STREETSVILLE, ON – The recent string of pet food poisonings which has lead to the death of many North American cats has left the pet-lovers’ community shocked and terrified.
Menu Foods Income Fund, the holding company that owns the suspected brands, has recalled all of their wet pet food products in an attempt to quell the loss of life. Speculation is abounding as to the source of the poison in the popular pet brands – everything from gluten from China to misused pesticides have been accused of killing kitties across America. In a stunning revelation, Lush For Life has uncovered that this is one of the only examples of a greedy corporate giant actually not being responsible for its dangerous product. The real origin of the noxious nosh: the Biker Mice From Mars. Continue Reading

Our fearless leader has pledged more troops to Iraq. Well done. A new idea? No. Will it work? Who knows?
As a nice, progressive, semi-hippie, bleeding heart liberal I can’t really jump up on my soap box and say, “Good job, Georgie” for sending more of my demographic out to die.
So where does that leave me? As a registered Democrat, I look towards my wonderful party’s great leadership and say, “You got a better idea?” And they say, “Well, yes, Duncan, we think that war is bad and so we should pull out our troops and bring them home where they’re safe and sound and they can stop killing Iraqis.” Almost as dumb as something a Republican from Texas would say. Continue Reading

I’m a troop-hating, flag-burning, terrorist-loving, communist hypocrite – and although I only recently discovered this, I know it to be true because I heard it on a Clearchannel radio show. It’s not just me, either; it’s everyone who’s not a card-carrying member of the Republican Party. One of these days, Mark Levin’s whiney, girlish voice, so lovingly-laced with insanity, is going to drive me to break my teeth with my steering wheel. At least Rush is a few octaves lower. Continue Reading

NEW YORK – Last week, as the 2008 presidential frontrunners Senator Hillary Clinton and Senator Barack Obama exchanged early blows over everything from comments made by David Geffen calling the Clintons liars to who they thought was going to win the Academy Award for best foreign film, and even over which the bigger news story was: Anna Nicole Smith dropping dead or Britney Spears’ breakdowns. Clearly the two campaigns had come to political deadlock over the issues and basic philosophical ideology. Continue Reading

Ah, January. Those sweltering Florida nights, those cool North Eastern ice storms, and those mild Illinois Winters – weather as weird and nonsensical as the political climate, and by no means less dangerous.

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We’re going into print! Friday, January 12th 2007, Lush For Life will be distributing our first 20,000 copies of our new print edition. Come join us at the Crowbar in Ybor City (1812 17th Street) for music, fashion and of course, the best satirical comedy the world has ever seen, ever (ever). Don’t miss out Lush Progress (no relation) – the hottest new band in the bay area, and so many other bands that the price of admission is a steal – especially considering the paper is free! There will be free drinks, live music, beautiful women, hunky guys (us) and some of the funniest people you’ll ever meet, just hangin around waiting to talk to your drunk ass. So come on down!

Chimps welcome. Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/slantedsynergy

As the world recoils in horror at the recent discovery that Maher Arar, a Canadian Muslim, was deported by US forces to Syria and tortured, we must stand back and actually examine the facts before falling into the leftist traps.

It makes me sick to my stomach that the world is buying into liberal slants on almost every issue they twist like a twisty swirly thing. They rant and rave that our government tortures American citizens, that torture doesn’t yield results, that it dehumanizes people, and if we torture enemy combatants, our foes will do the same to our troops! Hogwash!

First of all, Arar was not an American citizen. He was a dirty Canadian. For years, our Northern neighbor has undermined US policies by having a functional national health care program and sending us Bryan Adams and Celine Dion. How can we trust anything they say or do? The man was clearly not an American with his brown skin, black beard, and his disgusting use of the American language by adding “eh” to the end of his sentences. They were completely right to ship the bastard off to Syria. That’s right, Syria! We didn’t even do the torture! A bunch of filthy Arabs did it! It makes me want to run the next Democrat I see over with my H2 Hummer.

Next, to address the issue that torture doesn’t yield results, the man confessed! Cried and spilled his guts like a little girl, he did. Now sure, he confessed to having been trained in an Afghanisti terrorist camp, and it turned out that he had never been to Afghanistan, but that just proves my point. Imagine if he had been a real terrorist. If we can get that kind of intel out of an impostor, the results from the real deal would be phenomenal. I say beat, waterboard, and smack ‘em all around with electrical cable; one of them are bound to be an al-Qaeda.

Now, what makes me angry enough to vomit oil onto a baby seal is the ridiculous claim that this kind of interrogation will cause the other side to use torture, too. First off, our troops are vastly superior to anything the Middle East can spew up; they’d never squeal. Second, those bastards over there have no sense of decency; they would torture our guys in a second, irregardless of what we do to their terror mongers.

Finally, I would like to address the preposterous claim that torture dehumanizes these animals. How can you dehumanize a beast that is prepared to do horrible things to innocent people? They have no problem killing or torturing a man simply because he is a Westerner. I say, if you act like an animal, you should be treated as one.

BAGHDAD – As the death toll of American GIs in the War on Terror increases above and beyond that of the number of US citizens taken on 9/11, a few leftist-pinko-nut-cases are suggesting that the War in Iraq might not have been such a good idea. To make matters worse, some of the Jon Stewart following lunatic fringe of this great country are saying the results of this heroic effort to stem evil in the world is creating new problems. Now, not only do our fearless leaders have to contend with those who hate America abroad, but also at home. The latest barrage of anti-American sentiment coming from local sociopaths concerns the relatively small number of terrorist supporting towel-heads who have been displaced indirectly by the War on Terror.

One of Jon Stewart’s (who actually has the word ‘war’ in his name) psychotic supporters, Mr. B. S. Richards of McKeesport, PA, has suggested that the US Government supply aid to the 4.5 million refugees our noble efforts have created.

“We owe it to the world to at least try and clean up some of the mess we’ve created,” Mr. Richards told LushForLife.com reporter Arthur Rocks in a sit down interview in his McKeesport eco-home. “We clearly have the means to do so; just send them some of those cruise ships that we used after the Katrina disaster,” continued Richards in reference to Carnival Cruise‘s generous use of their ships as emergency housing for Louisiana residents displaced due to the devastating act of God against pro-choicers and homosexuals.

The suggestion has outraged many in the Republican Party, as it has been seen as an attack on how the Bush administration handled the hurricane. Sam Brownback (Rep. Senator, Kansas) told reporters, who stupidly brought up Mr. Richards’ comments in a press conference, that the idea was preposterous. “This idea is preposterous! Besides, Muslims don’t even eat shellfish, and everyone knows that you can only eat lobster dinners on a cruise!”

Super correspondent Arthur Rocks, who had flown into Kansas to follow up on his story, pointed out that it was the Jews who don’t eat shellfish, but that did not deter the brave Senator. “Well, I don’t care what they eat,” continued Brownback, “that idea will never work, last time we tried it, we only filled half the ships and paid more than double the price of a cruise to house those nig… poor people. The federal government would save millions of dollars by actually sending evacuees on a luxurious six-month cruise, and those people would never appreciate it.”

United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees, Mr. Antonio Guterres, told reporters Tuesday, “The refugees would not demand lobster dinners. Lobster is an acquired taste for many. Being Portuguese myself, I grew up on seafood and don’t quite understand some people’s dislike of shellfish, but we at the UN try and take into account cultural concerns when we use cruise ships to house displaced victims. We would be more than happy to offer aid to Carnival if they wanted to change their menus to hummus and lamb on the spit; I am quite fond of lamb as well as lobster.”

In other news, Carnival Cruise, as well as Holland America, stock soared today on Wall Street, and Southern Rock Lobster, the US’s largest exporter of lobster, plummeted.

PALM BEACH, FL – In yet another attempt to slander the good name of the world’s greatest radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, the liberal media has once again turned to made-up prescription drug scandals. Continue Reading

BERLIN, GERMANY – As the final few games of the 2006 FIFA World Cup finish up and we head into the “Round of 16 Elimination”, ESPN and ABC’s ratings are starting to trickle in, stunning the critics. Reaching between 2 and 3 percent of cable TV viewers in the US, the 2006 World Cup is proving that soccer may indeed have a future in America. Continue Reading