“Men’s Health” Ranked Worst Magazine In The US

T ampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. Petersburg Florida as the most depressing place to live and Tampa coming in close at third, Men’s Health magazine has been ranked as the Worst Magazine in the US.

The saddest city article was based on the magazine’s crack (smoking) reporting staff using the online tool SimplyMap, and looked at the amount of people taking antidepressants. Of course the “study” did not take into account the demographics (St. Petersburg has the highest ratio of people over the age of 65 in the country) or the reasons for people taking the medication or even that it could be inferred that it’s due to better access to health care.

The same publication recently elected Tampa as the worst city in the US based on scores such as “Lifestyle” which measured how much there is to do, access to ski resorts and average cost of housing, for which Tampa ranked 73rd after New York’s 72nd which of course makes perfect sense.  “What do you expect,” said Jhonas Bender, a leading Tampa Bay area evangelist and international man of mystery, “these are the same people who ranked Fargo North Dakota as the 7th happiest place to live in the country.  I guess if your idea of happiness is shoveling your station wagon out of the snow every freaking day then sunny beaches and a vibrant arts culture probably sounds pretty depressing to you.” However, the truth behind the new cities ranking is much more sinister than simple bad reporting and idiotic statistical interpretations.

Most famous for its in-depth reporting on topics such as “How to improve your online dating profile” and “How to seduce any woman,” Men’s Health magazine has now been found to be the worst magazine in the United States by statistical analysis.

The study was conducted by the Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics Foundation of Dubuque, Iowa, most famous for finding the correlation between low IQ and light beer consumption. The magazines where scored on five factors: Quality of Writing; Over-Used Headlines; Fear Mongering; Relevancy; and General Idiocy. Men’s Health was received scores of 87, 100, 75, 98 and 99 respectively for the categories, beating out some tough competition for the worst rag in the United States like “Pet Rock Connoisseur” and “Genital Mutilation Enthusiast.”
The magazine was given an ‘Over-Used Headline’ score of 100 for basically publishing the same issue over and over again. “Internal consistency is important if you want to be a great publication,” said senior editor Bill Phillips in defense, “that’s why we have a ‘How to get six pack abs in six weeks’ article every edition.”

Often referred to as a “leading light in journalism” by many of its editorial staff, Men’s Health has pioneered creative marketing and sales strategies in this world of sadly declining print media. “No one had even thought of sending trial editions of a magazine to people who didn’t want it and then invoicing them for the two free editions a month later before we did it,” said Author Rocks, a former Men’s Health sports editor. “When they didn’t pay, we sent their asses to a collection agency. Soon most of our ‘subscribers’ realized that they couldn’t mess with us and we became unstoppable. I just don’t see how these folks could consider Men’s Health to be anything but the greatest magazine ever published.”

It seems that the new rankings have taken a serious toll on the senior staff at the magazine. Deputy Editor Adam Campbell has decided to quit the magazine citing “I just can’t look at my self in the mirror any more, giving gay men eating disorders just doesn’t seem to give me the same joy it used it.” And “New Projects Editor” Gabe Guarente was found dead in his Emmaus, Pennsylvania apartment Wednesday. Guarente left a beautifully penned suicide note stating, “I can’t go on. I have an English degree from Tufts University for God’s sake! Every day I have to correct the grammar and punctuation of writers whose main qualifications are ‘former fitness instructor’ and ‘great pecks’. I told them, if I have to edit one more damned story on spray tanning I was going to kill myself! They laughed – now who’s laughing? – GG”
Update: Three more senior editorial staff at Men’s Health have now tragically taken their own lives, citing reasons ranging from unbearable sexual harassment to the inability to deal with the frequent misuse of semi-colons.

This is not the first time that the pubescent publication has come under fire for its ranking systems. In 2000 Men’s Health ranked UMass – a campus where women had recently been plagued by a serial rapist – as one of the nation’s worst colleges for men. Their rational: Too much of: Women’s studies, feminism, multiculturalism, enforcement of Title IX, strong sexual harassment policies.

“The thing is you see,” said Arthur Rocks, “is that if you’re not a white, male, English speaking, red-meat eating, self-obsessed narcissist, we just don’t like you. Why do you think Tampa and St. Petersburg continuously get trashed by the magazine? You people and your artsy-fartsy cultural nonsense, your ethnic diversity and high rates of pay equality for women just make me sick. Real cities like Emmaus are 96% white, women make 66% less than men and are named after places in the Bible. Just because you people have three times the job growth, better access to health care, lower hypertension rates, more universities, twice the money spent on the arts per person, better weather, and some of the best beaches in the world doesn’t mean anyone would want to live in your stinking hellhole.”

It seems that because the Tampa Bay area is consistently named one of the best places for singles, raising a family, access to health care, retirees, safety, cultural and ethnic diversity, recreation, and access to education means that folks whose primary concern in life is finding “The Best New Hair Products for Men” couldn’t stand to live here.

However it must be true. If you read Men’s Health, you know that all men are buff, all woman are half-naked and everything is better grilled. These truths are so self-evident that it must mean that the Tampa Bay area is the worst place in the country to live and that everyone in St. Petersburg is one step away from killing themselves, probably because they couldn’t get those six pack abs in six weeks.

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Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

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