have been really tough. My girlfriend dumped me, my dog died in a freak power-boating accident, and my company fired me when they caught me doing cocaine in the women’s bathroom. I’m feeling really depressed and now want to end my life. Do you have any suggestions as to the best way for me to kill myself to maximize the feelings of guilt in the people who’ve hurt me?

-Coked Up in Columbus

Dear Coked Up,

Sounds like you have some serious issues here, Coked Up. First off, might there be some correlation here between the break up with your girlfriend and you spending time in the woman’s bathroom facilities? You may be suffering from a cocaine-induced gender identity crisis. In the scientific world, we consider this a genetic mutation that we call “”the queer placebo”". Now, are you sure that the person who broke up with you was a woman? Normally, with cases such as these, we prescribe a series of treatments, ranging from hiring transvestite swingers to perform absurd sexual acts (that normally relieves the problem), and we also use a drug called ‘dopephrine,’ which will trigger the ‘straight gene’ in your cerebellum, causing you to experience a euphoric state. While it has not been approved by the FDA, it has been known to cause sudden bowel evacuation (in laymen’s terms: shitting yourself), sometimes followed by acute convulsions of the pelvic region. People sometimes don’t mind this and enjoy its recreational uses, as well. After trying this, you will be well on your way to recovery.

Now as for your suicidal thoughts, if the aforementioned treatments do not alleviate your problems and you are adamant about taking your own life and wish to inflict guilt upon those around you, consider the following: Any self mutilation directed towards the genital region is always a good option, which may consist of irregularly twisting, cutting, and relocation of the genitals, etc. However, steer clear of conventional suicidal plans, as they are boring, overused, and fail to attract the attention of the majority. People want to hear horrific, sick, twisted plots to spark their imagination and provoke nightmares and fear in their pathetic, meaningless lives. Without this, your suicide will aimlessly fall into the renowned book entitled ‘The Book of Losers.”"

Lastly, I feel more for your poor canine that anything else.

Dear Dr. Belvedere,

I am completely in love with a fictional character from a popular cartoon. Is there any chance that we will ever be together?

- Dazed in Delaware

Dear Dazed,

I have had many cases like this and, surprisingly enough, there have been many stories of successful relationships. First off, I would recommend you obtain as many pictures and artifacts as possible of this character and display them obnoxiously around your house. Display the pictures in areas such as the bathroom, living room, closet, and, of course, your bedroom. This will give the illusion that they live with you and you will learn to be respectful of their space at all times. Try to plan a romantic evening for you and this character that now resides with you at least twice a week. The traditional dining choices, wine, sappy movies, followed by making love, is always a plus. Since you cannot be physical with this character, instead of making love, you can simply masturbate continuously with descriptive visions of this character replaying in your mind.

Try not to get too involved, because you never can really tell how faithful your partner will be, as they could be residing in the homes of several other gentlemen experiencing the same things you are.

Dear Dr. Belvedere,

My girlfriend used to orgasm every time we had sex, but it doesn’t happen anymore. It seems that she can only go if she has her vibrator, which she has named ‘Rusty,’ and has even written him a life story. Do I have a chance?

- Rejected in Richmond

Dear Rejected,

Sounds like your girlfriend was abused sometime in her life and that it involved some metal beam, old rod, and/or dirty metal part. She has some emotional affiliation with this vibrator and connects with ‘him’ on a deeper level that she does with you. If an inanimate object is taking up more free time with her than she is giving you, I would be concerned. Or, you could always try to dip your private parts in a metal liquid and let large quantities of water run over them and in a short time, your new nickname will be ‘Rusty’ and you can take his place. Also, role-playing will be helpful after this is done and you can simply reenact the lifeline of her vibrator, ‘Rusty.”"

I also seriously recommend that your girlfriend get a tetanus shot.

“

In a monthly periodical, you, the readers of LushForLife.com, can submit questions to Danny Albertson, and he will forward a handful of them to Brett Favre in their monthly sit down QandA.

Danny Albertson: I’m sitting down, once again, with possibly the most beloved and adored figure in all professional sports of all-time, ever: Brett Favre. A lot has happened since the last time you and I have had the pleasure of seeing each other’s scabbed faces.

Brett Favre: Sometimes your choice of words really offends me.

DA: I’m surprised, actually. You and I have known each other for a while, now, and have been through some strange shit together, too. It offends me that something so trivial would offend you.

BF: Do we really have to go through with this, then? I have an oversized lawn to mow somewhere.

DA: I say we can both just sit here and be offended by each other, because there are some important questions the people of ‘Merca really need to ask their self-crowned leader of everything that’s important. I mean you?

