LARGO, FL – The city of progress took another giant stride in the direction of change Friday morning after firing City Manager Steve Stanton for wishing to don a dress and rule the city iron-fistedly as Susan Stanton.
Recently re-elected City Commissioner Mary Gray Black sponsored legislation calling for a removed, cordoned-off section of town, tentatively designated “the gaytto”. The bill would also allow for “gays only” bathrooms, water fountains, courtrooms, and a special section on the city bus line.
“We can’t have no fairies or trans-whatever-they-is deviants prancing around the good wholesome God fearin’ Christian folk, gayin’ shit up,” Black said. “I mean, have you ever been in one of them gay bars or sex shops? Those places reek of eau de sodomy. It’s all disgusting, if you ask me.”
It is Black who called the emergency meeting, which ended in Stanton’s termination.
The legislation includes a clause forcing all gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual, and transgender people to register if they plan on spending more than a week in Largo.
“The idea is, we would take a look at anyone driving a Volkswagen or any guy with good hair and well-groomed fingernails, paying special attention to body hair,” said Largo Sheriff Lester Aradi. “If we were suspicious that they were, um, a little different, we would hold them in a special cell. If they passed our straight tests, they would be free to go, but if they fail, we affix a special rainbow-colored triangle to their outer layer of clothing and let the go in the, um, gaytto.
The preliminary plans also allow for a rainbow colored wall topped with razor wire around a small, largely disenfranchised part of town.
“Them gays would be allowed to leave for eight hours a day,” said Black. “They could work and shop in special gay grocery stores, but we can’t have ‘em breathin’ all over our pertaters and such.”
According to Black, gay, lesbian, transsexual, and transgender people would then be forced back into their “gaytto”. The bill allows for the formation of a special branch of the Largo sheriff’s office called the Gaystapo.
“Basically, the Gaystapo would consist of about ten officers,” said Aradi. “They would be well-armed, with full body armor, and have 24/7 access to straight, soft-core porn.”
According to Aradi, the new police force would cost an additional $200 million annually.
Black plans to fund the changes in part with donations from the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, KS.
“Well, our church believes in the depravity of a godless people like them homa-sexuals,” said Preacher Jerom Zanchius. “We would sponsor any town that did anything like this.”
Accordingly, the Gaytto’s full name will potentially be “the Godhatesfags.com (but loves hatemongers) Gaytto”.
The bill has met with some condemnation. Largo Mayor Pat Gerard vehemently opposes the bill.
“Oh, God, I think I just threw up in my mouth a bit, excuse me,” she said. “This is the most asinine thing I have ever heard. I think I’m moving if this gets seconded.”
According to sources close to Black, which wish to remain anonymous due to potential for violent retribution, Black was once a man herself.
“I would go on the record, but the bitch is built like a brick shithouse,” said one anonymous source. “I used to clean her pools and I once saw her well defined package under a rather revealing bathing suit. I think she had that taken care of, though. You know, snip, snip.”
Most Largo residents wouldn’t respond to repeated attempts for comment, fearing lower property values and horrible reputations.
However, local activist Sandy Lears stated in an e-mail, “This is the most retarded, fucking ridiculous bullshit I’ve heard of.”
Not all residents of Largo hate the idea however.
“I love the shit,” said one, real-tree camouflage sporting Largo Resident. “Help me hoist these meats and shits into my new truck; it’s got a four-foot suspension raise. It’s a pain to keep goin’ up and down that dern ladder.”
The cost of the overall plan has been approximated to total at around $4.2 billion.

In a White House Press briefing Friday, Press Secretary Tony Snow released an overwhelming library of evidence that Iran might be supplying Iraqi Sunni Islamo-Fascists with the explosives they use to blow innocent American GIs to bits and pieces.

According to Lush For Life’s chief military analyst, Gridiron General Rob Johnson – who spent hours digging through piles of papers, poring over vaguely worded charts and fondling CIA evidence – concurred with the report. 

“There is a very real and dangerous threat that these bomb fragments may have come from Iran, dude,” said Johnson.

After Lush For Life lab apes closely examined fragments of the bombs it was revealed that one of the thousands of fragments bore the words, written in English, “Made in Iran”. 

Chief White House officials are remaining tight-lipped about possible reaction to the findings but lead Bush consultant Henry Kissinger granted Lush For Life an exclusive interview. 

Lush For Life White House correspondent Arthur Rocks asked Kissinger 23 questions of various levels of length and difficulty.

“Carpet bomb,” is the only response he gave.

In an intimate press conference held in the Lincoln Bathroom, our glorious leader, President George W. Bush was overheard saying, “Now, Hank, pretend these rubber duckies are Iranian terrersts [sic], and this boat is the righteous hand of Amuric’n vengeance. These suds are explosions and that there is a rocket. The water is Iran (words obscured by splashing). We’re gonna bomb the whole shit.”

According to White House Chief of Culinary Operations Falun S. Oufflé, these newest plans are eerily reminiscent of another scandal concerning what he called, “a rush to action on shaky information.”

In June of 2003, the righteously justified Bush administration dismissed head White House Pastry Chef Fredrich Markels, citing allegations that Markels “nearly, almost definitely” had connections with the socialist-liberal Democratic Party, said Oufflé.

“That sumbitch was poisoning my lemon meringue tartlets. I couldn’t abide by it and I heard he was a communist, too. Maybe gay,” Bush said.

One year later, after an exhaustive background check, Markels voting records revealed that he had voted Republican since 1974.

Adjectives from FOX News were used in this report.

BUTTE, MT – In a joint press conference held on Thursday by the heads of a plethora of terrorist groups, the subject arose of President Bush’s recent Baghdad visit and their renewed vow of solidarity in the complete hatred of the United States and its people.

The Conference featured representatives from Abu Nidal Organization, Abu Sayyaf Group, al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, Ansar al-Islam, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Armed Islamic Group, Asbat al-Ansar, Aum Shinrikyo, Gama’a al-Islamiyya, HAMAS, Harakat ul-Mujahidin, al-Qa’ida, Palestinian Islamic Jihad, Palestine Liberation Front, Mujahedin-e Khalq Organization, The LA Dodgers, Moroccan Islamic Combatant Group, Lashkar-e Tayyiba, and al-Jihad.

Keynote speaker Jim bin Laden announced that there would be no attempts on the President’s life, saying, “The sinister Mr. Bush was right. We do not hate the American people for their economic imperialism or their unfaltering support of the terrorist, Israeli state. Rather, we hate the American people for their freedom. As such, we have agreed that there shall never be an attempt on the life of Mr. Bush while he is president.”

LushForLife.com‘s White House correspondent Duncan Idaho flew into the beltway in his private jet, Thursday, to record the President’s reaction in person.

“Now, I ‘preciate what they’re trying to do down there in the Middle East,” said Bush. “Jim is my old Stanford roomy and chum. He was supposed to help me manage the team when I owned the Rangers, but we fell out over a gram of coke he said I snorted off his mother’s ass. He took it sorta hard and turned to Allah. Much like me, he wanted to become right with the Lord. “

Harold Fink, waiter at the Butte Convention Center, described the event itself saying, “Man, them oil guys, they sure do tip good. Man, did you see them renew their vows, that were a beautiful ceremony. They didn’t crush any glasses, but I yelled ‘mazeltov’ any way.”

Former presidential candidate turned hippy crusader Al Gore was interviewed on the red carpet at the premier of his new film, An Inconvenient Truth, by staff writer Danny Albertson on Saturday.

“They really do hate us,” said Gore. “I realized they had a mild distaste with the whole 9/11 thing, but I had no idea the width and breadth of their hatred for our country. That they would suffer another day with this polluting, non-environmentally-friendly regime for another day, thus bringing the world one step closer to destruction, is mind-boggling.

