I feel for you my American cousins; I really do. If this is your chosen reading material, then you may well have heard of far off places outside the Bay Area, like Scotland, Albania, or Tunisia, you may even be able to find such places on a map. You might be capable of conceiving that there are people who have never eaten at KFC’s, girls who have never dreamed of being a cheerleader for their local college team or boys who have no idea what a tailgate is. This article is for you, people.
Thanks to events that have been out of your control, there are many folks who don’t like you. A global community has rallied together in their anger and sadness at the events and actions since 9/11. America is so unpopular, that for the past few years Americans going anywhere outside the states are encouraged to pass themselves off as Canadians! Americans I have met outside America tend to be immediately apologetic and go to great lengths to distance themselves from the Fox News brand of America.
This is unfair. It has become all too easy to jump on the “I hate America” bandwagon – to pout, stamp feet, and blame the States for causing all the instability in the Middle East; for being the sole cause of global warming; for spreading fast food to the four corners of the world. The reality is quite different. EUROPE AND ASIA STILL LOVE YOU. I know, it’s hard to believe, but the facts speak for themselves. Allow me to make you feel better about your cultural identity and list your great achievements.

•    Apple: The world thanks you for technology that is human centred.
•    Movies: There are many great movies made every year in the US.
•    TV: There are some very intelligent documentaries and dramas created every season.
•    Surfing: Thanks, dudes.
•    The light bulb
•    Bourbon whiskey
•    Coming to the aid of the British, and all of Allied Europe, in the Second World War
•    Sunglasses
•    Ten pin bowling
•    www.TED.com
•    The American Novel
•    American Art

The rest of the world knows the best and the worst of America. Those people in France in Britain and in the US who seem to be against what is happening are not generally anti-America – far from it. They are able to see how far the States has regressed from the positive, forward-thinking, inclusive, happy-go-lucky, and inventive people you were known for in the not too distant past. There is a tendency to retreat, lock the door, and put your head in the sand if all those outside your white picket fence are intent on throwing rotten tomatoes at you. Be brave, America, and come join the street party; we’ll bring wine if you leave behind the American beer and bring the Wild Turkey.
Big hugs from London!

General Jack Keane, architect of the US “surge” in Iraq, called British Prime Minister Gordon Brown a “yellow-bellied loser,” in referrence to the British Army turning tail and retreating from the strategically vital stronghold of Basra in the South of Iraq. British military sources have told Lush For Life that the withdrawal was part of the ongoing process of handing responsibilities over to Iraqi security forces.
I asked Keane, in a telephone interview, what his thoughts were on the devolution of power to local forces:
“You British guys are a bunch of pussies – either you got our back in this imperialist occupation or you don’t. Who said anything about training the locals to do anything? If we did that, we wouldn’t be in control, would we?”
David Miliband, the new Foreign Secretary in Britain said last night that “our decisions in Basra reflect the situation on the ground, above all the growing capacity of the Iraqi security forces, and are signed off by the Coalition and the Iraqi government.” Miliband went on to say that “General Keane can go fuck himself! Nobody calls the Prime Minister a coward and expects to get away with it.”
In an unprecedented escalation of the war of words between Downing Street and the US Military, Prime Minister Brown flew out to Baghdad last night to confront General Keane in person. Lush For Life was there to witness this new front in the Iraq war.
Prime Minister Brown, is a tough, no-nonsense Scot, is reported to have a decent left hook, and has been known to use a Scottish fighting technique affectionately referred to as “the Glasgow Kiss”, otherwise known as a head butt to the nose. The bare-knuckle fight that followed was brutal and frequently below the belt. The retired Secretary of the United Nations, Kofi Annan, turned up to referee the fight, but could in no way be called a fair referee due to his new found love of Scottish whiskey and his longstanding mistrust of the US forces in Iraq. Although General Keane put up a pretty good fight, he turned out to be no match for the kilt-wearing Brown.
When asked to respond to the fight between the British Prime Minister and the American General, President George “Dubya” Bush looked confused (more confused than normal) before saying to the world’s media, “What are you guys talking about? My buddy Tony Blair is still Prime Minister isn’t he?”