Besides, its not like you’re actually going to spend anytime learning the new offensive system Mike McCarthy is installing in Green Bay. You’re so awesome, all you have to do is all you’ve ever done – just fling that sucker out there and make a dern play.

BF: Goddam right, dad-blame it. Cockin’ back the ol’ cannon shooter is all this simple, Miss Sipp, gunslingin’ get-ur-done’r has ever been able to do.

DA: Let’s go to the mailbag. This first question comes from D’Artagnan in Yonkers, New York:

I know you’re considering a career in politics after your playing days are over. How do you feel about Charles Barkley annonouncing that he will run for Governor of Alabama in 2010?

BF: Usually, my stance on this issue is that athletes should stay out of politics, unless we’re referring to me. In Charles’ case, being such a bright guy, I think he should go for it.

DA: I always thought he was a complete moron.

BF: That just goes to show you what you city boys know about real life.

DA: Since you guys seem to be on the same page, maybe the two of you should run together for president, on the Republican ticket, no doubt. Those good-ol’-boys would respond to your thick skulls.

BF: As long as there’s a cold Budweiser and a backwoods broad, I’ll go anywhere and do anything. I’m sure that Charles would agree with me.

DA: If you’re a republican, and from the South, those things will surely follow you wherever you go. Our next question comes from Tommy in Milwaukee:

I am planning a hunting trip in Mississippi next month. I really want to gun down some good game, and I figured you could offer me some tips. What kind of guns do you use?

BF: Mostly I never leave my house without my 12-gauge double barrel elephant rifle. That sucker will blow the head of a twelve point buck clean off his body and leave the remaining corpse bloody and in shards of boney pieces. It’ll cause some serious damage.

DA: Isn’t the point of hunting to mount your kill on the wall, or to eat the animal? If you blow it to pieces, doesn’t that defeat the purpose of hunting the animal in the first place?

BF: The 12-gauge is strong, buddy, but will only cause a limited amount of damage to your kill. I don’t hunt for trophies or food. The Packers pay me $10 million a year, so I don’t need to kill my own food to survive. I also have way too many plaques and awards honoring all of my accomplishments on display in my home to have room for stuffed animal corpses. What I like is to destroy the hell out of a dern deer! The 12-gauge is good, but if you want real demolition, I’ve got a barrel full of hand grenades I take out with my military issue arm cannon that can blow through a 10-foot wide block of solid earth rock. Those are real goddam weapons!

DA: The next time you destroy a deer, will you send me the meat and the corpse so we here at LushForLife.com can at least enjoy it? I think our office could use a bit more character. There’s nothing like a dead animal to bring out the life in something, you know?

BF: I know what you mean, dudebro.

DA: Till next time, Brett?

BF: Sure, I guess. I’m getting a bit sick of doing this, though.

DA: We’ve all been sick of you for years, man. It’s all about learning how to live with one another, and being accepting of a wide array of different sorts of people.

BF: Except for the niggers.

DA: Riiight?

“Dear Emma,

How can I drink hard liquor excessively every night without acquiring that ugly, bumpy, red, contorted nose that heavy drinkers many times acquire?

-Walter Rogers

Eugene, Oregon

Drink more Ovaltine. I don’t know! This is the worst question ever! Reading it has actually made me dumber. Face it: some people are just born ugly. If you’re afraid of having an ugly, red nose when you’re older, don’t quit drinking: build a time machine, travel back in time to the year you were conceived, and stop your parents from procreating. The same bad genes that have caused you to become an alcoholic are the same bad genes that will cause you grow into an ugly, old fart? or just read about gin blossoms.

Dear Emma,

More often than not, when I have a bowel movement, or shit, it comes out thin like urine, or piss. Following completion, my rectum, or asshole, burns like the dickens, no matter how much I wipe. What’s wrong with me?
t
t- Teddy

Tampa, Florida

This is common amongst anorexic-homosexuals. The consistency of your bowel movements is caused by the lack of substance in your diet, whereas big, hard penises thrusting your milkshake-maker fortnightly cause the burning. If you wish to remedy your ailment, eat a sandwich and learn how to ‘pitch!’

Dear Emma,

Why are you stupid?

-John Fogger,

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Good question! See figure 1. (Below)

“

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about women in all of my years, it’s that there’s only a few stereotypes, and they are all easily identifiable if you know what you’re looking for. In order to save you a lot of heartache and venereal diseases, I’ve compiled them into an easy to understand list. Live by this as if it were gospel. Continue Reading