Archive by Author

Surviving The War On Christmas

“Ahhh Christmas… [cough]… Ahhh the holidays. A time for joy, giving, and over the top political correctness. Filled with cheap, tacky lights, obnoxious Wal-Mart decorations, and those awkward moments in the office after you’ve wished someone a “”merry Christmas”” and then forgotten that they’re not one of the homogenized, beautiful, factory-processed Christians that make up […]

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Mount Hood Hikers Kidnapped By Santa

“MOUNT RIVER, OR – Three hikers that were alleged to have been stranded on Oregon’s tallest mountain, Mount Hood, have been located working at Santa’ Sweatshop at the North Pole. Pacific Northwest Correspondent W.E.B. Dubois cracked the story earlier tonight as he was investigating allegations of a child pornography ring centered at the Pole. In […]

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Arrival Of Super Pixel Signals Death Of Mega Pixel

“TOKYO – With the arrival of the 2006 holiday season, digital imaging manufacturers are joining together to make sure their customers are able to capture all of their memories without issue. In a recent announcement made by Sony, a secret team of highly-skilled Japanese technicians displayed their poor communication skills while delivering the announcement of […]

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An Alternative Assault On Christmas

“HYANNIS PORT, MA – Christmas has come under fire from all sides again this season as Green Party faggots try their best to hide Christmas trees in the closet, wedged tightly between the Ten Commandments and their sexuality. However, the assault has proven multi-tiered this year, as some traditionally Jesus-hating, limp-wristed liberals are pretending to […]

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Ancient Find Triggers Genetic Study

“OXFORD, UK – Two new discoveries have been made deep in the oak forests of England. Number one: there are no more oak forests. Number two: there is new evidence to suggest that even 5000 years ago, the world had to deal with lawyers. The discovery was made during an archaeological dig near the City […]

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Polonium-210 Poisoning No Political Plot

LONDON – The ambassador of Japan to Great Britain, Mr. Guijin Kusai, came to confess all at the London headquarters of Lush For Life. Kusai looked like an agitated octopus as he floundered about the reception area while he waited to be sent up to my office on the 52nd floor. I stood up as […]

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Divorcée Tries To Overcome Void, Buys Cat

“WESLEY CHAPEL, FL – 42 year-old Renee Knowles, a recent divorcee, purchased an orange tabby cat yesterday in an attempt to stave off what Knowles described as “”the emptiness that is my [her] life””. According to Ms. Knowles, who currently works as a salon technician at Fantastic Sam’s, the divorce proceedings separating her from husband […]

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Father And Son See Mac Commercial, Reconcile Differences, Buy Computer

“PLANO, TX – These days, life at the Clarke residence is much more hospitable than it used to be, thanks in large part to a new series of Mac commercials which humorously differentiate between Mac and PC platforms. Reginald Clarke, a forty-nine year old accountant, said that until he’d seen the commercials, he’d often fought […]

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Mark Levin Is A Faggot Pederast

“NEW YORK – Conservative god Mark Levin, referred to as F. Lee Levin by fellow RNC suck-up and hypocrite Rush Limbaugh, was caught in a toilet stall at Yankee Stadium giving fellatio to a thirteen-year-old mongoloid on Tuesday, according to a NYPD insider. Bill Sterling, who wished to remain anonymous, made the report, but not […]

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What Would YOU Do For Money?

“Rupert Murdoch has decided that we won’t have to watch O.J. Simpson explaining how he might have murdered Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown. With television special, “”If I Did It””, dead, and the book deal ditto, Mr. Murdoch has actually apologized to O.J.’s victims’ families. Mr. Murdoch also, surprisingly, told Lush For Life that he […]

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“Men’s Health” Ranked Worst Magazine In The US

Tampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. […]

RIM To Release Crackberry Standard And Pro

crackberry

This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. […]

“Tase Me, Bro!” Says Sadomasochistic USF Student

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University […]

Danny’s Sports Box

No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only […]

Patriots Receive White House Support

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets […]