Lush For Life

MINNEAPOLIS – A baker’s dozen of retards from the North Star state have collected enough funds from charity car washes and “I-Feel-Bad-For-You-Therefore-Yes-I Will-Buy-This-Suspicious-Looking-Cookie-Thingy” bake sales to purchase a majority share of the Nash Finch Company, mother company of smaller chains such as AVANZA Supermarkets, Econofoods Stores, and Sun Mart Foods Stores.

TAMPA – Offices are abuzz at LushForLife.com headquarters, as our trained monkeys have figured out how to program, and are off on new and exciting adventures in the digital realm.

TEHRAN – In a rush story that any journalist should be obligated to write, Iran has figured out how to really piss off Americans, this week, in claiming to have fulfilled plans for a nuclear power plant, complete with excessive waste that can be used for nuclear weapons. President Bush has noted that all options [...]

…Continued from last week I awoke on the floor of my Columbian hotel room this morning to the buzzing of my god damned cell phone. It was Duncan Idaho, bitching to me about deadlines and due dates and the sort. I rebuked him, reminding him that I was Senior Editor around here, and I’d be [...]

Opinion pieces are a stupid, pointless waste of time. I have been Senior Editor of this fine website for eight months, now, and have decided that is the only way to describe them. They waste my time as I actually have to go through the arduous process of editing them, and then it throws everyone [...]

MIAMI – A new study performed at the University of Miami has scientists flustered, leaving more questions about the intelligence quotient of dolphins than ever before. The crazed series of events took place in Leveringtonshire, a small suburb of the large Florida city.

I got a call from my anonymous Hollywood insider on Monday night. He told me to get my shit together and be ready to interview a big Hollywood star first thing in the morning Tuesday. At least, that’s what I heard through my ears filtered by two midnight joints and enough Afghani smack to knock [...]

L4L HEADQUARTERS, TAMPA – LushForLife.com, the cutting edge of the absurdly ridiculous, the razor’s edge of political hilarity, and the broken mirror prison-shank of Hollywood’s insanity, turns a new corner this week as we bring you the first of many installments of our twisted version of reality.

WASHINGTON – The GOP showed its true colors, Monday, when it voted to outlaw guns in a shocking repeal of the 4th Amendment. To liberal-minded freethinkers, it at first seemed a true breathe of fresh air and victory, as the Republican Party accepted its first lost round in a long, long boxing match. Democrats everywhere [...]

WASHINGTON – Vice President Dick Cheney admitted in a press conference, Tuesday, that when he “accidentally” shot his buddy, GOP Lawyer Harry Whittington, while hunting quail last week, he actually believed that he was playing Bungie’s Halo video game and lost track of reality.