As more and more celebrities are discovering the cash cow that is the fashion industry, one has to ask the question: just because you wear clothes, should you be designing them? Celebs like Jessica Simpson are finding out that you don’t need to be a talented actress or singer to still make money; a line of cute coats and perfumes can be just as profitable.
But you don’t have to be a marginally talented musician in order to cash in on people’s need to have a taste of celebrity at home, as it now appears that terrorist leader and would-be fashion designer Osama bin Laden will be releasing a new fashion line in mid-September.
Last week, the al-Qaeda top dog released his first video statement since October 2004, in which he tells Americans that they should convert to Islam, as well as calling the Democrats pussies for not ending the war in Iraq and praises the anti-war writings of Noam Chomsky and Michael Scheuer. But the content of the message was ignored, in favor of the much more interesting color change in bin Laden’s beard. Speculation has been rampant over the reason for the cosmetic enhancement to the most-wanted’s whiskers, until today when a second video was released featuring an in-depth interview with bin Laden. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON – The vulnerabilities of the United States Government’s computer assets were thrown into the spotlight this week as concerns in and around the beltway began to grow with the surprising announcement that the Chinese People’s Liberation Army, or PLA, had hacked into a network affiliated with the office of Secretary of Defense Robert Gates last June. While the network reportedly only contained unclassified information, officials acknowledged that employees sometimes break protocol and accidentally send classified information over unclassified networks such as the one in question. This fact, in and of itself, is surprising because cyber security experts agree that organizations such as the PLA (and almost every other major government spy service) routinely monitor insecure communications from the US government. In any case, the network targeted in the attack had to be shut down for over a week so that the threat could be diagnosed and countered.
Shortly after the announcement regarding Secretary Gates’ network, Lush For Life investigative reporters learned that an even more high-profile target had been breached long beforehand. While the National Security Agency, the organization seemingly in charge of this country’s information warfare, tried desperately to keep it under wraps, concerned officials decided they could no longer keep such an explosive issue secret: a specially convened government taskforce has now confirmed that the cybernetic brain of Vice President Dick Cheney has been hacked into and reprogrammed by the PLA.
While severe degradation to the circuitry since the attack has made the initial attack on the brain increasingly difficult to recognize, most experts now concur that the hack probably first breached security on February 11, 2006. Evidence has emerged showing the attack severely affected the balance functions of the brain at the moment Cheney fired his hunting rifle, causing the shot to veer considerably off-target, resulting in an injury to friend Harry Whittington. The press corps, at the time, assumed Cheney’s aloofness after the incident was a result of his lack of respect for President Bush. However, the hacking is the real reason that the Vice President would, seemingly randomly, spout off revolutionary passages from Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book.
Even though security experts were able to neutralize that invasion somewhat rapidly, the complexity of Cheney’s neural networks left open the possibility for further hacking. Many officials with access to certain information now believe that the Vice President has been compromised again, and that this invasion is much more potent, explaining why no one has seen or heard from Cheney in quite some time.
While officials refused to give specifics, here are some of the things to watch out for in Cheney’s behavior that could signal a fresh invasion:
• Sudden acts of kindness and, in general, compassion for another human being.
• Inability to maintain a grimace on his face.
• A genuine understanding of reality.
• Control over his temper and language on the floor of the Senate.

Based upon these facts, Lush For Life is certain that, during most of the Vice President’s term in office, he was unaffected by PLA hackers. However, that could easily change, so constant vigilance in both the government and public at large must be maintained.

General Jack Keane, architect of the US “surge” in Iraq, called British Prime Minister Gordon Brown a “yellow-bellied loser,” in referrence to the British Army turning tail and retreating from the strategically vital stronghold of Basra in the South of Iraq. British military sources have told Lush For Life that the withdrawal was part of the ongoing process of handing responsibilities over to Iraqi security forces.
I asked Keane, in a telephone interview, what his thoughts were on the devolution of power to local forces:
“You British guys are a bunch of pussies – either you got our back in this imperialist occupation or you don’t. Who said anything about training the locals to do anything? If we did that, we wouldn’t be in control, would we?” Continue Reading

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You will wake up this morning and find a red, swelled lesion seeping puss on the either the tip of your penis, or the edge of your labia. You might as well just cut it off… you weren’t going to use it anyway.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): After getting an urge to discover new, interesting music, your roommate will suggest Alan Parsons Project. You should, without thinking, shove a scorching hot fire poker through their skull.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): The city of Tampa will grant funds to rebuild your run-down and ghetto ridden neighborhood. After a construction crew fixes all the potholes in the road, you will witness your crack-dealing neighbor smashing new holes in the middle of the street with a pickaxe.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Feeling bored one afternoon, you decide to take a shit into a freezer-sized Ziploc bag and mail it to your mother. You are surprised when you find out how expensive postage is for your bowel movement.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): You will become a guitar legend this month. You will purchase the newest version of Guitar Hero, and whoop all of your nephew’s friend’s asses. You will dominate and become addicted to the game, and after 6 months of playing, you realize if you committed that time to playing a real guitar you might actually be decent.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): While watching a Brian Billick press conference, you will be unable to find your thesaurus and will have no idea what he is talking about. This will be enough to get you to go back to college.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You will have a dream about fucking your mother with a splintered broom handle. That is disgusting.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): You decide you want to broaden your horizons and watch a soccer game this month. It was a nil-nil draw, and completely terrible. So much for that…
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): After having a spiritual experience, you will feel like you are psychic. You will start writing your own horoscopes and will completely disagree with L4L predictions. Except for this one.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You will become addicted to Danielle Steele novels. Enjoy!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): While getting your paper one morning, you will notice your neighbors walking their dogs have matching haircuts and complementing clothing. You will at first think you are in the twilight zone, but realize it’s just Tampa Palms.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): You make a mistake and pick up today’s copy of the USF Oracle. After actually reading it from front to back, you’ll never make that mistake again, and will only read L4L from that point on.