1,000,000 people died today. It was bad. The police are really mad. People’s families have been crying a lot. Some of the people who were killed were children, but most of them were adults. They cannot come back to life. Their bodies will be buried in the ground; some of them will be cremated. Continue Reading

RICHMOND, VA – As alleged dog-fighting conspirator and Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick sat in court for his arraignment alongside his high-priced legal defense team last Thursday, thoughts of his once underground and seedy Virginia dog-fighting ring were not far from his mind. While the accused murderer of canines awaited decision on his court date, the defendant’s publicists were entrenched in attempting to restore the maligned quarterback’s image in the eyes of the public, releasing this statement exclusively to Lush For Life’s senior on-site correspondent Arthur Rocks: Continue Reading

To those of our citizens, and others in the international community who have been assaulted by the hysterical reactions of the leftists to the impending invasion of Canada, I feel an obligation to put things in perspective: a look at the Big Picture.
A little recent American history may help explain why the New World Order is so necessary. Foremost, it is about our nation keeping up with change. It is about the courage of an elected leader who, when he noticed someone had moved his cheese, replied,
“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, ‘Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.’” —George W. Bush, Nashville, Sept. 17, 2002 Continue Reading

WASHINGTON – The FBI has accumulated new facts in their investigation of former National Basketball Association referee Tim Donaghy, who was alleged to have participated in sports gambling and point-shaving in the games he worked as an official from 2005-07. FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper, who heads the Donaghy investigation, said to Lush For Life correspondent and Las Vegas high-roller Arthur Rocks that the disgraced referee has accumulated several significant gambling debts to a number of prominent high-stakes gamblers and former athletes, including Michael Jordan and God Election ‘07 candidate Charles Barkley. Continue Reading

Over the past few weeks, as Republicans have started to abandon the Iraq war in droves, the Bush administration has been going to great lengths to explain to the public how winning the War in Iraq is integral to winning the War on Terror. Despite CIA and National Intelligence Estimate reports to the contrary, administration officials up to and including the President have been giving speeches touting the close links between al-Qaeda in Iraq and the main branch of al-Qaeda responsible for 9/11. In an eloquent metaphor, President Bush himself equated Congressional members who say al-Qaeda in Iraq is not a threat to America to someone “watching a man walk into a bank with a mask and gun and saying he’s probably just there to cash a check.” Continue Reading

CLEVELAND – Everyone knows that comedian/actor Drew Carey, 49, has announced that he will be replacing legendary host Bob Barker this fall on The Price is Right. But in a press conference yesterday, the affable crew-cut-sporting Carey revealed why he chose to be on the program. “America relates to me. Anyone who has listened to my stand-up or watched me on The Drew Carey Show knows that I am just an ordinary, middle-class guy who likes to drink. And what game show do I love to watch most when I am hung over in the middle of the day? You guessed it: The Price Is Right,” the millionaire black-rimmed-spectacle-wearing Average Joe said. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON – “They hate our freedoms – our freedom of religion, our freedom of speech, our freedom to vote and assemble and disagree with each other.” Those were the famous words of our great leader, George W. Bush in his 2001 joint session of Congress. With the threat of terrorism around the world steadily rising, the White House has now decided that it is finally time to act on this philosophy to put an end to attacks on American interests. The new policy was disclosed yesterday when Senior White House Press Secretary, Tony Snow, described the well thought out plan:
“Since September 11th, we, the American people, have been living in fear of crazed Islamo-Fascists, homosexuals, illegal immigrants, liberals, scientists and other barbaric, Godless haters of Freedom, but now the time has come to fight back. With the ongoing war on terror in Iraq and Afghanistan going so well, we now think that it is time to start attacking the underlying causes of terrorism – namely, our freedoms.” Continue Reading