Vick Brings Animal-Fighting To Popular Culture

RICHMOND, VA – As alleged dog-fighting conspirator and Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick sat in court for his arraignment alongside his high-priced legal defense team last Thursday, thoughts of his once underground and seedy Virginia dog-fighting ring were not far from his mind. While the accused murderer of canines awaited decision on his court date, the defendant’s publicists were entrenched in attempting to restore the maligned quarterback’s image in the eyes of the public, releasing this statement exclusively to Lush For Life’s senior on-site correspondent Arthur Rocks:
“Mr. Vick is deeply disturbed by the recent discovery of his alleged illegal activity involving dogs and dog-fighting,” Vick’s publicist Rosie Rojas said to Rocks. “We are working around the clock to establish various avenues of solution no matter what the eventual outcome of Mr. Vick’s federal criminal court proceedings,” Rojas said.
The project of restoring Vick’s image may prove to be more difficult than Rojas and Vick’s team of public propaganda spinners originally believed. Over the past two weeks, Vick has seen all of his products removed from retail shelves, and his sponsors run for cover. He has been suspended from attending Atlanta Falcons training camp, his endorsements with Nike and Reebok have been suspended, his new athletic shoes remain unreleased, his jerseys have been removed, all clothing lines bearing his name or likeness have been removed, and his football trading cards have been omitted from all future card packages.
With federal indictments and criminal court cases involving animal abuse both receiving over 90 percent conviction rates, Vick’s eventual guilty charge seems imminent in the eyes of his defense team, according to Vick’s primary defense attorney Billy Martin.
“It’s not looking good,” Martin said to Lush For Life correspondent Rob Johnson after learning of a superceding indictment, including more charges and witnesses against Vick. “Rest assured, however, that even though Michael’s career with the Falcons and his time in the NFL may have passed him, he plans on launching a new lucrative career, following whatever sentence he receives, which will maximize his new-found talent in organizing animal fights,” Martin said.
With his football playing career all but over, Vick plans on launching a new animal fighting business, involving not only dogs, but many types of popular and exotic animals. He is currently in the process of liquidating all of his life savings and funds earned through dog-fighting to build several 200,000 square-foot makeshift zoos, with numerous fenced-in fighting rings and several types of animals from all levels of the animal kingdom.
All animal fighting zoos are planned to be built outside of the United States and in zones where animal cruelty is viewed as a harmless vice by local governments and authorities. Construction has begun on the massive animal fighting facilities in Mexico City, Rio de Janeiro, and Manila City, with plans to break ground in early 2008 in Dar es Salem and Melbourne. The arenas will feature fights between both polar and black bears, lions, gorillas, lemurs, panthers, leopards, cheetahs, and orangutans, according to Rojas. Some fights will involve one animal paired against another, and some will contain a whole ring full of drugged, vicious animals attempting to tear each other to bloody shreds.
The animal fights will reportedly be fought to the death, and animals will be injected with various muscle-building anabolic steroids, methamphetamines, and lysergic acid diethylamide, designed to increase the competitiveness between animals, as well as the greater possibility for gruesome, gory results in the battles.
Vick’s agent Joel Segal is reportedly in contract talks with Jeff Borris, the agent for San Francisco Giants outfielder Barry Bonds, regarding structuring a contract in the ballpark of $100-million for Bonds to compete in fights with the larger animals after his baseball career is completed and he is free to consume as many new designer steroids as he pleases. According to Borris, Bonds is excited about Vick’s new business and his future, and plans on consuming enough steroids to grow to over five-hundred pounds of solid muscle, making him capable of defeating an entire pride of lions, and giving him the ability to snap a fully-grown gorilla’s neck with his thigh muscles.



Tags: , , , , , ,

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

“Men’s Health” Ranked Worst Magazine In The US

Tampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. […]

RIM To Release Crackberry Standard And Pro


This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. […]

“Tase Me, Bro!” Says Sadomasochistic USF Student

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University […]

Danny’s Sports Box

No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only […]

Patriots Receive White House Support

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets […]