Lush For Life

WASHINGTON – In a surprise announcement, the Bush administration has released plans to solve both the raging border protection and immigration debate, as well as the international outcry over the treatment of detainees at the Guantanamo Bay detention center.

PARIS – A French company has recently released a shocking new product for the French traveler. It is an electronic bracelet designed to warn French tourists when they are approaching American tourists while on vacation, so that they may take the necessary evasive maneuvers.

TAMPA, FL – A Tampa man is suing the Catholic Church over the fact that he believes God is stopping him from eating McDonald’s. Mr. C. Karl Khunt, of Tampa, began legal proceedings Thursday against the Vatican after he was confronted by an enraged group of protesters from the Florida Tomato Picker Association, blocking up [...]

TAMPA, FL – A Tampa man is suing the Catholic Church over the fact that he believes God is stopping him from eating McDonald’s. Mr. C. Karl Khunt, of Tampa, began legal proceedings Thursday against the Vatican after he was confronted by an enraged group of protesters from the Florida Tomato Picker Association, blocking up [...]

I don’t have cable, thank God, but I still spend an exorbitant amount of time watching television. This is mainly due to an out of control drug problem, no friends, and a general hatred for the world outside. And what could better confirm that the planet is so deserving of your hard fought, blood pressure [...]

ES: You mentioned Cronenberg. If you think about him, I mean, he almost got his start doing, practically, what would be considered “B” movies, what with Videodrome and… the other thing… DI: That thing terrifies me. DR: Rabid. With Marilyn Chambers.

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – Web giant Google is apparently planning on taking over more than just the Internet. The plans of world domination were allegedly revealed accidentally after a blogger spotted notes in a slideshow presentation wrongly published on Google’s site.

LYNCHBURG, VA – The release of a new Lynchburg Police Department study that examined the effects of distractions on traffic accidents has created quite a stir in the small, conservative town. The study, which was conducted over five months and cost 3.2 million dollars, found that 17% of traffic accidents occurred due to men ogling [...]

TORINO, ITALY – As the Winter Olympic games kick off, many bored civil rights activists have found something to complain about: the obvious lack of black biathlonists and other competitors of color who made the US Winter Olympic team. In fact, after searching the US Olympics Team website (http://www.usolympicteam.com/21.htm), Jessie Jackson was only able to [...]

ATLANTA – As the dust settles on the Coretta Scott King six-hour-long funeral extravaganza, new and unsettling information is rising like a dysentery-infected phoenix… with a limp. The woman behind the fabled chicken-mayonnaise sandwiches that the late, great Dr. Martin Luther King so loved, finally prepared her last partly split round-roll containing a filling of [...]