Patriots Receive White House Support


FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets play callers during the first week of the NFL season by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, have received attention from not only the panorama of the NFL, but also the George W. Bush White House.
After being forced to hand over all of the materials and information gathered from stealing opposing team’s defensive signals, Patriots coach Bill Belichick received an unexpected guest at team headquarters.
“The vice president made a special trip to visit our organization to see how we were coming along,” Belichick said to Lush For Life correspondent and former undercover CIA operative Arthur Rocks.  “Mr. Cheney offered our team some positive support and constructive criticism regarding our recent transgressions,” Belichick said.  “With the help of Mr. Cheney and the White House, our team will be incorporating new, ground-breaking methods of surveillance and espionage that have never before been seen in the National Football League,” Belichick said to Rocks in their intimate one-on-one conversation over Old Fashioneds and cocktail onions from coach Belichick’s personal stainless steel steam-bath at team headquarters.
According to New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft, a close friend, golf-partner, and hunting-buddy of President Bush, the White House is “sympathetic to our plight,” and “is willing to do whatever is in their [unlimited and unquestioned] power to see our organization continue on course”.
“Mr. Cheney suggested that our counter-intelligence team should have a more technical and secure approach to gathering information,” Kraft said to Rocks.  “Rather than spying from the sidelines, we should place our investigators in luxury boxes away from the sight of league officials, and supply them with state-of-the-art surveillance equipment,” Kraft said.  “The vice president also offered technology, currently used by the NSA, to tap conversations between opposing coaches during games, and a new way to gain access to radio frequencies transmitted to the opposing quarterback’s helmet radio undetected,” Kraft admitted.
Other intelligence-gathering methods suggested by Cheney include paying members of the opposing stadium’s custodial staff to gain access to team locker rooms for bugging, and recruiting aspiring federal investigators and implanting them as moles in other teams’ organizations to access secret, privileged information.
Coach Belichick indicated that funds needed to develop and employ their revamped surveillance system would be provided by a source outside the organization, but said that source will remain anonymous.  “At this point, we are just moving forward,” Belichick said.  “I’m not going to comment any further.  Right now, we are just moving forward.  We are thinking about the Bengals and moving forward.  There’s nothing more to say, other than we are moving forward,” Belichick said.

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