Your Future For This Month


Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You will wake up this morning and find a red, swelled lesion seeping puss on the either the tip of your penis, or the edge of your labia. You might as well just cut it off… you weren’t going to use it anyway.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): After getting an urge to discover new, interesting music, your roommate will suggest Alan Parsons Project. You should, without thinking, shove a scorching hot fire poker through their skull.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): The city of Tampa will grant funds to rebuild your run-down and ghetto ridden neighborhood. After a construction crew fixes all the potholes in the road, you will witness your crack-dealing neighbor smashing new holes in the middle of the street with a pickaxe.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Feeling bored one afternoon, you decide to take a shit into a freezer-sized Ziploc bag and mail it to your mother. You are surprised when you find out how expensive postage is for your bowel movement.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): You will become a guitar legend this month. You will purchase the newest version of Guitar Hero, and whoop all of your nephew’s friend’s asses. You will dominate and become addicted to the game, and after 6 months of playing, you realize if you committed that time to playing a real guitar you might actually be decent.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): While watching a Brian Billick press conference, you will be unable to find your thesaurus and will have no idea what he is talking about. This will be enough to get you to go back to college.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You will have a dream about fucking your mother with a splintered broom handle. That is disgusting.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): You decide you want to broaden your horizons and watch a soccer game this month. It was a nil-nil draw, and completely terrible. So much for that…
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): After having a spiritual experience, you will feel like you are psychic. You will start writing your own horoscopes and will completely disagree with L4L predictions. Except for this one.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You will become addicted to Danielle Steele novels. Enjoy!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): While getting your paper one morning, you will notice your neighbors walking their dogs have matching haircuts and complementing clothing. You will at first think you are in the twilight zone, but realize it’s just Tampa Palms.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): You make a mistake and pick up today’s copy of the USF Oracle. After actually reading it from front to back, you’ll never make that mistake again, and will only read L4L from that point on.

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