Unfortunately, after an exhaustive search employing four Cray xt3 super-computers and thousands of man hours, the only two people that could be found that care about what Al Gore says are Mos Def and Graham Schneider, a Mass Communications major at Texas Tech.

EAST ALTON, IL – With the NHL’s Stanley Cup Finals’ dismal ratings, reaching 0.3% of the viewing market, the Outdoor Life Network is being forced to result to flagrant sensationalism in an attempt to regain some market share. After being criticized for airing blatantly indoor activities such as arena football and pool tournaments, OLN announced today that it was going a step further.

In a press conference Wednesday, Travis Bunion, OLN’s Executive Programming Director, announced plans to air David Blaine’s next publicity stunt. Blaine, who is rumored to suffer from mild brain damage after his last feat of endurance, holding his breath for seven minutes and eight seconds, has recently become a vocal supporter of the so called “World Trade Center Bomb Theory”. He has allied himself with Reginald Goldstein of Burlington, Vermont, who, inspired by the movie, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, has begun building a scale replica of the World Trade Center buildings out of twigs, mash potatoes, and mud. Blaine plans on telepathically flying scale model airplanes into the hardened mashed potatoes and twigs after levitating for ten hours while masturbating constantly to reruns of The Golden Girls, proving that the World Trade Center buildings could not have fallen on their own and he has finally gone insane.

In an exclusive interview with LushForLife.com‘s own Arthur Rocks, Goldstein elaborated on the bomb theory and his plans for the scale replica saying, “You see, when my special mix of mashed potatoes, mud, and twigs hardens, it should have exact to scale load bearing capabilities of the steel frame and walls of the World Trade Center buildings. You see, there is no way that these buildings collapsed as a result of the jumbo jets loaded with fuel that crashed into them, but rather the government, in the first stages in an attempt to take over the world, loaded the two WTC towers with explosives. It was orchestrated from top to bottom by the Project for the New American Century. Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld blew up the World Trade Center because they needed positive poll numbers to invade Iraq, and they hate Jews.”

In an attempt to reach Blaine for comment, staff writer and on-site reporter Danny Albertson was given the finger while Blaine raced off in his Ferrari blaring the song, Right Said Fred’s I’m Too Sexy.

OLN spokesperson Diane Spruce defended OLN’s plans to air the spectacle saying in a phone interview, “We realize that here at OLN we are expected to air exclusively outdoor activities, but much like MTV who no longer plays music videos, we feel we must diversify to maintain a higher market share and ensure that rural peoples the world over have access to almost constant access to the poignant programming, such as hunting and fishing programs and rodeo that they have grown to depend on.”

NORFOLK, VA – Creation science looks to move from the category of alleged “meta-science” to full-fledged science, this week, with the release of a series of profound studies. In a lecture at Liberty University entitled The One, Well Documented, Objective, Truly Legitimate View of the Beginning of Time, Dr. Walt Brown, MIT graduate and author of In the Beginning: Compelling Evidence for the Creation and the Flood, released conclusive evidence supporting his controversial theory that the “Red Tide” phenomenon is, in fact, Mother Nature’s menstrual cycle.

After speaking for an hour on the “vapor canopy” that existed on earth before the flood of Noah, Doc Brown turned his discussion to the long anticipated proofs of his “Red Tide” Theory. He began with an anecdote about the origin of the theory saying, “I was summering in my beach home on Florida’s gulf coast when I found the remnants of what I would later discover to be the feminine hygiene project of the earth itself. What ‘mainstream science’ calls Karenia Brevis is, in fact, Mother Nature’s menstrual cycle. The next day, Jesus landed his blimp in my front yard and produced the circa 1960 cocktail napkin pictured in your packets. On the back were Mother Nature’s phone number and a faded lipstick smudge. He related to me the story of their copulation and exactly how glad he was to see that Mother Nature was menstruating again, it seems she that they had a bit of a pregnancy scare.”

