Nancy Drew: Terrorist Spy

WASHINGTON – US Press Secretary Dana Perino arrived at the podium, the air heavy with tension, when she broke the news that heralded super-sleuth Nancy Drew had been captured and now detained by the CIA at the infamous Guantanamo Bay terrorist repository in Cuba.
Perino, sullenly, addressed the awaiting press: “Good morning, everybody… I have some disturbing news about heralded super-sleuth Nancy Drew: it appears that she has been conspiring with terrorist organizations to commit crimes against the United States. While I cannot go into detail, as we have an on going investigation, I can assure you that our intelligence is strong on this and you will be updated at the appropriate time. Now I will open the floor to your questions.”
“Thank you, Ms. Perino. Quentin Schaffer with the Carrollwood Neighborhood News. How long has Ms. Drew been working with the US government, and has she found the secret of the missing clock?”
“I cannot say how long Ms. Drew has been employed with us, and yes, I do believe she found the secret. Next question. Yes, you in the back with the handlebar mustache.”
“Hi. Chester Ringfield, Lush for Life News. How does our government send a young girl deep into enemy territory with no experience and nothing but a flash light and her wits to protect her?”
“Excuse me, sir; I will not have that perverse language in this room!”
“What?! All I said was ‘wits.’”
“Oh. You didn’t say ‘tits?’ (To her assistant) He didn’t say tits? You sure?
“Okay… I’m sorry; please proceed.”
“Thank you, Dana. My point was: don’t we have somebody else to do this job, like the Army Rangers or the Super Friends?”
“Well, Chester, the Rangers are busy protecting our borders from migrant workers and the Super Friends are on contract with a new Broadway play, ‘Shamus! Don’t Touch Me There’, starring Aqua Man as Shamus. (It’s a great play; I can get you balcony seats if you’d like.) What I can assure you of is that President Bush meet with Ms. Drew personally and he felt that she was more than qualified”
“That’s what makes this whole development the ever more disturbing. If President Bush can make this misjudgment, what hope is there for the rest of us?”
“Now, I must go. Thank you.”
We all were shuttled out like cattle. Passing through the outside doors, we were meet by a mob of protesters… but not any ordinary protesters: it was sea of has-beens, who’s-beens, almost-was-beens, that-guy-I-think-was-busted-with-that-other-guy-in-that-bathroom-stall-in-san-fran-you-know-who-I-mean-beens, wow-I-thought-he-died-of-aids-guess-not-beens, and never-will-be-… beens. And Ralph Macchio.
Unexpectedly, one of the Hardy Boys came up to me, reeking of man love and Old Stock cologne.
“Hey, man – you want the real story? Nancy was capture by al-Qaeda and was forced to watch old reruns of Magnum PI, so she had no choice other than to become a double agent.”
“Really?” I ask in amazement. “I didn’t think that Magnum was that bad; it had Tom Selleck and his kick-ass mustache.”
“You know nothing about 80’s sitcoms! T.J. Hooker could kick Tom Magnum’s ass!” “Fuck you, Encyclopedia Brown! Why don’t you take your ass back to San Francisco, or where ever the hell you’re from? Anyway, I thought you had AIDS… shouldn’t you be behind some truck stop making a buck from lonely truckers?”
“Oh my God,” in a pissy voice says Encyclopedia Brown.
“This, coming from the biggest queen ever, Sherlock. I mean, Jesus, why don’t you do some more ‘H’ and blow Watson?”
Out of nowhere, Fred from the Scooby Doo Gang comes in, still wearing that white shirt with popped collars, that freaking blue Afghan, and enough Botox to make Angela Lansbury’s cooter look edible.
“This whole fighting amongst each other gets us nowhere,” Fred shrilled. “We need to Stand up and take action… and now!”
Then: smash! People started throwing bottles and everything went black. I awoke two days later in a bathroom just outside of Georgetown University. My head was in a bandage, and I think I may have been raped; not a lot, but just enough to make me cry a little before bed every night.
This is Chester Ringfield, signing off.



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