Archive by Author

Looking For The Base

I was hiding from the Editor in the basement stairwell, when he appeared beside me and started eating the sub I was saving for lunch. “Gale,” he said in that gentle voice we all hate more than his roar. “I want a story about the people who still support Bush.” I breathed a sigh of […]

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Cheney Doctrine Adds To Sunshine Skyway Lure

“My family and I are deeply sorry for everything Vice President Cheney and his family have had to deal with,” said Harry Whittington, after the Veep shot him in the face. But Dick Cheney’s latest victim has refused to apologize, after the Vice President’s theories took her to the top of the Sunshine Skyway Bridge […]

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America: The Best Wife In The World!

The Editor went roaring though the Lush For Life offices looking for an unoccupied writer. I panicked. I don’t know why I hide under my desk, because it’s the first place he looks. “Did you see the Bill Maher stand-up special?” he demanded. “He was saying that Americans believe that we are the ‘best country […]

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Religious Approach To Road Transportation

The Vatican has examined road use and misuse, and found mankind in need of new guidance in this area. Lush For Life convened a focus group of AAs (Average Americans) to debate the Vatican’s “Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road”, and found that they think the bar has been set a bit high. […]

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Obama’s Strategy For Irish Vote Thwarted By Murder?

Barrack Hussein Obama’s great, great, great grandfather, Falmouth Kearney, came to the US from Ireland in 1850, and suddenly Obama has a new card in the hunt for the vote of Irish-blooded Americans. Coincidentally, the four-yearly Cricket World Cup has been creating a frenzy amongst billions of people worldwide, and the action has been happening […]

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McCain’s Rehab Pick-me-up

People like to be comfortable. Lush For Life confirmed this when we created a thirty-second advertisement for Dodge pick-up trucks. We thought it was hilarious. It featured two 400 pound, truck-driving Muslim lesbians in rainbow burqas. Unfortunately, it really bombed with the focus groups. All the Dodge owners in the audience left in a hurry […]

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Congress To Debate US Non-binding Resolution To Join British Commonwealth.

WASHINGTON – Yesterday, Junior Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.) introduced a resolution to debate a non-binding resolution proposing that the US rejoin the British Commonwealth. Our roving correspondent, Arthur Rocks, put on his reporter’s diaper and took the first plane to Washington. He wasn’t hoping for much of a story. He guessed that Jefferson Beauregard Sessions […]

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International Relations 101

You guys in the States are kind of confused. You have all these ideas about what the rest of the world thinks about you, but you don’t really understand. An American told me the other day that the dollar would cease to exist as a form of international currency, because the Euro will take over. […]

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Shaping Up For Oscar Season

All this stuff about the Oscars makes me depressed. I feel like a dog watching people who look that good, but my friends love this stuff. Then they still watch the programs where the bitch-face commentators inspect everyone on the red carpet, and rip them to shreds for months afterwards. Not-as-cute-ass-Them Dear Gl-Ass Half Empty […]

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Yah Gotta Make ‘Em Wanna

George W. Bush is looking to his legacy and is not happy with the way it is being presented.  The President is a simple kind of a guy, and doesn’t hold with a “Bush Doctrine” that has fancy concepts such as “Preemptive unilateral military action” from a base of “strength beyond challenge” to “extend democracy, […]

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“Men’s Health” Ranked Worst Magazine In The US

Tampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. […]

RIM To Release Crackberry Standard And Pro

crackberry

This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. […]

“Tase Me, Bro!” Says Sadomasochistic USF Student

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University […]

Danny’s Sports Box

No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only […]

Patriots Receive White House Support

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets […]