The Dalai Lama is causing trouble again. The mutually suspicious but financially lucrative relationship between China and the U.S. hit a small bump in the road last week. That bump was a bald man with a permanently serene smile welded onto his Tibetan head. His Holiness the Dalai Lama was in Washington to receive a Congressional Gold Medal and to meet with George Bush. Numerous focus groups from Europe and the U.S. informed the White House that any time the President spent within the peaceful aura of the Dali Lama would help to improve his image as a war mongering fool. There only remained the problem of the Chinese… Continue Reading

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University Police during a question and answer session with Jack Hanna at the Sun Dome. Myers, a senior majoring in anthropology, insinuated that the host of the popular TV show Jack Hanna’s Animal Adventures continued his relationship with animals off camera. “Is it true that you get lonely after filming your show? I mean; you of all people would know that monkeys are down for anything. Maybe even a little hand job action. And look at that sexy thing over there; you’ve got to be kidding me that you never noticed the super suction on that anteater’s nose! I bet you put your moccasin in there at least one time just to see how it feels; I know I would!” Myers said to a cheering crowd. Continue Reading

No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only its 11th season, has found itself ranked #18 in both the Associated Press Top 25 poll and the USA Today Coach’s Poll, the highest ranking the school has enjoyed in its young history… and just in time for the #5 ranked West Virginia Mountaineers to come to town. USF saw their ranking surprisingly rise in both polls from 23 to 18 after dismantling Butch Davis’ mediocre North Carolina Tar Heels squad 37-10 Saturday at Raymond James Stadium. Don’t get too excited about that 18 ranking, just yet, USF fans… a #5 versus #18 looks a lot better than a #5 versus #23. That said, the Bulls do have a solid chance at knocking off the Big East frontrunners for a second year in a row, with a stifling defense that should be able to keep WVU’s vaunted triumvirate running attack of Pat White, Steve Slaton, and Noel Devine in check. If they can force White to pass, the Bulls may be staring another victory against a top 10 opponent in the face… Continue Reading

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets play callers during the first week of the NFL season by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, have received attention from not only the panorama of the NFL, but also the George W. Bush White House.
After being forced to hand over all of the materials and information gathered from stealing opposing team’s defensive signals, Patriots coach Bill Belichick received an unexpected guest at team headquarters. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON – US Press Secretary Dana Perino arrived at the podium, the air heavy with tension, when she broke the news that heralded super-sleuth Nancy Drew had been captured and now detained by the CIA at the infamous Guantanamo Bay terrorist repository in Cuba.
Perino, sullenly, addressed the awaiting press: “Good morning, everybody… I have some disturbing news about heralded super-sleuth Nancy Drew: it appears that she has been conspiring with terrorist organizations to commit crimes against the United States. While I cannot go into detail, as we have an on going investigation, I can assure you that our intelligence is strong on this and you will be updated at the appropriate time. Now I will open the floor to your questions.” Continue Reading

Lush for Life’s newest intrepid reporter, Marriot A. Lamb, has been aware that Hillary Clinton has been getting more than her fair share of attention with regards to her proposed changes to the Health Care system.
He called Mitt Romney (who is at least a Presidential candidate with a full complement of decision-making organs) to get some perspective on her proposal.
Romney was in Salt Lake City buying more magic underwear for his campaign, but agreed to talk on condition that Marriot promised to become a Mormon. (You’d think he’d know by now that you can cross your fingers behind your back when you’re on a phone when no one can see you!) Continue Reading

I feel for you my American cousins; I really do. If this is your chosen reading material, then you may well have heard of far off places outside the Bay Area, like Scotland, Albania, or Tunisia, you may even be able to find such places on a map. You might be capable of conceiving that there are people who have never eaten at KFC’s, girls who have never dreamed of being a cheerleader for their local college team or boys who have no idea what a tailgate is. This article is for you, people. Continue Reading

Alan Greenspan’s much-anticipated memoirs, entitled “The Age of Turbulence”, hit bookshelves last week. The fanfare surrounding the novel was amazing, with people in some areas of the country queuing for hours in much the same way they would for a new Harry Potter novel. Outside of the Wall Street Barnes & Noble, approximately 400 middle-aged, balding stockbrokers gathered. While some donned thick glasses and wore suits covered in dollar bills, others argued feverishly about the merits of a published inflation target. Reporting was difficult, however, as the crowd quickly became reticent when the media entered the area. Continue Reading

GREEN BAY, WI – In the wake of the Green Bay Packers come-from-behind victory over the San Diego Chargers at Lambeau Field on Sunday, Packers quarterback Brett Favre offered his usual parting words during a post game press conference.
“I am the greatest,” Favre said smugly, “and it is finally almost official.” Continue Reading

WASHINGTON – To the casual news watcher this week, two stories stick out like George W. pronouncing “incandescent” correctly: Iranian President and international man of insanity Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s visit to New York, and former Heisman trophy winner and slasher-killer O.J. Simpson’s run in with the law. Though the two stories seem, on the surface, unrelated, Lush For Life’s crack (smoking) investigative team has uncovered a massive, international conspiracy, linking the two events together in ways even more disturbing than the Eagles’ cornea-searing throwback uniforms. Continue Reading