The Dalai Lama is causing trouble again. The mutually suspicious but financially lucrative relationship between China and the U.S. hit a small bump in the road last week. That bump was a bald man with a permanently serene smile welded onto his Tibetan head. His Holiness the Dalai Lama was in Washington to receive a Congressional Gold Medal and to meet with George Bush. Numerous focus groups from Europe and the U.S. informed the White House that any time the President spent within the peaceful aura of the Dali Lama would help to improve his image as a war mongering fool. There only remained the problem of the Chinese…

Ever since Chairman Mao decided for political reasons to invade Tibet soon after World War II, to divert attention from the catastrophic famine sweeping China at the time, the Chinese Government have taken the “none of your beeswax” approach to discussing the Tibet issue. One Asian historian recently presented evidence that suggests the Chinese army were told prior to the invasion of Tibet that The Forbidden City of Lhasa was built with marzipan and almonds and any soldier could help himself to the confectionary city. The historian sites as evidence the numerous tooth marks that can be seen on the foundations of the wall to The Forbidden City and the unusually large number of dentist surgeries still operating in Lhasa due to the number of teeth broken on the not so sweet masonry.

These days any mention of Tibet has sent sparks of righteous indignation through the sharply dressed members of the Chinese Polit Bureau, especially in these sensitive moments leading up to the Olympics. Lush for London and Yahoo News scooped this unusually emotional response from the Chinese Foreign Minister:

“We solemnly demand that the U.S. cancel the extremely wrong arrangements,” said Chinese Foreign Minister Yang (sweet tooth) Jiechi in Beijing. “It seriously violates the norm of international relations and seriously wounded the feelings of the Chinese people and interfered with China’s internal affairs.” After giving the interview Mr Jiechi went and sulked in the corner giving the assembled Press evil looks while trying not to cry.

When the Foreign Minister had calmed down he showed us pictures of tens of thousands of Chinese citizens looking upset and on the verge of tears. The Lushforlife Chinese correspondent later commented that there was no way of knowing if these unhappy Chinese citizens were crying tears of regret that President Bush was to meet with the exiled leader of Tibet or some thing more meaningful to the people such as, The Mattel Toy factory they worked at being closed down (due to the lead paint and design flaws in the latest Barbie), or maybe their children being sold on the Chinese black market (current prices range from $500 to $3000 ), or even lack of sun light due to humungous amounts of coal burning fire stations in the Northern regions (The photo was black and white but had been taken with colour film).

Back in the States there was another reason the Dalai Lama had taken the time to visit Washington and the President, one that had been kept out of the published itinerary. The last time His Holiness visited the President, the Dalai Lama was keen to know if Bush could pick out Tibet on a map of the world. When the President pulled out a map of America and started to scan through the States he knew, the Dalai Lama bowed his head and sighed. He promised to return and give Bush a geography lesson.

We had hoped that the Lush for Life spy cam that we had installed in the Oval Office would be able to pick up on this primary school level geography class but in his wisdom the Dalai Lama jammed our attempts to eavesdrop so as to protect this fragile mind from ridicule. However, The President was seen leaving the oval office sucking on a lollypop so we know that he must have got at least one question right, either that or the Dalai Lama believes that every person deserves a sweet for trying.

Four years ago, I went for a walk in the fair city of London. More than nine hundred thousand, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine other people happened to be walking in the same direction as me at the same time. Either it was an amazing coincidence, or as the banners many folks were carrying suggested, it was The Anti-War March, organized a few months before Britain or America went to war against Iraq. It was the largest protest march in Britain since the General strike of 1926. The famously apolitical and apathetic Generation X put their coats on, grabbed their hats, lifted up their anti-war banners and took to the streets of London to make their views known to Tony Blair and G. Bush.

Some of my friends at the time had been swayed by the media and the Government spin-doctors. In Britain back then it was all about WMD, it was our duty to free the people of Iraq and remove the threat of chemical and biological weapons. It seemed more straightforward in America: anyone with brown eyes whose country has more oil than you would reap the whirlwind. Poor Tony Blair had to sell the war to us as our responsibility, sprinkling us with the confetti of fear, those WMD.
I never bought the spin, me and the other million plus others who marched all those years ago. I said it then and I say it now; the war will go on and on and eventually settle down into a guerrilla style war that will lead only to greater instability in the region the longer foreign troops were on the streets of Baghdad.
A few years ago I was feeling particularly righteously indignant. I went to visit the House of Commons. I stood in the Gallery that over looks Tony Blair and all the Members of Parliament and shouted at the top of my voice.
“I TOLD YOU SO!”

After I was arrested, sent to Guantanamo, and then released a couple of years later, I thought it was high time for another march. Thanks to the new generation, the MySpace/FaceBook generation, everyone knows everyone through some online community or other. I sent the word out to the million banner wavers of the past anti-war demonstration that their country needed them. It was time to be smug; it was time to be really smug and not just steal the moral high ground but build a house on that high ground and invite everyone for dinner. So, Lush For Life readers, dust off your anti-war banners – the “WE TOLD YOU SO” march is being organized for next month. We are just waiting to hear from the London Police force to see if they will let us go ahead with the march past the Houses of Parliament.
There is of course, next to no chance that the “I Told You So” march will be allowed to go ahead due to the loss of almost all our rights to protest in the intervening years since we went to war with Iraq, in which case we will remain smug and quiet, and will whisper with malevolence. (So as not to be arrested for an illegal protest… )
“WE TOLD YOU SO!”