Jesus could not be reached for comment.

In a related story, in a press release on Tuesday, Fredrick T. Brown, son of the acclaimed Dr. Walt Brown, released findings sure to rock the creation science world. An alleged hippie, Brown said that his research into the causes behind the newly re-named “Intermittent Explosion Disorder” (formerly road rage), is God’s divine punishment for humans mistreating themselves and their homes by driving pollution producing vehicles.

In an exclusive interview with Arthur Rocks, Brown said, “Much like God inflicted the homosexual community with AIDS, and the African American community with Sickle Cell Anemia, the ‘murican [sic] driver has been struck with the plague of IED.”

STAFFORD, TX – Representative Tom DeLay held a press conference, today, in an attempt to boost his public image and defend the controversially genius gerrymandering program he implemented in his home state of Texas.

DeLay, who last came out of hiding to defend his good pal, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, most recently attracted the attention of the left-wing media and zealot liberal prosecutors for receiving so-called kickbacks in a campaign finance scandal.

Despite this, DeLay spent a large amount of the press conference touting what he referred to as “God’s plan for the state of Texas.” DeLay claimed divine revelation as he set forth the true inspiration for his gerrymandering scheme. According to DeLay, Moses came to him in a dream with the state of Texas drawn on a large slab. On this slab, the congressional districts were redrawn. He told DeLay, “The heathen, liberal media will persecute you for your valor. Don’t be discouraged, my son, your efforts will be rewarded as you reveal the true reason for your actions.”

He then laughed like an inspired mad genius as he revealed a large “paint by numbers” rendition of Texas, complete with congressional districts. To the shock, awe, and disgust to all but this reporter and the multiple Fox news representatives present, the 2001 congressional districts of Texas, when painted correctly, resemble closely a picture of Jesus holding a black baby.

The newly vindicated DeLay laughed and pointed menacingly at representatives of the NAACP for thirty minutes until he magically imploded.

The Bush administration’s smug smiles have become scientifically measurably smugger as more proof of their divine appointment came to light.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – One day after car bombs and Molotov Cocktails rocked the quiet university town of Cambridge, city leaders begin to clean up as a community remains divided. The violence at Harvard University came about as the result of tensions based on a dispute over an obscure passage from a piece of archaic fiction.

According to eyewitness accounts, the fracas started as a yelling match broke out over a weeklong dispute on the microcosm versus the macrocosm in Titus’ speech at line 217 in Act 3, Scene 1, of William Shakespeare’s Titus Andronicus.

Reports say that the quarrel remained relatively calm until student Webster Cumberland shouted, “Screw it! Shakespeare didn’t write the stupid plays, anyway!” This threw the two sects into an outrage, turning the entire campus into a sectarian battleground. Molotov Cocktails were thrown from third story windows as bombs hidden in the ground effects of Honda Civics exploded.

Lushforlife.com on-site correspondent Arthur Rocks was air dropped into the tumult where he interviewed 3^rd year philosophy student Alfred Gesund, one of the few students not participating in the mêlée.

When asked his opinion on the sectarian violence that was dividing his school, he replied, “It seems rather fucking oafish and antiquated, arguing, let alone resulting to violence over outmoded literature. I’m in a place where I should be surrounded by intelligent people and I find that they lack the intelligence to express their emotions in any sane way… ”

Unfortunately, Gesund was unable to finish the interview, as a spinning rim from a firebombed Escalade cut him in half just above the waste. Gesund became the only casualty of the violence, and is mourned along with five Volkswagen Jettas, two nitrous-fueled Honda Civics, and one Kia Sephia.

The violence was finally quelled when 30,000 National Guard troops armed with tear gas and non-lethal weapons stormed the campus. The Campus remains under a daylight curfew as all Shakespeare is removed and banned for the remainder of the semester.

