Fashion To Fund Terror

A s more and more celebrities are discovering the cash cow that is the fashion industry, one has to ask the question: just because you wear clothes, should you be designing them? Celebs like Jessica Simpson are finding out that you don’t need to be a talented actress or singer to still make money; a line of cute coats and perfumes can be just as profitable.
But you don’t have to be a marginally talented musician in order to cash in on people’s need to have a taste of celebrity at home, as it now appears that terrorist leader and would-be fashion designer Osama bin Laden will be releasing a new fashion line in mid-September.
Last week, the al-Qaeda top dog released his first video statement since October 2004, in which he tells Americans that they should convert to Islam, as well as calling the Democrats pussies for not ending the war in Iraq and praises the anti-war writings of Noam Chomsky and Michael Scheuer. But the content of the message was ignored, in favor of the much more interesting color change in bin Laden’s beard. Speculation has been rampant over the reason for the cosmetic enhancement to the most-wanted’s whiskers, until today when a second video was released featuring an in-depth interview with bin Laden.
The interview, conducted by MTV’s Sway Calloway from a secret location, explained the dye job and much, much more.
“You see,” said the terrorist leader dressed in a [insert picture description here], “it all came to me when my boy, Adam Yahiye Gadahn, arrived with a bag-o-bling and cash for some… um… venture… in a gorgeous Kitson tote bag. I asked him where he acquired such a delightful minaudière and he introduced me to the Paris’ Kitson website, where I found the most stunning Kitson LA Bouffant Drawstring Pants in a pastel blue. They are simply the most comfortable things I have found to lounge about the cave in, not to mention that my ass looks fabu in them.
“Then I thought to myself, ‘Osama, what is Paris Hilton really famous for?’ Being famous? Being famous for being famous is just silly. I, on the other hand, am the leader of the most infamous group in the world; I am way more of a badass than Jay-Z, and he makes millions of that Rocawear [junk]. I bought a watch from them and it broke, like, three months later. You know how difficult it is to find a good jeweler in the Waziristan region of Pakistan? Freaking impossible.”
As a result, the al-Qaeda leader-in-hiding, decided to start his own clothing line called “Bin Here!” featuring a full set of T-shirts, sweatpants, tote bags, and sneakers. There are also plans in the works to turn an ex-chemical weapons lab into a fragrance manufacturing plant for Mr. bin Laden’s new perfume line, simply called “Osama”. Inspired by the war in Iraq, al-Qaeda recruitment is at an all time high and it appears that opium sales and Iranian donations are simply not enough to feed, train, and equip the massive influx to the ranks. A clothing and shoe line might just be the thing to foot the bill.
When Sway asked whose clothing lines he respected, Mr. Bin Laden replied:
“Well I really like a lot of them, especially Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore, Kanye West, Sean ‘P. Diddy’ Combs (love his music), Milla Jovovich, Paula Abdul, J. Lo (what can I say about that ass?), Pamela Anderson (God, I love her), Elizabeth Hurley, Anna Nicole Smith (a classy lady), Hilary Duff, Mary-Kate and Ashley (so cute, so cute), Kelly Osbourne, Eminem, Jay Z, Nelly, Snoop Dogg (my boy), 50 Cent, Justin Timberlake (what a voice), Gwen Stefani, Mariah Carey, Beyoncé (can you say HOT?), and Bono (love his shades; hate his music).”
Many local and state governments have already decided to take action to cut off further lines of funding to terrorists by banning baggy pants and skimpy short-shorts in an attempt to stop the new line of clothing, with Georgia and Louisiana leading the way. The White House has yet to comment on the news, as they are in the difficult situation of not wanting to set a precedent in banning any Middle Eastern imports.

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Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

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