NORTH POLE – Shocking news of slavery and cruelty has come to light at the start of the festive season. Santa Claus has been arrested for crimes against Elves. The newly ratified laws on Elf, Pixie, and Fairy Rights became law late last week. Since that time, a team of lawyers who have been the long-term representatives of Santa’s Elves issued a list of crimes that they say have been committed by Santa over many years. The Lapland Police made the arrest yesterday, amid protests from children, who fear their stockings may go empty this year.

In a statement to the press, the Elves’ lawyer said, “This community of three hundred Elves has been working as slaves for a Mr. S. Claus for too long. Their working conditions would make a Pilipino Gap sweatshop worker tremble with fear. They have had to live in dank, dark, freezing cold underground caverns making toys around the clock. We have collected numerous accounts of Elf beatings and maltreatment. The fact that he is world famous and popular with all the kids in the world will in no way deter us from demanding the maximum sentence possible.”

The leader of the newly formed Elf Trade Union said today, “Our emancipation is at hand! We were once a proud people; we have become a down trodden underclass fit only to make toys for an old tyrant, whose image as ‘friend to all children’ has protected him in the past.

“Now that the tyranny of that old, fat drunkard is over, we will work hard to improve the working conditions of Elves everywhere.”

The State Prison in Lapland is not what you would call high tech, so I took the opportunity to interview Mr. Claus through the bars of his cell. At first he refused to talk to me but after I passed him a few mince pies and a bottle of mulled wine he began to open up a little.

“So Mr. Claus, what do you make of all this? Are you innocent?”

“Who ever heard of anything so ridiculous, Elves havin’ rites. It ain’t right. What is the world coming to?”

“Well Mr. Claus, they are sentient beings who some say are immortal.”

“Yes, it’s true. That’s why they make such good workers, being immortal and all. No growing old means no arthritis in their little hands, which means no drop in toy production. Imagine if I had to train up a new bunch of maggots each year to take over the ones that had died.”

“Really, Mr. Claus, your cold heartedness surprises me.”

“Bah Hum Bug! You are all a bunch of yellow-bellied Democrats aren’t ya? Don’t you know your history, boy, mmh? How do you think Rome was built? Not by Romans, that’s for sure! Who built the pyramids? Not the bloody pharaohs, I can tell ya. Slaves, boy, that’s who built the modern world. In fact, come to think of it, who made that jacket you’re wearing, or those jeans? Indentured slaves in India, that’s who. So don’t come round here all actin’ high an’ mighty with those part time morals of yours. Piss off the lot of ya!”

METROPOLIS – The average American citizen does not have superpowers, latent or otherwise, rebuffing the slew of television shows, films, and fictional accounts to the contrary. As a matter of fact, studies show that the average American citizen is just that: average.

No matter what they tell us about hopes and dreams coming true, most of them will not.

Inspirational films, such as Rudy, and programs that showcase ordinary, everyday people discovering that they have powers beyond their wildest dreams, like the new television show Heroes, have all proved to be unattainable fantasies to Joe America.

Much like the backlash that hit the modeling industry that has for years portrayed beauty as the impossible five-foot-nine ninety-pound cover girl, visions of grandeur are now being spoken of as delusions of it.

“I had a really shitty life,” one anonymous teenager told LushForLife.com correspondent Willy O’Keefe. “I thought that one day, if I just toughed it out, I would discover that I had a really cool superpower, like flying or telepathy, or maybe even x-ray vision. Now, though, I know that I am just an ordinary loser, and am going to commit suicide next Wednesday.”

The findings of normalcy come after a twenty-four month study performed by Rice University that was begun as result of a record-breaking number of students (472) jumping off bridges under the illusion that they could fly.

Despite toxicology reports that indicated that most of the students were intoxicated on the illegal substance PCP, one concerned parent brought her fight to the steps of the White House, garnering the attention of George “Dubya” Bush during one of his daily lawn walks with first canine Barney.

“I think it’s disturbing, I do,” Bush said on his Saturday radio address. “It’s one thing for our freedom to be threatened by al-Qaeda, Iran, Iraq, and North Korea, but now to know that our average American is incapable of miraculously developing superpowers, like flying or telepathy, or maybe even x-ray vision… that’s just plain un-American.”

To quell this atrocity, Bush is commissioning a special panel to investigate and rebuff Rice University’s findings and reassure all Americans that the improbable, no matter how unlikely, is completely possible and should, indeed, be considered probable.

