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Toothpaste Seizure Averts Tragedy

San Francisco – Tragedy was averted Thursday when a quick-thinking Transportation Security Administration screening officer spotted and impounded a 12 ounce tube of Aquafresh brand fluoride toothpaste before it could be carried on board an American Airlines flight to Dallas. (more…)

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You Don’t Give A Shit About The Value Of The Dollar

[Lush For Life’s Economics Correspondent Edward Payne first submitted this story to Forbes Magazine, The Wall Street Journal, The Bloomberg Report, The San Francisco Chronicle, The St. Pete Times, The Tampa Bay Business Journal, In the Loop, The Carrollwood Times, The New Tampa Neighborhood News, The Gazette, The Idlewild Baptist Church Newsletter, and The Coffee […]

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Al Qaeda Kingpin Confesses

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA – At a closed door meeting of a top secret military tribunal, suspected Al Qaeda mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed admitted to planning and funding the September 11th attacks against the World Trade Center, the 1898 bombing of the USS Maine in Havana harbor, acknowledged his key role in planning the 1941 Japanese […]

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Merrill Lynch Lynched

NEW YORK – In the wake of wild and still ongoing stock market drops, hordes of angry investors have descended upon lower Manhattan in an apparent expression of spontaneous rage. The collective action seems to have no leader, no motto, and no plan, save the wreaking of vengeance upon the large investment banks that the […]

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Bush Mystified After Colbert Speech

WASHINGTON – President Bush was utterly mystified in the aftermath of cable TV comedian Stephen Colbert’s controversial White House Correspondents’ Dinner speech last week, according to both numerous White House sources and public remarks from the President himself. (more…)

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Republican Necromancers To Resurrect Reagan Tonight

WASHINGTON – Top Republican sorcerers are to gather tonight at midnight beneath the Capitol Rotunda in a rare full Solemn Conclave meeting to attempt to resurrect deceased former President Ronald Reagan, according to multiple highly-placed sources close to the Republican National Committee. The Solemn Conclave would be the Republicans’ first since 1991, when they are […]

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Bush Declares ‘War On Hurricanes’, Venezuela

WASHINGTON – With Hurricane Wilma’s recent battering fresh in the minds of the crucial Florida electorate and still another month to go in the 2005 hurricane season, President Bush held a joint press conference with top Republican leaders today to declare a formal “war on hurricanes.” Reading from a prepared statement, the President cited the […]

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President Tours New Orleans

NEW ORLEANS – President Bush was upbeat today at a mid-afternoon press conference given amidst the muddy ruins of New Orleans, expressing hope that “a better city will soon rise from these ashes.” He outlined in broad terms his administration’s plan to rebuild the city “along the lines of what our marketing guys say will […]

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Religious Lunatics United In Wake Of Katrina

NEW ORLEANS – Proving that the differences between the various segments of humanity are not really so significant in the wake of great tragedy, extremist religious nut jobs from across the entire spectrum of fairytale-based beliefs put aside their many differences to praise God’s decision to eradicate New Orleans. Extremist leaders of Christians, Muslims, and […]

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“Men’s Health” Ranked Worst Magazine In The US

Tampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. […]

RIM To Release Crackberry Standard And Pro

crackberry

This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. […]

“Tase Me, Bro!” Says Sadomasochistic USF Student

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University […]

Danny’s Sports Box

No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only […]

Patriots Receive White House Support

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets […]