Chinese Army Hacks Vice President

WASHINGTON – The vulnerabilities of the United States Government’s computer assets were thrown into the spotlight this week as concerns in and around the beltway began to grow with the surprising announcement that the Chinese People’s Liberation Army, or PLA, had hacked into a network affiliated with the office of Secretary of Defense Robert Gates last June. While the network reportedly only contained unclassified information, officials acknowledged that employees sometimes break protocol and accidentally send classified information over unclassified networks such as the one in question. This fact, in and of itself, is surprising because cyber security experts agree that organizations such as the PLA (and almost every other major government spy service) routinely monitor insecure communications from the US government. In any case, the network targeted in the attack had to be shut down for over a week so that the threat could be diagnosed and countered.
Shortly after the announcement regarding Secretary Gates’ network, Lush For Life investigative reporters learned that an even more high-profile target had been breached long beforehand. While the National Security Agency, the organization seemingly in charge of this country’s information warfare, tried desperately to keep it under wraps, concerned officials decided they could no longer keep such an explosive issue secret: a specially convened government taskforce has now confirmed that the cybernetic brain of Vice President Dick Cheney has been hacked into and reprogrammed by the PLA.
While severe degradation to the circuitry since the attack has made the initial attack on the brain increasingly difficult to recognize, most experts now concur that the hack probably first breached security on February 11, 2006. Evidence has emerged showing the attack severely affected the balance functions of the brain at the moment Cheney fired his hunting rifle, causing the shot to veer considerably off-target, resulting in an injury to friend Harry Whittington. The press corps, at the time, assumed Cheney’s aloofness after the incident was a result of his lack of respect for President Bush. However, the hacking is the real reason that the Vice President would, seemingly randomly, spout off revolutionary passages from Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book.
Even though security experts were able to neutralize that invasion somewhat rapidly, the complexity of Cheney’s neural networks left open the possibility for further hacking. Many officials with access to certain information now believe that the Vice President has been compromised again, and that this invasion is much more potent, explaining why no one has seen or heard from Cheney in quite some time.
While officials refused to give specifics, here are some of the things to watch out for in Cheney’s behavior that could signal a fresh invasion:
• Sudden acts of kindness and, in general, compassion for another human being.
• Inability to maintain a grimace on his face.
• A genuine understanding of reality.
• Control over his temper and language on the floor of the Senate.

Based upon these facts, Lush For Life is certain that, during most of the Vice President’s term in office, he was unaffected by PLA hackers. However, that could easily change, so constant vigilance in both the government and public at large must be maintained.



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