Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You will wake up this morning and find a red, swelled lesion seeping puss on the either the tip of your penis, or the edge of your labia. You might as well just cut it off… you weren’t going to use it anyway.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): After getting an urge to discover new, interesting music, your roommate will suggest Alan Parsons Project. You should, without thinking, shove a scorching hot fire poker through their skull.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): The city of Tampa will grant funds to rebuild your run-down and ghetto ridden neighborhood. After a construction crew fixes all the potholes in the road, you will witness your crack-dealing neighbor smashing new holes in the middle of the street with a pickaxe.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Feeling bored one afternoon, you decide to take a shit into a freezer-sized Ziploc bag and mail it to your mother. You are surprised when you find out how expensive postage is for your bowel movement.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): You will become a guitar legend this month. You will purchase the newest version of Guitar Hero, and whoop all of your nephew’s friend’s asses. You will dominate and become addicted to the game, and after 6 months of playing, you realize if you committed that time to playing a real guitar you might actually be decent.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): While watching a Brian Billick press conference, you will be unable to find your thesaurus and will have no idea what he is talking about. This will be enough to get you to go back to college.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You will have a dream about fucking your mother with a splintered broom handle. That is disgusting.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): You decide you want to broaden your horizons and watch a soccer game this month. It was a nil-nil draw, and completely terrible. So much for that…
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): After having a spiritual experience, you will feel like you are psychic. You will start writing your own horoscopes and will completely disagree with L4L predictions. Except for this one.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You will become addicted to Danielle Steele novels. Enjoy!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): While getting your paper one morning, you will notice your neighbors walking their dogs have matching haircuts and complementing clothing. You will at first think you are in the twilight zone, but realize it’s just Tampa Palms.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): You make a mistake and pick up today’s copy of the USF Oracle. After actually reading it from front to back, you’ll never make that mistake again, and will only read L4L from that point on.

I was hiding from the Editor in the basement stairwell, when he appeared beside me and started eating the sub I was saving for lunch. “Gale,” he said in that gentle voice we all hate more than his roar. “I want a story about the people who still support Bush.”
I breathed a sigh of relief, but he can read minds. “No! No retired Marine colonels or bugger-you-I’ve-got-mine-now-don’t-raise-my-taxes suburbanites. It’s summer. Take a nice road trip. The base in the heartland… that sort of thing. We know our local morons; let’s put a face on the rest of them. L4L’ll pay a carbon offset for your gas.” Continue Reading

The Vatican has examined road use and misuse, and found mankind in need of new guidance in this area.
Lush For Life convened a focus group of AAs (Average Americans) to debate the Vatican’s “Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road”, and found that they think the bar has been set a bit high. Continue Reading

It’s that glorious time of the year again! Our Nation’s birthday is here and boy, could it use some cheering up. Maybe a present or two – nothing fancy; just some peace pipes, tea cups, sauerkraut, potatoes, and some little wooden shoes (she’s multi-cultural). Yup, grab that American brew, toast the Founding Fathers, praise the Constitution, and celebrate liberty and freedom for all. Ooh! And hot-dog eating contests! Those are my favorite.
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Capricorn: Take it easy this month. Things that come easy to you will suddenly become more difficult. To relax, you will spend your time watching TV. Some of your favorite shows will include: Leave it to Beaver, Peyton Place, Dynasty, and The Andy Griffith Show.

You share your sign with J. D. Salinger. Continue Reading

HEAVEN – Amidst all the turmoil currently weaving through the political hierarchy in Heaven over the past several weeks, the recently deceased former evangelical/hate monger/follower of Christ, Jerry Falwell, made his official announcement, Sunday, on his plans of running in the upcoming God Election. The announcement has deflected attention from the recent Lush For Life scoop of a murder committed by the late Holy Redeemer in 1974, and has acted as a breath of fresh air in the hearts and minds of a number of Heaven residents and politicians.

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Danny Albertson: Here we are, back from the ancient, backwood lands of Kiln, Mississippi, and back in the cozy confines of the luscious Lush For Life Headquarters in Tampa. I am once again blessed to have the luxury of spending a few small moments with none other than the one and only, the Immaculate Brett Favre. Continue Reading

LARGO, FL – The city of progress took another giant stride in the direction of change Friday morning after firing City Manager Steve Stanton for wishing to don a dress and rule the city iron-fistedly as Susan Stanton.
Recently re-elected City Commissioner Mary Gray Black sponsored legislation calling for a removed, cordoned-off section of town, tentatively designated “the gaytto”. The bill would also allow for “gays only” bathrooms, water fountains, courtrooms, and a special section on the city bus line. Continue Reading

NEW PORT RICHEY, FL- Chaos erupted at a local Starbucks after 37-year-old William “Jook-Daddy” Clements allegedly lost his pants while ordering a latte, inadvertently exposing his genitalia to several underage high school students.
Jook-Daddy, advised by his court-appointed public defender to abstain from addressing the media, could not be reached for comment. Witnesses to the incident say that just moments before the exhibitionism, Clements was seated in a plush chair near a shelf of exotic spiced teas rhyming into a microphone attached to his laptop computer.
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In a monthly periodical, you, the readers of Lush For Life, can submit questions to Danny Albertson, which he will forward on to Brett Favre, in their ongoing conversations.
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