MALAYSIA – Divers have made an orgasmic discovery off the coast of Malaysia. LushForLife.com rushed me out on the Lear jet to find out more. “It is amazing,” said Sunny, from Sunlight Divers. “I have been diving here for seven years and I never realized…”

“Realized what?” I said, getting impatient after a fourteen-hour flight. “There is this dive site I have been going to called ‘Temple’… must have been there two, three hundred times. It’s a mini-mountain under the water. We began to notice that it was not a constant high – sometimes taller and more pert, and at other times, smaller and more flaccid. It wasn’t until we had the famous atmospheric engineer, Professor James Lovelock, the pioneer of Gaia theory, come and do his PADI course with us that we realized what we had been diving on. According to Professor Lovelock, the Earth has a clitoris.”

Gaia theory, in a nutshell, puts forward the view that the Earth is an ecosystem in its own right, and can therefore be thought of as “alive”. Prof. Lovelock said to LushForLife.com: “I work for NASA, so you have to believe everything I say, as it’s the law in the USA, and I say the Earth is alive and it’s a girl, and this is undeniable proof. So there.”

As an experienced diver and a bit of an amateur scientist, myself, I have conducted preliminary “tests” on the clitoris. Diving down with a giant vibrator, I began to massage the tip of the stony clit. Sure enough, the Earth moved and enlarged. After the clit and I had become more familiar with each other’s bedroom desires, I managed to bring our planet to climax. Unfortunately, this caused the major earthquake in Java, Indonesia, which has killed thousands of people and left many more homeless. I have discontinued my quasi-experiments in whacking off with Mother Nature, as it seemed a touch dangerous for the human population of the world. For the first time in my life, I found myself a little inadequate in meeting this girl’s desires (not that I have anything against big women).

Work is now underway to discover the rest of Gaia’s anatomy. Geologists are searching for two mountains of equal size with small domes on top. Although, due to Gaia’s age, there is a definite possibility that her breasts will have sagged a good deal, so the search continues.

Residents from Key West, Florida have said to LushForLife.com, “We’ve known for years where the arsehole of the world is; it’s Tampa, Florida. That Tampa crowd stinks to high heaven! They smell so bad, they lose their sense of smell soon after they are born.”

Scientists are also looking into the possibility that Gaia’s vagina is Yellow Stone Park… which reminds me of a girl I once knew called “Old Faithful” who could cum on command…

BEIJING, CHINA – The world famous Shaolin Temple unveiled to the world press, yesterday, that the venerable Head Abbot has discovered an ancient text that could be the ultimate force in martial arts. This style is so powerful, no other martial art has yet defeated the current Shaolin Champion who has been schooled in this new form. Incredibly, not one challenger has been able touch the undisputed master of the new form.

LushForLife.com hacked into a CIA slush fund in order pay for my first class ticket to China with Virgin Airways (advertising Virgin Airways gets me the flight home). LushForLife.com was able to get an interview with the Abbot two hours before he was due to enter a year of silent meditation (once again, thanks to Virgin Airways for getting me there on time). The Abbot introduced me to the new Shaolin Master of WIMPO, the style that is set to eclipse all others.

I begged the Abbot’s permission to challenge the WIMPO master. With my years of Ninja training in Japan, I thought I would be a fair opponent. Little did I realize how awesome was the power of WIMPO. After a moment’s contemplation of the butterfly that had fluttered through the window, I stepped into my Shadow Wolf style, ready for whatever devastating attack the master would unleash. Instead of the customary Buddha Yell or War Cry, my opponent’s knees began to shake, his lips ran aquiver. I knew this must be some ruse to catch me off guard, so I refocused my mind and prepared for the evade and strike combinations that were ingrained into my flesh and bones whilst training in Japan. But no attack came. I crouched in stance while looking in astonishment at my opponent, who was now crying like a baby with teething problems. After he wet his pants, the will to fight this loser left me. I stood up and thought about bowing, but this blubbering creature on the floor did not seem worthy of respect. I walked off in disgust.

“I told you that he was invincible,” said the Abbot. “He has perfected the art of submission to such a degree that no one can attack him. In many cases, the attacker will take pity on him, buy him a beer, and give him the money for a cab ride home.”

LushForLife.com can report that Shaolin are petitioning the Chinese Government to allow WIMPO to become the new Olympic sport that China will introduce at the next Olympic Games. As we were going to press, I received word that the first martial arts school of WIMPO is due to open in Tampa, USA, in a month’s time.

None of this would have been possible without the help of the C.I.A and Virgin Airways. Virgin Airways has the hottest airhostesses in the West; almost as hot as the girls on Air Japan (now that’s saying something). Thanks Richard Branson; you’re the best.