“Tase Me, Bro!” Says Sadomasochistic USF Student


TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University Police during a question and answer session with Jack Hanna at the Sun Dome. Myers, a senior majoring in anthropology, insinuated that the host of the popular TV show Jack Hanna’s Animal Adventures continued his relationship with animals off camera. “Is it true that you get lonely after filming your show? I mean; you of all people would know that monkeys are down for anything. Maybe even a little hand job action. And look at that sexy thing over there; you’ve got to be kidding me that you never noticed the super suction on that anteater’s nose! I bet you put your moccasin in there at least one time just to see how it feels; I know I would!” Myers said to a cheering crowd.
“Wait, I’m not even done yet; I still have another question! Is the whole ‘put peanut butter on your testicles and have your dog lick it off’ thing true? I’m sure you could give us some expert testimony on that one! I really want to know!” continued Myers as his microphone was cut off and police escorted him to the back of the arena. “Excuse me! Whoa, whoa, whoa, is anybody watching this?! Hell yes! Get on me! Get your hands all over me! Don’t help! Don’t Help! Are you kidding?! I got this under control! You’re arresting me?! What are you doing?! Is this what you call being physical? Don’t help! Don’t help! I’m OK! I’m OK! That feels so good! Get on me! Get on me! Get the officer over there not doing anything with the big arms to get on me! Help me! Help! I want that buff officer to rub my nipples! They’re arresting me! This is all going by too fast!” Myers said as he was apprehended by police and warned he would be Tasered if his behavior continued.
As police pinned him to the ground, Hanna went on to address the crowd by answering that he has not, to his knowledge, ever engaged in bestiality, but Myers continued his rambunctious behavior. “Get on me, man! What the fuck are you waiting for? Tase me, bro!” he said as he was finally Tasered and shrieked with ecstasy to a stirred up crowd. Myers was eventually apprehended and taken to a local jail, where he spent the night on bond and faces charges of resisting an officer and disturbing the peace.
A statement released by Myers to the media indicates that he is in good spirits about the ordeal. “I can’t believe they actually Tasered me! That’s fucking awesome! And all I had to do was fight for my right to free speech! But seriously, it wasn’t anything like you see on “Cops”. They treated me like I was so damn fragile and I didn’t even get to bust a nut. But the room full of animals and students watching definitely made up for it; it was such a rush! You should have seen the look on that koala’s face: it looked like he wanted to get in on the action, too! And I would have let him if it wasn’t for the police fucking the whole thing up!”
Myers and his attorney are not expected to press charges.

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