Lush For Life

It has been a month now since the dust settled after the final, frantic charge of millions to get their clammy hands on the concluding installment of the bifocaled boy-wizard’s adventures. As the last of the particularly slow readers lay down Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the realization that life has been forever changed [...]

LYNCHBURG, VA – Jerry Falwell, the moral and spiritual beacon for all God-fearing, minority-loathing, gun-toting, Jew-hating, science-snubbing, feminist-fearing, violence-endorsing Christians died Tuesday at 73 from heart rhythm abnormality. The Reverend’s heart failure seems to have been caused by over-excitement during a liaison with one of his many regular Mexican male prostitutes at his office at [...]

OXFORD, ENGLAND – Through the historical modern-classic, The DaVinci Code, society discovered that Jesus the Christ and Mary Magdalene had a child – the Holy Grail – and the bloodline was passed down, protected by the Knights Templar. But scrolls found in Iran have shed new light on the descendants of Jesus of Nazareth.

HOLLYWOOD – Alec Baldwin is accused of murdering his daughter and ex-wife to avoid a bust-up with NBC. Just days after Mr. Baldwin’s voicemail to his daughter was released by the highly respected website, TMZ, NBC informed the veteran actor that they were considering terminating his contract with them for the show 30 Rock. Baldwin [...]

LYNCHBURG, VA – With the discovery of the Microraptor gui, archeologists have attempted to fill in another evolutionary gap. But the excitement surrounding the world of paleontology has come crashing to a halt. Dr. Henry Rachling, a professor at Liberty University, has made a critical discovery. After years of investigation, Dr. Rachling has discovered a [...]

WASHINGTON – President Bush has asked the American people to give his troop-surge plan time to work. Although sending in 20,000 extra troops may seems like W’s most retarded plan since he tried to save on laundry bills by wearing his underwear on the outside of his clothes, a White House source has informed Lush [...]

DETROIT – The H2 Hummer emits 3.5 metric tons of carbon per year (about the equivalent of two cars) and gets a whopping ten miles to the gallon.   On the bright side, the H2’s gross weight is over 8,500 lbs., which means that the US government does not require it to meet federal fuel [...]

The following NSA transcript was leaked to the offices of LushForLife.com by a reliable source inside the White House. Dad? Hi George. Dad? George, I can’t hear you. Turn the phone around. Dad. It’s George. Yeah, I know. It’s terrible, Daddy. Did Barney escape again? Nope, got him right here. But almost as bad. Kenny’s [...]

WASHINGTON – A year after September 11th, nine Army linguists were dismissed from the military because of their sexual orientation. At a time when the military was struggling to recruit Arabic speakers, as it still is, these were vital losses. But General Cunningham, head of a new top-priority military operation, insists that these were essential [...]