The violence at Harvard has prompted universities around the world to place limits on mind-numbing psychobabble and reading too far into dated literature. Ascribing more than two meanings on any given sentence can result in suspension and repeated offenders may be terminated.

DES MOINES – The ability of George W. Bush to appoint two supreme court justices has had an unforeseen impact on the private sector as factories are refitted to accommodate new products. In an unprecedented move, domestic product manufacturer Forworld Industrial Co., Ltd has stated in an official press release that it plans on producing medical grade, sterilized metal coat-hangers and knitting needles.

When asked the reason behind this, Forworld’s head mechanic, Gerald T. Rivers, told us that “When two conservative Supreme Court Justices (hallelujah) are appointed by good ol’ George W. (God bless his soul) our analysts predict a 93 percent chance that abortion will become illegal again (praise Jesus). When this happens, the market for what the brass have termed, ‘Back-Alley Abortions’ will skyrocket. As a reaction, shelves will be jam-packed with our medical grade, sterile, one-time-use coat hangers and knitting needles. We predict that these sons of bitches will sell like hotcakes, especially in the big cities.”

Additional literature produced by the company states; “To drive demand we are currently lobbying in the Iowa State Senate to offer a class in the State Penitentiary System on the ins and outs of the ‘Back-Alley Abortion.’ This class will only be offered to inmates with previous medical experience. Not only will it increase demand, but it will offer rehabilitated nurses and doctors a chance to make a living in the field of medicine again.”

After the press release, Forworld’s stock jumped eight points to a record high of 23 dollars per share, making today their single most profitable day ever (Amen).

CHAPEL HILL, NC – In a press conference Wednesday, biologist Dr. Gerald F. Takemura and psychologist Dr. Francine Holmesworth-Meyer released the findings of a groundbreaking study in the new field of “Dude-broism.” The findings of the study indicate that “Dude-broism” in males is inherited maternally and those that suffer from this condition, or “Dude-bros,” are genetically predisposed to be attracted to the pheromones released by females infected with any one of a series of sexually transmitted diseases.

The implications of the study are far reaching and shatter some of the long held traditions of “frat-boys” and “jocks” alike. According to Dr. Takemura, “Using a well-known genetic technique called linkage mapping, we scrutinized the X chromosome in a test group of ‘Dude-bros’ and a control group primarily composed of ‘geeks’ and ‘dorks.’ We did this via the application of DNA markers, tiny bits of genetic material that can distinguish between chromosomes from different people. We found that more than seven-eighths of the ‘Dude-bros’ had inherited identical DNA markers on the Xq28 region of the chromosome.”

Dr. Takemura went on to say, “This study is particularly intriguing because in 1993 my associate Dr. Dean H. Hamer associated the same Xq28 region with homosexual brothers. He found through the same process that unlike their relatives, gay brothers tend to have a genetic mark in this very same region. ‘Dude-broism’ seems to be caused by a mutation of the so called, ‘gay gene.’”

Dr. Holmesworth-Meyer, who also studied the same test groups in a controlled, double blind procedure, released findings of a slightly different nature. She said of her study, “Well, in laymen’s terms, we gave the test subjects a choice between two hamburgers of the same quality from the same fast food chain. One of the hamburgers was laced with a smell derived from the pheromones of a healthy 21-year-old woman and the second was scented with the pheromones of a 23 year-old woman with herpes. The subjects with the mutated ‘gay-gene’ chose the herpes hamburger almost exclusively.”

Test subject and “Dude-bro” John Smith took issue with Dr. Takemura’s findings saying “Dude, I know I’m not a fag, and anyone who disagrees can meet me at the gym later! I‘ll totally pound their ass, uh… I mean kick the shit out of them!” He could, however, find nothing wrong with the findings of Dr. Holmesworth-Meyers, saying only, “Sweet! Now I have an excuse for going to the strip club!